False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Did he knock at 5 am OP? Text you then?

Please be very careful. Please stay away from the gym. Don't become another statistic.

I won't bore you with the story of one of my very early encounters with someone like this, but when I ended it, he did very similar to your ex. Suicide threats (he never did of course). But then he had secretly had a key cut to my flat. He was watching, waited until I went out one night, let himself in, and destroyed all my clothes, old photos, stole jewellery and destroyed my passport. He told me he would have set the place on fire had there not been someone living in the flat downstairs.

He always smashed all the windows of my new partner's car.

I was 23 and did not go to the police. Now I would have the little shithead strung up.

Please be careful.

I mean also smashed the windows....

Was Tuesday a regular gym day for you that he knew about? Is that why he cancelled rugby to be there?
See how sly he is - he wouldn't approach you at the gym, because there were people (and maybe Security) around but he'll pester you via messaging and putting letters through your door. Was this letter put through at 5am?

You need to tell the police what he's doing now.

He keeps saying just talk to me and he will leave me alone
What? That makes no sense at all.
Yes, it's a trap.
I would talk to him.
Two words - FUUUUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFFF!!!!

Be aware that you are seeing things through your 'used to the drama/don't want but crave contact' filter. Think of this scenario happening to someone (female) that you love; recognise the reality which is threateningly abnormal and notify Police immediately. Do your part by recognising a part of you enjoys the effort he has gone to to contact you and how unhappy he seems to be. The goal is that in time his feelings etc, become irrelevant to you rather than 'there you go, serves you right' I wish you freedom. You will get there

Yea I am going to the police station tonight. Really nervous tho!

@Gemma1971 he does work yes.. this has happened before...he can't sleep when I block him so puts letters through my door and then drives back home.
I know I should avoid the gym but it really annoys me that I have to change my life! I will tho for my safety and especially if the police advice it too!
He didn't knock at 5am no as he knows my kids are there but one of the texts was at 5am saying I have just posted a letter through your door as I thought you blocked me again!
Oh god...that sounds awful! I do worry he might have a key still as he used my spare one while we were together and asked him to put it back and it wasn't there he said he didn't know where it was! So I presumed it has fallen down a hole that's near where I put it!

@MarianaMoatedGrange yes I am starting to see that now! He would be mortified if anyone knew what he was really like!

@hellsbellsmelons I was going to send that before I blocked him but I didn't want to break the no contact!

@WhenPushComesToShove yes this is what I was worried about! As yesterday I was really upset yet today I'm a lot better and I think that's because I know he's struggling! I'm not sure how I stop this tho?

He's struggling because you've cut the string he had you dangling on thats all. All the messages, letters etc; have worked on you in the past, he's baffled now these tactics no longer work.

Tell the police everything. Change your locks. Change your phone number, email address, everything. Your MH and safety are paramount.

Hey OP, just read this entire thread!!
You’re doing great, my ex manipulated me too. Ended the relationship in February, he’d keep messaging saying he missed me. Last contact was a few weeks ago to tell me he’d attempted suicide. Was tempted to tell him to double the dose next time
It gets easier and you’ll genuinely look back and reflect and think ‘WTAF?’ One day at a time hun xx

Yes, please do go to the police as planned. Make sure you tell them about the guns. That will be a hell of a thing for them to find out if he turns up at your door and you haven’t told them. It’s for everybodys’ safety, not just you and the DC. Bullets can kill anybody don’t forget, not just you.

I strongly recommend you get your locks changed if you have any reason to suspect he has a key to your house. Do not leave this to chance, you’re giving him direct access to you and your DC if you don’t. As I keep saying, don’t leave anything to chance because you think he wouldn’t, because you don’t know what he’ll do, and just because you don’t think he’d do something, doesn’t mean he won’t.

Tell the police there’s a small chance he might have a key. They might be able to assist but they’ll definitely advise you, and they’ll advise you that you need the locks changing.

This is not a game. He’s manufacturing ways to accidentally bump into you, then bombarding you with messages and letters when he doesn’t get his way. He doesn’t need to talk to you, he knows very well what your position is. He is refusing to hear your no, still, and somebody who refuses to hear your no cannot be trusted to respect any of your boundaries, physical or otherwise.

Well done OP for making the decision to go to the police. I've been a victim of stalking before and while I know every force is different, they were actually very supportive.

