Once you drop the denial completely, I think you will get angry. That may take a while, as nobody wants to admit they wasted years with someone deceitful. I think there may still be some denial, which is normal. That comes quite simply from falling in love with a projected image and the abuser's clever manipulation of your feelings and something called cognitive empathy. This is not true empathy, they study you and mirror you right back to you. So basically they analyse the type of person they think you are and base what they do and say on your carefully observed reactions and behaviours.
Hence so much denial, because that fake persona can be really bloody convincing. I have experienced it, the I love yous, can't live without you, will change, the wonderful meals cooked to perfection every single day, the amazing bonding sex.... but none of it is real. I mean real love and empathy.
If it WERE real, that person would ALSO be honest, caring, respectful, would not cheat, would not comment on your hairy face, would not break into your house, would not lie to you and sleep with someone else single or plural behind your back.
Even if you have 95% good times, if the bad times are so bad and not normal couple disagreements about the toilet seat or which hotel to book for a holiday, whose in-laws to spend Christmas day with, that kind of "normal" stuff, then there is a problem. And if that problem cannot be resolved by normal communication and the party responsible for the problem is in denial and lies and does nothing about it, but expects you to forgive and forget, repeatedly, then do you have a good person or a bad person?
Think about it.
Took me a while to grasp this. I think Inner Integration says something about it in one of her recent videos. Perhaps the one I posted recently about hoovering actually.
Despite all the good times, with my ex, there was always a feeling that something was not quite right. I was not wrong there either. But the worst thing he could have possibly done to me was letting me take a 6 hour flight to where he was at the time, telling me how much he loved and missed me, then 3 or 4 days later, joking about my body, and insulting it. Then denying it, twisting his words and being angry about my response.
Is that a good person, if the rest of the time, things are ok? Mainly good? But then he does it again.. and then takes an opportunity to let me down in some other way.
That is not a good person at all, but I hung onto the rest. I think you may still be hanging on, that use of the word hope and hopefully.
Check out Richard Grannon and his latest video on setting your intent. And his other stuff.
Most of us who have been abused really needed a massive reality check because of the cognitive dissonance. Nobody wants to think they have been used in any way, right? Ultimately I had some good times too, but I know to stay with that person or to continue to give him any of my time or energy, would be a really bad move for the rest of my life. For a healthy and happy future. He would ruin my future.
Imagine a future with him constantly raping you, cheating, disappearing... Now imagine a future where you have a new partner who would never dream of hurting you and actually helps when you are ill, is considerate and honest. You CAN have that, but not while your energy and any hope at all is stuck on the abuser.
Make sure you accept he is abusive. Again, took me a while. I WAS abused and manipulated, it was all mind games and mental fuckery to keep me feeling less than.
On two occasions yesterday I had men ask me out. What is going on? I have cleansed the abuser's energy from my system. This never happened before. But I had to get angry first and do a lot of self-work. So keep up the no contact and do not crack. Cracking means going backwards and you are not headed that way.