Husband has said he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Wgal2008]

I decided to give posting a go. So basically I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter who’s 3 and I’m pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met and moved in together on the second date just absolutely smitten and he followed me all over the country with uni and my summer job I did. Our family’s get on great. We have a lovely big house, nice cars and go out often on dates. Everything seemed perfect and felt perfect. I thought I’d finally found my happy ending after not such a happy childhood. I believed we were soul mates we had so much in common and got together when I was just 18 and never looked back. We got married earlier this year and have been nothing but happy but just lately I’ve felt something was wrong. (This is where it goes downhill) Saturday this week I planned a whole day out for us to spend time together and have fun. We both work long 40-50 hour weeks so I like to make the effort to have fun on Saturday and relax and chill Sunday. We went for lunch, looked around shops at fun Halloween stuff. Walked our dogs and I suggested a takeaway. What I thought was a perfect Saturday. But no. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really. Even acknowledging the baby hasn’t happened yet really. Although he came to the scan he wasn’t really there. So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. Silly me has tried harder and harder to be fun and make the most of weekends and have family time. Saturday night I broke down to tears and explained how damaged my confidence is from the way he’s been towards me. He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot and sport. I let him do as he pleases he’s a grown man. Our money is seperate and I’m a very easy going wife to be honest but I do get lonely. Even time together seems to be lonely. Soooo anyway I explained to him how I feel and ended up getting him to explain why. He said he feels sad and empty and fed up. I thought he was depressed so suggested he visit his mum and dad and get their advice. Anyway long story short he did and I had a long night alone again being left to do everything but my main concern was him and his wellbeing so the next day we had a day out and date evening at the cinema to see the film he wanted and all the snacks no expense spared and then went bed and everything seemed better. Monday I came home from work and so did he. Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual and I begin to worry. I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me. I confronted him nicely when he came home and asked what’s wrong with our relationship and that’s when it came out he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why. Bombshell. So I talked it through. We went round in circles and now I’ve sent him to his mums to think about if he wants me or not and I need to know by Friday as I can’t go on feeling this sick and anxious pregnant. The more time apart I have the more I’m worried if I can forgive him and get over the knock to my confidence and our relationship. I’m early 20s and look after myself. His friends say he’s punching not that I’m amazing but it just doesn’t make sense. He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it. Please help. Do I take him back and try harder?? We’re still together and texting loads but I just can’t believe that he could feel this way and do this to me for months now and so early into marriage which was his idea!!!

OP, you sound lovely, warm, caring, reasonable, you deserve to have the love and companionship of someone who adores you. Your husband may be depressed, or he may be trying to step away from the reality of life and in protecting his own self worth he could be consciously or unconsciously ‘blaming’ you rather than really being honest with himself. Feel for you! You sound strong and centred so I feel that however this works out you will come through it even stronger xx

I have to say I rarely quote AF, but there I was looking if anyone had said another woman and this was the first.

AnyFucker
There is someone else, I would bet my house on it

Me too. My first thoughts on reading your OP.

If this was a woman posting who was young etc, saying they no longer fancied their partner, she would be told she had outgrown him because of settling down too young and that there was nothing wrong with that.

He hasn't done anything wrong (that we know of). They've settled down very young and done everything far too quickly. It was always a strong possibilty that it wouldn't work out long term. People fall out of love/stop fancying their partner every day. There is nothing wrong with that even though it is devastating for the partner.

I settled down at the same age, moved in quickly etc. Now getting divorced in my 30s. It was far too young.

Perhaps once he has some time to think while staying at his mums he will realise the grass isn’t greener.

He has to take his days looking after his child/children end spending time with her/them. Perhaps once he grows up and realises he won’t be allowed to be a Disney dad just turning up when it suits him, and that he can never escape the responsibility of his child he may realise that it’s not a potential new burd that he’s after, he was just seeking to escape the responsibility. Which he can’t. Sometimes they think a new squeeze will solve all there problems. But that tends to just bring more.

Just a side point, if you do split up you can’t insist on having your child on Christmas Day every year. You presumably have to share her. It’s about what she wants too. She is not a weapon in this relationship. You sound like a good person so I don’t think you meant it like that, I’m just mentioning in passing to keep an eye on that. It’s easy to do without meaning to. Even well balanced, good, kind people have slipped onto that path by accident.

He is a man in his mid twenties who has suddenly realised he is about to have a wife & 2 kids but still wants to enjoy the single life with his friends, go out and enjoy life.
Whilst you can compromise on this & achieve both, you cannot solely commit to one option and keep everyone happy.
As you get older, it's easier to accept those care free days of spontaneity and random sexual encounters are over, but in your mid twenties I imagine it's a bit harder to accept. But that was his decision so he has to accept it.

He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot – Think you’ll find that ‘friends’ translate to ‘other woman’ (OW)

he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why – Yes he does. He’s using the cheaters script here. He may as well have said ‘I love you but I’m not IN love with you’ and he doesn’t enjoy your company because the OW is all exciting and new.

He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it – Yeah yeah – they ALLL say that. He will probably swear on his child and unborn childs lives as well. Again, they ALL do that! – Aha, just seen your update. He’s already done this – again – he’s following the cheaters script!

He 'love bombed' you right from the start - those are huge red flags right there. Please learn from this.

So stop communicating for a while. He will not understand the LOSS of you unless he loses you. If that makes sense?
Tell him you need some time and head-space and you will contact him when YOU are ready.

