Dating thread 173 - Winter is coming - 'cuffing' is optional

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I have a lodger and dogs. They help a lot. I always knew I would experience loneliness at some stage. It feels strange but I’m trying not to take it personally - alone-ness rather than loneliness, and it too shall pass. For that I am determined.

About that, I should say! Scary, even my grammar is letting me down

Thanks for your counsel, thread team. Mr Boring as I have renamed him carried on messaging me all night and again this morning (the last one being a plaintive 'but I like you though' (erm, who do you like, you never asked a damned thing about me, I could be a serial killer?). I did feel sorry for him (he is so much nicer in text than in person) but have not replied again. Thanks for backing me up. @stealthninjamum a few months ago I would also have gone for a second date out of pity and ended up really resenting him for it, but I am so upset I wasted a night when I could have been at the gym! That's the problem with all this. I've had two dates that have been crap, yet if I had gone to the gym I KNOW I would have had a good workout. So that's my benchmark for a second date ... 'Are you more worthwhile than Circuits?' Hmm...

So just got Mr Beardish on Hinge and Mr Everyman on WhatsApp. Both good chats but neither has asked me out yet and I have a free evening next Wednesday and both are child-free and local. Do I drop a hint?

@TigerDater and @unambiguousbeard - loneliness worries me too. Have always lived with someone (parents, flatmates, husband, kids) and in 18 months DD will leave home for University. It worries me a lot. In a lot of ways I do not really want to date at the moment but I'm worried that by the time she goes I will be 2 years older and utterly decrepit (men my age on the apps are pretty dreadful) so am sort of getting out there in preparation, despite lack of time and opportunity making it quite stressful (also the lying as DD would be appalled at the thought of me dating even though my crappy ex can do what he likes )

@Dancerinthemoonlight aw, lovely post!

PS also - tried Bumble. What a horrific app! Keeps freezing, inundated with ads and cannot see anyone who likes me unless I pay a hefty £26.99 or something? Also not even nice men. Am I just being really thick and not using it properly?

uttersocks I’m the same, get annoyed if I miss the gym for a rubbish date. Im going to avoid the prolific texters from now on, I often end up feeling sorry for people and then up stuck with someone who’s really boring (Mr Skinny) and then find it hard to get rid. Keeping my fingers crossed for a coffee with Mr Beard tomorrow, seems we have the same taste in music which is pretty rare as I have a weird taste in bands.

uttersocks I held off dating for quite a long time as I didn’t want to do so when any of the DC we’re still around, but finally took the plunge as the little buggers kept coming back! Still have one based here at 24 🤷‍♀️ Though she’s off travelling now. So if you want to date, date and the DC’s sensibilities will just have to catch up. Sauce for the goose as well as the crappy gander I say.

As for decrepit... I’m 57 and feel more full of life than I have since I was 22. And men in their 50s may not be much to look at but that’s OK by me so long as they have a sense of humour and are good kissers etc. Not worrying about looks kind of broadens the pool and takes the pressure off both parties IME.

@UtterSocks I hate bumble. I find the men on it in London are just yuk. And also totally agree with what @TigerDater said about it being a narcissists paradise (or something...) because we have to approach them and they can ignore.

I've always been too busy to be lonely and I don't seek people out. But I'm no longer at the school gate, I've gone back to uni and I'm surrounded by 18 year olds so I can go for days without speaking to anyone. And I think it's getting to me.

Or maybe I'm just still upset about mr U. I'm in no place to be dating. I'm still on tinder and have been asked out by 4 or 5 men but I'm not interested in them in the least.

I don't quite agree with @TigerDater on Bumble necessarily being for narcissist types but obviously haven't experienced it as a woman (yet .. who knows things may change !) Fair enough if you don't like sending the first message. In my experience, Bumble first messages are frequently a simple 'hi' transferring the opening of the conversation back to the bloke anyway.

