Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has said he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

133 replies

Wgal2008 · 23/10/2019 19:05

I decided to give posting a go. So basically I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter who’s 3 and I’m pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met and moved in together on the second date just absolutely smitten and he followed me all over the country with uni and my summer job I did. Our family’s get on great. We have a lovely big house, nice cars and go out often on dates. Everything seemed perfect and felt perfect. I thought I’d finally found my happy ending after not such a happy childhood. I believed we were soul mates we had so much in common and got together when I was just 18 and never looked back. We got married earlier this year and have been nothing but happy but just lately I’ve felt something was wrong. (This is where it goes downhill) Saturday this week I planned a whole day out for us to spend time together and have fun. We both work long 40-50 hour weeks so I like to make the effort to have fun on Saturday and relax and chill Sunday. We went for lunch, looked around shops at fun Halloween stuff. Walked our dogs and I suggested a takeaway. What I thought was a perfect Saturday. But no. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really. Even acknowledging the baby hasn’t happened yet really. Although he came to the scan he wasn’t really there. So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. Silly me has tried harder and harder to be fun and make the most of weekends and have family time. Saturday night I broke down to tears and explained how damaged my confidence is from the way he’s been towards me. He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot and sport. I let him do as he pleases he’s a grown man. Our money is seperate and I’m a very easy going wife to be honest but I do get lonely. Even time together seems to be lonely. Soooo anyway I explained to him how I feel and ended up getting him to explain why. He said he feels sad and empty and fed up. I thought he was depressed so suggested he visit his mum and dad and get their advice. Anyway long story short he did and I had a long night alone again being left to do everything but my main concern was him and his wellbeing so the next day we had a day out and date evening at the cinema to see the film he wanted and all the snacks no expense spared and then went bed and everything seemed better. Monday I came home from work and so did he. Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual and I begin to worry. I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me. I confronted him nicely when he came home and asked what’s wrong with our relationship and that’s when it came out he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why. Bombshell. So I talked it through. We went round in circles and now I’ve sent him to his mums to think about if he wants me or not and I need to know by Friday as I can’t go on feeling this sick and anxious pregnant. The more time apart I have the more I’m worried if I can forgive him and get over the knock to my confidence and our relationship. I’m early 20s and look after myself. His friends say he’s punching not that I’m amazing but it just doesn’t make sense. He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it. Please help. Do I take him back and try harder?? We’re still together and texting loads but I just can’t believe that he could feel this way and do this to me for months now and so early into marriage which was his idea!!!

OP posts:
Lizziedu49 · 23/10/2019 19:44

@Wgal2008 what he has said cannot be unsaid. Once a person has decided to say that to their partner, the person on the receiving end will ALWAYS question whether they are still loved/fancied. It sounds like he is making zero effort and you are worth more than that. I can tell that by the way that YOU have been making all the effort by planning date nights, fun weekends and he has just been accepting all these lovely things yet carrying on with the same behaviour. YOU ARE CARRYING HIS CHILD and he has said this to you?... that is putting your unborn child at risk and is extremely selfish. Honestly, know you're worth. You. Deserve. Better.

Lizziedu49 · 23/10/2019 19:46

Your worth**

GaaaaarlicBread · 23/10/2019 19:49

You deserve so much better . You have evidently put all the effort in, I could cry for you. What he’s said is said, and that’s unforgivable in my eyes especially when you’re carrying HIS CHILD ! He doesn’t deserve you x

madcatladyforever · 23/10/2019 19:54

I'd tell him you think his behaviour is disgusting and if he feels like that he'd better leave. Certainly make no more effort, he won't respect you and it won't make any difference.
Sounds like he doesn't really want another baby to me and is shying away from family life.
Sounds more like a teenager than a grown man. Maybe he needs to sort himself out somewhere else.
Sorry you are going through this OP xxx

HappyHammy · 23/10/2019 19:56

Hes hurt you, dont take him back, he has made his feelings known.

SKMCR · 23/10/2019 19:59

I think it sounds like he's met someone tbh. Im so sorry.

Kit19 · 23/10/2019 20:02

Oh lovely I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what possessed him to say such a deeply hurtful thing. Could you ever really forgive him for what he said? I know you’ve said he has till Friday to decide if he wants you but honestly I’d be asking myself if I wanted him....

Uponreflection · 23/10/2019 20:02

What he has said to you is quite cruel especially as you are carrying his baby.

I think the fact he is going out so much and has turned against you so early in your marriage does suggest he has at least had his head turned if not more sorry.

I would stop trying. I don’t see you could have done any more.

DBML · 23/10/2019 20:03

To me it sounds like this man is leading two lives.

Life one: friends, sport, going out.

Life two: marriage, young kids, house.

I think he’s decided which he likes best. He sounds immature, inconsiderate and mean to be honest.