He has made his feelings very clear here – OW or not. He no longer wants to be with you.
Do NOT do the ‘pick me’ dance. You need to be detached and strong. He needs to see you are not chasing him and you are not now trying to ‘win him over’. That you can cope and thrive without him.

His ego is being stroked elsewhere and he loves the fact that you are also bending over backwards for him. Stop enabling that shit. He can now whistle for your affection and attention.
Fake it ‘til you make it for now.

Reach out to family and friends and get some love and support around you.

You say you have a big house and nice cars. You are young so how has that happened? I worry that the money is from your side of the family and that he suggested marriage so he could get his hands on that when you divorce. Unfortunately for him, due to the short marriage that is not the case.
Get some legal advice – FAST. Protect your money and your assets.

Hope you are doing ok.

He sounds just like a cheater.
I can't fault you at all but I have to say that the relationship came about very quickly and with all the optimism of youth but none of the wisdom of experience.

I’m so sorry op I hope I’m wrong but I think there’s another woman too, I think you should tell him to do one! He’s treating you like shit and you sound so lovely.

If he finds you so boring why is he texting you loads? He wants to keep you hanging on. Focus on yourself and your pregnancy and your beautiful daughter. His behaviour is appalling.

The honeymoon period is over and he is bored of marriage and family life. Nothing original about it, he may or may not have someone else lined up, but ultimately it doesn't make much difference. Nothing you can say or do will make any difference so don't tie yourself up in knots trying to make things more exciting or attractive. It's not you, it's him. And tbh he sounds like a selfish dick.

I agree with another poster, reliving his youth, there probably isn't anyone else but he just wants to be out having fun, he should have thought about that though but it's a lot of pressure very young for you both. Dont take his shit, be strong and decide what is for the best

For better or worse

Did he think it was going to just keep peaking until you all finally exploded with happiness?
This s marriage not a football tournament. He’s going to get bored, he’s going to get restless. You are growing up together, it’s all going to be about different phases.

He’s showing his immaturity and has handled this badly by dumping it all in your lap.

I’m normally one to give people the benefit of the doubt but, definitely think his head has been turned

I’m sorry sorry op.

What a selfish man. Rushing into growing a family and playing house, then throwing it aside because he’s bored. Well that’s what happens if you truncate your adolescence! And he’s not a young man anymore, he was 5 years ago but now he’s a married father of 2. And possibly a future divorced father of 2. He can’t just make these choices disappear.

I hope you have support around you op, you say you had a difficult childhood so I hope that you have family and friends around you to help you.

He has someone else.

Men cheat most often when their wife is pregnant.
Men who are cheating become hostile to their partner as a way of deflecting their own guilt.
Your own experience with him of a whirlwind romance says he loves the being 'in love' thrill and is having that with someone else. People like this often get bored quickly with routine normal life.

Generalisations I know but often very true.

Oh, and they lie through their bloody teeth without batting an eyelid.

I’m sorry OP, I too would bet my house that he’s met someone else. He’ll never admit it because then he’s the bad guy who cheated on his pregnant wife. Don’t beg him, don’t plead with him, don’t try and fix it all. Keep your self respect, you’ll be so pleased that you did in the long run. Do you have family and friends who can support you?

i would bet money that he’s met someone else which has made him re-evaluate his life.

Truth is you got together so young, moved in together so quickly and were married with children almost straight away. When this kind of thing happens it’s easy to think of it as that perfect romance, the one who was “meant to be” and before you know it you’ve commmitted your lives to each other before you’ve even got to the point where you realise that this is potentially forever.

If you were purely in a relationship and had been together for five years since you were eighteen people would be saying that this was natural and that the relationship had run its course. But the fact you both jumped instantly into marriage and children has complicated things. It’s not so easy to just walk away when there is a marriage and children on the line, but that doesn’t make it insurmountable.

I would have an honest discussion at this stage. Don’t give him ultimatums but tell him that you realise the relationship has run its natural course and that you understand his need to end things. But make it clear that the DC cannot be included in that agreement to end the relationship, so even when he walks away (and make it clear that it is when you’re talking about and not if) he still needs to maintain his responsibility towards his children.

FWIW I was the same age as you are when my eXH (then DP) did the same to me. Told me that he had thought he was lucky that he’d found me and then realised that we had nothing in common, didn’t like the same music, he didn’t like the way I dressed, that I was too “old” for him in maturity terms almost acting middle aged. . He had met someone else and he had discovered a similarity in their personalities which had made him re-evaluate our relationship at the time. Obviously he never admitted that he’d cheated but I know that he had.

But we worked through it, got married and then had DC, but the marriage ended some years later, and in retrospect I should have heeded that blip of his at the time and walked away then.

They ALL swear on their child's lives.

If they don't have kids they swear on their Mums grave.

Its a cliché.

He has his beady little sweaty eye on someone else.

Sorry OP but I'm with the others, I would bet money he has met someone else and is having second thoughts about living a settled life with you and the kids when he could have excitement with someone new. Its totally shit and I'm so sorry you are going through this but you deserve so much more

They ALL swear on their child's lives

this in spades.

Sorry OP but I would bet my house that he is either cheating, or fallen for someone else (reciprocated or not). Your feelings don't just change like that.

Ask to look at his phone.

As someone who went through something very similar last year; trust me there is someone else.

He hasn't done anything wrong