False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Yea see my problem is....my body I was always hating...until I met him....he made me love my body and made me realise that I have a good figure! Literally never felt more confident in my body than I do now and that's because of how he was with me....! He would compliment me everytime we had sex and couldn't get enough of touching me!

I guess I didn't stay with him long enough to start picking faults in me!

But @Gemma1971 that is a very good motto to have!
Because as much as he wasn't horrible about my appearance he was horrible in worse ways!

I realised my ex was such a narcissist that he wouldn't possible want to be seen out and about with someone he thought was anything other than impressive in the looks department because it means status by association. Something to remember when you feel like he's damaged your self confidence!

my ex also never horrible about me - yes it was important for him to be with someone he felt looked good and was successful etc.

he was just horrible in the way he treated me.

Yes it's deffo the way he treated me that was horrible!
But yes I guess that's why he was with me as I was a very popular person!

It's all very quiet still and feels strange!

Help me snap out of this but I'm missing him today....got that horrible empty feeling in the limit of my stomach!

I need to snap out of it 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh love - you've come so far don't spoil it for yourself now!

This will feel horrible but close your eyes and imagine one of the times he absolutely broke your heart. Remember how that felt. How much you cried and felt shit. How long it took to feel normal again afterwards.

And tell yourself you will NEVER be in that position again.

All the difficulty of going a day, two days, a week with no contact - you'll have to try to redo all that hard work from scratch again.

Onwards and upwards lovely, let yourself feel sad and miss the good bits but remember they are SO outweighed by the shit bits.

Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes

But the man you want is not real.
He is only in your mind.

I get it. I can still get that, even after all this time. Missing the idea of him.

The reality is not the same. This is when you absolutely need to remind yourself of the reality of him, not the fantasy.

Cheating, lying, gaslighting rapist who breaks into your house.

You haven't got angry yet? Most people get angry after the denial.

Also the trauma bond is making you miss sex and closeness akin to heroin withdrawal, or so I have read. It isn't easy, but it's only as easy or as hard as you make it.

Remember, good, kind people don't intentionally hurt or use other people.

You can spend the next 10 or 20 years shagging him on and off, then he will ditch you for someone younger and better and then what?

In business, there is a saying about temporary pain for long-term gain. Likewise weight training. Do the work now and keep your eye on the ball, the prize. Waste your time now and lose the prize. What you do today, affects your entire future. Be wise, choose the long-term goal over the short-term pointless sex with an abuser.

@AFairlyHardAvocado Thankyou...I'm not going to spoil it I'm not tempted to message him...just missing having someone I guess and Thankyou that helped. Thinking of him with her last new year while I was driving to her house is I think my worst memory. Staying up all night because I knew he was with her with his phone turned off makes me feel sick everytime I think about it.

@mummmy2017 yes that is true....I guess it's not him I miss just having someone I can talk shit all day too I guess!

@Gemma1971 yes I know you are right....and I don't want him in my life but I guess your right as in it's the closeness I miss! But no I guess I haven't really got properly angry yet but this is the first time I have got sad and cried about it...so I guess anger will come next?

You need to get angry OP. I was like this - just sad. But fucking hell, he's treated you badly - you should be livid that someone who loved you (or who said they did) would treat you so badly.

Find your anger - it'll be your best ally in keeping you away from him.

Can you move your living room around, or do up your bedroom? I always find making changes and freshening things up at home is a good distraction, and it’s like a symbolic thing.

I’m a great believer in the idea that when you have a big change in your life, you should make a big change, start a new hobby or do something differently. Then your life is a different place to when he was in it, and it feels like a new start, something just for you that he has no part or input into.

And remember, every woman he meets, he will also treat like shit. It's just how they are.

My ex was married to a stunning blonde who could have been a catwalk model. The next wife was even more stunning, kind of a la Kim Kardashian. They both left him. The second one had a restraining order on him, apparently he physically abused her on at least one occasion.

They are what they are. Sometimes attached to a nice penis and the chemistry is there, but it doesn' t mean they are partner material.

They are never happy and leave a trail of failed relationships behind them. Right now, he will be telling lies about me, how crazy I am, no doubt some other stuff.

Who gives a shit.. They love you to be jealous though. But your own strength and mental health has to come from you, to be able to not allow this fucker to shit all over your life again. He doesn't care. The only person he cares about is himself and getting his needs met. I feel sorry for anyone my ex hooks as his next main supply.

@AnnaNimmity I go between angry and sad at the moment. Tbh I just want to feel normal and not think about him anymore!

@Whatisthisfuckery yes I keep thinking about this....like doing something different. So I might go and get my hair done and then I keep thinking about starting netball...so I'm going to look into this!

@Gemma1971 yes your totally right....I'm still at that stage that I don't want anyone else getting his good side. But I remember his ex saying to me "he's charming and seems so nice but he's not he's horrible" so I guess he will always be a nob I just have to keep reminding myself this!

Thankyou guys....making me feel a lot better!

