Dating thread 173 - Winter is coming - 'cuffing' is optional

[CodLiverOil556]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I meant to say curiousity got the better of me and I also searched his original nickname on fab. The name was an apparently famous Spanish porn star from the 60s. Said porn star was also apparently well endowed.

Mr Camera was born and bred English and having seen those photos yesterday that's where their commonality ended. and in need of some manscaping

I am making new female friends on the friendship app on Bumble. That's been fun.

Still feel sick. Must stop thinking about it.

I tended to find I was never swiping right on Tinder so I had more dates on Bumble plus POF. I did a mass swipe right on Tinder without thinking and got matches so I think it was just me being picky.

I've been on and off the apps now for a while but think the break for Xmas is due. I have my FWB who I see regularly plus my ex partner is causing no end of stress by threatening me so this itself has reminded me why life is a lot calmer being single. I don't think I have the confidence to risk starting again right now.

Aw @Eesha, sorry you are having a hard time with your ex. Why is it so many of us have awful exes on here?

@saltysally didn't know Bumble had a female friendship option! TBH I do find female friendship so much easier than dating, I don't get men Is that free or subscription?

Argh, so almost 4 weeks of knowing each other and MrDr dropped the L-bomb on me last night.

For context, he is away on business in another country. Physically we have only met 4 times (haven't had sex yet due to logistics), but we talk/message for hours on a daily basis and have both been blown away about how much we feel comfortable with each other. We met by complete accident and prior to that had both resigned to the fact we would never meet someone who would tick boxes etc. Both have been happy being on our own and comfortable with ourselves.

So last night he messaged to say he'd had a few to drink and then was talking about an activity he loved that he'd done in the day. Then said, "but I love you more than I love doing that". I honestly didn't know what to say, because I've had the massive feels for this guy since the first time we started talking. I'm a grown woman in late 40s with a marriage and LTR in the past, but never have connected with a partner in the way we do.

Then he was trying to explain it was in context and he was worried he had upset me as I'd gone quiet. I just didn't know what to say because I do feel very connected to him and the feelings are intense - is it love? I honestly haven't felt like this before! He said he hasn't experienced feeling like this either with anyone else in his life.

I am in two minds now. There's the part of me that thinks, fuck it and just go with it and there's the other part that wants to proceed with caution because of past issues. I don't think he is love bombing me. He's very articulate in expressing how he feels and also says everything should go at the pace I want it to, knowing a bit about my past. He comes back next week and we will be meeting up/staying with each other, so time will tell.

@WooMaWang yep! I've met my soulmate and we're good together!

@PinkMonkeyBird I'm the same but the different being I knew it was coming and if he didn't say it then I was going to. I've never met anyone like him and we have connected in every way possible - he is the male version of me and we were definitely meant to meet. I miss him when he's not with me and I miss him as soon as I've left him. We have a whole weekend together next weekend and I'm so looking forward to it

I think there are different phases of love? First flush of love, it's called, right? Different to the love of a life spent together. Both equally valid, I feel.

Mr G was very sure of his feelings for me early on, but has not been pushy in any sense, just showing me he cares and letting things grow. We are close to the L word.

@StealthNinjaMum
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. It echoes what my counsellor said last night. I'll give him a chance because i am keen to see him but he's going to have to open up a bit because I refuse to go in blind.

In other news I'm starting to feel properly over my ex. There's a sense of relief and freedom that has crept up on me. I'm mostly mourning the hopes i held for my family now and I'll move past that. I feel actually ready to date now amd am ezcited about my one on Saturday with Mr Beard... though also feeling a little slutty as Mr double barrelled (FWB) is staying over on friday for a shagfest.

Fucked him again and it was lots better than the first time....mostly because i wasn't so paralysed with nerves that i could actually take part, but there was rather a quick fire tendency...both times...and i was left hanging... thoigh he helped fix that after. Bit disappointing. I would have thought by 30 the tendency to go off like a rocket might have been overcome somewhat.... oh well. I enjoy the rest of it and he's a nice chap so fuckit.

Date two with Mr Dog this evening.
A little hiccup yesterday when he was a bit off with me on the phone. But he apologised, saying that he wasn't feeling great. He was seriously ill at the beginning of the year and is still getting over it. Not sure yet if this could become an issue.

He seems completely smitten with me. I like him, he makes me laugh, we seem to get each other and I'm not worried that he's seeing other people. But despite that, I wouldn't get upset if I didn't see him again.

echo I don’t want to be a downer but isn’t it a bit strange for him to be ‘off’ on the phone whilst at the same time being smitten with someone he’s met once?

TigerDater no, you're not being a downer. I have the same thoughts.
He did explain himself but I don't really want to post on here as it could be a bit outing.
I understand why he was having a bad day. My concern is that I could be dating someone who has physical and possibly mental health issues.

But on the other hand we do seem to have a very good connection, so I'm going to give him a chance and see how it goes.
And I've tried to just make a joke when he says something a bit too mushy, as well as reminding him that we've only met once.

Can anyone advise me? I've had date two with MrMaserati. He is so left of field for me but I really like him. He's a big bear of a man and I want to hug forever....the problem I have is money. How do you deal with it? I am worried because he is giving the impression he is wealthy. It's a red flag to me due to ex presenting this image for 15 years but actually being penniless and got into huge debts in my name.

I'm not motivated by money as I've dug myself out of that huge debt and deception hole and have been independent ever since (I have had a partner since but didn't live together and was still on my own financially).

I worry that him having money will be tricky as I don't (I get by and manage and am ok with that)....but I'm not even sure his money really exists and maybe he's just trying to hook me in? He has talked about a hugely expensive car he is buying and also a house as he is moving back to area to be near his daughter, but when I've suggested registering details or getting a friend to advise on houses for sale (in that industry) he says he like to be below radar and not in systems....

