False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

If you find yourself at a loose end OP take a look at this if you fancy, it explains the stage you're at now where they'll start trying to hoover you up again:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2019/02/5-reasons-a-narcissist-engages-in-hoovering/

Things like this helped me to realise my ex is doing such textbook things because they are in no way actually about me.

He simply acted out a series of steps that he would have acted out on anyone who allowed him to. It just happened to be me.

I was able to disconnect myself from him so much more the minute I had the epiphany I was little more than someone to use as a puppet in his very own "me me me" show.

Just thought I'd share in case if any use

And SPOT on from another poster - what happens now is fully under your control. Rather than just thinking if he does xxx then I'll do yyy, instead think of and plan things that are entirely separate from him and entirely positive for you!

I never thought I'd feel utterly indifferent to my ex but here I am, able to enjoy the glorious feeling of "meh" about him. Nada!

Do they actually realise what there doing? That's what I'm always wondering!
Or is it just part of who they are?

Like if someone told someone with narcissistic traits that they think that's what they are...would they be shocked?

It's mad Cos I remember when he got in touch with his ex once we split I remember telling him then..."did you not think of her at all? Bringing all those feeling back for her is not fair so why did you do it? You know she will come back as she loved you so why put her through that I know u were lonely and thought u had no one else but it wasn't fair on her..."

This was all before I knew what narcissists and hoovering was....now it all makes sense!

That's the thing my love - you're doing what we all do when we let them go and spending time psychoanalysing them - why do they do it? How could they? Are they sorry? Could I have done xyz to stop them etc etc etc

STOP! Instead try to start spending that time educating yourself using things like the link I shared to help you spot the signs and never put up with their shit again.

You'll soon realise they will do what they do for as long as they have someone at hand who hasn't seen through their bullshit. Once you recognise that and know you're worth more than they could ever give you, the answers become simple.

Do they know they're doing it?
Doesn't matter - they do it and it's not what you want.

Do they feel sorry?
Doesn't matter - the still do it and it's not what you want.

Is it just part of who they are naturally?
Doesn't matter - it's just how they are

That article resonates with me. My ex used to say "who do you belong to?" I actually think he thinks he can go back to anyone at any time. A couple of years ago, he asked if his wife would take him back. He treated her so badly, yet was surprised when she said no. He is surprised she won't even be in the same room as him.

He has contacted me in the last month even though I reported him to the police for attacking me. He tried to befriend me on SM - I actually think he thinks it was ok to send me that. There is nothing you can do to make them think that they can't come back. It all has to come from you. People go back after the most dreadful treatment. After violence, blatant cheating, lies, ghosting and horrendous sexual stuff. I have done so - such is the strength of trauma bonds. we are so much under their control, we'll get pregnant, we'll take them back 10 times, we'll dump nicer (but less exciting) boyfriends - because they don't give us the buzz. They don't hurt us either mind, or rape us, or cheat on us, or dump us, or hit us, or degrade us in sex, or make us do things we don't want to do, or make us beg, sob, scream., They don't make us so anxious we can't sleep or eat,. but they don't give us that feeling of being The One. So we go back! It's madness.

And they hate us for it. They have zero respect. They cheat on us, and slag us off, and the next time they treat us even worse. That will teach us for being so weak!

That buzz just isn't worth it. It really isn't. And it's in YOUR power. They are too addicted to the supply of you, of adoration, of sex, to ever leave you alone. You're brilliant supply for them (and actually many people wouldn't even put up with it for a minute, or see right through them, so they don't have much choice) so they won't ever give up.

and you think that the reason they keep coming back to you is because they love you the most. Because you're special. Because you're soulmates and you're the one.

That's crap! It's insane to think like that, I know that now.

no, it's because you let them come back. It's because you keep taking them back when other people wouldn't, when other people would never take a cheat or a liar back - one strike and they're out. Not 10 strikes. They come back because you don't enforce or even recognise boundaries. Because you are only supply to them. It's not love.

