Husband has said he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Wgal2008]

I decided to give posting a go. So basically I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter who’s 3 and I’m pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met and moved in together on the second date just absolutely smitten and he followed me all over the country with uni and my summer job I did. Our family’s get on great. We have a lovely big house, nice cars and go out often on dates. Everything seemed perfect and felt perfect. I thought I’d finally found my happy ending after not such a happy childhood. I believed we were soul mates we had so much in common and got together when I was just 18 and never looked back. We got married earlier this year and have been nothing but happy but just lately I’ve felt something was wrong. (This is where it goes downhill) Saturday this week I planned a whole day out for us to spend time together and have fun. We both work long 40-50 hour weeks so I like to make the effort to have fun on Saturday and relax and chill Sunday. We went for lunch, looked around shops at fun Halloween stuff. Walked our dogs and I suggested a takeaway. What I thought was a perfect Saturday. But no. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really. Even acknowledging the baby hasn’t happened yet really. Although he came to the scan he wasn’t really there. So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. Silly me has tried harder and harder to be fun and make the most of weekends and have family time. Saturday night I broke down to tears and explained how damaged my confidence is from the way he’s been towards me. He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot and sport. I let him do as he pleases he’s a grown man. Our money is seperate and I’m a very easy going wife to be honest but I do get lonely. Even time together seems to be lonely. Soooo anyway I explained to him how I feel and ended up getting him to explain why. He said he feels sad and empty and fed up. I thought he was depressed so suggested he visit his mum and dad and get their advice. Anyway long story short he did and I had a long night alone again being left to do everything but my main concern was him and his wellbeing so the next day we had a day out and date evening at the cinema to see the film he wanted and all the snacks no expense spared and then went bed and everything seemed better. Monday I came home from work and so did he. Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual and I begin to worry. I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me. I confronted him nicely when he came home and asked what’s wrong with our relationship and that’s when it came out he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why. Bombshell. So I talked it through. We went round in circles and now I’ve sent him to his mums to think about if he wants me or not and I need to know by Friday as I can’t go on feeling this sick and anxious pregnant. The more time apart I have the more I’m worried if I can forgive him and get over the knock to my confidence and our relationship. I’m early 20s and look after myself. His friends say he’s punching not that I’m amazing but it just doesn’t make sense. He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it. Please help. Do I take him back and try harder?? We’re still together and texting loads but I just can’t believe that he could feel this way and do this to me for months now and so early into marriage which was his idea!!!

So sorry you are going through this. I think the most revealing sentence of your post is this one:

He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it.

Why do you trust his insistence on this particular point?

It sounds alot very quickly you both only 23 got married have one 3 year old and another on the way. I agree with past experience with ex he wanted to have a young single life and we had ds too young at 21. It wasnt until I met dh and at 26 had dd. I also wouldn't be surprised if hes had his head turned.

I find this quite infuriating. I'd tell him that I don't particularly find him attractive the cheeky sod! How bloody dare he say that to you when you're pregnant with his child. I'm angry and I don't even know you!

He's either having some kind of crisis whereby he fancies a crack at the fun of single life, going out with his mates and having a great old time or he's met someone else.

If there's one thing I've learnt in my life it's that men generally don't rock the boat in their relationship unless they've got plans of another one. Most will keep up the pretence that all's well until they come across another woman and think the grass is greener.

Sounds like he’s feeling the pressure of having a partner and a child with another on the way. Once you’ve been apart he may realise he is being silly. If not I suggest he’s got someone else in mind. Sorry OP

Well first of all thank you everyone I really appreciate your replies. It’s great to have outsiders views as I have really supportive friends and family but they can only really help so much. As for telling him to go to his mums I probably put that wrong. It was more a discussion that I think it best he goes and has some space to really know what he wants for his mental health which I’ve been so worried about and I’ve been left alone in our memory filled happy home so I’ve come to stay with a family member. I think what I’ve struggled with is the suddenness and shock of someone who’s been smitten for so long. I just feel lost to be honest that’s why I’m here and I do want to make it work 100% I never want to have a failed marriage but I’m just interested in where others have drawn the line as I’m absolutely heartbroken and I caught my reflection earlier and it isn’t fun bubbly me! As for the pregnancy side of things I’m 4 months and a good bmi so I don’t think that would be the reason for sudden unattractivness. Maybe it is the baby which he was fully on board with trying for until we found out we were pregnant he wasn’t over the moon but he changed his mind soon after. Or maybe there is someone else. The thing I’m finding the hardest is this waiting game for all of the answers. Truly thank you for replying - a very greatful broken person (I know I’m young but I don’t think age comes into it with us we’re very old fashioned and I’ve gone through uni and never would consider turning my head for anyone

Oh and also for the poster that asked why do I believe him so much about there being no one else is because he is an amazing dad and he loves our daughter more than anything or anyone (even his bloody Xbox) and swore on her life as petty as that seems but I just don’t think he would have it in him to do that if he were lying. I do think maybe he’s staying for her and the family aspect but like I’ve said to him I’ll never keep her from you I’m a very fair person and have her best interest at heart I would let him have her every other weekend and a fair amount in the week if he’d like. I’ve explained Christmas is out of the question as if he leaves I will not be spending Christmas with out my little girl but Boxing Day he can have her and we could share new year and special occasions. I think I’ve been very fair and said if your staying you stay for us not the cosy life and family side. It has to be for me or what’s the point in the rest!