On the plus side, he really is funny, confident and lovely. He has a DD with significant disabilities and is from the sound v v supportive, involved and hands on, hence moving back to area. Is good friends with her mum as a lot of co parenting regards health decisions and care.

Do I just carry on dating and not worry about it, or it is a good idea to bring up? I don't know, it just feels tricky. I guess my ex partner just had a job and we split things separately and that was it. However that didn't really work either!

For someone so wealthy, he doesn't exactly have a visible digital footprint either....LinkedIn and Social Media. In itself I get about not being on those platforms, but it does sound similar to self employed SBEXH and MrMaserati mentioned having a zero tax bill. He said he doesn't ever keep emails or texts and always deletes them and actually doesn't text. He mentioned an app he got his ex to put on his Dsd phone so they could track her (due to drug issues at the time) and that also worried me as it is one of the things my ex husband did to me I sort of think phoning is just lovely, maybe it's just a difference we have, but I can't help worrying these things are red flags!

I have a degree in overthinking and worrying but also my experience of money hasn't been good at all, and most very wealthy people I know don't talk about it!

BackIn have you googled his name? If he’s a successful business person he should come up in some searches? Sorry, I’m pretty good at looking people up to find out if they are who they say they are. I have dated a few well off men, the money thing doesn’t really bother me but bragging about buying flash cars and houses would probably be red flag.

@BackInAtLast I'm a bit wary of those you can't trace at all online. It sounds a bit like he is trying to present a sort of image to you. Why not just be a bit wary but keep dating as I think too early to call it. It's interesting as you are seeing similarities with your ex too though.

@BackInAtLast that would raise all sorts of red flags for me. Especially the deleting everything and 'below the radar ' oddness. I hope I'm wrong as you like him but do check him out

@KermitRulesOK Thank you, I had a feeling it would come out due to some other things he had said in the past few days. We will see...I didn't say it back as I was a bit shocked. I'd rather this be happening in person, than over the phone a thousand miles away.

@MoreNiceCereal I think that's it...he definitely deeply cares for me and we have both acknowledged how the feelings we've experienced have shocked us. In the back of my mind, before I ever met him, I thought fleetingly about if/when I was going to meet someone and how daunting it would be. None of this is daunting! It's quite exhilarating.

@BackInAtLast red flags waving everywhere for me, I'm afraid.

BackIn what does he mean 'below the radar'? Sounds a bit like he's made money from something criminal .... I'd be wary. Mr BC has a very high paying career- is way wealthier than me 😂 - but he's very modest and not show-offy or flash. He's not on any social media but if you Google his name you find him 'professionally'. The money thing doesn't really affect our relationship at all.

backin I dated someone quite similar and discovered eventually that the ‘below the radar’ thing was because of tax-dodging and a drink/drive conviction. Wealthy people and dutiful, loving parents don’t shove your nose in it IME

@PinkMonkeyBird I can see why that put you on the back foot...I could tell MrM wanted to say it over FaceTime but he said I have something to say to you but want to tell you in person - so he waited til the next night and It was a proper breath taking moment as he whispered it in my ear then kissed me so didn't have chance to say it back straight away!

@BackInAtLast that has red flags waving all over the place for me. MrM has been quite honest about his finances - it's me that has held back so far as I'm going through some difficulties even though I have a good job.

Oh Lord...thank you everyone and I've now had another google! I've found him as CEO on the company website (he hadn't mentioned name of company but he did say location so I found it) and all is good there as he's talked about other names and his pic etc all there, and now found on LinkedIn as there was a link to it on that website...he hadn't used full name, which is why I hadn't found him.

Also did a company's house search. He hasn't any current directorships and they were all dissolved and look like ok (ie didn't get closed down with liabilities, is that right?). I thought CEO were directors? Obvs not?!

Yes the under radar is a big red flag though as SBEXH wouldn't even register to vote and it took me years to realise why!

I am however slightly reassured by my google but also with everyone saying these replies am really keeping eyes out. His LinkedIn bio was a complete brilliant classic however of what I like about him: entertaining, well written, not self granding up type of thing, but not taking himself too seriously which I also like. He has clearly had a successful path at least on there now I can see.

I think it doesn't help that my ex was self employed and completely dodgy, it has made me worry so much. I certainly would be very careful!

It's great to know what you think too, I'm glad it's not just my over thinking head!

BackIn glad you managed to do some research and all seems ok.

I think I have a date with Mr Beard tomorrow, I feel a bit weird about having a date 2 days after ending it with Mr Skinny, I need to pull myself together and get on with it, hopefully he will be lovely and make me realise why I walked away from Mr Skinny.

backin CEO doesn’t have to be a director depending on the company structure. Sounds to me like you are the right mix of sceptical and excited at this point!

I think there are different phases of love? First flush of love, it's called, right? Different to the love of a life spent together. Both equally valid, I feel.

There are, and there seems to be a biological basis for them. I recommend the work of Helen Fisher in this area. Her research is very revealing and her books are a fairly easy read.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_(anthropologist)

BTW, I am not dating, I just love this thread.

@MissConductUS Thanks for the link. I'll have a look at her books.

Going back to the L-word. I find it quite interesting that on this thread, there are a number of us experiencing quite early feelings of love etc, but on another thread there is someone being berated for falling in love inside 8 weeks (there's the added complication that she wants to upsticks and emigrate with her kids...I can understand the backlash against that).

It's such a minefield isn't it? Personally I think as long as you keep yourself in check and don't get carried away/make hasty decisions (like making your kids emigrate!), then why not feel the love?