Hi
I love my boyfriend of 18 months very much, we're both 39, and been trying for a baby but he keeps having wobbles and I'm finding it unsettling (I'm childless, so feels like last chance saloon!).
We had a deleriously lovely first five months when I was thinking my god, he's the one, and he loves me too, it's all so simple! He was super keen on me, super affectionate, and I've never found someone whose company I love so much, he makes me laugh almost round the clock.
Then I found out he'd cheated on me with two women (casual sex, met one once, the other twice) within the first three months of our relationship. He told me five months in about the first because he'd given me an STI (slept with both with no condom - disgusted he could risk my health like that) and I recently found out about the second from snooping.
We were long distance at the time (I'd moved away for work a month after meeting) which was not easy with trust issues. I got anxious and insecure, and picked many fights with him and pushed him away. But we held on and moved in together after eight months.
I know he couldn't be more sorry (seen him cry and have panic attacks when I've been punishing towards him). He's stuck with me despite the ups and downs, I feel he really loves me. I believe there's been no straying since, he's been open and transparent and done everything to reassure me (well there were some lies/half truths/ommissions along the way, but he came clean, has his phone, social media open etc). I do think he's a good egg (he's not a good liar) who made a mistake. (I've questioned his self control though, he got his 'fuck buddy' pregnant he'd known for three weeks, they have a teenager, and he's gone through life not using condoms having casual sex as they make him lose his erection?!)
We've had many heart to hearts about why he did it (been hurt and cheated on by past fiance, had quite a pessimistic view that everyone on dating sites is shagging around early days, he feels very anxious when falling in love and believed I was doing the same). I believe he really wants a happy, healthy relationship and see how hard he's tried to please me (he runs around after me a lot, he's kind).
I've had a hard look at myself - I was near hysterical at times irrationally. I'm 39 and I've lost all my family, dad wasn't around, my mum died young of cancer - possibly have an anxious attachment style (though I behave secure when not triggered). I've not found the right man to have children with, had fallen into a bit of a depression a couple of years before thinking I'd left it too late. Knew I didn't want to settle, or have children alone. Picked myself up but had almost assigned myself that it was too late then I met my boyfriend and it reignited hope. I just wanted to meet someone I really adored who was ready to settle down and make it amazing.
But had to face facts, I can walk away if it's too imperfect/anxiety inducing (life isn't always a fairytale?), but I really love him and I thought I'm not going to let early day mistakes ruin what we've got. And love is forgiving someone, and giving yourself peace. So I had some therapy and things have been a lot calmer.
The first time I sat him down and told him I'd like a child with him and I'd never felt like I loved being with someone enough to make that commitment, I expected it to be a romantic moment (having dinner by candlelight!). He said yes me too then began to list all he negatives, how much hard work they are etc. I've been upset by his negative reaction a bunch of times I brought it up, but I also figured I'd picked the wrong time as we were so up and down. He reassured me that if we were stable he'll be fine. Said he doesn't feel a burning desire for a child as he has one, but if I want one, he's up for it.
So with things calmer, we began trying for a baby in July. But three out of the last four months when it's ovulation time he's had wobbles and we've not had sex. He brought yup the instability of our relationship again. I felt frustrated as we were calm, but I get that, we have been, and I know it's still early days (I wish I was 30 and could take our time). I've tried to be patient over the last few months, to show him a side to me he'd not seen too much of, and I sat and listened to his fears calmly. He said he feels more confident we're a strong team now and could handle the stress of a baby.
Thought we'd reached a turning point, but he had a wobble again this month. Again I stayed calm, and asked him what he's afraid of.... he poured a lot out... he says he shouted at our whiny dog the other day and what if he's a bad tempered parent? (Like his dad, he was near abusive to him as a child and they don't speak). Listed all the negatives of having kids... financial constraints, says he actually just likes a quiet life, stress, sleepless nights. What if the baby is a total brat like his younger sister? She ruined every family holiday. That the overall responsibility seems overwhelming, he's never done full time dad and you can't escape. Says me telling him when I'm ovulating is pressure. Then told me not to worry though he's on board!
I said ok, but this past week I've realised I've been struggling for months with motivation, I've started smoking on and off, not been the gym, putting on weight, not being as productive at work. Sat him down (calmly) and told him I feel I'm slipping into depression (it's bringing on grief again I may end up childless). I'm trying to hold his hand and talk him through his fears, but I can't help feeling anxious and unsure he's really on board with a child. He reacted badly and told me I've being OTT, and that's a problem for him, how can we have a child when things aren't stable. It's too pressure. I said I can't help feeling a panic at 39 0 I have endometriosis, and fibroids, two things that can affect fertility and we loved each other, we just need to crack on now! I suggested he has therapy to figure out if he wants another child or not; his wobbles appear not just about us but wider issues. I suggested holding off trying for a few months, he said no, he does want a family, I just need to be patient with him.
I don't want to have a child with someone I've forced into. And I'm worried about whether he will turn out like a family man if we did have a baby, or if his heart would only half be in it. He isn't close with his son, but he's a teen so it's hard to know what to read into that, boyfriend does try, and the ex is a bit difficult. I figured I'd get over the early day cheating if he gave me the security I craved and was keen to start a family. It's not just about the end goal of a baby, I want to feel that bond of wanting to take that leap together and I feel he just keeps setting us back. I've shown him calm and stable. It's like catch 22: we get calm, we try move forward, he wobbles, I get upset and he blames me getting upset! He says I need to grow up and not expect a fairytale and have an adult relationship and put the work in.
Do I walk away? Is this just not meant to be - can a man this reluctant turn out to be happy being a parent? (Probably is my last chance at kids, but equally I'd rather miss out than not be in the right situation). Do I try to calm my anxieties down and try hold his hand through it? Am I being too sensitive?