WWYD Inlaws will only take one child

[WhenAndWhere]

I am after a little advice here. So I got 3 kids, 7 year old DD, 4 year old DS and a baby. DH is working away a lot so I am on my own with kids and find it difficult to keep them all entertained when I am by myself. In the past while my inlaws have been offering to take my oldest out for a day every now and then to help me out. She loves spending time with them so I let her. Whilst I appreciate them making an effort I feel sad for my DS who gets upset because he is always left behind. Initially I thought it was one off occasion so didn't say anything. DS is noticing that his sister gets to spend time with grandparents and he has to stay with me and the baby. Last time it happened I decided to stop that, I am not bothered about baby not getting out because baby is only little and won't enjoy it anyway.
So today I got a message from my MIL asking if my DD would like to go out with them this weekend. I asked if they would also take my DS because he feels left out and gets upset. Got a message back saying this is a Halloween thing and they think my DS could get scared. Now I don't know what to do. Thing is my DS is very sensitive and he could potentially get scared. But then he will see his sister going away again and will start crying because nobody is taking him along. I also don't want to stop my DD from having a great time.

'Ok no worries, I understand! I'm afraid we're going to have to give this one a miss then so they can do something together - DS is beginning to get so upset at being left out! Let's make a date another time.'

I think you need to make it clear to them that your DS is feeling left out. Favouritism is horrible for children and you need to nip it in the bud now.

I appreciate that they help with your DD (and probably can’t manage the baby at the moment), but you need to put your foot down and say that they both children go or neither of them go.

What a shame they're being like that, even when you said your son is starting to feel left out.

Agree with @FizzyGreenWater - now might be the time to make a stand and say they either take both, or none at all.

Is your DH able to back you up on this?

What @FizzyGreenWater said.

Go with fizzy greens - response - its not fair on your DS ......so either both or none....or they alternate but must take DS first! if they took her at his age?
Maybe you can think of things they could do with both - cinema/soft play - park/walks in woods....or things they have done just with her that they could do with him/both

Would they take DS on his own if they can only manage 1 at a time (Will see if that's their excuse or they prefer DD)

When you say sensitive what do you mean? I have one nephew who is an absolute drama queen at 4 and nobody in the family will dare to take him out without the parents as he has been known to cry constantly after tripping (but not falling) or not getting what he wants when he wants. Only you know what he’s really like but if there are issues with his behaviour I would work on them before cutting off your DD’s visits.

I have no advice, but I have similar problems with some of my in laws and my two children - a girl of 8 and a boy of 4 (who is most likely autistic). I know MIL favours DD because DS has been speech delayed and DD, in comparison, is much more extroverted and enthusiastic when she sees them.

Then there’s SIL and nephew who arrive with a present for DD and nothing for DS (just pound shop tat!) because nephew really wanted to buy it for DD and barely acknowledges that DS exists when we get together.

So I’m interested to see how you address this. I don’t think DS is left out maliciously... he’s just forgotten.

They probably have no idea that your DS feels left out and think they are doing you a favour. In some ways I can see their POV because the older child will be easier to take on trips out and they probably feel they can really engage with her.

I would speak to them and say that DS is starting to notice what is going on and could they maybe find some things that they can do with just him for a change? I am sure he would enjoy even short trips with them if they feel that whole day with him might be a bit much to start with. Maybe they could plan a nice Santa trip with him for December?

Personally I don’t see anything wrong with the grandparents only wanting to take one child out. Maybe they can only manage one. Maybe the 4yr old is too hard for them as he’s so much younger. Maybe when he gets older they’ll start taking him out alone. I think asking them to take both kids together is a bit cheeky. If you’re ds is upset about it either tell him he’s too young & he’ll go when he’s older or tell the grandparents that’s he’s upset so you’ll leave it for now for the eldest child.

It’d be a no from me.

I think it’s fine to only take one at a time (my mum only ever takes my older one, toddler too little), but at a point it needs to become a bit more fair. Perhaps say it would be nice if they could spend time with your ds and suggest something you think might be manageable for them?

