Well it's only taken one year to leave him, it could have been a lot longer. Just don't be a total mug and let him convince you that you are the problem.
If in doubt, do not forget, he raped you, he cheated on you, he lied, he reminds you that your face is hairy (just fucking mean), he broke into your house, he was threatening to shoot himself to manipulate you. He is a liar. Repeat until it makes sense and you really get it.
The initial phase of leaving an abuser can feel like pulling teeth. Inner Integration likens it to coming off a hard drug. Why? Because the trauma bond generates the bonding and feel good chemicals of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin etc. Your brain is looking for the hit, which is obtained via the chemical connection, his smell, his nice penis. But it is a trick. Nature basically wants us to shag anyone we find attractive to make babies, if we whittle it down to the fundamentals. That is all the attraction is about. Sex and making new humans. This particular person is just physically and chemically attractive, like a drug in your brain, so you have to go cold turkey and keep away until you no longer want it.
The danger of a trauma bond (watch the last couple of videos I posted) is that it gets STRONGER when couples break up, go back, and that cycle repeats. The brain grows synapses that relate to the bond an it releases the related peptides. I have explained it poorly, but Melanie Tonia Evans does a much better job. You have to grow new ones, like starting and forming a new habit.
Imagine how hard it was for me. I had the lure of three different countries to visit every time I saw the ex. And I was alone at home and maybe lonely. And he somehow caught me off-guard at vulnerable moments. My mind can still remember the fake good times. Especially the sex. But I am in control of ME, NOT him. I don't hope for no contact from him, I ignore, block.
The only way to heal is stop looking, ignore, block. You are in the initial cold turkey phase, so well done.
If I had truly accepted what my ex was, I would never have spent so much time going back and forth. But I loved the holidays to HEAT lol. And that was a massive hook for me, combined with the hook of sex. Sex and sunshine and all he had to do was click his fingers. But it always came at a price, which was basically my dignity.
I have my dignity now and it feels soooo fucking good. You will get there. The only way is to ignore him though.
You will get to the point of total indifference. I can imagine my ex shagging half of town now and I really don't care. He was probably doing it in my absence anyway. Why don't I care you might ask? Because I love me more than anything else now and I can see my WORTH. He tried to make me feel less than. He succeeded for a while.
Never let anyone treat you less than your true worth.