No, I'm on Bumble and so maybe I feel a little bit slighted; I'm alright, I think (even though I'm saying it myself) and not attention seeking and rarely swipe right. The main reason I don't quite agree with @TigerDater is in the singling out of Bumble - online dating in general could be a narcissists or validation seekers paradise. You can go around matching with everyone on any platform to seek supply of attention if you're that way inclined. Have to say it doesn't seem to happen like that with my profile so I have to conclude there are not many women behaving that way

Sorry you're feeling so down @unambiguousbeard if you can do something social it will help, though it's a bit late now, I'm sad to say. Staying at home with the four walls and your thoughts is never very pretty in the aftermath of a breakup.

hairy wolves in sheep’s clothing have been my experience of Bumble - plus it’s the only app that I’ve been sent unsolicited dick pics on. Pics and being told what to do are not my thing, so Tinder suits me better.

unambiguous can you socialise with the other students? My DD absolutely loved hanging out with the more mature students at uni when she was 22 and doing her masters in London

@UtterSocks use bumble exactly the same as tinder. You can only see who likes you if you both swipe right (or pay but I don't know anyone who does that). Only difference from tinder is women have to message first. All the men I've ended up having something nice with, however brief, have been off bumble. I found tinder overwhelming and the other apps underused in this area.

Hi Ladies, please can I join you? I've enjoyed reading about your stories. I'm very recently single, and will be looking to join a dating site in the future... I've had bad experiences on them years ago, so hopefully it will be better this time round.

@HairyArsedMan I have been trying to go out! But people in familes/couples are so flaky. They call it off at the last minute. I had a really good group of mainly single women friends but one of them really shat on me and the others didn't support me. I can't go into it but it was a #metoo moment and it still hurts. I basically lost my social life and a large part of my support group.

The students are so straight. They're so young. Loads of them live with their parents and I don't think there's much partying going on. It's a vocational course and they're all verrrry serious. It might happen in time. I do chat to them but it's hard.

I think I'm actually depressed. Things like this don't normally get to me. I'm always happy to stay home with a book. I've been ill for about 2 months in a variety of ways and I'm exhausted. I might be mourning mr u or it might be depression. Whichever it's pretty bloody wearing

I thought you might say they were a bit straight unambiguous - that is a problem for youngsters studying in London, they’re under a lot of pressure and they can’t afford to party much. Sorry to hear about your friendship group, that really sucks. If these feelings persist, perhaps you need to get thee to the GP?

I'm already on the max dose of anti deps. My thyroid is definitely wonky and I suspect I'm anaemic. I'm hoping it's one of those so it's easily sortable. It could also be dealing with the first breakup in 20 odd years. I Don't count DH. That was a blessing! And there is such a lot of other stuff going on.

re students. It's so expensive for them. Last time round no one went to any lectures, plus they were mostly rubbish, well mine were. We all hung about being cool 😁 it's a different thing entirely these days. It's all about actually studying! Which suits me...

Apologies I've derailed the thread.

Welcome @bangheadhere40 it's a brilliant thread. So much good advice. Read the rules. They really are worth following. And dating can be such fun.

I was just wondering how your chat was going@shitwithsugaron xx

Hi all, I've got my third date tomorrow- and feeling unbelievably nervous still. Didn't think I'd be feeling this on a third date. Thought I'd be well relaxed by then. Trying to enjoy the nerves and also giving myself a talking to about pulling myself together!

Hey unambiguous, I have a dodgy thyroid which trips me up a lot. I get super tired and flat and am back on ADs because I felt very nihilistic. They've definitely helped with overthinking and obsessive thoughts and I try to do small socials like a coffee with a colleague I would have previously written off.
You've had a hard time with Mr U as it's not straightforward and that must be very draining. Heading into the dark months doesn't help either. Hope you can find something fun to do this weekend xx

Thanks @Thing101 that is a really good way to describe it, tripping you up. I totally forget about it and my dosage isn't even sorted yet. I just keep running on empty wondering why my hair looks shit and why I'm aching and fed up and tired until I hit the wall. This time I realised that's what it is when the skin on my feet started splitting everywhere. Last time it was when all my eyelashes fell out. I don't know why I can't get a grip on it. My gp is really good though, once I get an appointment.

Sooo tomorrow I am finally meeting the man I’ve been talking to for months 😬😬. Don’t know where we are meeting yet as can’t decide

My commiserations unambiguous and thing, a dodgy thyroid is a nasty thing 💐

Welcome @bangheadhere40

I have a dodgy thyroid too! Overactive and it comes and goes and trips me up too. It's always the last thing I think of when I'm feeling flat but it's usually that rather than actually being depressed iyswim.