False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Just read your update - yes he is still the guy you spent the weekend with. The lovely man who coerced you into sex you didn’t want to have. Not helping his argument there really is he?

To answer your question: "So is it not me that's the bad person? As he hasn't once finished with me....it always me ending it and then taking him back?"

The reason you end it is cheating and other bad behaviour. You have good reasons to end it. HE is the bad person and you are ending it BECAUSE of that.

God is he trying to turn it on you now? They really do all read from the same fucking script!

My ex used to agree to me ending it, then a week later an email asking "Are you better now?" As if I had had fucking ebola! Better?? I made a decision to end it because you were being a wanker again... still... and nothing had changed. He liked to call me crazy though, too sensitive, difficult.... he was never in the wrong.

@Zofloramummy yes exactly that!
Everything he says is about how he feels and how this isn't fair on him!
Not one thought of me and that I might actually be better not talking.

Also interesting that he seems to think that the only reason you are ending it is because you are seeing someone else. So that means he takes zero responsibility for his behaviour. It means he can blame you and be the victim.

Yes @Gemma1971 he always calls me sensitive sally or he said I have like 2 personalities....which I guess is true....one that seen him for who he is and one that loved him!
He would always be like "I'll talk to you when you have calmed down and snapped out of this mood"

Yep he always thinks there is someone else and that's the only reason I am ending it.
Tbh I did go on a couple of dates with a guy when I finished with him once....too soon I know but when he worked his way back I was honest with him about it....so now he thinks I have someone else everytime!
Which I don't I never have! I end it because I'm not happy!

Oh I did that too after I ended things with my ex, had a fwb arrangement with someone. Tbh he was terrible in bed and then said he was falling for me. I ran in the opposite direction as fast as possible!!

Just because one fish on the pond wasn’t ideal doesn’t mean there won’t be a great one in the future. Just take the time to heal from this first and work on yourself.

yes they turn it around. We used to break up because I was so anxious and he couldn't deal wtih that. Because HE DIDN'T FEEL SAFE!

well, I was anxious because he was contacting and fucking other people.Because he was lying to me, or ghosting me, or messaging other people. But it was my fault because he didn't feel safe.

I never quite believed him tbh. And my anger would come out when I'd been drinking (and as he's an alcoholic too, that was too much of the time with him).

The gall of them to blame us. To never actually take responsbility for their actions (unless it's false tears and promises, or claiming a breakdown, or that they were tricked or manipulated by the other woman ).

Least I know when the kids are here I'm safe. The reason he drove past my house tonight is because he knows there not here! I'm so glad he didn't knock or try to get in. Doors are locked tho so he wouldn't be able too!

If he does then don’t let him in and ring the police he he doesn’t go away. You owe him nothing, no explanations, no conversation. You have probably talked until you are exhausted in the past about what is wrong in your relationship, he didn’t act on anything to make it better for you. So he doesn’t get a chance to ply you with false promises now. Don’t get sad, get mad. And once you’ve got over this the best revenge will be a life where day to day you don’t even think about him anymore.

You are safe when you choose to be. If you think he still has keys, change the locks. If he tries to break in, get the police, no messing.

The reason he is obsessively mentioning that you have someone else is not normal. Healthy men and women, when a relationship ends, reflect on their own part in its demise. The reason he thinks there MUST be someone else is because HE would never end it with anyone unless he had excellent supply lined up FIRST. This was exactly what my ex abuser was like. Utterly obsessed that there was someone else. So arrogant and entitled.

So last time I told him, yes, there is someone else now and he is pissed off no end that you keep bothering me. MOVE IT ALONG!

Op, you are safe whether someone else is there or not. If you mean safe as in you fear he will break in? Rape you...? Police. Or do you mean you can't trust yourself to resist The Schlong?

mine too Gemma.

He used to think I was seeing men and women if I was with them. And if I was with him, he'd "pee" on me like a dog.

It's just not normal - the way he's behaving now OP, (he's stalking you!). or his assumption you must be seeing someone else. My friend and an ex like yours too - he'd be at her house (outside) all the time, and always assumed she was shagging someone else. He went to her book club and her meet up groups because we was convinced she must be shagging the men there.

When I did see someone else, he just couldn't cope.

OP it's creepy as fuck that he is looking into your house to see which room has lights on. Really, really creepy. And moving into harassment territory.

Have you responded to any of the communication from him today? Hopefully not. Please don't engage with this it will only carry on for longer!

If he continues especially with making it clear then you will need to go to the police. They won't run over and arrest him, they will go and speak to him to make it clear you want no contact whatsoever and that if he does it will be considered harassment and he will be arrested and questioned.

His comments about your house / you being in / lights being on is NOT him trying to prove he cares, it is a thinly veiled reminder that he knows where you are all the time. He's trying to intimidate you into submission. What a total cunt.

Please don't stop your progress by agreeing to meet for a chat.

He thinks you'll find this letter vulnerable and romantic. But please take a step back and see tat NONE of the things he wants are about you - even after all this!

He wants you to tell him you don't hate him.
He wants you to tell him he's the last person you slept with.
He wants you to confirm you know where he's coming from.
He wants you to unblock him.
He wants you to come over to talk.

Him, him, him, him, him and bloody him FFS!

It's over now, you must follow through on your plan for no contact!!

OP, that last message from him actually sounds quite sinister. He is letting you know that he is watching you. He is making accusations because how dare you break up with him and mean it!

