False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

I'll try that 😂😂

This is me

Can anyone recommend any books for me to read about it?
Apparently one of the steps to getting over this is keeping knowledgeable on it so they can't suck you back later on!

Have a takeaway with my good friends tonight! Can't wait and hopefully I will forget about him for a while

Type 'getting over a narcissist' or just 'narcissists' into the Amazon search bar and see if there is anything there that would suit.
I'd also recommend some mindfulness.
Have a look at the 'Freedom Programme' as well. That will help you with future relationships and understanding this one. Do it on-line.
I was with a narc on and off for 6 years. And I still think about him over 2 1/2 years later.
But I KNOW he's a cunt. And I KNOW I'm far better off without him.
Doesn't stop me missing him though.
You can do this.

Finally you recognise your part in this (I miss him trying to contact me). In life nothing is for nothing; there is no instant cure. Everything is a learning curve and that never stops throughout life. Taking the easy path and giving in will get you nowhere. You can give in and go back to where you started or stay strong, no matter how hard it gets and be free. It's easy to say 'I can't help it' but you can. Distraction, distraction, distraction. How do you think anyone gets through anything? Devastating bereavements, disasters, horrendous accidents, Army wives losing their husbands in wars. Stop thinking about what you don't have and start counting your blessings. There are many, all around you, every day. Start to see the beauty in the world. Stop seeing small and start seeing big. Sorry for rant but honestly your world has shrunk to 'him' and it needs to grow again to encompass all the colours and gifts of life. I am saying this to give you a cyber kick up the arse in the desire to help you see out again.

OP, you have come so far. If you contact him again then you will be WEAK in his eyes and back UNDER HIS CONTROL. You will be giving him permission to treat you like shit forevermore. Don't give him that power.

Have you ever given up smoking or something similar? Imagine giving up, cold turkey and being so proud of yourself, feeling fit and healthy and in control of the addiction. And then you relapse and have a smoke because you miss it. How shit would you feel?

But he is not a cigarette. He will use your relapse against you and trap you and hurt you MORE than he has in the past. It won't be just as easy to give up again. It may be impossible for years.

You are addicted to him/the attention/the person you wish he was. Find a group (online or RL) where you can get support to kick this habit for good.

Actually this thread is doing pretty good for you already. Keep posting. You are strong and you can do this.

Here are a few interesting bits and pieces that helped me realise these toxic people are unbelievably textbook - it's like reading about my own previous relationship and may be the same for you

I found it particularly eye opening that experts say the narcissists' method of breaking someone down is the same that cults use to acquire and keep members.

psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-startling-phases-of-loving-a-narcissist/

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/01/love-bombing-is-crack-cocaine-the-addictive-cycle-of-narcissistic-abuse/

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/stonewalling-and-the-silent-treatment-when-the-narcissists-silence-is-deafening/

The three core stages of a relationship like this are:

Idealisation
Devalue
Disregard
And then back to idealisation and through the stages again

In my experience:

Him bombarding you with messages about trying to fix it again is idealisation...
then if you get back with him he will start with devalue so making you feel worthless and not deserving of him and making a fuss about abuse so you question if it's really that bad or are you overreacting...
then once you feel shit about yourself again he'll disregard you so you think you're in the wrong and do whatever he wants you to do, then he'll leave you...
and if you say you're done he'll start with idealisation again.

They are such BORING and predictable people, I wish they knew that they are using a tried and tested method and really aren't special.

Thankyou!

All you guys really don't know how much you are helping me!

I'm never going back! I don't even like him anymore when I see him or anything!
Like I never want him back but I miss him? Does that make sense?
Like I miss what I thought we were going to have!

exactly OP. You miss the relationship you wished it had been, not the one you actually had.

And you know you cannot have the fulfilling and affirming relationship you want and deserve with this man.

Some thoughts I've found helpful and how I think you can use them:

You fell in love with his potential not his credentials.

-- Now you know were never in love with him because he wasn't being himself when you fell for him.

I can not believe I am about to quote Dr Phil but - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

-- Now you know his past behaviour so you know what his future behaviour will be.