I would advise, after your initial chat with the police today, potentially getting in touch with the Suzy Lamplugh foundation who are absolute experts in harassment and stalking.

I used to (as they advised me) give them a ring after each time I had contact with the police and they helped me see if I had missed any info or they had missed any questions that needed asking.

Mine was a stranger who made very violent and sexual threats so I immediately put him in the "stalker" category and felt able to chase the police for updates / give them new information.

Some of my friends have been harassed by ex partners and have found it difficult to label the behaviour as stalking, but it absolutely so never feel like you're "making a fuss" - they want to help you not just to keep you safe but also to ensure that the behaviour doesn't escalate in future too, whether to you or other people. You're helping them to prevent future crimes.

Good luck OP let us know how you feel afterwards if you like, I always find supportive threads like this to be a lifeline.

Proud of you for doing 9 days, hopefully he'll make you feel even more enthused to maintain no contact as he's being so disrespectful of your decision.

He's also panicking to get you back when he couldn't give a shit when you were so upset back when you were together - so he's always had it in him to understand he needed to change, he just chose not to.

And he's harassing you because he is used to having control over your relationship and now he has none. That isn't love, not even a tiny bit, it's still controlling and still him saying his wants and needs trump yours. In my head I'm saying to him well guess what fuckface, they don't anymore!

You can do this

Sorry a paragraph of that made no sense! I wanted to say:

Some of my friends have been harassed by ex partners and have found it difficult to label the behaviour as stalking, but it absolutely is so never feel like you're "making a fuss" - the police want to help you not just to keep you safe but also to ensure that the behaviour doesn't escalate in future too, whether to you or other people. You're helping them to prevent future crimes.

What a creep! You’re doing so well OP. 10 days now? You’ve got this! Keep picturing all the horrible things about him.

Op, I echo the advice to talk to the Suzy Lamplugh trust - so helpful. They have seen this before and can help you frame your discussion with the police.

They (Suzy Lamplugh) very much connect stalking with domestic abuse, which the police don't often. It's very helpful and interesting.

this isn't normal behaviour from your ex at all OP, and it's easy to lose sight of that when you are in it.

just read @AFairlyHardAvocado post below (you are very wise!) - agree, this level of harassment is all about control. It simply isn't normal. It took me a while to realise, but in a normal relationship, the ex walks away.

it's not normal to be at your house at 5am, to keep calling you, to follow you to the gym. To write so many letters. When I broke up with my other ex, he just left me alone. He was devastated, but he left me alone.

My abusive ex had so many different email accounts, social media accounts - he sets up different ones each time, on a variety of apps - insta, twitter, fb, strava, linkedin, wordswithfriends (!), , different phone numbers. He "bumped" into me outside my house, my school, local coffee shops, my work. He'd phone from different numbers, and withheld numbers. And there'd be a sob story - telling me what I wanted to hear - tears, manipulation (always plugging at what you want, your weak spot - for me it was let's get old together, with his ow, it's about settling down and having a family - just manipulation , and exploiting vulnerabilities - whether it's previous abuse from another person, fear of something or even bereavement).

It's control at the end of the day. Suzy Lamplugh see that very clearly. It's all abuse. It isn't love.

Thankyou for all the messages!

I went to the police last night...it was abit pointless tbh...as he's not threatening in anyway in the messages!
But they were very kind and didn't make me feel stupid although I really do!
But they said they will keep it all on record and if anything happens meaning he turns up uninvited or anything then I must ring them and they will give him a gentle warning!

I'm feeling abit crap about it all this morning!

Haven't heard from him since yesterday morning! Just saying how he wants to talk just to put it to bed so we can both move on etc!
I think he's got into my head 🤦🏻‍♀️ as all I keep thinking is what harm can it do? So we can both move on!
So I can stop worrying and avoiding places etc!
I'm ill so I guess that's not helping my mood as all I want is a cuddle of him 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Please do give the Suzy Lamplugh trust a call if you have any time to.

They are so supportive and can also help you to get the support you need from your police force as they are so overstretched and understaffed (my dad is a Bobby and their job is unthinkably tough nowadays, i honestly don't know how they do it) that sometimes not all of them have experience of harassment and stalking cases.

