Husband has said he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Wgal2008]

I decided to give posting a go. So basically I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. We have a beautiful daughter who’s 3 and I’m pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met and moved in together on the second date just absolutely smitten and he followed me all over the country with uni and my summer job I did. Our family’s get on great. We have a lovely big house, nice cars and go out often on dates. Everything seemed perfect and felt perfect. I thought I’d finally found my happy ending after not such a happy childhood. I believed we were soul mates we had so much in common and got together when I was just 18 and never looked back. We got married earlier this year and have been nothing but happy but just lately I’ve felt something was wrong. (This is where it goes downhill) Saturday this week I planned a whole day out for us to spend time together and have fun. We both work long 40-50 hour weeks so I like to make the effort to have fun on Saturday and relax and chill Sunday. We went for lunch, looked around shops at fun Halloween stuff. Walked our dogs and I suggested a takeaway. What I thought was a perfect Saturday. But no. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really. Even acknowledging the baby hasn’t happened yet really. Although he came to the scan he wasn’t really there. So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. Silly me has tried harder and harder to be fun and make the most of weekends and have family time. Saturday night I broke down to tears and explained how damaged my confidence is from the way he’s been towards me. He’s been drinking lots. Started smoking and goes and sees his friends a lot and sport. I let him do as he pleases he’s a grown man. Our money is seperate and I’m a very easy going wife to be honest but I do get lonely. Even time together seems to be lonely. Soooo anyway I explained to him how I feel and ended up getting him to explain why. He said he feels sad and empty and fed up. I thought he was depressed so suggested he visit his mum and dad and get their advice. Anyway long story short he did and I had a long night alone again being left to do everything but my main concern was him and his wellbeing so the next day we had a day out and date evening at the cinema to see the film he wanted and all the snacks no expense spared and then went bed and everything seemed better. Monday I came home from work and so did he. Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual and I begin to worry. I text his mum and dad to ask what they think about his mental health and what I or we should do to help and their reply was nice but very relationship related and personal to me. I confronted him nicely when he came home and asked what’s wrong with our relationship and that’s when it came out he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s bored and doesn’t enjoy my company and he doesn’t know why. Bombshell. So I talked it through. We went round in circles and now I’ve sent him to his mums to think about if he wants me or not and I need to know by Friday as I can’t go on feeling this sick and anxious pregnant. The more time apart I have the more I’m worried if I can forgive him and get over the knock to my confidence and our relationship. I’m early 20s and look after myself. His friends say he’s punching not that I’m amazing but it just doesn’t make sense. He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it. Please help. Do I take him back and try harder?? We’re still together and texting loads but I just can’t believe that he could feel this way and do this to me for months now and so early into marriage which was his idea!!!

"So that’s been how I’ve been treated for the past weeks maybe even months. "

• is when he met and started with OW.

"Scoffed his dinner and went out. Wasn’t home until later than usual"

• is when he was with OW.

". He wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold me hand, kiss me, hug me or anything really."

• is because he is into OW and not you.

So sorry OP, but you are describing what every cheated on wife before you recognises instantly.

He's 100% cheating!!
The second you mentioned he swore on your Daughters life that screamed it even louder!

Ask any woman you know with children that has been cheated on if HE swore on the kids lives! You'll soon see a pattern emerge...

Men can emotionally detach from words, so he absolutely will not believe your daughter will lose her life over this lie....

Hey everyone. Not logged on in a while as working at it. He’s been trying really hard and stuff and it seems to be ok. I don’t think there’s someone else there’s just no signs of it money wise or phone wise. I sound dumb but I don’t know how he would have time unless it was at work and he works in a male dominated industry. Time will tell. For now I’m just seeing how it goes and if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out which is not what I planned obviously I married for the forever part but my family are so supportive. I’m really lucky to have my family and friends, I wouldn’t be alone and the house is in my name but that’s not the point Itd be our life plans thrown away but like my mum says “don’t take any shit” so that’s me right now riding the waves of emotion about what felt like a bad dream and seeing if we get through this rough patch and at least if he leaves me I know I tried my best. I’ve taken a back seat effort wise and am doing kind of my own thing. He’s doing a lot of sport in the week but family go so I’m sure he goes there. Overtime is still a lot but I guess he needs the money? Sounds naive but his job requires overtime to do well but we will see. Still feel lost and confused but know I’ll be ok worse case scenario I’m just keeping note of red flags like asking for help with childcare today. Putting my foot down on paying More than I should when it should be equal and he did get funny about me looking at his bank and what he earns that’s the only red flag so far. He said it was embarrassing and I was acting like a mum. I’ve checked his bank once in 5 years so not really haha!!. He’s out tonight which he seems to do once a week but to be honest I’m so hurt by it all I’m just sitting back and watching how it all pans out and trying to do well at work for my career and putting my energy into my training so I can provide for me and toddler and newborn comfortably and maybe even get a mortgage in the future! :) trying to be positive