I try and have my grandchildren one at a time, just purely because you can give them your full attention and it's not so knackering. But having said that, I make sure that they all get their own turn.... we joke about having a nanny rota.

If they aren't doing that, then shame on them. And yes I'd put a stop to it.

They need to pick something all the children can do then, it's not fair for the others to be left out. Plus it's not giving you a break if they don't take them all.
I remember vividly my dad's parents favouring the other grandchildren over my brother and me, it's absolutely shit.

Your DS will never be old enough

These grandparents are playing favouritism and you are enabling them to do so

There’s 2 of them and he’s 4, not a toddler- he’ll be at school soon enough! I think now is definitely the time to decline the invite for only 1 DC. They could plan a different activity to take them both to, or they could arrange to take DS to something he’d enjoy on his own with them. But they can’t keep singling out 1 DC.

We had favouritism by my husbands grandma too. She openly said to my eldest (in front of my other child), "you're my favourite". So we get tears when we get home because the youngest believes that she doesnt like her. I had to tell my husband to tell her " no, that's not nice" every single time she said it. She ignored the warning and carried on saying it. My children no longer wanted to visit her (because the youngest believed she was unliked and the eldest was supporting the youngest. They are very close sisters). When my husbands grandma realised they stopped visiting because of this, she promised not to say it again. Now they visit and I've never heard her say it again. Dont know what it is with people favouring one child over the other, but it pisses me right off. Way to make small children feel bad for not being the favourite.

Id be tempted to say "oh in that case DD can go this time and next trip can be for ds. He's desperate for a trip out with Nanny and Grandad" or something like that.
So that you have paved the way to refuse next time if ds not invited rather than it coming out of the blue.
If they have a problem with taking ds they can tell you now.

DS can be nervous and can get scared easily but it is getting better as he is getting older. DD was similar when she was younger. Inlaws could definitely manage both as they have done it in the past but lately for some reason DD is getting special treatment. Last time they were taking DD on the train (kids don't go on train often so it's like a treat), came to pick her up, DS overheard it and was desperate to go too, put his shoes on and run to the door just to see the car leaving our drive. It was heartbreaking to watch him cry and I couldn't explain why he couldn't go as well.

Oh goodness, that is totally out of order.

If they can't handle two at once, then they must alternate. Or they can do things that suit both of them. It's totally unfair on your DS to be left behind at that age.

No, not given what you've just posted, don't let them.

Perhaps they feel that can only manage one child at a time, and the seven year old is more biddable than the four year old.
I wouldn't stop the seven year old going to a fun outing she will enjoy.

Maybe you could do something special and fun with the four year old at that time?

Im usually a big fan of kids doing stuff without their siblings. So i would definitely try to make it work for your DD.
But it has to be balanced. Would your inlaws be willing to take your DS somewhere on his own another day? I wouldnt take the special 1on1 time with her grandparents away from your DD, but of course DS should get the same treatment. If they arent willing to take DS out by himself, then its either all go or nobody. It just seems unfair to 'punish' DD because the grandparents prefer to take her.
Maybe try to make a date for them to take DS out, so that they learn they each get to go on their own and sometimes they go together?

I do understand that it’s easier to take a 7yo out compared with a 4yo. I also understand that one child is easier than two.

I think, OP, I’d they cannot be persuaded to take their grandson out on his own (even if it’s a short trip for a cake in a cafe) then you’ll have to take him out for a treat every time they take DD out for a treat. DD will object, however...

DS overheard it and was desperate to go too, put his shoes on and run to the door just to see the car leaving our drive
That's so sad! No GPs need to plan activities that work for both LOs or they need to fairly take turns. This is so mean! If I were you I'd tell DGM or DGP on the phone about the train incident, if you haven't already.
Also can you organise a super fun day/early evening out for DS so he feels like days with you are extra special, to make up for mean DGPs? Our local Ikea are doing something for younger ones on Halloween and their events tend to be baby-compatible for mamas with a pushchair or sling.