This period is the most dangerous time according to Womens Aid. An abuser who isn't getting traction after their victim leaves them will ramp up the pressure, and it can often lead to violence (you must be punished for rejecting him) coercion (you must be controlled through manipulation and guilt to be with him), rape (because he is entitled to your body as and when he wants it), and even murder (if he cannot have you, nobody can).

You may not feel afraid of him right now, but I think you should be very very careful. You don't know.what he is capable of when his begging tactics don't work, because you've never tested him (always giving in). He could become very dangerous. He already broke into your house before, remember? He does not respect one singer boundary you have put in place. And he views you as a possession he owns, who must be put in her place, which is to serve him.

Please make sure your doors and windows are locked and bolted. Tell a friend you may need to call them if he turns up. And do not be hesitant to call the police too if he does again.

Also as I said before, keep his messages. He is proper stalking you now, driving past your house and sending veiled threats to you to make you uneasy.

Thankyou guys!

I haven't responded to one single message! He's sending them via iMessage so he doesn't know I'm reading them either!

Normally a letter I would respond too and I have had 2 now....so I feel actually quite good that I am not giving in this time!

Yea he does have abit of a temper so if he comes knocking I'll just ring the police! Once he came over in the morning and we argued etc as I couldn't not open the door as I had to go to work! So I'm hoping he doesn't do the same tomoro morning!

God I hope he doesn't carry on for much longer

Your right with it all being about him....that's all it ever is and was!

Never once has he thought about me and actually how this might be affecting me!

He is competitive in all ways just with loosing a gf I didn't expect it to come out there too!

I reckon all his other supplies have sacked him off as when I first used to end it with him he would run back to them....but for the last 6 months when I have ended it probably every week he hasn't gone to them and that's why he's keeping on at me as he doesn't have anyone else!
Ha!
I'm glad!

OP you're doing great, keep reminding yourself why you're doing this.

I've written a long list of the reasons why it won't work and I'm going to keep reading it.

I like the idea of crossing off on a calendar, I'm going to try that too. Any habit can be broken with time, and this is kind of a habit right?

Keep posting here for support. Your thread is helping me too.

Well done OP, you’re doing brilliantly.

I think you would be wise to call 101 and alert the police to the fact that he’s harassing you. Also mention the fact that he has guns. They’ll probably jump to attention quicker if they know that, and you don’t know if or when that might become important information.

he’s calling and texting constantly, coming to your house and posting letters, he’s even seen you in tesco, which I wouldn’t be entirely convinced is not on purpose tbh. This is heading into stalking territory.

Even if he fucks off tomorrow and you never hear of him again, I think you should contact the police. He’s broken into you house before, so why would he go quieter this time.The police can put a note for your name and address so if he starts they’ll respond as an emergency. I definitely think you’d be sensible to call them.

Well done though, you’re doing so well. Keep it up.

And do keep it up. By giving him any response at all you’re effectively buying yourself another six weeks of this.

Be honest with yourself OP, you are addicted to not only his continued contact (makes you feel special) but reporting to us MNers and having us feed you various versions of the same message over and over again. You know what you have to do if you want to be free but the question really is, do you actually want to be free? Shag him = yet more instability, the crushing of what little self worth you have and ultimately continued unhappiness or Ignore him = the path to a brighter future for you and your family and freedom to find a proper loving relationship eventually

You’re doing really well!! He is a snivelling pathetic little man isn’t he? I’m embarrassed for him reading those grovelling messages.

If he tries to stop you from going to work please call the police.

I don't really feel comfortable ringing the police yet.
I have my boys over the weekend so I know he won't come around.
If things get worse I will ring them but I really don't want to just yet.

Thankyou everyone for helping me on this thread! It really is helping! Maybe I am addicted to this thread now but surely it's better this way? And then once I have got rid of him I won't be so addicted? People keeping telling me the same thing is helping! Because realising what he is doing isn't original makes me realise that it's not love! He's trying so hard to me it's flattering but reading all your posts and you guys keep saying the same thing makes it hit home!
This isn't normal!

Ignore that OP. Come and post on here as much as you need to, that is what MN is for.

Better to blurt it all out here than have a moment of weakness and speak to him.

WhenPushComesToShove that really isn’t helpful. If you don’t want to read this thread, just scroll on.

WhenPushComestoShove, has anyone ever manipulated you so badly that you no longer know up from down?

Targets of these types struggle to come to terms with the fact that the person they think they love is not a good person. The struggle is real. OP is super vulnerable and still at a point where he could click his fingers and back she goes. She may be addicted to his attention still, it's a trauma bond. But the more we help her, especially those of us who have been there, the better it will be for her.

There is very little help out there for people stuck in these situations as the majority of people don't understand it. If someone is targeted by a clever conman and loses money, we don't blame the victim and we demand and expect justice and recompense for the victim in fact.

The experience and impact of being targeted by a con man of this variety, the relationship one, is just as awful. Sometimes it also comes with financial abuse, theft, misappropriation etc. It is not to be laughed at or taken lightly. I lost nearly a decade of my life and I have a friend who was married to one. Targets deserve just as much help as financial targets.

Whenpushcomestoshove makes a valid point.

What will op do when he does lose interest? Will she miss the attention and drama and contact him again?

He’s stalking her but she doesn’t want to call the police yet. Why not? He has guns. She has kids. Is it because he wouldn’t be able to give her attention if he has a restraining order?

She’s already stated her friends are fed up of hearing about it.

It’s all very well cheerleading and kissing arse but it doesn’t always help the situation.