OP, I just want to send you a hug. You deserve so much better than this immature selfish man - I hope you come to recognise your own qualities, and stop wasting your optimism, energy and love on such a loser.
I hope he either grows up bloody quickly and realises what an amazing wife he has, or you realise you can replace him with a decent man who will give you the love you deserve. God bless.

You say you can5 see when he would have the chance to see someone else, but already you’ve said he has a weekly night out with friends and does regular overtime, both of which would give him time to cheat. I’m so sorry op that you’re going through this, especially with a baby on the way. Sounds like you have a good support network around you, which will help immensely, they will be your saviour through this. I’ve been through this and trust me, they will do and say things that you absolutely never thought they’d be capable of. Prepare yourself financially and practically because he may already be preparing an exit route. x

He’s insistent that there’s no one else and has assured me so that’s not it

So not only has he been hurtful towards you, he's a liar also.

You sound mature and considerate. He sounds immature and petulant. What comes across very clearly is how much of your thought and energy is being directed into working on this relationship - do you think he is doing as much (not a rhetorical question, I really think it's worth thinking about). You are getting mostly stress and anxiety out of this relationship and you deserve better.

Thank you for your kind messages. If he does go I’m looking after myself financially yes and just being careful. Maybe the whole situation was a heads up. My family love him and just can’t believe it but they keep saying you would meet someone else in a heartbeat so don’t stay not to be lonely. I think they’re struggling to forgive him too and we’re all a bit suspicious. I’m just glad they all know. They build me back up and make me feel like I’m not going insane haha. Lots of love x

We have had an amazing relationship and whirlwind romance after both being cheated on by our exes a long while before we met

You met when you were 18 so I'm guessing these problems with your "exes" long ago were when you were 16 or something? The real problem here is you got together when you were basically kids.

I'm so sorry but again I would think he is either cheating or wants to.

As you have no idea how much he earns or should earn, you have no idea if he is actually at work doing 'overtime' this could be the time he is seeing the OW (If this is the case) or on his one night out a week.

If you have stopped doing all the arranging of time together has he stepped up and is he doing it so you have time together or has he sort of drifted off into his own thing?

He's doing a lot of sport in the week, a lot of overtime and he is out once a week and you don't know when he has time to cheat?

You texted his parents, concerned about his mental health and they texted you back talking about your relationship.

Your mother has told you not to take any shit.

Everybody around you knows. You are just refusing to acknowledge it until your cowardly little weasel of a husband tells you himself.

You’ve dismissed the likely reason - you say you’re old fashioned & so getting together so young/having kids isn’t an issue. But it will be this that is the crux of the issue. Too much, too young.

Also referring to “ex’s” when you must have been in your early to mid-teens is odd to me. Those were childhood high school type relationships. Hardly an adult relationship & a real “ex”.

No your right our exes where when we we were teens but not anything relevant to do with anything to be honest

I stopped reading when you said you moved in together on your second date

Forget the age thing too please as irrelevant for myself. Maybe for his reasons but I’m very academic and have always been mature minded. Our daughter has everything she could wish for and more and is excelling at preschool top of everything and hopefully the next baby is Healthy and happy too. I live for my children and always wanted them young so it would have happened with or without him to Be honest. When I’m 38 I’ll have a 21 and 18 year old and that sounds fab to me! Just such a shame at the possibility of not growing old together that’s what the forum is really about I guess and wondering what to do but obviously I’ve taken the sticking at it route. If I get walked all over I’ll ask him to leave. If he leaves me that’s that. Hopefully not but that’s what it boils down to. I really love him and that’s why. He’s been making a lot of effort and I’m just hoping it carries on. He’s been pretty great and speaking to me nicely and affectionate so I’m happy at this present time. Every relationship has blips hopefully we will be stronger and this has just been miscommunication. I just think it’d be awful to jump to affair when I have no evidence or reason to believe. (Other than the strange situation) he may possibly have just had a mental health blip. If some evidence came out he had been even speaking to someone that’d be the nail in the coffin for me. It shows i really want us to work out as I would be much better financially as a single mum as awful as that is it’s true but I’m with him as a family unit. Time will tell. It’s a waiting game unfortunately x

I don’t get why people are picking on my thread now? Yes we were inseparable after our second date and been happy for 5 years. We’re just having issues. Nothing nice to say don’t say it??..