And this gem from Einstein - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

-- Now you know you are not insane like he probably made you think, so don't act it - make the changes to get a different outcome

How old are you OP? What are your life plans? Do you want to have more DC? What does your ideal relationship look like?

You dont need to answer those here, but think about them and visualise a bright future for yourself. Turn some of those ideal outcomes to goals and work out how you will achieve them. Make a plan.

And he is not in it.

YOu will be hoovered in the future OP. And you will still crave this man. It's like an addiction (it is an addiction). But, like heroin, it isn't healthy for you.

Read up on narcissists, hoovering, trauma bonds. Be informed.

He thinks you belong to him. He thinks he can come back at any time. The highs of the relationship and manipulation tools he has used to keep you so far mean you are addicted to him. He will be back. Over and over and over if you let him. He'll also discard you over and over and over. He'll continue to abuse you. He'll continue to love bomb you.

THink about whether you want this in your life for ever. The highs just aren't worth it, are they?

And even if they are, think about your son. I remember you saying how anxious he was. Your child will be aware of how you are feeling with this man. They will sense your anxiety, your distraction from them, your depression, exhaustion, even your highs. They will witness their parent in this relationship, and they will be anxious, or concerned or they will think that this is what a relationship looks like. Is that what you want your son to think? Do you want him to see you like this? Distracted and upset? (and that's at best - think about when your ex has treated you really badly and how you were then)

I think that no contact is your best protection.

It will just go on for ever if you let it. Only you have the power to end it.

(and yes, it's normal to feel like this when contact is withdrawn - it's one of their tools. My ex used to withdraw contact as a weapon. To teach me. And it made me more grateful when he started to inch back into my life. This time I told him to fuck off. I won't be one of his harem of fall back women (he contacted his other ex at the same time as me I later found out. Ha ha ha).

Yea that about my son has really hit me!

I don't want him seeing me like this ever again! I do hide it from him but like you say he can tell!
I want to look forward to the time I have with them...(I never used to as would mean my ex wouldn't come over or do his own thing and then I would be anxious)

I'm feeling better again now than I did this morning!

I read something this morning too that I need to take each day 1 at a time at the moment and Aslong as I can get through the day not contacting him I have done bloody well!

I hope he doesn't come back! I hope he buggers off now!

I'm so fed up of feeling like this but least this will be the last time I'm this low as I'm never letting him back in again so I won't have to go through this process again!

Stay strong and this is as low as you go. Everything from here is on the up. Every time he comes into your head, push him straight out by any means. Sing a nursery rhyme, say inside fuck off knobhead/rapist, imagine him as the sad little powerless wanker he really is and smile about that for a moment. Don't talk about him this evening with your mates (just vent on here), talk about other things, he doesn't deserve to be central topic of conversation. I really believe you've got this. I can almost feel you getting stronger by the day...

OP you need to fill your life with other things. For the time you were with him he was the centre of your world. You might deny it but he was. Now you’re trying to give him up, so there’s a big hole at the centre of your world. You need to find things to fill it with.

What about the netball you were were talking about? You’re doing the right thing rebuilding your friendships, but you need something new to fill that huge gap. Is there a project you’ve always wanted to do?

If you don’t fill that massive hole he’s left then you’l always feel like a part of you is missing. Like I have previously said, I’m a great believer in having a big shift in your life whenever you lose something, otherwise there’s always that hole, and the most obvious way to fill that hole will be tryyng to regain the thing you’ lost.

Yes I'm trying to find something else but I really can't think of anything apart from netball at the moment?

Any other ideas? It's hard when I can't regularly do things because of the boys!

"I want to look forward to the time I have with them...(I never used to as would mean my ex wouldn't come over or do his own thing and then I would be anxious)"

This is so sad OP. That it affected how you felt about your own children. That he managed to put himself first in your world. That should be more than enough motivation. Say to yourself "I never used to look forward to spending time with my own children because of the ex"

How does that sound?

He has managed to fuck up the most special relationship in the world. That should make you angry? He has mind fucked you so bad that his cheating rapist ass became more important.

Where is your anger?