OP, I am sorry that you have suffered this blow.

Your H’s behavior toward you has drastically changed. He is unaffectionate and disengaged, and at times won’t even make eye contact. He is totally detached from your pregnancy, even at the scan. Now he has pushed you further away by cruelly stating that he doesn’t enjoy your company and is no longer attracted to you.

I agree with others that an OW is in the picture. You were wise to send him away. Do not diminish yourself by ‘trying harder.’ He has checked out and has broken your trust.

Swearing on his child's life. Hhmmm. He loves his XBox. He does sound quite immature. You on the other hand sound amazing. Responsible, resourceful and fun! Where does he go when he is smoking and watching/doing sport with friends? Hope you are resting by now!

I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me.

What does this mean? It sounds like they’re blaming his state of mind on your relationship, is that right?

Was thinking the same.

I just don’t think he would have it in him to do that

Well that's the thing. They don't have it in them until they do. One look at relationships board will tell you that.

swore on her life

Swearing on your child's life is a huge red flag for a cheater. It must be in their handbook or something, because so many of them do it.

He's spending lots of time away from you and he's telling you he's bored and doesn't find you attractive. None of this looks good OP. I'm very sorry.

I'm sad to say that I think there may be someone else on his horizon, even if nothing has actually happened.

Op he's out drinking and smoking and acting single, leaving you at home to parent and being pregnant yourself. That's so far from an amazing dad it's not funny.

I hope you don’t mind me being honest. You moved in together extremely quickly and were both on the rebound. It sounds like “hysterical bonding” to me. I’m not sure you had true love but more obsession. That wears off. He’s been honest and told you he doesn’t fancy you. It is what it is I’m afraid. You can’t make somebody fancy you. Yes it’s cruel and yes it’s a shame but now you know. He isn’t into you. So that’s it really isn’t it. You can’t continue at your age with this farce because that’s what it is. You can’t live the next 50 years with somebody who thinks you’re as attractive as cardboard. You now need to cut him loose. Tell him you deserve better. You deserve to be with somebody who thinks you’re fantastic. It’s a shame but you’ll be better off in a few years when you are with somebody you can trust. You sound like a lovely person. Somebody out there is the one for you. This guy isn’t it.

I had a similar experience, where my partner/child’s father told me he didn’t love or fancy me any more. He said there was no one else.
Guess what? There was. Don’t be quick to dismiss that your husband hasn’t me another woman (or man).
You did the right thing by having a break. Let us know how you get on.

He’s just not that into you. Tell him it’s over. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you. Hold your head high and move on.
It’s a tragedy and awful, but all you can do is let him go.

I think it's bullshit he doesn't fancy her. He fancied her enough to get her pregnant recently. He's met someone else and decided he'd prefer to be single and not have responsibilities.

I think to quote ‘the specials ‘you’ve done too much, much too young’. I’ve been there - by 28 I was divorced , basically my ex never got to live the life of single bloke with friends and neither did I.

Never trust anyone who swears on someone's life, especially their children's.

Your replies just show how young and immature you are.

Sorry but agree with the others, swearing in a child's life is honestly rule number 4 in the cheaters handbook. Who in their right mind would do that?

I suspect he feels he's settled down too early. The honeymoon period has worn off and he's bored with domestic life and just wants to hang out with his mates again and have fun. I'm sorry. You sound lovely.

Ah OP, you deserve so much better than him. He treats you like crap, out smoking and drinking with friends, just leaving your and your child, saying horrible things, and more!

You should not be waiting for him to see if he still wants you! Have some self respect. He has most probably started an affair or wants to start one with a particular someone. Leave him. Don’t sit around and wait for this loser.

What is your house situation? Own, rent, both names?

You sound so mature and you've really got your head screwed on straight, he sounds like a typical 20 something lad. I agree with the others who said it was probably too much too soon. I've been there, I met my ex husband at 14, we were engaged at 19, married at 21, had our first baby at 25 and a second at 30, but were divorced by 38 because he wanted to live out his youth that he never got to do when were young. Very sad, but at least you're young enough to eventually find your true happiness.

As for if there's someone else, I don't know but I'll go with the majority who say there usually is unfortunately. The swearing on kids lives though isn't always a red flag, I have a friend who does this, she uses it when she knows she's telling the truth, that's her cast iron guarantee that you can believe her! If pushed into a corner I'd maybe do it, but ONLY if I was purer than the driven snow in terms of whatever it was I was being accused of as I am too scared of tempting fate to do it if I was lying. Only you know him though, and either way it's a moot point really because he's told you how he feels and I don't know how you can come back from that. I hope you gain the strength to walk away and find the happiness you deserve.