He said he no longer finds you attractive which is a pretty big issue & people are only stating the obvious. I doubt many people on here would be overjoyed at their 18 year old shacking up with someone on date 2 & having kids so young. Because we know how much people grow in their teens & early 20s... who you are at 25, what you want out of life can change drastically. I think you’re confusing how you feel with your husband & assuming he must feel the same because it’s how you feel. The fact you don’t think he has time to meet someone else when he is out of the house with sport & “overtime” & you have no access to his bank account doesn’t look great for you.

I think you feel like you are incredibly mature & have life all worked out, but your youth & naivety is showing.

I had a very similar situation with my ex. We met at 17 and did everything at double time too. It didn't work. They rarely do... everyone thinks they'll be the one that does; but sadly, there's a reason that it falls apart.

It’s a waiting game unfortunately

Only if you want it to be. I fell into the trap of waiting, letting him make the call; doing anything I could to keep us together. I left him have the time he wanted and believed every time he said there was no one else.

He did come back. It was horrendous. The love was never the same. We struggled on. I ended it; in the end. I wish I'd had the balls to do it initially, when it was clear that he didn't feel the same anymore. He said all the same things. He was bored, I was lonely, he didn't know why he didn't feel the same.

I've talked to a lot of people since. This always seems to play out the same and people who have seen it often can even guess how long you tried after that initial chat. I talked to a relationship counsellor who could! And who told me that those were the fatal words, and that expecting it to heal was unrealistic. I should have left. In a strange twist of fate, staying proved his point... he didn't care. He tried to be decent but wasn't, it made it more dull and mundane; he felt more trapped.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

YOU ARE CARRYING HIS CHILD and he has said this to you?... that is putting your unborn child at risk and is extremely selfish

He's a prick but how does him saying what he has put his child at risk? I'm confused

I wasn’t aware unkind comments cause miscarriage.

Hire a really good solicitor and ensure that you keep that house and the assets you brought to the marriage. You'll need this to support your 2 children. He sounds like he'll quickly flake on any real practical or financial support.

Do this quickly, if there is an OW she will be (from what he's told/shown her) expecting a certain lifestyle out of him and he will be keen not to disappoint - I'm certain that he hasn't told her that the "lifestyle" comes from your family.

Get the divorce and finances settled as quickly in your favour as possible. These guys have a habit of turning on you when they no longer feel guilty.

Don't agree to 50/50 childcare, when this topic comes up - and it will. If it wasn't 50/50 before, the only reason he'll want it now is child maintenance and divorce settlement. Oldest trick in the divorce book.

Grit your teeth and fight for what's yours. You can do it. 👩‍👦‍👦

Hi OP, sounds like you have a game plan, which is great. I'm glad you've reduced the effort in terms of arranging dates, etc. Although sounds like he is out of the home a lot, so you are doing most of the child and home care in your own. Not ideal. And, yes, he should be contributing equally (or more if he earns more) to the finances. I'd be wary, personally.
You are, also, absolutely right--the plus side to having kids young is as you said, they'll be young adults when you are in your late thirties.:)
The idea of training and looking after yourself financially is brilliant. Sounds like you'll have plenty of support should you become a single mum.
I will also say that it seems better for the children to split when they are young (below school age) than when they are older when the impact on them emotionally is remembered and permanent.
And, can I just say, I know you love this man but you don't need him.
Hope things work out.

"I wasn’t aware unkind comments cause miscarriage."

Stress can cause a miscarriage. I should know....

Wow. That level of insensitivity is a real turn off. OP, don't put up with that. Don't try to ''win'' back his desire. Say right so, or if he has a miraculous strange change of heart and sudden reattraction when he sees that you accept that with a shrug, say ''no thank you'' to it instead.