RifRafia · 23/10/2019 20:05

I'm afraid that I would be very surprised if there is not another woman involved...maybe time to start planning an exit strategy?

Span1elsRock · 23/10/2019 20:06

Remove yourself as an option with your head held high. He sounds like a self absorbed twat, and you're better off without someone who can be so bloody cruel while you're carrying their child.

Flowers
Loaf90 · 23/10/2019 20:08

Sounds very likely that he's met someone else, sorry OP Flowers

JenniferM1989 · 23/10/2019 20:10

How old is he OP?

BuildBuildings · 23/10/2019 20:12

You deserve better than someone who would say this when you're carrying their child. I'm not sure how you can come back from this and maintain good mental heal tbh.

When is the baby due?

AnyFucker · 23/10/2019 20:13

There is someone else, I would bet my house on it

SoyDora · 23/10/2019 20:16

Another one who thinks there is probably someone else. Not necessarily an affair (yet) but he’s had his head turned.

DoctorAllcome · 23/10/2019 20:19

It is actually very common for a spouse to get bored at the 5-7yr mark in a monogamous relationship. I’m surprised you’ve sent him home to his mother with an ultimatum tbh.
Yes, you’re happy and making an great effort, but he’s been feeling bored and the second he admits everything isn’t perfect you punish his honesty by kicking him out of the house. To decide if he wants you or not. Yeah it’s hurtful to hear that everything isn’t perfect, but no married couple has a perfect relationship year after year, decade after decade. There are times when one or the other feels like things are not perfect. And that is no one’s fault. Him feeling the way he does is not a reflection on you and what kind of partner you are. It just is. And maybe it is mental health related. Depression is not feeling sad so much as trapped.
The way to deal with this is not punishment and ultimatums but talking through things. At least try counselling. Try and find out why he feels the way he does. Trying “harder” on your part is not the way to go. You are really the one doing all the work in the relationship now. It’s not sustainable for you to take this burden on yourself. He needs to go to a doctor and have a chat about his feelings. Then you both should have counselling about how his MH impacts the relationship. IF anything, because you have children involved, it is worth it to not give up and separate over this without at least trying to work through it together.

holidays987 · 23/10/2019 20:22

" I think it sounds like he's met someone tbh. "

Agree. He may not have acted on it / got together with someone. But it sounds like someone's caught his eye at least.

His comment was very hurtful. But if that's the way he feels, then that's the way he feels. He's not the person you thought he was and I'm not sure how you'd mend your relationship from here. Sorry for you OP. Take care of yourself.

Nightskywonder · 23/10/2019 20:23

Sounds like there's another woman.... Of course he's NEVER going to tell you.

upups · 23/10/2019 20:24

I think saying he no longer finds you attractive is just mean honestly and I would struggle to get past that. However I wouldn't just be done with him, you have two children and once did have the perfect relationship so what can you do to get back to that. Talk to him. Ask him questions about why he's feeling this way and when it started. Maybe he's just feeling overwhelmed by a second baby on the way or maybe it is his mental health. Communicate. Maybe counselling would help or asking him to plan things for you to do together or as a family...

Wherearemymarbles · 23/10/2019 20:29

If he genuinely doesn’t fancy you anymore then its over.
People change. Maybe he wants to be jack the lad and not sensible dad.

I’ll ask you this though - think back. Last few years who has put all the effort into the relationship. I’d bet its you

Sweetpeach3 · 23/10/2019 20:33

He sounds like he wants to be "one of the lads" again without the responsibility's of a family and his actions do seem to sway towards he's slightly occupied elsewhere. May not of acted but his head could be turned that's why he's now got these feelings towards you even though he has a cushy easy life!
Just focus on you and your baby's because he isn't doing that with his actions.
I hope your okay x

ukgift2016 · 23/10/2019 20:37

How old is your husband OP?

Sounds likely there is another woman or he wants live the single life.

When you marry/have kids so young. The statistics for relationship failing are much higher than it is for older couples and that's for good reason.

RueCambon · 23/10/2019 20:43

Awful shock when you are pregnant :-/ but i would dig deep and summons all of the strength to tell him that this fickle shallow immature 'boredom' is a turnoff. Get. Turned. Off. OP.
Seriously. Is he interesting, is he funny? Is he ootimistic? Does he challenge to intellectually, but support you and value you? No. He doesn't. He gets you pregnant, again, and then lobs this bombshell at you.

Dont pander to his ego by reasoning with him. Shock him by removing yourself as an option. Tell him he will be responsible for the kids thurs, fri and sat, or whatever. Do not let him waltz of to chasing after other women while you have the 2 children 95% of the time!

Put yr foot down.

Zuma76 · 23/10/2019 20:44

My DH did something similar ish. He was depressed. He realised this shortly after telling me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. We managed to work it out but you have to give him space if it is depression. You trying harder might make thinks worse. Sorry you are going through this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread