Husband has said he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Wgal2008]

I decided to give posting a go. So basically I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter who’s 3 and I’m pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met and moved in together on the second date just absolutely smitten and he followed me all over the country with uni and my summer job I did. Our family’s get on great. We have a lovely big house, nice cars and go out often on dates. Everything seemed perfect and felt perfect. I thought I’d finally found my happy ending after not such a happy childhood. I believed we were soul mates we had so much in common and got together when I was just 18 and never looked back. We got married earlier this year and have been nothing but happy but just lately I’ve felt something was wrong. (This is where it goes downhill) Saturday this week I planned a whole day out for us to spend time together and have fun. We both work long 40-50 hour weeks so I like to make the effort to have fun on Saturday and relax and chill Sunday. We went for lunch, looked around shops at fun Halloween stuff. Walked our dogs and I suggested a takeaway. What I thought was a perfect Saturday. But no. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really. Even acknowledging the baby hasn’t happened yet really. Although he came to the scan he wasn’t really there. So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. Silly me has tried harder and harder to be fun and make the most of weekends and have family time. Saturday night I broke down to tears and explained how damaged my confidence is from the way he’s been towards me. He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot and sport. I let him do as he pleases he’s a grown man. Our money is seperate and I’m a very easy going wife to be honest but I do get lonely. Even time together seems to be lonely. Soooo anyway I explained to him how I feel and ended up getting him to explain why. He said he feels sad and empty and fed up. I thought he was depressed so suggested he visit his mum and dad and get their advice. Anyway long story short he did and I had a long night alone again being left to do everything but my main concern was him and his wellbeing so the next day we had a day out and date evening at the cinema to see the film he wanted and all the snacks no expense spared and then went bed and everything seemed better. Monday I came home from work and so did he. Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual and I begin to worry. I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me. I confronted him nicely when he came home and asked what’s wrong with our relationship and that’s when it came out he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why. Bombshell. So I talked it through. We went round in circles and now I’ve sent him to his mums to think about if he wants me or not and I need to know by Friday as I can’t go on feeling this sick and anxious pregnant. The more time apart I have the more I’m worried if I can forgive him and get over the knock to my confidence and our relationship. I’m early 20s and look after myself. His friends say he’s punching not that I’m amazing but it just doesn’t make sense. He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it. Please help. Do I take him back and try harder?? We’re still together and texting loads but I just can’t believe that he could feel this way and do this to me for months now and so early into marriage which was his idea!!!

Make sure he has the children as close to half of the time as possible. He isn't sure family life is for him? Well, maybe not but that doesn't make the family go away. Make sure that you're not left with 100% of the responsibility i was and it's hard to rebuild a life when you're left with all of the responsibility. Let him walk away from the relationship but don't let him walk away from being a father.

You will have a great life. You're young, this is a hurdle I'm sure but co-parenting and having a job and having some free time will be a good life once you've adjusted to the shock, just do not let him absolve himself of all of the childcare. Because THAT, not the end of the relationship, is what will make your next few years hard.

What did his parents say in text? Are they supporting his 'i'm bored now' do you think he's said something else to then that he's not said to you?

He sounds like he's having a early mid life crisis. You've done the right thing. He needs to go and decide what he's doing and not mess you and your emotions around any longer.

It was harsh what he said and quite unforgivable.

What is he texting you when he messages? He needs to know your not there just waiting and reassuring him.

Have you ever rang him at work while he's doing overtime? Not cell phone but land-line.
I'd certainly do it a few times randomly.
It's odd that after not fancying you, he's now so caring and attentive.

I really feel for you op. You are trying so hard for a relationship with someone who sounds like he’s done with it.
I wonder if it’s the pregnancy making him act so selfishly.
You sound like such a lovely person. Don’t let him carry on treating you like this.

Could it be possible that that is how he feels about himself, insecure and he is switching that on You?