You allowed this moron to take up more head space than your own children.

He has done an utter shitty number on you.

There must be a million new things you can learn out there. Get to the library and borrow some books and immerse yourself in new knowledge. I would definitely get yourself some help though. All those links I sent you, I believe there is some online coaching available. A friend of mine is just starting a course and said she will forward some modules. I will point you in that direction if I can.

Run, walk, swim, gym while he is at work and you KNOW he is, not when he is ever free/off work. Go to social events and check out your local community centre. Volunteer there, they are almost always looking for help. Help out at an old people's home. If I had an abundance of free time, those are the some of the things I would do.

Go deep within and find your willpower.

You did have a life before you allowed this twat into it and put him on a pedestal so high he came above all else. That is what I have been doing.. where is bouncy Gemma who used to be so active and laughter-filled.

I allowed ex monster to come before work sometimes. Unreal, right? I got pretty angry about that. I allowed him to come before my Dad's important milestone birthday. No doubt had I had children, like you, I probably would have put him before them.

I get it.. I am sometimes still angry and regretful about it. That anger is more than enough to make me feel ashamed but ALSO to ensure I will never go back to him. Determined that this time is different.

Remember who you were before him.

Yea I never really thought about it until now that I did put him before my kids!
How awful is that!
That is deffo enough power for me to stay away from him!

He literally has been the centre of my world for too long and I actually can't believe it!

The only thing that was good was sex and that's only because o never got it in my marriage!

God I actually can't believe it! I think this might be a light bulb moment!

Just glad it didn't last longer and I miss out on more years!

I allowed my ex to come before my work, before my children, come before my friends (although he manipulated all of that).

I really think if there's nothing else you get angry about or feel strongly about (and yes if you can move past the rape etc) in relation to how he treated you, you need to put your children first.

My ex has been violent, severely sexually abusive, has a drink problem, can't hold down a job, is severely controlling (e.g. isolating from friends, dictating clothes,) is a serial cheat, a compulsive liar, has alienated his family, has no friends, routinely gaslights, ghosts, and has several stds as well as ed issues. (Gosh he's an attractive man) but even if I could get past all of that (and I did, several times), I can't possibly subject that, and that relationship and all it entails, on my children. Not only would I be insane, but I'd be an utterly crap mother.

I adored him OP. I was so reckless about him. I was so addicted. I can still remember (despite all of that) what i saw in him. But I have worked so hard on rebuilding my life because i know that not only do my children deserve better, but I do too.

I'm so glad you feel another breakthrough OP.

I describe my past relationship as intoxicatingly toxic.

Intoxicating - Everything was dramatic and intense and tortured soul... part of me romanticised that and though it must be a special love for us because we would somehow stay together no matter how bad things got.

Toxic - But that was my addiction to him talking when in fact we were utterly toxic, codependent, our worst selves and in his case abusive.

The toxic part has such a wider reaching effect than the intoxicating part, which ends up being like drugs. You can take a bigger hit every time, because every new awful situation also has the baggage of previous ones so it snowballs.

I am so glad you're feeling stronger, well done

It's mad isn't it!

I think my problem is we spent 6 months apart at the start of our relationship talking everyday about our future and when he got back how amazing it would be that I obviously just got so used to the idea that I ignored the reality!

I'm probably not in the clear yet and I'm sure I will still be up and down! But right now I'm feeling good! Long may is continue!

I'm going to look into starting a new hobby for me!
As I havent done anything for me in a while....all my spare time would be spent following my ex around or doing what my ex wanted just so I could be with him so I didn't feel anxious!

I keep worrying that I'm never going to find anyone again! But tbh I would rather be on my own than have someone like him again!

I couldn't even just sit and watch tv when he was around as he would feel we always needed to touching and kissing as we could watch tv anytime! But all I wanted to do was watch a movie with him without feeling I had to have sex otherwise he would be grumpy!

Just had another letter....but this one was different...a very long one just saying how much he loves me and how he wishes in the future we can still be forever like we once said we would be!

Didn't pull at any heart strings! This is progress

When the letters arrive. Don't read them. Burn them.