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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD Inlaws will only take one child

130 replies

WhenAndWhere · 24/10/2019 16:44

I am after a little advice here. So I got 3 kids, 7 year old DD, 4 year old DS and a baby. DH is working away a lot so I am on my own with kids and find it difficult to keep them all entertained when I am by myself. In the past while my inlaws have been offering to take my oldest out for a day every now and then to help me out. She loves spending time with them so I let her. Whilst I appreciate them making an effort I feel sad for my DS who gets upset because he is always left behind. Initially I thought it was one off occasion so didn't say anything. DS is noticing that his sister gets to spend time with grandparents and he has to stay with me and the baby. Last time it happened I decided to stop that, I am not bothered about baby not getting out because baby is only little and won't enjoy it anyway.
So today I got a message from my MIL asking if my DD would like to go out with them this weekend. I asked if they would also take my DS because he feels left out and gets upset. Got a message back saying this is a Halloween thing and they think my DS could get scared. Now I don't know what to do. Thing is my DS is very sensitive and he could potentially get scared. But then he will see his sister going away again and will start crying because nobody is taking him along. I also don't want to stop my DD from having a great time.

OP posts:
EdWinchester · 24/10/2019 20:23

They sound very mean. No way would I put up with this.

Majorcollywobble · 24/10/2019 20:38

As a Granny myself I can’t see that the way they are behaving will cause anything but harm .
Your DD runs the risk of being pitted against her brother . The descriptions of how rejected he has felt by seeing them disappear without him is so heartbreaking.
No respite from either of the three children is worth the damage done to the relationship of the two siblings . The obviously favour your daughter and they are behaving really badly . Don’t enable them to do this any longer - it’s just unfair. You can’t force them to take DS too so sadly DD should not go either. I bet they don’t even sweeten the hurt by bringing him a treat back from the outings ?

timeisnotaline · 24/10/2019 20:40

Christ just no then. Send fizzys and you might have to end up being firmer. Can you afford to buy some help so the idea of them taking dd isn’t so appealing? Because frankly that would be the last time they saw dd that wasn’t with all of us together. It won’t do her any favours really being the favourite.

TheMistressQuickly · 24/10/2019 20:42

I think they are probably thinking what is easier rather than picking favourites. However, your little boy is not going to see it as that. I would let DD go but express that it’s his turn next time x

AnotherEmma · 24/10/2019 20:45

No, it's his turn this time.

Raindancer411 · 24/10/2019 20:47

I think unless they are going to start taking DS occasionally, you need to stand firm and say no from now on. You need to protect your kids and their feelings. It will eventually create a tension between your son and daughter otherwise.

Pandainmyporridge · 24/10/2019 20:49

Why do you keep letting this happen?

tilder · 24/10/2019 20:53

Mil does this. The kids know. It's horrible. I can't do anything about it (she favours their cousins). It's affected the relationship with her and the cousins.

Equal or not at all.

georgialondon · 24/10/2019 20:59

It sounds like they have a favourite. They should take it in turns which grandchild they take. It's really unfair.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 24/10/2019 21:00

If you've not replied yet then say "OK understand. I'm afraid it'll have to be a no then, both DS and DD are noticing you only take DD out, and they are starting to think she's the favourite. I'm not going to be able to let DD go out on a solo days out any more."

Remember, favouritism isn't just bad for the child left out, the favourite has their relationship with their siblings damaged by it as well.

Original poster
WhenAndWhere · 24/10/2019 21:03

I don't want this to keep happening, I want this to stop. It happened on few occasions in the past and I decided no more. That's why I asked if they would also take DS and they said he might get scared. He might, he also might not.
Thanks for advice everyone, I will send a message.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 24/10/2019 21:06

You are doing the right thing. As well as ds being upset it could cause a horrible dynamic between your children.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 24/10/2019 21:07

You need to put a stop to it. If it continues it will damage the relationship between your children.