In my case the SL trust helped me get in touch with the PC most experienced in that area of the law in my area. There is a lot of relatively new legislation in harassment and stalking so it's really helpful to push for someone who has been recently and thoroughly trained.

You poor thing what a shit thing to be dealing with

all I keep thinking is what harm can it do? So we can both move on! You HAVE moved on OP. You also know what harm it can do. You'll be back shagging him and feeling worse than you do now. Next time he'll know that it may take longer, but if he pesters you long enough you'll be back again and again.

and they will give him a gentle warning!
No wonder so many women are killed by their stalkers!
Fuck the gentle warning.
Give it to the fucking assholes with both barrels!
I despair, I really do!

It's not that he luuuurves you sooooo much - he wouldn't have been shagging others if that was the case. it's purely about control and him 'winning'.

This is the dangerous time, it was for me.

Now is a dangerous time. The weather is shit, I have been through some major losses personally and financially, I feel lonely, a friend has been abusive and unsupportive and I feel VERY alone.

But I keep telling myself, this time will be different. I sat down and figured out I met him again after 20 or so years in 2010..... 2014 and 2015 I saw him once.... then there was another almost 2 year gap between the latter half of 2016 and the end of 2018. And many, many break-ups inbetween, some by him and most by me walking away. That is not a normal relationship, long-distance or otherwise.

Come on OP, make this time different. He is a liar, a cheat, a rapist and his stalking is not love. He just wants to have sex with you and keep control over you. A hug from him is fake. Hug yourself and do the mirror exercises.

The person who hurt and harmed you cannot heal you. You are at a very risky time. Don't undo the good work like me. I went through so much and very similar feelings. It was love from me but never from him.

It is power and control. Your ex will already be having sex with others. Men like this are rarely faithful. Because they do not love. Women are objects of supply to them.

Once you love yourself and have more self-respect and really really feel that your value is that of a fucking diamond, you will never let ANYONE do this to you again.

Don't be stupid. Don't waste time like me or the others on here.

There are other penises on this planet. Other men smell good too. It's a trauma bond based on sex, intermittent reinforcement and the drama of the on, off and the brain and body get addicted to those chemicals.

Slap yourself around the chops.

Unless you are happy to have random shags with someone who is only in it for himself and is shagging others? If you can do an open casual thing and all that entails, keep doing it.. But it doesn't sound like it.

Plus how on earth could you forget the guns? The suicide threats...?

My ex threatened to disappear forever, he had had enough of life. He would never chase me ever again and goodbye.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN DRAAAAAAAAMARAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Within no less than 12 hours he was on several dating sites and looking for sex club hookups. And hoovering me 2 days later.

I can laugh now. Not funny though. He rammed through parts of my life and caused me financial and work issue that I am still recovering from.

My own fault. I only wanted a hug, his smell and his nice penis.

I was a fucking fool. Don't be a fool.

"Just saying how he wants to talk just to put it to bed so we can both move on etc!"

No, he wants to put YOU into bed - whether you say no or not. Don't forget he raped you. He forced himself onto you after you said no and you had thrush?

And what does he want to talk about? He wants to change your mind.

If I had a quid for every time my ex said this... and it worked dammit.. my knickers were off in no time.

This man is not your average player. He is dangerous. I take back what I said above. If you start sleeping with him again, giving him a second of your time, he will think he owns you again. What happens when you finally meet a nice man? Will he be running after him with his guns?

What the police have done is standard. Your report is on record, they have acted appropriately. However, had you filed a statement against him, they would have gone to his house to speak with him. The decision to take it further is left with the individual.

I can see why this seems as if it isn't enough... How do they know who is truly dangerous and who is not. You obviously came across as unafraid and they probably took that into account too. He no doubt has a clean police record.

That doesn't mean he won't do anything though. And every time a woman goes back to her abuser, the risk of being harmed gets worse.

"I'm ill so I guess that's not helping my mood as all I want is a cuddle of him "

What happened last time you were ill? He raped you... not much comfort is he?

So I haven't heard from him since Wednesday!
Why do I feel so sad about this?
This was the outcome I wanted?

I don't know how to stop thinking about him from as soon as I wake to when I go to sleep!

Any tips?

There is the elastic band thing, place one on your wrist and when ever you think of him, snap it, and say but X is not really like that he is a bad man.