False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Oh My God I wish this thread had been written 8 years ago ... I’m only just coming out of the other side of it and I have not seen him to talk to for a year! And yet he is still in my head all the time. Please OP take the advise on here because I wish someone had told me that it was a game - to them!
I’m currently in counselling (with a man) and I didn’t think I would be able to talk about what I have been through over the last years especially as he is a man but I had to get my thoughts out as I was going insane! He has really helped me see how I have been manipulated and exploited and deliberately chosen by this vile human as I was vulnerable ( although I didn’t know it at the time)
I am a shell of the person I was 8 years ago, I am constantly overthinking and lack the ability to make any decisions.
How I have managed to keep my job and my home life going is beyond belief.
I didn’t even live with the loser!

But as Gemma said the sex and the affection kept my hooked. I never had this level of attention or affection from me exdh and this kept my hooked. He cheated on me - constantly messaging girls and on dating apps.
Denied it and I believed him til I saw his car at someone’s house - took a pic of it and sent it to him . He lied that it he was him and his mates and just happened. Next time I saw a car at his flat I rang his doorbell and he wouldn’t answer .. said he was in bed ill... til I saw messages on his phone ... still denied it I would block him and he would ring me / email me . I found his profile on dating apps but he would say it was old and he hadn’t used them . Found him on tinder said he didn’t know how to use it !
One time he told me he wasn’t leaving his flat so I called round on my way home ... he had a woman round ... yet he still convinced me it was all in my head ! Honestly I was like a detective trying to figure it all out ! I was obsessed with getting him to admit it but he never did .
He would threaten suicide if I didn’t contact him ... he’s still breathing
My friends tried to talk sense into me To show me what he was like but I was hooked and in an ever spinning roller coaster.
My best friend said he’s a spineless coward cos if he had any feelings for me or cared he would not put me through this misery and the impact my mental health was having on everyone close to me.
Yet I couldn’t escape - I was addicted and obsessed.
Last year I was supposed to be going away with an old friend - ( I had recently got in contact with as he had isolated me from most of them)he found out and constantly berated me about going away and leaving him and how could I do this to him... even tho we hadn’t seen each other for months ..
my friend didn’t realise I had been going through this ordeal with him ( she worked for the same company as him but different dept)
In the end he drove me insane about this holiday which I hadn’t booked or committed to that my friend called me out on it and asked if I wanted to go - I said no.
Next thing he goes away with her ! She is no longer my friend btw !
These men are evil ! Pure evil. They look normal but they aren’t !
Stay away please. It’s hard but it’s like getting off drugs my counsellor said . They get you addicted and because they know all your weakness they use them to hurt and wound .
I’m getting there but he lives close by to me and has a new woman ... I feel sorry for her

Anything with highs and lows can be addictive, from drugs, to relationships to sugar. And anyone trying to break away from that addiction should be worthy of help, whatever the substance of choice may be.

And I don't think he even suspects you have a man round. He's trying to prod you into replying, even if that's with an indignant 'no, I'm on my own' because once you've broken your silence he knows how to get back to you again.

Don't break the silence. Don't just think 'oh, it's only the once, I can handle it'. An addiction is an addiction and only stopping completely stops you being an addict.

Your doing great! But remember the begging messages will soon turn to anger because your ignoring him. He will show his true colours soon enough. Keep up the good work!

Thanks @MashedSpud. I absolutely agree that we should help as much as possible and as much as needed. My well meant intention was to polarise the situation in an admittedly rather unguilded way. Difficult questions have to be asked to give another angle to the thinking behind the addiction in the hope that a different view will reveal more clearly the thinking behind the automatic responses programmed in the OP by the snivelling, disgusting shithead who is apparently fab in bed but otherwise a completely disgraceful human being. Honestly OP I had no wish to diminish you. Sincerely I wish you freedom from this fuckery

People used to suggest that I was enjoying the drama too. I really wasn't!

But you're right, you can't see anything when you're enmeshed in it, and you rarely act with reason. If so, why would you be with someone who is hurting you (physically or otherwise)? Why would you keep going back? Why would you think it's love? And if you have children (as I and the OP do) you certainly wouldn't want them involved in any way.

She can't see this yet.

