Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

WWYD Inlaws will only take one child

130 replies

WhenAndWhere · 24/10/2019 16:44

I am after a little advice here. So I got 3 kids, 7 year old DD, 4 year old DS and a baby. DH is working away a lot so I am on my own with kids and find it difficult to keep them all entertained when I am by myself. In the past while my inlaws have been offering to take my oldest out for a day every now and then to help me out. She loves spending time with them so I let her. Whilst I appreciate them making an effort I feel sad for my DS who gets upset because he is always left behind. Initially I thought it was one off occasion so didn't say anything. DS is noticing that his sister gets to spend time with grandparents and he has to stay with me and the baby. Last time it happened I decided to stop that, I am not bothered about baby not getting out because baby is only little and won't enjoy it anyway.
So today I got a message from my MIL asking if my DD would like to go out with them this weekend. I asked if they would also take my DS because he feels left out and gets upset. Got a message back saying this is a Halloween thing and they think my DS could get scared. Now I don't know what to do. Thing is my DS is very sensitive and he could potentially get scared. But then he will see his sister going away again and will start crying because nobody is taking him along. I also don't want to stop my DD from having a great time.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 24/10/2019 22:41

They found dd fine when she was 4. And the op says dd is quite similar in key ways. Posters should stop finding excuses for them and picture an excited boy grabbing his shoes and running for the door to go on a train ride to have his grandpa stop him, not you mate. And crying as they leave. No more contact with just dd.

Halo1234 · 24/10/2019 22:51

They are being mean. If they can only manage one child at a time fair enough but is ds turn. So I would not let dd go and hurt his feelings again. Awful that gp think it's ok to take the same child out time after time whilst younger one is upset. Definitely put your foot down op. It's not kind or fair and he is getting to an age he will start to remember. Both of them or turn about ot neither of them (it would be their loss. Your ds in particular doesn't need gp who treat him that way).

Talkingmouse · 25/10/2019 00:00

It clearly should be stopped. They are being selfish and unfair.

Ideally you should address directly.

But if you don’t feel able then why not be breezy and innocent in your reply: ‘it is ok, no need to take them to Halloween thing; dd and ds would both love it if you took them to the park (or whatever).

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2019 01:06

You and your DH need to agree that his parents will either take both (or alternate) or none at all. But beware, they'll probably agree to alternate then keep making excuses as to why they 'can't' take DS when it's his turn. You'll have to stick to your guns and say until they've taken DS for his turn, no DD.

smegsmeg · 25/10/2019 07:47

'put on his shoes and ran to the door just to see the car leaving'

This broke my heart .

I would explain everything and just be honest that you either take them as a pair or not at all. Favouritism can be damaging long term so its best to put an end to it ASAP.

yellowallpaper · 25/10/2019 11:17

For an older couple it's quite difficult to take out a small child like DS and 4 yos can be unpredictable which they may not be comfortable with. Maybe they are just concerned about this and take the easier option?

I'd say ds was getting upset and feeling left out and suggest they just take him to soft play or something easy on his own to see how they cope with him. Maybe when he's a year or so older they will feel more confident taking him out?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 11:42

Can I make a point of saying that these are your DH's parents?

Why is he not being seen as the person who needs to have the conversation?!

You can decline. Then you tell him that he needs to tackle this.

Drabarni · 25/10/2019 11:55

You and dh have let this go on for far too long and are allowing their poor behaviour
I'd say no to the weekend and you and dh do something with all the kids.

Original poster

WhenAndWhere · 25/10/2019 12:34

DH is not here as he is working away for long periods of time.
They are not some old fragile people who can barely move. They are fit and active, like to go out and travel. They have looked after both kids together in the past. This taking DD out for a day thing is fairly new.
I did send a message last night, they have read it but didn't reply anything.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2019 12:52

If they've read and replied, they're probably narked, but never mind.

Perhaps follow up with:

Just been thinking, I could come along too to Halloween thing with DS, then if he finds it too much we can head home. Just don't want him to feel left out, he was so upset last time! Let me know if that's a possibility.

I know you shouldn't have to, but I think softly does it is better than all-guns blazing. If you are reasonable about it then they can't get cross.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 12:57

DH is not here as he is working away for long periods of time.

That doesn't mean he gets to opt out of any and every family-related situation.

In fact, as you are the one completely responsible for the day-to-day, here's a brilliant example of something he CAN actually step in with and 'take off your plate'. He has a phone, yes? He has the odd half-hour in his terriblybusyandimportantMANlife where he can send an email to his parents, or even phone them?

They are HIS parents. This is HIS responsibility.

Your reply - just so automatically assuming that all this emotional heavy lifting is your problem - is totally wrong.

