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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD Inlaws will only take one child

130 replies

WhenAndWhere · 24/10/2019 16:44

I am after a little advice here. So I got 3 kids, 7 year old DD, 4 year old DS and a baby. DH is working away a lot so I am on my own with kids and find it difficult to keep them all entertained when I am by myself. In the past while my inlaws have been offering to take my oldest out for a day every now and then to help me out. She loves spending time with them so I let her. Whilst I appreciate them making an effort I feel sad for my DS who gets upset because he is always left behind. Initially I thought it was one off occasion so didn't say anything. DS is noticing that his sister gets to spend time with grandparents and he has to stay with me and the baby. Last time it happened I decided to stop that, I am not bothered about baby not getting out because baby is only little and won't enjoy it anyway.
So today I got a message from my MIL asking if my DD would like to go out with them this weekend. I asked if they would also take my DS because he feels left out and gets upset. Got a message back saying this is a Halloween thing and they think my DS could get scared. Now I don't know what to do. Thing is my DS is very sensitive and he could potentially get scared. But then he will see his sister going away again and will start crying because nobody is taking him along. I also don't want to stop my DD from having a great time.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 25/10/2019 17:44

So there decorating there house and have invited SIL and her DC but only your DD. They really are awful.... why are you all not invited given it appears to be a kid and family friendly affair?

AnotherEmma · 25/10/2019 17:56

In light of your update, there is definitely something deeply unfair going on, and I hope your DH talks to his parents about it.

Inviting SIL and her children while excluding your DS (but not DD) is bizarre and cruel, especially as your DH is working away and you could do with the family support.

Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 17:58

Is it possible they think ds is not their son's child? Can't understand this otherwise.

Pandainmyporridge · 25/10/2019 17:59

Or, does he look like this?

WWYD Inlaws will only take one child
Embracelife · 25/10/2019 18:04

Sounds odd but your ds wont get to do everything dd does. He does have to learn that. Ask them to take ds next time on his own.take turns.

Original poster
WhenAndWhere · 25/10/2019 18:09

My SIL is their daughter. She wasn't invited as such. She goes to their house without invitations. I don't invite myself to people's houses, if my inlaws asked me to bring kids over I would happily do it but instead they asked if my DD would like to come over. DS doesn't have behavioural problems. I've never refused them to spend time with kids and I've always gladly joined them when they asked me. Just recently they started inviting DD alone to do stuff with them, my DS is left out and upset.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 25/10/2019 18:11

If they won't alternate, then I would stop the visits completely. Its absolutely unfair on DS.

Original poster
WhenAndWhere · 25/10/2019 18:14

@Pandainmyporridge
No, he looks nothing like that Grin
There is absolutely no reason for them to think he is not my DH's son. They have even made comments about how he is DH's double.

OP posts:
tigger001 · 25/10/2019 18:15

I would do exactly as you have and sent them the message explaining that your son is getting upset and you don't want it to cause issues between them.

Surely if it was a behavioural thing with your son they would tell you, so I would personally rule it out.

I would pull the FIL up, if he ever did that to my child again. Just sounds so cold.

It's fine that your son won't always do the same as your daughter, but not for their grandparents to exclude him on many occasions and him never do anything with them.

I wouldn't feel the need for my DH to do it over the phone, seems a bit petty when you are seeing them.

BeesKnees4 · 25/10/2019 18:22

@Pandainmyporridge
🤣😈🤣

Fookadook · 25/10/2019 19:11

This is horrible, your poor DS! I can’t imagine how upset my little one would be if this happened to him, it makes my heart break.

Stop the visits completely, if they won’t take him out on his own then neither of them go. Don’t let them make favourites by giving them the opportunity. And yes your DH needs to be on board and speak to them, this can’t all come from you.

Original poster
WhenAndWhere · 26/10/2019 00:15

Thanks for the input everyone. I've got an update and I think (I hope) we managed to get to the bottom of all this. Just bear with me.
So I get another message from my MIL (I got a feeling my SIL has something to do with this) saying she had planned a Halloween themed tea for everyone and if we could all come over. She is asking if my DS is scared of decorations and lights, if he is she could turn them off, that's not a problem, she wants him to come over.
Then I had a conversation with my DH about all of this, forwarded all the messages for him to see and what he thinks of all this. After all those were 2 completely different invitations.
A little bit of a background here. About a year ago my DS started to have absence seizures. He was put on medication and amazingly haven't had any seizures ever since. DH thinks his parents are terrified of the word 'epilepsy' and they probably think DS will have a full blown epileptic fit when he is with them and that is the reason they would only invite DD. It also fits within the timeline when inlaws started to take only DD out. It has never occurred to me or DH that this would be a problem because DS has been absolutely fine since on being on meds.
So I send a message back to MIL saying DS is fine with all of this. Also reassured her that he won't have a seizure because of the lights if that's what she is worried about. She replied she did worry about it. She is looking forward seeing them all at the weekend.
So I really hope there are no other reasons than that of why my son has been left out all this time. It's not his fault, and the fact that this potentially is the reason for him being left behind is making me even more sad as he has done nothing wrong. I also really hope they will feel confident enough to take him along with DD in the future if they ask again. I think I will let this one go but if any of this stuff happens again DH will be the one having a conversation.