I hear many women say about men like this that they just have this special connection with them, etc and they soul mates.

But the thing is, these guys ALWAYS have several women on the go and say versions of the same thing to all of them.

They keep going back and refreshing the stable whenever they properly fuck one of them over... they return years later sometimes... not because they have a "special connection" but because they want to always make sure they have a few women on the go. And the easiest customer to get is one you've got before... you know what they like, what to say, the weak spots.

And yet the women often refuse to believe this. They seem to honestly believe that the man's words are true, based only on how the words make them feel...

The heart is deceitful above all things... feelings are easy to create with words. Talk is cheap... but it works like a charm for guys like this.

So I have just got home and then I lock the door have a shower....come down and there's another letter shoved through the door and my favourite chocolate bar!

The letter tho....yes I read it because I knew it would be the same shit....it has actually made me laugh....

Part of it says..."if I don't hear from you tonight then I'll be led wondering all night that your with someone else and that's not very nice is it"

Hahahahah hahahahaha

Is he actually joking? What about the the nights I was awake wondering what he was doing! New year he went to go see the girl he cheated on me with....yes I broke up with him but he told me he would wait for me at his house....but no instead he went up and spent the night at her house!
He didn't bloody care about me then did he!

I actually can't believe him!!

It also said "I just walked past you in Tesco, I'm not sure why I didn't stop you"

God I'm so glad I didn't see him!

Looks like you're finding your anger!! Hold on to it!! He's a w@#*#r and no mistake. Don't feed his ego, it's killing him that's he's 'lost control' of you. Use this!

well yes Rvby - apparently my ex was in touch with 2 of his exes over the last month - both of us lined up as potential new sources of supply. He is lining up his next girlfriend. He doesn't care - he just hates being alone, and spins the soulmate line to us all. He has flipped from woman to woman (often yo-yoing between the same two women) . One has been on his list for years - always there for him, always taking him back , despite him leaving her so many times and even living with another woman. Despite him treating her like absolute shit. She believes she is his soulmate because he always goes back to her.

I really believed it too for ages - it was such a compelling thought. Moe fool me.

Chocolate OP?! He's not very original.

You know, it's not normal to go to someone's house when they've broken up with you. To constantly call them. To write to them. To watch them. It isn't love. At best It's creepy and it's disrespectful.

Actually you saying it like that has actually made me think.
Yes of course they keep coming back if your going to let them!
The thing is your story of him keep going back because she lets him even tho he keeps leaving her for another woman....
Isn't that what I'm doing to him? I remember him saying over the summer "your literally picking me up and putting me down like I'm a lost puppy, and I keep coming back!"
So is it not me that's the bad person? As he hasn't once finished with me....it always me ending it and then taking him back?

OP, you have had amazing honest and open advice and support here from women who have been you in the past. I love MN for this.

I am so pleased to hear you laughed at his letter. You are moving forward!

I would say you should keep his letters, emails and texts. Do not delete them. They are evidence of harassment and stalking, and if he ramps up the attempts and won't take no for an answer in the coming weeks and months, then you may need to go to the police. So print out and put a folder together of all this shit and keep it safe because you might just need it to help the police prosecute him, or for a non molestation order from the court. Keep your options open with this, but hopefully you won't need to take this action if he goes away.

You are not treating him like a lost puppy. He is a master manipulator. He is reeling you in, hoovering you up, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET HIM. Don't fall for any of his self pity or pleading. He only wants you because you are easy and keep allowing his bullshit behaviour. Until now. Because you won't take him back this time. He doesn't know it yet. Your continued total ignoring of him will eventually work, but the harassment might get worse before it gets better.

Everyone has been amazing!

If it wasn't for everyone on here I'm sure I would of taken him back by now.

Yea true...I guess if he just left me alone I wouldn't of ever got back with him.

He only used the puppy phrase Cos that's what I said to him once!

