Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online date turned up looking nothing like his pictures

373 replies

Crystal1981 · 26/10/2019 13:55

So I had been talking to a 28 year-old guy for a week. He sounded lovely (honestly hadn't spoken to anyone that nice before) and he looked very cute on his pictures.

We arranged to go for a drink and he told me he would be outside a café in a blue coat and black jeans.

I got there early so hovered around. I saw an older grey haired man waiting outside but couldn't see him. He then texted again saying he was under an umbrella and I realised that older man WAS him.

Now I know people can use pictures that are a couple of years old and pictures can be filtered, men can add an inch or two.
But honestly not sure this was the same person.

If that guy was 28, i'm the prime minister.
He had virtually a full head of grey hair. There is nothing wrong with grey, but using only photos where you have brown hair is misleading.

He looked like a different person to his photos and much, much older.
I thought there was no point even going for a drink and getting his hopes up. I text saying I had an emergency and got straight on the bus home.

I know that was really not good what I did but neither is misleading someone.
What would others have done ? Anyone else had this experience ?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 26/10/2019 19:31

It isn't the age or the grey hair - it's the deceit.

It might have been better to meet him, then leave after telling him that you're not interested in dating an older guy. At least it would be clear then. He may now pester you.

romancenovelist · 26/10/2019 19:45

Jaxhog - yes it's the deceit that is annoying especially if you have been looking forward to the date and have made an effort to look nice.

I obviously put flattering photos on my dating profile but they are recent and I am told I look like my pictures. I've heard all sorts of stories of men meeting women who look nothing like their photos as they were taken about 10 years ago. Seems pointless to me to do that.

fireworksandhotdogs · 26/10/2019 19:58

Can't believe the nerve of some people, I mean as if you're not going to notice. You definitely did the right thing, he's a bloody liar! 🤥

VanGoghsDog · 26/10/2019 20:32

Odd how the OP hung around outside for a while (outside a cafe, not usually a sprawling frontage), saw him (an older man) and yet he didn't see her, despite the fact he was probably looking for her arrival.

Maybe she also doesn't look much like her photo?

This stuff happens on internet dating, it's tedious but you need a thick skin, and just to learn to move on - it's really not that remarkable any more.

Uponreflection · 26/10/2019 21:32

I also wondered how he didn’t see op if you were both outside.

finn1020 · 26/10/2019 21:43

You did the right thing.

Women are too conditioned to be polite and compliant, I can’t believe some of the posters on here feeling sorry for the poor old guy. The poor old guy was a LIAR and was deliberately deceiving you to manipulate you into seeing him, it’s not up to you to rescue him and manage his poor hurt feelings. Wtf!

emilybrontescorsett · 26/10/2019 21:52

If he messaged you again, I would tell him you don't appreciate being lied to. Tell him he should use recent photos too. Then block him.

I knew a man who arranged to meet a woman he had been chatting to on-line .
When she turned up she was nothing like her profile. Fatter, shorter, darker, completely unrecognisable. He dumped her there and then.

cacklingmags · 26/10/2019 21:56

OP, forget all the bullshit, the bloke is a lying cunt - don't give him another moment's thought.

Rocaille · 26/10/2019 22:54

Hmm, someone I was seeing had something similar happen to him, and he reacted very much as you did. I took that as evidence that he was cruel and callous, but from your perspective it looks different. Your date deceived you. He showed no regard for your time or autonomy. I think you were right to reassert these.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/10/2019 10:26

If you change your mind for ANY reason then you have the absolute right to bail out. It's a first meeting, not the termination of a marriage, and in these circumstances any escalation of 'stalkerish' behaviour will only confirm how right you were to remove yourself from the situation.

Women in this position owe these strangers nothing. No explanation, no compensation for hurt feelings, no nice cup of coffee whilst trying to 'let him down gently'. Nada. It never fails to amaze me how strong the conditioning with us females really is. And men know it, and will instantly seize upon our desire to 'be nice' and exploit it accordingly. I'm no exception to this, having had to fight the 'nice and polite' maxim as my own inclination for years. Only recently, having experienced and had therapy for male abuse, have I seen this pattern for what it is and developed the ability to say 'no' brusquely and mean it.

Ensure this man can't contact you in any way, OP. He imposed himself on you, he's wilfully deceitful, and he's not who he says he is. These are three big red flags that scream RUN. To blazes with being 'polite!'

Secondsight · 27/10/2019 16:07

What about your feelings too? You may have really been looking forward to this date and you've wasted Yr time and energy. If you ordered something on line and it was completely different to what was advertised you'd send it right back!

cloudspotter · 27/10/2019 17:29

Yeah, I'm with most of the other posters - he lied and got what he deserved.

Personally I find it really creepy that he's used someone else's photo.

Pharlapwasthebest · 27/10/2019 17:36

Op, good for you, if he lied about that, what else was he lying about!