So this has taken guts to post but it’s gotten so much worse. I took him back and gave him the chance to prove he does love me and it was just a bump in the road. He went out Saturday night and my gut told me something was off. He didn’t get home until 4 am so I checked his phone whilst he was in the shower the next morning (which I never do) he had his messenger on silent and secret messages I couldn’t see without a code from a year ago?! Anyway I looked on snapchat which he supposedly doesn’t use and hidden but not hidden well enough was his co worker as his best friend on there. There were messages (not incriminating) but a lot of effort to keep the conversation going and meet up every time he’s been out lately and they talk every day. This explains the over time maybe. I’ve discovered he drops her home and they sit together at lunch. I feel sick to my stomach. How do I find out if he has cheated. I understand this is emotional cheating keeping it all secret and hiding and lying about why he’s home later etc and who he’s been out with whilst I’m home pregnant. I know this is enough to end it but he swears their friends and he was to scared I wouldn’t like it. Even though I always said you can have female friends just don’t lie to me about it or keep secrets as he had done once years ago. Anyway the dilemma I have is I feel he wants me to be the one to end it. He says he loves me and wants to show me and is so sorry but the messages were nothing but then I have moved him and all of his stuff out as I don’t want my daughter witnessing me crying all of the time and us arguing and I need space to think. Can I forgive him and rebuild my trust for him if he comes back or do I follow my gut and think this must be cheating as it explains everything. I wish I could know for sure what he’s done as that would make it easier for me to decide. I hate that I have to be the one to decide as I love him and our family so much but I can’t carry on like this for my sake and my mental health and wellbeing of baby with the stress

Just to clarify best friend on snap chat is the person you talk to the most. I had no idea he saw or spoke to her at work. I thought they just went college together 3 years ago. I messaged her nicely and her reply wasn’t so friendly and asked if he knew I messaged her and I should talk to him as it’s “not for her to say” so cryptic. Maybe she means she doesn’t want to cause a row or maybe she means more. I haven’t slept since Sunday

I'm sorry but it sounds like he has been having an affair tbh. Her message is basically saying that. It's a horribly shitty thing to do to you especially as you are pregnant but please don't listen to anymore of his lies. Remember he sworn on your daughters life there was no one and there clearly was even if it was at that time just an emotional affair. They only ever admit to the least they think they can get away with and then there are the excuses which are generally 'I was depressed' or 'you weren't paying me enough attention' these are the lies cheaters tell.

He’s now saying it’s his mental health. I begged him to go doctors when I wrote this thread and he swore it wasn’t that it was our relationship ..

I should talk to him as it’s “not for her to say” so cryptic

Come off it, this is not cryptic in the slightest. Imagine you were this woman, receiving a message from your 'best friend's wife. How would you reply if there was nothing going on? You'd say something like 'Oh no, we are not having an affair, I promise you we are just friends!' wouldn't you? You'd make every effort to reassure her wouldn't you?

The fact she is not denying anything speaks volumes.

He doesn’t respect you. Period.

And he will never respect you if you keep trying to justify this behaviour from him with maybes.

It’s clear as day and I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn’t even be speaking to you never mind trying to anaylse or justify your behaviour.

Sorry to be tough but you need to toughen up. Kick him out, block him on all avenues of contact. And give yourself time to heal and build yourself back up again because it seems to me right now your confidence is at an all time low.

Let him see his daughter via your parents doing drop off pick ups.

Do not be a door mat for him. You are his wife and he clearly doesn’t respect that so why should you?

He is having an affair and it is very likely physical. He has been compelled to secretly meet her whenever he can. He has lied repeatedly.

OP, he rejected you in the cruelest way. Disengaged, detached from the pregnancy, no eye contact, telling you that he is no longer a

Sorry...

...telling you that he is no longer attracted to you and doesn’t enjoy your company.

He is a liar and a cheat. OW has basically confirmed their affair. Why on earth would you believe a word he says?

