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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has said he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

133 replies

Wgal2008 · 23/10/2019 19:05

I decided to give posting a go. So basically I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter who’s 3 and I’m pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met and moved in together on the second date just absolutely smitten and he followed me all over the country with uni and my summer job I did. Our family’s get on great. We have a lovely big house, nice cars and go out often on dates. Everything seemed perfect and felt perfect. I thought I’d finally found my happy ending after not such a happy childhood. I believed we were soul mates we had so much in common and got together when I was just 18 and never looked back. We got married earlier this year and have been nothing but happy but just lately I’ve felt something was wrong. (This is where it goes downhill) Saturday this week I planned a whole day out for us to spend time together and have fun. We both work long 40-50 hour weeks so I like to make the effort to have fun on Saturday and relax and chill Sunday. We went for lunch, looked around shops at fun Halloween stuff. Walked our dogs and I suggested a takeaway. What I thought was a perfect Saturday. But no. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really. Even acknowledging the baby hasn’t happened yet really. Although he came to the scan he wasn’t really there. So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. Silly me has tried harder and harder to be fun and make the most of weekends and have family time. Saturday night I broke down to tears and explained how damaged my confidence is from the way he’s been towards me. He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot and sport. I let him do as he pleases he’s a grown man. Our money is seperate and I’m a very easy going wife to be honest but I do get lonely. Even time together seems to be lonely. Soooo anyway I explained to him how I feel and ended up getting him to explain why. He said he feels sad and empty and fed up. I thought he was depressed so suggested he visit his mum and dad and get their advice. Anyway long story short he did and I had a long night alone again being left to do everything but my main concern was him and his wellbeing so the next day we had a day out and date evening at the cinema to see the film he wanted and all the snacks no expense spared and then went bed and everything seemed better. Monday I came home from work and so did he. Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual and I begin to worry. I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me. I confronted him nicely when he came home and asked what’s wrong with our relationship and that’s when it came out he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why. Bombshell. So I talked it through. We went round in circles and now I’ve sent him to his mums to think about if he wants me or not and I need to know by Friday as I can’t go on feeling this sick and anxious pregnant. The more time apart I have the more I’m worried if I can forgive him and get over the knock to my confidence and our relationship. I’m early 20s and look after myself. His friends say he’s punching not that I’m amazing but it just doesn’t make sense. He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it. Please help. Do I take him back and try harder?? We’re still together and texting loads but I just can’t believe that he could feel this way and do this to me for months now and so early into marriage which was his idea!!!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2019 16:39

He’s now saying it’s his mental health
Of course it is
Blimey - his cuntishness knows no bounds does it!
'I systematically lied. I made you feel like you were going crazy. I made up a load to shit to make you feel bad when I was cheating. I shagged other women. I'm a cunt'
But........ 'It's my mental health..... boo hoo hoo hoo'
He can get to fuck.
How dare he say something like this.
There are so many people out there with genuine mental health problems and he throws this in the mix to try to absolve himself somehow!!
He's a fucking fucktard!
I despise people who do this.
OWN IT - YOU SHIT BAG (Your DP not you OP)
Just having a rant!
Jeez - why aren't you FUCKING ANGRY OP?
I'm fuming for you!

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 16:54

He is changing the story to fit the image that you are the one to end it all and he is just a poor victim in it all. And its also a good ay to cover his tracks too.
Its like he has forgotten he told you he doesnt fancy you anymore, he is bored etc.... And thinks no one will remember or knows about it Hmm

You need to take the lead here. It doesnt matter if it ends up with you breaking up with him rather than the other way around. You need to do what is right for you. Do you really think you will ever be able to trust him again after all that, the hurtful comments, the EA etc...?

HeyNotInMyName · 13/11/2019 16:55

Btw I agree that she has told you she is the OW and they are having an affair.

DBML · 13/11/2019 16:57

Mental health is an excuse for him. He’s using it now to divert blame. He’s not suffering with mental health issues, just cheating dickhead syndrome.

The ow response is clear. It’s not for her to confirm this relationship...he has to tell you. Trust me, if she wasn’t seeing him, she’s have quickly told you that.

He’s being going out - with her.
He can’t look at you - because of the guilt and the deception
He told you he’s not attracted to you - because his heads been turned
He swore on his daughter’s life - because he’s a coward and a liar and a cheat

You know what’s been going on op. You have your answers. The only thing left to decide is whether you’ll acknowledge them.

Vgtasd · 13/11/2019 17:26

Awwww I'm so sorry xx
This happened to me when I was pregnant with my second, he was smitten with a work colleague, I found texts between them where he referred to me as "whale". That was 14 years ago and I've since left him a d met someone lovely but I still remember the pain, I felt so vulnerable, get your finances in order, I didn't and am now renting with very little money, take care xxxx

Wgal2008 · 14/11/2019 07:04

I am angry at him more now I’ve had space and am away from the lies I seem to believe. I think I’m leaning more towards ending it but I’m really giving it space and time as a big decision. My worry is I’ll be divorced with two kids at 23 and my confidence is rock bottom. I’m keeping clean and wearing clean clothes so that way I’m fine but I’ve not bothered to do my hair nice, wear makeup. Go anywhere. I just feel so sad and downtrodden like no one will want me and my baggage one day. I took a photo of my bump last night and my face was in it and I just look haggered and sad I don’t recognise myself. I’m not looking for pity but is there really a light at the end of the tunnel if I do leave (I know deep down I should) at least now he’s moved out I’m lonely alone and not with him

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/11/2019 09:11

but is there really a light at the end of the tunnel
Of course there is OP.
But nothing we all say will make this any better and you won't be seeing that light for quite some time.
It's a long tunnel but we do all get through it.
You are so young. Don't settle for a liar and a cheat for the rest of your life.
Can you imagine another 20-30-40 year of this?
You need to protect yourself and your own mental health.
I'm glad you have some space.
It's a tough decision.
But it's YOUR decision to make.
Look after yourself!

DBML · 14/11/2019 19:49

How you feel now...is that happy? Is it contented? Is it loved? Is it a feeling that you’d like to live with?

If not op, then yes, there is light at the end on the tunnel. You are ONLY 23. You have two beautiful children...who wouldn’t want you. That’s not baggage.

Your husband is a liar and a cheat and he was able to look you in the eye and swear on your baby’s life if I remember correctly.
Get rid. Honestly, he will do this again if you stay.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you, but you are not over the hill or even close, though you might feel that way.

Ps. Do your hair. Do your makeup. Get out without him and enjoy. You’ll feel better.

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