'DH, when you have a moment this evening you need to contact your parents and start tackling this. It's a conversation which it's far more appropriate for you to have, and the message needs to be from both of us - I certainly don't want to end up with a situation where they get to tell themselves that it's me with the problem. So can you start the ball rolling please. For my part, I'm simply going to repeat in every text that no, DD will not be available for them to take out alone, and make an excuse every time. Thanks'.

alwayscauseastir · 25/10/2019 12:59

What did you say to them OP? Perhaps they're taking time to digest, or thinking about the consequences of their actions? Like I put, my grandparents absolutely knew what they were doing and I had to be ok with it because my youngest was an absolute nightmare. But perhaps they didn't realise how much they were hurting you and your son?

BeesKnees4 · 25/10/2019 13:05

They are being hurtful but is your DS maybe hard to deal with? Mores than you’d like to admit? I’d prefer a 7 yr old to a 4 yr old, what you think is ok behaviour they might not.

AnotherEmma · 25/10/2019 13:14

What Fizzy said with bells on!

Loopytiles · 25/10/2019 15:15

Yes, DH being physically absent doesn’t remove his parenting responsibilities!

FrenchBoule · 25/10/2019 15:50

Feel sorry for your DS, the incident with FIL stopping him and shutting the door.
What the heck goes in minds of these people?
OP, please put a stop to it, your PIL’s treat your DS appalingly.

SantaIsReal · 25/10/2019 15:54

Reading your post & updates honestly breaks my heart! This little boy is getting so excited each time only to have the door shut in his face! I understand that it helps you out to an extent as you have a baby but I would be putting my foot down! There is clear favouritism here. I could let the Halloween incident go if it wasn't for the rest of it. I would tell them its not happening anymore and I wouldn't be so nicey nice about it. It is clearly hurting your DS.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2019 16:59

What Fizzy wrote here.

I doubt if you will receive a response from them to your message. Do not forget either that you cannot readily reason with people who are at heart unreasonable. Your DH and you need to present a united front to his parents; this message should come equally from both of you.

Original poster

WhenAndWhere · 25/10/2019 17:08

I don't think my DS' age has anything to do with it. They have another grandchild who is 2 and they are spending a lot of time and looking after them.
Just spoke to my SIL (we get on very well), I asked what is this Halloween thing that is so scary. Turns out inlaws have put some great effort into decorating their house and wanted to show it off to their grandkids. She asked me if I am bringing my kids over as she and her little one will be there too and she has some sweeties for my kids. I said only my DD was invited so I declined to which she was very surprised and said it must be a misunderstanding. I sent her a screenshot with my conversation with MIL. SIL told me not to worry about it too much, she is confident grandparents will get the hint from now on and she would have done same thing if those were her kids.
Also explained this whole thing to my DH. We will be having a proper conversation later tonight.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 25/10/2019 17:09

DH is not here as he is working away for long periods of time.

Then he needs to step in and step up since the pair of you decided to have 3 kids. Never in my life understood how people stand for someone who completely opts out of family life and then struggle they have so many kids and can't deal with it all. He needs to address his parents himself and then get another job where he isn't away for long periods of time since you're struggling to keep them all entertained on your own, they are both your kids.

Fizzy is spot on here.

Personally I don't think it's wrong they don't want to take on two at once, but an alternative would be one at a time, then again, they don't owe you anything.

SO many people on MN have these big families with men who use work as a Get Out of Life pass it's unfucking real.

BeesKnees4 · 25/10/2019 17:13

In light of your update, could it be his behaviour? I asked previously, do they struggle to manage him? Especially if he’s the only DGC excluded.

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2019 17:18

How odd! Glad your SIL is on side, hopefully it will not keep happening now.

Original poster

WhenAndWhere · 25/10/2019 17:21

I am biased because DS is my kid but I really don't think there is anything wrong with his behaviour. He is a typical 4 year old, likes same stuff that other kids his age like. He can get excited if he doesn't like something but I think most of kids are like that. He loves doing things together with his sister and copies her a lot. He is also very affectionate boy, likes cuddles and reminds everyone he loves them all the time.

OP posts:

brassbrass · 25/10/2019 17:27

I'm sorry but even if it was his behaviour they could invite OP and all 3 children so OP can manage anything they are struggling with with the DC.

It's really insidious to do this and what kind of a message does it send to your DD? It's really divisive and I would be teaching my kids that they are a unit and no one should be excluded. Alternative visits would be fine if they were taking each child in turn but they're not.

Equally I find it unpleasant that the other SIL and baby were invited but you were not. Sounds like they have a problem with you.

BeesKnees4 · 25/10/2019 17:42

He can get excited if he doesn't like something
That’s an odd thing to say🤔 maybe you’re excited is their not wanting to deal with it. We are all biased about our own kids, but I think it’s good to be able to look at them through someone else’s eyes. It seems very odd they only leave the one child out.
I’d confront them if I was you, even if it makes them uncomfortable.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread