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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online date turned up looking nothing like his pictures

373 replies

Crystal1981 · 26/10/2019 13:55

So I had been talking to a 28 year-old guy for a week. He sounded lovely (honestly hadn't spoken to anyone that nice before) and he looked very cute on his pictures.

We arranged to go for a drink and he told me he would be outside a café in a blue coat and black jeans.

I got there early so hovered around. I saw an older grey haired man waiting outside but couldn't see him. He then texted again saying he was under an umbrella and I realised that older man WAS him.

Now I know people can use pictures that are a couple of years old and pictures can be filtered, men can add an inch or two.
But honestly not sure this was the same person.

If that guy was 28, i'm the prime minister.
He had virtually a full head of grey hair. There is nothing wrong with grey, but using only photos where you have brown hair is misleading.

He looked like a different person to his photos and much, much older.
I thought there was no point even going for a drink and getting his hopes up. I text saying I had an emergency and got straight on the bus home.

I know that was really not good what I did but neither is misleading someone.
What would others have done ? Anyone else had this experience ?

OP posts:
TotalSlattern1 · 27/10/2019 18:09

Is this a good moment to mention the trans age movement?

STCM654 · 27/10/2019 18:10

I'm fat and wouldn't say I was slim! It's the same thing!

DragonontheWagon · 27/10/2019 18:10

If he was nice it wouldn't have killed you to have a drink

He wasn't nice though was he because he lied about his age.

Women owe men that tell lies absolutely nothing...

AnnaNimmity · 27/10/2019 18:11

Good for you OP. I sat through a few dates where they looked nothing like their photo - I wish I'd been strong enough to walk away. It was just painful.

Lying really isn't a good start to a relationship -- I did go out with a man who shaved several years off his age (and he really didn't look that young). That lie was the first of many. Honesty isn't too much to ask.

VenusTiger · 27/10/2019 18:15

I think that’s bloody awful, sorry OP 🙈
My DH looks dark grey in daylight but totally black hair at night.... may have been bad photo?
And who wouldn’t show their best photo on a dating website, I know I would. Poor chap probably thought you saw him and ran off Grin

Oscarsdaddy · 27/10/2019 18:17

Sounds like you were expecting Philip Schofield from his Gordon the Gopher days but instead he turned up from his Dancing On Ice days

IsItChristmas · 27/10/2019 18:23

If it's as you describe it's creepy and I'd do what you did just because I'd freak out and worry about my safety.

ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 18:27

@Crystal1981 are you going to message him? I mean, I don’t blame you if you don’t (and FWIW I would have done the same as you and don’t think it was mean at all) but I’d be interested to hear his excuse!

Kidlacky · 27/10/2019 18:28

Do you look like yours? Be Honest !! Learn how to use dust and scratches in photoshop , you,ll look great all the time but you wont be able to meet anyone in real life.

FelicisNox · 27/10/2019 18:30

YANBU.

If he's lying now about something so easily disproved what else does he lie about?

He's a liar and he's thick; neither are traits I find attractive in a person.

Your feelings ARE more important than his. You don't even know him.

Kidlacky · 27/10/2019 18:31

He must be a bit of. pratt, if he doesnt like grey hair, why dont he just dye it. It not like a missing leg is it? Sort it out mate ! Dye!

YouJustDoYou · 27/10/2019 18:31

If he was nice it wouldn't have killed you to have a drink

We don't owe men anything.

Kidlacky · 27/10/2019 18:32

Was his willy smaller as well? than the pictures? That is out of order!!!!

AnnaNimmity · 27/10/2019 18:33

It's not the photo, it's the deceit. If a person can't be honest upfront, that doesn't bode well.

But yes, my photo are all recent, untouched and unphotoshopped. They are me. (a good version of me, but me). Many men use photos of themselves that are years old. My ex used a photo of himself at the London olympics. I met him in 2016.

Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 18:42

You did the right thing , people know when a photo isn’t a good likeness of themselves and it’s deceitful to use one that isn’t.

I’d be pissed off at the insult to my intelligence!

Crazycatperson · 27/10/2019 18:53

I was on dating sites for years, and can honestly say, out of all the men I met, I was pleased with two of them. As time went on, I'd meet them for a quick coffee, without getting dressed up, as there's nothing more disheartening than taking all your lovely makeup off, and putting your pjs on after a shit date.

SunshineCake · 27/10/2019 18:54

How did your date go, @stucknoue?

PinkCrayon · 27/10/2019 18:55

Face time a date before you meet them that way you can see they are who they say they are.

managedmis · 27/10/2019 18:56

There's a big difference between 28 and 58, let's face it. Grey hair aside.

managedmis · 27/10/2019 18:57

If he was nice it wouldn't have killed you to have a drink

We don't owe men anything.

^

This.

Subidoo · 27/10/2019 19:04

I had this happen to me, I learnt to look closely at the pictures if the quality of the picture is poor or there is dodgy 80's wallpaper it's a giveaway ☺️
My husband looked like an axe murderer on his pics, thankfully looked 100 times better in real life 😊

Dramaofallama · 27/10/2019 19:04

You did the right thing op. He was dishonest and knows he was.
You don't owe anyone anything.

QueSera · 27/10/2019 19:05

I totally agree - it is ridiculous and unfair for someone to use photos that don't look like they look now. Nothing wrong with grey hair, but if he's using photos with brown hair, that's misleading.

I had the same experience on my first online date back in 1995 - guy didn't look remotely like his photo (and not in a good way). Plus ca change in 2019.

AthollPlace · 27/10/2019 19:07

I did OLD before I met DH and I always found it deceptive when people used photos that didn’t reflect their looks. I resented having my time wasted and I felt conned. If you were meeting for friendship it wouldn’t matter but with dating there’s an element of attraction.

One guy who presumably knew his terrible teeth were a deal breaker only sent closed mouth photos, when we met and he opened his mouth to speak my stomach just sank. I resented having my choice taken away, he should have been honest and let me decide whether or not I was interested. I did go out with another guy who confessed while texting that his artsy photos with odd angles of his face were because he’d gained several stone. He sent me an actual photo of himself and I was fine with it. I respected the fact that he’d let me make up my own mind.

Nearly47 · 27/10/2019 19:14

You did the right thing. In this kind of situation you need to go with instincts. He lied about his age to try get a younger woman. You don't own him anything.

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