It happened in my family too. My kids are very protective of each other and the favoured one used to just say no the end, before I even had chance to say anything, as they didn't think it was fair. The grandparent then turned their attention onto one of my siblings children and seemed to enjoy telling my kids how amazing their cousin was. 🙄 I don't have any contact with them anymore as this was one of many issues.

readitandwept · 24/10/2019 21:24

They sound pretty bloody awful.

What are they like with DS when you are all together?

darlingsweetpea · 24/10/2019 21:33

Your poor DS, it's so mean of the GP to shut the door on him. My heart broke when I read your post about the train and him putting his shoes on. Poor little boy, so innocent and getting sidelined because he could get scared.Confused

BackforGood · 24/10/2019 21:36

He’s four. Halloween isn’t suitable for him. Tell him he can go when he’s older and don’t kick the gift horse. Let them take your daughter and be grateful but ask if they could take your son to the park for an hour soon.
Don’t go down the both or none or you’ll lose all support.

This ^

You've asked them to take ds as well.
Why don't you ask them if they could take ds instead sometime in the next month. It doesn't have to be costly or anywhere particularly special or expensive. They could take him somewhere on the local train. Or home to make cakes. Or to the park. Or to the library. Or a local cafe.
Please don't stop your dd having nice treats because they can't (or don't want to) manage two at once. You started your OP by saying "I am on my own with kids and find it difficult to keep them all entertained when I am by myself" yet you are presumably 25 - 35 years younger than they are. Let them help you, but ask them to do odd things with your ds, don't stop everyone doing nice things.

TheMistressQuickly · 24/10/2019 21:53

I agree. I don’t think it should be THIS time. He’s nervous and Halloween isn’t the ideal time for him maybe?

Original poster
WhenAndWhere · 24/10/2019 22:00

@BackforGood
The problem is they will not do things only with my DS. But they will with DD.
I find it difficult to entertain my kids at the moment because I have a baby who needs naps, feeding, changing etc. Not because my DS is too much to handle.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 24/10/2019 22:03

Why don't you ask them if they could take ds instead sometime in the next month

Don’t you think two adult grandparents could work this out for themselves, yet chose not to? They only want the eldest for whatever selfish reason. I wouldn’t allow it.

mawof3soontobe · 24/10/2019 22:04

They wouldn't be getting any of my kids the horrible fuckers! Watching a kid run to a door with his shoes on for his hopes to be shattered not once but twice is despicable

FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2019 22:09

Ok, then I'm afraid you - or rather, your DH - is going to have to tackle this head on.

Unless they are also willing to build a solo relationship with your DS, then there will be no more solo time with DD. They can absolutely have a relationship with all the kids and you want it to be as close as possible, but it has to be fair and equal, as far as different ages allow. You simply won't let there be a situation where they have one special grandchild who they develop a close bond with at the expense of the others. And yes it IS at the expense of the others, there have already been a couple of situations where DS is left crying. So - stop asking to take DD out, it's not happening any more, from now on it will be everyone together or nothing at all.

Your DH needs to say this, very clearly.

alwayscauseastir · 24/10/2019 22:17

My grandparents, so my children's great-grandparents would only take my eldest child. This regularly meant paying for childcare for my youngest. But I totally understood that it was because my youngest was a little shit hard to handle at times. Perhaps they find your son harder work? And maybe don't want to say anything about it?

GreenTulips · 24/10/2019 22:25

Kids play up when treated unfairly. We teach them to grasp fair. Why should he be treated badly.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 24/10/2019 22:28

It may well be an age/gender thing in terms if they simply find DD easier/more enjoyable.
My friend has several children and I do find their DD much easier to spend time with than the younger boys who are...handfuls

But rather than single out DD I just spend less time but share it out - this is what GP’s should be doing.

Given their behaviour so far you NEED to spell it out VERY clearly as they have been awful to DS!

‘Sorry but DH and I have become quite alarmed by your favouritism of DD and how much this has/Is hurting DS’s feelings. From now on please don’t invite DD to spend time with you if you do not intend to include DS’

Phuquocdreams · 24/10/2019 22:35

It’s likely they do find 7yo DD easier than 4yo DS but it’s clear from your posts this is affecting DS so it has to be stopped I think.