Tessabelle74 · 27/10/2019 17:40

So maybe he dyed his hair before and has decided to stop doing it, my Nan was completely grey at 19!
I think you should have stayed for the date, you come across as very shallow, especially after saying you were getting in well

riceuten · 27/10/2019 17:49

Well, notwithstanding that it's a bit shallow judging people solely on their looks, the fact someone who you were going to meet lied and misled you is not the sterling start to a platonic friendship, never mind a relationship. Why people do this, I don't know. I had a friend who was 21 stone, who was single and used all the normal dating sites, but would only post head shots (she looked 'normal' from the neck up). She would rock up to dates and either the man would take one look and run off, or would lay into her and have a go at her for being misleading. She eventually found true love and marital bliss through a website catering for gentlemen who liked larger ladies. I went to the wedding, and it was wonderful.

Lovemusic33 · 27/10/2019 17:50

OP, well done to you for making an excuse.

For those saying OP was mean, what about the fact he had lied about what he looks like? He used old photos and probably lied about his age. OP owed him noting.

I dated a guy once who said he was 38, lovely guy but I was I but sceptical about his age, we went in a few dates and then I didn’t hear from him for a while, saw his profile pop up on another dating site and it said he was 50 Shock. A lot of people do lie, a lot of people use old photos or photos that have been filtered. I also had another date where the guy looked twice the size of his profile photo and half the height, I carried on with the date (was only coffee) and messaged h8m when I got home saying I didn’t feel a connection 🤣, I’m not as brave as you OP.

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 17:55

I met with a woman who was at least 2 stone heavier than her pictures. At the end of the meeting I was honest and said she didn't look she had in the pictures and she was lovely but, I wouldn't like to meet again. I think that's fair enough.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2019 18:00

Fuck me there's a lot of people pleasers on this thread!

The OP was lied to by this man. He lied because he knew the truth wouldn't get him a date with the OP. He manipulated the situation to suit himself, because what he wanted (a much younger woman) is more important than what she wants (a man ballpark her age who isn't a scummy liar).

In what way is a lying selfish git the one you have sympathy for, huh?

backmadeofglass · 27/10/2019 18:00

My first online dating encounter turned up drunk and dressed as a Stormtrooper fro Star Wars (I kid you not!) 😂

hoxtonbabe · 27/10/2019 18:02

I had this happen to me , nice guy but nowt like his photos as they had clearly been taken some years earlier. I stayed but never met again after that. That was about 10 years ago. I have far less patience for this nonsense now so if that was to happen I will be doing exactly what the OP did.

It’s not about grey hair it’s the fact the person looks totally different to what they presented. If I met a man that looked the same as the photos even if a couple years old and the only issue was some sprouting grey then that wouldn’t be a problem but in OPs case, and many others in this situation the difference tends to be extreme.

If I showed up after showing a photo of me at age 25, the man would be well pissed as I look so different now, lol. All bloomin time wasting!

Boobsarenotloadbearing · 27/10/2019 18:03

I had this happen to me. I was in my 20s and his photos made him look the same. He had used a photo from at least 10 years before and I didn't recognise him. The age was not a concern but the deception and being lied to was. I did stay for the date but only because I knew he had come a long way so I gave him a chance but was so put off by it. Add to that he was really chatty and friendly online but in real life it was very awkward and I never saw him again. I didn't call him out on it but I wish I had and tbh if it happened now I probably would have - just to say, there is nothing wrong with how you look but the misleading photos put me off. (He wasn't bad looking so ironically if he used recent photos it would have been a better start).

deedeemccready1 · 27/10/2019 18:05

I had the same thing happen. The guy was older, had receding hair and was no more than 5' 4". The Icing on the cake was quite a few missing teeth and the ones that were left were like pegs. I managed about half an hour and then i left saying I had to finish my book-keeping. 😂

RubbingHimSourly · 27/10/2019 18:07

If he was nice it wouldn't have killed you to have a drink.

My bro had some shockers when he tried Internet dating, usually women who were much larger than they appeared to be. One had very visible, facial hair. ( I'm rather hirsute myself so no judgement from me)) he was kind, they had their date / meal or whatever and then he'd let them down afterwards.

DownstairsMixUp · 27/10/2019 18:07

Wow the misogny is coming from inside the house today 🤣

Op you owe this man nothing. Sick of women being made to feel we need to be pushovers to accomdate mens fragile egos. He cat fished you, he deserved it.

tryinghardnottocry · 27/10/2019 18:07

A friend of mine went on a date . The guy turned up in a very modest car and when he talked about what he did stated he worked for a company and did this and that and gave the impression he was the company accountant and was an employee - no designer clothes or watch . She thought he lacked any drive and ambition and knocked it on the head

A few weeks later saw him at a petrol station filing up a seriously expensive sports car . He turned out he owned the company he said he worked for. A friend of hers did a credit check on his company and found his company is worth millions and he owns the company outright

She tried to make another date and rang him. He was quite blunt and said he wanted to be judged for what he was rather than what he owned and declined the offer