I'm like a loyal puppy....no matter how many times he beats me I always get back up and come back and be loyal!

No more!

haha on the puppy thing. Mine said that too. That he was just my puppy.

.

They really are all the same!

He's just rang the house phone! Obviously I didn't answer!
He isn't going without a fight!

Yet all his letter says is that he's not going to fight for me just wants to talk, he's accepted it's over!
Well if he has why doesn't he just leave me alone

Because he still thinks you're just waiting for him to say the right thing that snaps you back to his side. He can't accept it's over because it's not HIM saying it's over.

You don't count. You're barely even a person to him. Just a thing that he wants.

Next time answer in an automated voice:
The person you are calling doesn't give a fuck.
And hang up.

Well done OP. Keep up the strict NC.

"Do they actually realise what there doing? That's what I'm always wondering!
Or is it just part of who they are?"

God nobody knows. Not even specialised shrinks.

What we do know, however, is they enjoy hurting and using people and have an endless void inside, which is usually where a decent heart and soul reside. It has to be filled and one person's healthy love is never enough.

Been down the tried to understand him and help him road and only got me hurt over and over again.

I have literally lost count of the number of times my ex would say "I will NEVER fight for you."

And yet only the other day he was trying again. They are screwed up, we cannot fix them and personally I am at a point of not giving a shit why they do it.

I do believe most of it is done consciously and deliberately. And it hurts us and they do not make good partners. They will never be happy. They could be with a Victoria's Secret model with the intellect of Einstein and a bottomless bank account and they would STILL find fault with her and cheat.

Yea my problem is I love to help people!

So just had another message off him from his parents phone!
Basically begging me.....

"Ok so I’m going to say exactly what I’m thinking. You have someone else at yours now. Your bedroom light was on and so was the light in the living room... I’ve kinda kept it together for the last couple of days but I’m having a melt down now. I don’t want to fight to get you back but I jist would like to be able to talk to you and not feel like you hate me! I know you’d hate that so you must be able to see where I’m coming from?? You know me and you Know what I’m thinking and how it feels! I’ve changed my number just to be able to speak to you so you don’t hate me and you still won’t talk to me! I know I can leave you alone if we’re on good terms and I know you don’t hate me.
Please please please if your not with anyone now then jist say you don’t hate me or come over or something unblock me on something because it’s the worse feeling in the bloody world. I’ve done the thing you’ve asked (I know it was late) and you still have me blocked. Please I’m still the guy you spent the weekend with!"

I'm actually not tempted at all! This is progress!

He isn’t leaving you alone because he has invested time and energy into making you his plaything. He wants to be in control of the situation not you. If he had met someone else and left you then he wouldn’t give you another thought. It’s because YOU have made the decision to end it that he is doing all of this.

I chucked my narc angry controlling ex out 18 months ago. I got letters after I’d blocked him on everything. When I read them the one thing that stood out about them was that they were all about how HE was feeling, what HE thought, not one mention of me or my feelings. He said that he was doing well, new jobs, new home etc not one mention of paying me (a single mum) a penny back for the 8 months he sat unemployed in my house eating my food and asking for money. No it was all about him and a load of emotional twaddle about never finding anyone else like me again. Given the way he treated me like an ATM and a verbal whipping post I sincerely hope he stays single and no other poor woman gets sucked in.

I on the other hand have found that I don’t need anyone else in my life. I’m happy being single, I have a lovely job, great family and a wonderful dd. I don’t need someone to make me whole, I am whole, and I’m worth more than the misery of being in that relationship.

I went completely silent, no contact at all and it was the best option. Prior to that I’d tried 3 times to end it and each time he hoovered next back up. Cold turkey all the way, it hurts for a bit but then everything gets better.

Also whatever you do don’t date again until you have reset your boundaries and you like yourself because you’ll be like catnip to these type of men

Yea that's one thing me and him agreed on...,he is never content and never happy!