WWYD Inlaws will only take one child

[WhenAndWhere]

I am after a little advice here. So I got 3 kids, 7 year old DD, 4 year old DS and a baby. DH is working away a lot so I am on my own with kids and find it difficult to keep them all entertained when I am by myself. In the past while my inlaws have been offering to take my oldest out for a day every now and then to help me out. She loves spending time with them so I let her. Whilst I appreciate them making an effort I feel sad for my DS who gets upset because he is always left behind. Initially I thought it was one off occasion so didn't say anything. DS is noticing that his sister gets to spend time with grandparents and he has to stay with me and the baby. Last time it happened I decided to stop that, I am not bothered about baby not getting out because baby is only little and won't enjoy it anyway.
So today I got a message from my MIL asking if my DD would like to go out with them this weekend. I asked if they would also take my DS because he feels left out and gets upset. Got a message back saying this is a Halloween thing and they think my DS could get scared. Now I don't know what to do. Thing is my DS is very sensitive and he could potentially get scared. But then he will see his sister going away again and will start crying because nobody is taking him along. I also don't want to stop my DD from having a great time.

PILS used to do this with my two. They would take DS and not DD, they even started to bring little presents for DS and not DD. They were embarrassed when I spoke to them about it but it was such blatent favouritism I couldn't let it continue.

OP, I would say something along the lines of Fizzy's response without the exclamation marks. Just make it short, polite and to the point.

He’s four. Halloween isn’t suitable for him. Tell him he can go when he’s older and don’t kick the gift horse. Let them take your daughter and be grateful but ask if they could take your son to the park for an hour soon.
Don’t go down the both or none or you’ll lose all support.
One to one time I saw lovely. You could make cupcakes with your son to give them when they return.

I would reply "no problem, I'll let DS know it'll be his turn next time"

Nothing wrong with taking them out individually, but has to be fair

Ask if they can make a plan to take ds out next as he's feeling left out.
It'd be a shame for dd to miss out and if they can tell ds what he's doing next time he might feel better about it.

I second replying back something like @Fizzywater has said. If they aren’t playing favourites they’ll offer to take both of them to a different activity. If not, well then you have your answer.

My in laws only take one at a time, but they rotate it. If yours can't do that they shall have to stop taking any. My gran adored my sister and it caused a lot of upset for us other siblings. It's not nice

“Fair enough, MIL, but next time please can it be DS’ turn for some time with Granny. He’s starting to feel left out and would love to have time with you, too.»

And this time, do something special with DS whilst DD is at the scary thing.

So definitely favouritism.

Nip it, now. Fine, you don't expect them to provide big trips or look after them all for extended periods but what one gets, the others do, within reason.

Make a few excuses then if it continues you'll need a chat.

No way would I let them do this. Fine to take 1 at a time if it's on a rota but this isn't and it isn't at all fair.

I think Fizzy’s response is perfect. Polite, not accusatory, yet clearly indicates expectations for the future.
I think it is fine for family to occasionally do something with one child alone, in fact it can be fantastic for the child, but it should apply equally to all children.
Maybe DS’s maturity has crept up on them and they still think of him as an oblivious tot.

Hmm, im not sure here. I would have LOVED for someone to take me on an outing by myself when i was your DDs age. My parents were obsessed with everything being totally fair - i once wasnt allowed to go to the circus because the friend of mum's who invited me only had one spare ticker, and my 4 year old sister couldnt be "left out". Still rankles - and that was in 1979!!

Id just remind ILs that DS loves outings as well.

I'd let them take DD and just suggest they do something with DS next time.
Is he challenging for them? What do you mean by sensitive?

I think it sounds unbalanced. So not like one particular outing that is unsuitable - but a pattern of only taking the older one

The train story is really sad.

I think you need to politely say it isn't fair on the younger one anymore and could they either give it a try with both or find activities suitable for both.

Re..Halloween. I have an easily scared five year old and a children's Halloween outing would not be scary for a four or five year old. They need to give it a try with both or neither go.

"You have been taking DD out a lot recently which is kind of you and lovely for her, but poor DS was so upset last time. He doesn't understand why she gets to have outings with her grandparents and he doesn't. Can i suggest that you either take them both together or alternate taking them individually. DD has had lots of outings with you lately so it's definitely DS's turn next. Thank you"

You can’t expect them to take two children. One child is a lot easier to manage. I think it would be nice for them to take the children out separately.

My parents only took one of my DDs out at a time. The oldest was easy to travel with and friendly and appreciative. The youngest was a drama queen, whiny and demanding. They were more than willing to stay with both in my home, or to take both out if I went along, but it took awhile before my youngest DD understood that she had to change her behavior to be asked to go places with Nana and Papa. Once that happened, she became Papa's favorite and they had a strong bond the rest of his life.

Why can't they alternate?

I hate these threads where taking an older DC away is seen as wonderful as the other one wouldn’t like it or maybe they would be scared etc etc . It’s bull , they want to have the DD and have already decided the dGS will be too anxious. How awful dragging an older sibling away when it should be fun time for them together. My younger ones may have found Halloween daunting but they saw there older siblings embrace it and enjoy it and joined in. My DD is now 4 and has been doing trick or treating since he was one and was anxious initially but no way would I have let grandparents step in and destroy that time.

Thanks all. Unfortunately I can't see them taking turns with kids and taking my DS by himself. My DH has noticed this too and has made few comments to them along the lines of 'you could also take DS out some time' but nothing has changed.
There was an occasion when I was over at theirs with the baby, oldest 2 were in school and nursery, MIL said they were planning to make cupcakes with DD on Sunday. She asks me if I could just come over whenever me and kids wake up. Great I thought, we are all going. Later when I got home she sends me a message asking if it's ok to come and pick up my DD at 11am. So that means it's just DD going now. I was a bit but it's their house, their rules, ok then. So Sunday comes, FIL turns up, kids are happy to see him. DD puts her shoes on and runs to the car, DS does the same only to be stopped by FIL who says BYE SEE YOU LATER! And closes the door right in front of DS. And leaves.

FizzyGreenWater's message is perfect. Makes it totally clear without being rude or difficult.

If you don't nip it in the bud now it will just continue. And I say this as my GP's 'golden child'. As a 5 year old it was lovely. I got taken to places, bought presents, indulged. My younger brother was totally ignored by them. Totally. As if he was invisible. So cruel. My DM has never forgiven her parents although they are both long dead.

OK. So you absolutely have to put your foot down now and get it properly in the open. No hints, hoping, wishing etc. Just have a proper discussion that’s it’s unfair, and how can you all fix that.

They sound really mean. Just say no.

Do not further tolerate such favouritism from your husbands parents. They are leaving him out deliberately and such will go onto further affect his relationship with his more favours sister if it is allowed to continue.

Fizzy’s response is a good one. But be prepared for them to rail against this.

How truly awful. I feel for your DS and can’t believe your allowing this to contiue. It’s cruel. I should add that my DH grandparents did this and his younger sibling despised them. Truly despised them and my DH couldn’t understand it as he had been the golden boy. Protect your DC