Let's assume he does have mental health issues and is not cheating, but relying on her for support.
Even so, he'd have lied to you about it, putting you down and causing you anxiety about the relationship.
He can't keep a story straight and is secretive.
Whatever is going on, this is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

If you want to keep your self esteem you should be the one to end it. Don't let him control this and mess up your head.

He's cheating on you, he's emotionally checked out, this marriage is dead. Now you need to deal with the next steps and stop trying to please a man who has zero respect for you. There's no saving this, you're only wasting your time and dignity. Send him packing to his parents and speak to a divorce solicitor. You're getting flamed on here because you've made some foolish decisions and you're continuing to do so. Cut your losses.

Everyone here has given you their thoughts...it’s now gotten worse. What if there is no solid proof? Always go with your gut.

trust is impossible to be rebuilt unless the person wants to. So yes it is possible, however it takes work + effort from both sides to do so

Also you are getting a hard time because it is passive to be waiting for someone to decide your destiny. Sometimes we need to take charge & make difficult decisions in life. You don’t need to wait for him to decide & to be held emotionally hostage to someone else like that indicates there are issues with self confidence & worth at play, which are preventing you from taking action.

Your thread reads like a fairy tale romance rather than a steady solid relationship where you both talked and thought through the implications of living together and commitment. Big house, amazing lifestyle in your early 20s?

Everyone should expect the best but perhaps this wasn't the 'dream' relationship all along. It sounds like you have been doing all the trying for this man child and meanwhile he's been diverting his attention elsewhere.

The OW has given you your answer

Why aren't you listening ?

I'm so sorry op. He has cheated and lied. What an arse. You sound lovely, He doesn't deserve you.
You can do this without him. You've gone through so much heartbreak and anxiety already, if you stay with him you'll never trust him again.
Please stay strong and make a clean break.
Your dd is young and wont remember your tears in years to come.

Of course he wants you to be the one to pull the trigger and end it. He is spineless and a liar and a cheat.

This man is cheating on you and the sooner you realise that your relationship as you thought you knew it is dead in the water and start moving on with your life, the better. Dragging this out for another 18 months / 2 years won't be good for you or your children.

Also be aware the longer the marriage runs the larger the claim he will have on your house.

Right now you are in a strong position - it's a short marriage I would get out now. Kick him out, file for CSA and serve him divorce papers.

You can always reconcile in the fullness of time a la elizabeth taylor and richard burton if it's a mistake (It's not) but you cannot take a time machine and start divorce proceedings should you regret howthings pan out.

I messaged her nicely and her reply wasn’t so friendly and asked if he knew I messaged her and I should talk to him as it’s “not for her to say” so cryptic.

It's not cryptic at all. She's saying that it's not for her to confirm that they are in a relationship because he's told her lies. He's likely told her you both are separated and you are the crazy ex who wont leave him alone and he's only going along with it because you have some sort of mental health issue. She's unfriendly to you because she thinks you are an ex of his and wondering why the fuck you keep pestering them/him when he's convinced her that you are his ex.

Sling him out, you know he's cheating.

OP - I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I am not going to comment on the possibility that he is having an affair of any kind.
What I will say is that, if he says he is not attracted to you, that is more or less the end of a relationship. It is not cruel per se to say such a thing, depending on how it is said (that is, it can be delivered in a cruel way, or simply as a sad, unfortunate, regrettable fact) - if it is true, it is better that you know this than not. No one can force themselves to be attracted to someone else; equally, it has no bearing on how actually attractive you are, at all, because you sound amazing to me.
You could try couples counselling - saving the relationship is, I fear, unlikely given his statement, but if nothing else it could give you both space to say how you feel, and hopefully produce a less painful separation.
Ultimately, though, I fear that if he has lost attraction, the relationship is over. Good luck OP, whatever happens you sound lovely and I know there is happiness in your future, perhaps alone or eventually with a different man. x

PS sorry I wasn't clear above - I meant it's not cruel per se for a partner to say they're not attracted to their partner...