And I agree. He will get angry. Very angry. And don't underestimate narscissitic rage. I got physically attacked because of it more than once. The second time was absolutely terrifying and left me with bruising and severe shock/ptsd that lasted a long time after the bruising. I can still get triggered very easily (like when the bastard contacts me) and the fear and anxiety become overwhelming. Like the OP, I didn't think he could attack - even though a previous gf had told me he had attacked her.

(ime the thing that triggers that rage is a fear of being exposed by the way - their reputations are the most valuable thing to them, because, in fact, as the OP states, it's all about them).

I think you should be contacting the police OP.

Thankyou guys!
Coming on here and talking is actually helped me so much so I would rather be addicted to coming on here than talk to him! And like you said it will set me back so much and this is the longest I have managed not to reply for!

Yes I might miss the attention once he stops but I'm hoping by keeping on writing on here everytime I'm tempted to message him you guys will remind me why it's not a good idea!
As as much as I know he's not a good person I still can't quite get my head around it!

The reason I don't want to call the police yet is because I don't want that drama...but if it gets any worse then of course I will but at the moment he has just driven past which he does a lot anyway Cos it's I his route home! If he starts knocking on my door I will call them!

@Imaceleb so sorry you have been through this too....I really wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! I can't believe he went away with your friend! That's awful!

@Zaphodsotherhead yes I'm starting to realise that this is another tactic of his. I have had a couple of other messages today saying I must of been with someone because normally I would tell him I wasn't and he thought he was hurting before but now it's worse. Blah blah.

He's using another tactic now....he knows how jealous I get of him...so now he's just messaged me saying about a girl that has followed him on Instagram...he's blocked so I would never ever see that but he knows that will get to me so that's why he has told me!
But much to my surprise I wasn't even bothered and I still haven't responded!

So will be interesting to see what he tries next

No I agree....right now I am not enjoying this drama. Monday when I hadn't heard from him all day it was actually nice!

Can't wait for that!

I have started making lots of plans with friends for the next few weeks and I'm actually really excited to go knowing I won't be worrying about what's he's up too!

I used to go out with friends occasionally but could never enjoy it as I would always be messaging him to check what he was doing! Can't wait not to feel that!

Can you not block him on Messenger, Whatsapp and every other thing you can think of?

He probably wouldn't even realise, and then he can message away into the void, trying to get a rise out of you. Interesting that he immediately jumps from accusing you of being with someone else to trying to make you jealous about HIM being with someone else (if you genuinely WERE with someone else, why the hell would you care?)

Block block block and then block again every time he uses another number. Don't even give his ridiculous messages brain room.

Keep it up op you're doing great. Don't be surprised if he continues to try and make you jealous, then when that doesn't work he'll get nasty, then silence, then back to nice again, then try and hook you in again with some inane drivel. And of course the op can't live without you' etc. It'll all come full circle

Yea I have blocked him and every number he keeps on using!
His parents his work mates etc! I just keep blocking them!

Yea I'm expecting lots of different methods....I can be really strong ignoring his messages....but I know and he knows if he catches me in person I'm not so strong....I don't know why but I can't say no to his face!
Do I just need to avoid him at all costs!

I had 3 messages off a number but didn't get them till a minute ago and then that's when I blocked the number!

So proud of you @heneverkeepshisword, stay strong. We are all routing for you

Thankyou 😊

Haven't been home yet....hoping there is nothing there!

So just got home to another letter!

And then he has just messaged me off my mates Instagram account a mutual friend should I say!

Just keep on ignoring him. With every day that passes he loses just a little bit more of the influence he has over you.

So I have just seen a meme on Instagram....stupid I know but it said...."there's nothing more attractive than a guy who fights for his relationship"

I know these memes mean nothing....but how do you tell the difference between healthy fighting and obsessive fighting?

Sorry if that's a really obvious question but I'm just confused!

I think the meme should read 'there's nothing more respectful than a man who accepts when his relatioship is over'.

Sorry, but 'fighting for a relationship' when the woman has said it's over isn't fighting, it's stalking.

Actually thinking about it and comparing it to my only other relationship I guess that was a healthy amount.

My exh I was with him for 13 years....when I told him i wasn't happy we tried again for a while but things got worse as he got clingy so then he finally said okay....I'm going to move out for 2 weeks and then u need to make a decision. I decided after the 2 weeks I still didn't want to be with him so he moved out and that was it....he used to tell me how upset he was and how I would regret it but he didn't keep on like this guy is!

I guess that's the difference

OP imagine what it will be like one day in the future with a decent boyfriend, where you trust him and don't fret 24/7 if he is cheating on you.

You and exbf are now single. You and he are both free to see other people. So he can crack on with his jealousy games because none of it matters.

Well done for staying strong. He WILL turn up in your doorstep at some point. Devise a strategy NOW for how you will deal with it so you are prepared. If he knocks on the door you can ignore it, but what if he arrives just as you are coming home or going out? What will you say and do? Prepare for this now and it won't need to mean that you cave out of fear of confrontation.

I have just read your latest update. Every time you feel a little bit special or flattered because he is begging you to come back, remind yourself that he does not love you. You could be anyone. You are just his supply of attention and his ego boost. He will never love anyone like he loves himself.

And you know he has several other women on the go and lined up to replace you. He needs more than one source of supply. You are not special to him, and you deserve to be with someone who does love you. Not him.

@Zaphodsotherhead

Sorry, but 'fighting for a relationship' when the woman has said it's over isn't fighting, it's stalking.

SPOT ON. My abusive ex used to send flowers when we split up. Every time. Never got me a gift when we were together - nothing in four years.

He wasn't trying to make me happy with the flowers he was trying to "win me back" aka manipulate me into reacting the way he wanted me to.

He knew I'd automatically say thank you and start the lines of communication again.

Funnily enough the last time he sent me flowers I didn't say thank you. He sent a few letters. I didn't say thank you. He got bored eventually and is now presumably playing the same game with his next victim.

To men like this, all you are is someone they project their wants and needs onto.

I said to my ex that it felt like his favourite thing about me was how much I loved him. He thought that was romantic and agreed with me. He didn't understand what a cunt that made him.

Do not move backwards OP - this man made you miserable!! Stop reading between the lines and start reading the facts - he treated you like shit and is only kind to you when he thinks you're going to be gone forever.

DO. NOT. LISTEN. TO. HIM!

@BendyLikeBeckham yes I have imagine that and hope that happens in years to come once I'm healed and this looser is out of my head.
Yea that's what I'm worried about....I'm not good at confrontation so don't know what to do! I'm thinking just tell him to go away and drive off....don't stay at home otherwise he might not ever go!
See that's what I still can't get my head around the fact that he could be like this with anyone! But I guess him stringing his ex and me along for so long does prove that! Had me while she was at uni and then had her while I had the kids!
I don't believe he has anyone else but it doesn't really matter!

@AFairlyHardAvocado yes totally the same! My ex brought me flowers once and that was when I just agreed to go to a dinner dance with him so really actually he was still trying to get me back then!
Yes I would always say Thankyou and I havent this time so I'm hoping after a few more days of me ignoring him he will give up......wishful thinking?

Don't go to his home.
Don't meet him.
Chemically he appeals to your body, but he is not a good man, he is just a wazzack trying to sew his seed.
He is not fighting for you.
He is just hunting something that got away, you have no value other than a trophy for his wall, that is not love.
If you meet him, say you need the loo and sit in there. He can't follow you.
Your strong, that is why he likes putting you down, to make him feel good. You need too see him as a loser.

@heneverkeepshisword and isn't it amazing that there are so many men EXACTLY the same, following the arsehole script?!

My ex outdid himself when I managed to get away, then he sent me a picture of a beautiful bouquet of flowers he wanted to give me, rang rings around me on the phone so I thought I was in the wrong, came and found me and drove me back to ours.

I was like oh where are the flowers. He said he took the picture in the shop but didn't buy them because he didn't know if I'd come back or not so didn't want to waste the money.... ALL FIVE POUNDS OF IT.

I am HOWLING now at how funny that is!!!

These people are jokes OP, I'm so hoping you can shake this loser and get on with your life

You have a stalker now.

Try thinking of the police a different way.

He is out of control. He is visiting your house. He is using other people's number or accounts. He is thinking about you maybe having sex with other people and getting angry. He is not healthy. The police telling him to back off is probably the best thing that could happen for both of you.