Melanie Antonia Evans just posted a video on Instagram....that's so me right now

@heneverkeepshisword it's funny that yours ex girlfriend tried to warn you - mine did too on several occasions. She told me the most horrendous stuff about him - being violent, putting his hands around her neck, raping her, cheating on her repeatedly, ghosting her over and over, making her feel suicidal. I didn't believe her because, you know, the charm. (?!). and because he did such a number on me, telling me horrendous stuff about her, how insane she was, how damaged from her upbringing, how I couldn't believe her at all.

Mine too has a trail of women who probably wouldn't care if he lived or died - including his ex wife. He spins lies about each of them to the next one. but in fact he's the common denominator. And he doesn't manage to stay with anyone long term - he's always looking for the next person.

I know that my ex has been violent to more than one woman. I know he has cheated on multiple women - including his wife (and I certainly ignored my boundaries by being involved with anyone who would cheat on their wife) and including the woman he's with now - over and over. He has contacted me recently when he's with someone else. But the difference is now, is that I no longer think that he's a catch! I'm no longer pleased that he's contacted me - I think it shows massive arrogance and disrespect actually.

And I certainly no longer feel envious of the woman he's with. I know that far from being a charming man, she has in fact got a barely solvent, barely sober, violent monster. I actually think he will end up killing her . And for me, even if i wanted to put myself back into that world (and why would I? ), I wouldn't put my children anywhere near this man.

You will feel better - but it's a process and a journey. And if most people go back 7 times, then that's a sign of how hard it is, and how powerful these manipulative men are. Because you can bet that a lot of these women are intelligent, strong, independent women.

Yea she sort of shouted it at me tbh as we didn't get on as we overlapped....when I didn't have a clue but obviously she hated me! Still tho he can get her back just like that if he wanted too so she obviously falls for his charm everytime too!
Why I didn't see the warning signs from the start I'll never know!
But I was too trusting to start with....as my ex husband would of never ever hurt me so I never imagined anyone too if that's makes sense!
Now I doubt I'll trust anyone like I used too!

He's not old enough to have a trail but I'm sure he will get one!

Yea I am feeling a lot better than I was this morning! So obviously just a moment of weakness!
Just never really been on my own so I guess that's what I'm finding hard too!

MN is a fantastic support for break ups.
Night or day you find someone in your corner, and we don't care how much you need to bitch about the ex.

Just seen this picture!
And OMG!!
I knew my ex when we were little....I'm 5 years older than him!
When he was 5 and I was 10 I hated him....he was a brat and arrogant and everything had to revolve around him!
We then didn't see each other for 15 years....I remember saying this to him....I did not put 2 and 2 together!!

This has made me feel so much better!

well done OP for getting through another day. How many is it now? Did you get that calendar?

Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

I wish I'd read that when I met my ex, but circumstances meant that I wouldn't have heeded any red flags if I had recognised them anyway. Now I'm older and wiser. Your friend sounds great. If she doesn't take shit from anyone, then when you have a wobble, make your mantra "What Would [Friend] Do?]"

Thankyou I am on day 9 now. Woooo!

So things had gone quiet....but now not!

I went to the gym last night as he is always at rugby on a Tuesday but he was there!
So I set myself up next to a guy I new and just chatted to him so he wouldn't come over and didn't make eye contact or anything.
I know ur all day I'm stupid for going but seeing him makes me remember that he annoys the hell out of me...walking around all miserable it reminds me that his words are all fake and that miserable person is the person he actually is...so it actually helped me loads!
I had a headache when I got in tho so went to bed super early and have just woke up to a load of messages and a letter through my door!
Me being super happy in the gym laughing he didn't like basically. As I'm not struggling I must of hated him. Blah blah. And lots of other crap!
But I just blocked that number! Put the letter in the box! And I feel good!
I don't know whether it's because I have remembered how miserable he is and that all the words he says don't match him or because I know he's suffering well pretending to anyway! But I'm taking it as a win for now!
I just hope I don't feel good because he's contacted me? Like yesterday I was struggling....maybe that's because I hadn't heard from him?
Oh god? Do u reckon it's that? 🤦🏻‍♀️

He drove to my house at 5am because he though I had blocked the number!
5am?
Who does that?
He keeps saying just talk to me and he will leave me alone.
That's a trap right?
Surely me ignoring him for 9 days is enough to tell him I don't want to talk to him? I shouldn't have to tell him?

I woidl ask the police to have a word with him before stalking becomes more of a reality..

Just love how when you say the sulky sod, it reminded you of how bad he was.
Not his intended result at all.
But you do need to report this, as you need a legal record should you ever have problems.

5 am?

Ok, that is worrying. Please see the police this evening as planned OP. Take all correspondence from him.

Doesn't he work?

Under normal circumstances I would say to people don't break no contact by reading letters, emails etc... in your case though, he has guns. He has made threats about killing himself. 5 am drive pasts and letters?

He has lost control of you, his words show that, and is obviously now upping the ante. Really, as much as you enjoy the gym, stop for a while. Swim or something. I am worried he is going to hurt you. The police may also advise you to avoid places he frequents, that includes the gym.