OP posts:
HappyAtWork · 26/10/2019 00:21

I think talking to them about alternating the older 2 for days out. I can understand how taking 2 dc out changes the dynamic, even if they are generally well behaved. One on one time is special for grandparents. But they need to start including dc.

BackforGood · 26/10/2019 00:24

Your update seems to make a lot of sense.

RosesAndLilies · 26/10/2019 01:55

That update does make sense. Hopefully this will solve everything now you have gotten to the bottom of it!

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2019 05:47

That’s a good resolution, and it dies make sense. They should have been upfront with those concerns, though. Hopefully will be fixed for the future.

cantfindname · 26/10/2019 06:13

@GreenTulips : *Your DS will never be old enough

These grandparents are playing favouritism and you are enabling them to do so*

This. Totally and completely. My Mother played this 'game' and completely alienated my daughter from the rest of her family. I was a struggling single parent and too stupid to see what was happening. 40 years later the damage is not repaired. She even used to pretend she was her daughter and not her granddaughter.

ImaginaryCat · 26/10/2019 07:16

That's quite the drip feed OP. We were all getting ready with the pitchforks for the mean GPs favouring one child. But actually a history of epileptic seizures is a justifiable reason for them being fearful of having your DS in their care. Far from meaning they love him less than his sister, it's actually because they love him that they don't trust themselves to keep him safe.
Yes they should have been honest with you and yes better communication will lead to a resolution for this. But you also have a valuable lesson to learn from this. If your DS has such a significant health issue, you can't get angry at people for having completely justified anxiety about his safety.

AnotherEmma · 26/10/2019 08:04

Ha yes big drip feed! I suppose it hadn't occurred to you that the seizures were the reason but I'm glad you've worked it out now.

NamechangeWhatFor · 26/10/2019 08:29

@Beautiful3 well done for raising your girls to support each other at such a young age. That's really sweet.

GreenTulips · 26/10/2019 10:06

But actually a history of epileptic seizures is a justifiable reason for them being fearful of having your DS in their care

Utter tosh and so much for inclusion. They can learn to deal it’s seizures same as the parents, but if his medication works there’s no real issue. They are his grandparents.

Eastie77 · 26/10/2019 10:20

It's not utter tosh at all GreenTulips. The GP's concerns are perfectly** understandable. If the OP was "AIBU to tell my in-laws they shouldn't take DS out since they say they wouldn't be able to cope if he had an epileptic seizure" it would of course be met with a chorus of YANBU.

Would it be preferable for them to just pretend they are fine with it all and take OP's DS out whilst fully aware they can't handle a medical emergency?

"Inclusion" doesn't involve putting common sense aside and potentially placing a child in harms way.

GreenTulips · 26/10/2019 10:33

Well they do what anyone else would do and get some advise and training: or call the parents - or if real need an ambulance.

You don’t exclude the boy.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/10/2019 12:21

Quite the drip feed, BUT - the fact remains you've got two quite unpleasant GPs there. 'Let's hurry out of the door and quickly slam it in his face so the one with possible epilepsy doesn't get in the car!'

They've not raised it with you, if this IS the reason then all it shows is that if the going gets tough, the love will get conditional.

Don't let them too far in to your kids' lives.

And get into the habit of EXPECTING your highly important Working Husband to actually do some parenting. The fact he's never there and essentially GPs are building a relationship with her DD and her child versus Sons Wife and their kids has actually probably not helped here. They will possibly subconsciously be putting your kids into the 'secondary' category without even realising it becasue the link person - their son - just doesn't feature in the day-to-day family stuff.

Your H does not come out covered in glory here at all.

Original poster
WhenAndWhere · 26/10/2019 13:39

I didn't say my husband is never here. He spends long time away but he also spends good amount of time at home. He is a great parent and I have no doubt he will back me up when I need it. This time communication was between inlaws and me and I wanted to sort it out myself.
As per GP leaving DS out I agree, it doesn't make it more excusable given my son's history of seizures. I do understand they might feel nervous taking him along in case something happens, having said that the odds of him having a seizure whilst in their care are about the same as for my DD to have some sort of an accident when out with them, so shouldn't they be prepared to deal with that?

OP posts: