Boyfriend's wobbles trying for a baby

[sugarlips2015]

Hi

I love my boyfriend of 18 months very much, we're both 39, and been trying for a baby but he keeps having wobbles and I'm finding it unsettling (I'm childless, so feels like last chance saloon!).

We had a deleriously lovely first five months when I was thinking my god, he's the one, and he loves me too, it's all so simple! He was super keen on me, super affectionate, and I've never found someone whose company I love so much, he makes me laugh almost round the clock.

Then I found out he'd cheated on me with two women (casual sex, met one once, the other twice) within the first three months of our relationship. He told me five months in about the first because he'd given me an STI (slept with both with no condom - disgusted he could risk my health like that) and I recently found out about the second from snooping.

We were long distance at the time (I'd moved away for work a month after meeting) which was not easy with trust issues. I got anxious and insecure, and picked many fights with him and pushed him away. But we held on and moved in together after eight months.

I know he couldn't be more sorry (seen him cry and have panic attacks when I've been punishing towards him). He's stuck with me despite the ups and downs, I feel he really loves me. I believe there's been no straying since, he's been open and transparent and done everything to reassure me (well there were some lies/half truths/ommissions along the way, but he came clean, has his phone, social media open etc). I do think he's a good egg (he's not a good liar) who made a mistake. (I've questioned his self control though, he got his 'fuck buddy' pregnant he'd known for three weeks, they have a teenager, and he's gone through life not using condoms having casual sex as they make him lose his erection?!)

We've had many heart to hearts about why he did it (been hurt and cheated on by past fiance, had quite a pessimistic view that everyone on dating sites is shagging around early days, he feels very anxious when falling in love and believed I was doing the same). I believe he really wants a happy, healthy relationship and see how hard he's tried to please me (he runs around after me a lot, he's kind).

I've had a hard look at myself - I was near hysterical at times irrationally. I'm 39 and I've lost all my family, dad wasn't around, my mum died young of cancer - possibly have an anxious attachment style (though I behave secure when not triggered). I've not found the right man to have children with, had fallen into a bit of a depression a couple of years before thinking I'd left it too late. Knew I didn't want to settle, or have children alone. Picked myself up but had almost assigned myself that it was too late then I met my boyfriend and it reignited hope. I just wanted to meet someone I really adored who was ready to settle down and make it amazing.

But had to face facts, I can walk away if it's too imperfect/anxiety inducing (life isn't always a fairytale?), but I really love him and I thought I'm not going to let early day mistakes ruin what we've got. And love is forgiving someone, and giving yourself peace. So I had some therapy and things have been a lot calmer.

The first time I sat him down and told him I'd like a child with him and I'd never felt like I loved being with someone enough to make that commitment, I expected it to be a romantic moment (having dinner by candlelight!). He said yes me too then began to list all he negatives, how much hard work they are etc. I've been upset by his negative reaction a bunch of times I brought it up, but I also figured I'd picked the wrong time as we were so up and down. He reassured me that if we were stable he'll be fine. Said he doesn't feel a burning desire for a child as he has one, but if I want one, he's up for it.

So with things calmer, we began trying for a baby in July. But three out of the last four months when it's ovulation time he's had wobbles and we've not had sex. He brought yup the instability of our relationship again. I felt frustrated as we were calm, but I get that, we have been, and I know it's still early days (I wish I was 30 and could take our time). I've tried to be patient over the last few months, to show him a side to me he'd not seen too much of, and I sat and listened to his fears calmly. He said he feels more confident we're a strong team now and could handle the stress of a baby.

Thought we'd reached a turning point, but he had a wobble again this month. Again I stayed calm, and asked him what he's afraid of.... he poured a lot out... he says he shouted at our whiny dog the other day and what if he's a bad tempered parent? (Like his dad, he was near abusive to him as a child and they don't speak). Listed all the negatives of having kids... financial constraints, says he actually just likes a quiet life, stress, sleepless nights. What if the baby is a total brat like his younger sister? She ruined every family holiday. That the overall responsibility seems overwhelming, he's never done full time dad and you can't escape. Says me telling him when I'm ovulating is pressure. Then told me not to worry though he's on board!

I said ok, but this past week I've realised I've been struggling for months with motivation, I've started smoking on and off, not been the gym, putting on weight, not being as productive at work. Sat him down (calmly) and told him I feel I'm slipping into depression (it's bringing on grief again I may end up childless). I'm trying to hold his hand and talk him through his fears, but I can't help feeling anxious and unsure he's really on board with a child. He reacted badly and told me I've being OTT, and that's a problem for him, how can we have a child when things aren't stable. It's too pressure. I said I can't help feeling a panic at 39 0 I have endometriosis, and fibroids, two things that can affect fertility and we loved each other, we just need to crack on now! I suggested he has therapy to figure out if he wants another child or not; his wobbles appear not just about us but wider issues. I suggested holding off trying for a few months, he said no, he does want a family, I just need to be patient with him.

I don't want to have a child with someone I've forced into. And I'm worried about whether he will turn out like a family man if we did have a baby, or if his heart would only half be in it. He isn't close with his son, but he's a teen so it's hard to know what to read into that, boyfriend does try, and the ex is a bit difficult. I figured I'd get over the early day cheating if he gave me the security I craved and was keen to start a family. It's not just about the end goal of a baby, I want to feel that bond of wanting to take that leap together and I feel he just keeps setting us back. I've shown him calm and stable. It's like catch 22: we get calm, we try move forward, he wobbles, I get upset and he blames me getting upset! He says I need to grow up and not expect a fairytale and have an adult relationship and put the work in.

Do I walk away? Is this just not meant to be - can a man this reluctant turn out to be happy being a parent? (Probably is my last chance at kids, but equally I'd rather miss out than not be in the right situation). Do I try to calm my anxieties down and try hold his hand through it? Am I being too sensitive?

OP, did you expect we'd be tripping over ourselves to tell you what a good idea this was?!

You have no idea if people here are doctors or not actually. And frankly you sound misinformed about MS, either that or wilfully ignorant about the effect it can have on you.

Knowingly having a child against someone else's wishes and having a child when there is a significant chance you will be unable to care for them is utterly selfish.

MS Society on 'benign' MS :
The term isn't recommended as it can only describe your past experience of MS, not whether you might relapse in the future

www.mssociety.org.uk/about-ms/types-of-ms/benign-ms

It's the harsh reality of having a serious health condition. Sometimes we can't have the things we want the most. I have a progressive and debilitating health condition and am seriously considering whether to have children at all. I risk passing it on or not being able to meet their needs (thus neglecting them). I certainly wouldn't expect other people (friends, family, neighbours etc.) to do the bulk of raising the children I chose to have.

How would you cope as a lone parent if you did have a serious relapse (entirely possible regardless of the 'benign' misnomer)? Have you even considered the possibility?

You do not have a partner that is supportive, in agreement with you or even faithful. In what world is bringing a baby into that a good idea?

You are calling pp nasty and ignorant but that's how you're behaving here frankly. Also, no one here has come across as stupid in any way. You've gotten plenty of solid advice but have your blinkers on. Oh well...

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. MN is like that sometimes and you have to take the rough with the smooth in here.

When I read your post, I saw this:

Firstly, the lack of stability comes from him.
He cheated.
He caused you to doubt, as a direct result of his actions and whilst you shouldn't punish him for it, he has to accept that his actions have consequences.

And secondly, he doesn't seem to want a child. He keeps having wobbles at the precise time you are ovulating. This says alot. Whether it's a conscious or sub-conscious thing, I'm afraid it seems quite clear he doesn't want one.

I understand the pressing need to have a child. You're 39. You have multiple health issues that make things even harder. But I think you genuinely need to sit down and think about having a child with this man.

It's a pretty turbulent time. If this man is wobbling at the first mention of ovulation do you really think hes going to stay strong when baby has colic? Or sleep is at a minimum? What if he has to look after you whilst you're ill and baby too? Will he stay? Could he cope?

Unfortunately, even if you do feel he could do this, you can't make someone have babies with you. Perhaps then, with your need for speed in mind, you should set a limit in your head. If he hasn't stabilised by a certain date, you should call it a day? After all, by that point, he would have made it clear whether he was ready or not.

Click the little down arrow right at the top of the page, it’s like a white chevron in a blue circle, to the right of where it says relationships. When you click it some options should drop down, choose hide this thread then go and Do something nice and try and forget about the people who have taken great joy in trying to humiliate you.

Oh for goodness sake. Do not be so bloody stupid. Christ. Get rid of him.

He's stuck with me despite the ups and downs – EEERRRR WHAT?
You stuck with him, despite knowing he’s a liar and a cheat who put your sexual health at risk
I do think he's a good egg – WOW really!? Re-read your opening post and really re-think this statement.
who made a mistake – Nope – he shagged other women 3 times and lied about it. That’s calculation and not a mistake – you don’t mistakenly fall into someone else’s vagina!
So he has all these concerns but he still did exactly the same to you!
And love is forgiving someone – it’s also respecting someone enough not to go shagging around condomless in the early honeymoon phase of a relationship.
I said ok, but this past week I've realised I've been struggling for months with motivation – I’m not surprised. Being with this fuckwit has taken its toll. Depression is setting in.
I suggested he has therapy to figure out if he wants – I think that you should get some therapy. A baby seems very important, and rightly so. But not with this guy.
Do I walk away? – Yes – and HELL YES again
You leave if you've an ounce of self respect – your words OP and they are spot on.
I have self respect and know my worth – I beg to differ. You could be over a year further on with your life with the right guy if you’d have kicked him to the curb when he gave you an STD and cheated on you 3 times!
Rose tinted glasses need to come off OP.
Fast!!!

@Karwomannghia

I don't see any joy or humiliation here. Only a woman willing to bring a child into an environment of emotional instability and likely neglect. Seen the outcome of that trauma enough times without OP adding to it.

To look at it from a different perspective, if you want to keep trying, go into it with your eyes open. Be aware that the relationship with your partner may not last, but your relationship with your child lasts forever. This is a better situation for your child than a sperm donor, but you would need to build in lots of safeguards for the baby - from life insurance for you to a support network if the worst were to happen with your health. Go into it thinking the worst and the best might just surprise you.

Dear god OP.

Your thoughts regarding him are deluded.

But I wish you all the best

This is all deluded. I hope you wake up one day. Good luck OP. I made the mistake of having a child with the wrong person and it doesn't work out well.

OP, I really feel for you. I too have endometriosis and adenomyosis along with other chronic illnesses and I found it very difficult to make the decision to try for a baby, but I had been married for 5 years by then, together for 9 years and had a very stable relationship.

Which is lucky, because I ended up conceiving twins and both of them are disabled. The pregnancy has worsened my health significantly and without DH’s support I literally would not cope.

I say this only to help you, but he doesn’t want a baby. He’s putting you off, telling you he’ll be ready soon - he’s waiting out your fertility. With the conditions you have, you have limited time, please don’t waste it waiting for this man to reluctantly agree to have a baby. I suspect he will never be ready but even if he is, I fear you cannot rely on him to be an equal parent and honestly you may need more than that if your health deteriorates.

I’m also alarmed by the justifications you make about how he’s behaved - there is no excuse for the things he has done, and he is oreespo

I understand that the desire for a baby can cloud judgement but there’s a good reason that the replies here are all consistently negative - objectively this is not a good situation for you to be in, let alone a baby.

I don't think he's ready for a stable relationship, never mind a baby. I don't think being with other people at the start of a relationship is a particularly bad thing, if you haven't had a conversation about being exclusive then it's ok, so long as both people know. I think you've probably overreacted by 'punishing him' for it. Not using condoms is another issue and that deserved a dumping.

I don't think you're good for each other, you're at completely different parts of your life. I don't think that's all his fault tbh.

Wow yeah, you’ve really sold this guy, he sounds like such a catch .

I would rather use a sperm donor and be a single Mother than put up with a vile piece of shit like that. He gave you a fucking STI, why did you even stick around?!

OP isn't going to come back.

She came on here expecting us all to give her some magic trick that will get him on board with wanting a baby with her.

OP if you read this it's disturbing as you have put him on some sort of extremely high pedestal where you just brush off his actions as he is kind to you & runs round after you? Erm of course he's going to do that so he gets leg over with you, which sounds like he is very fond of with his past antics.

His actions are also clearly displaying the fact that he doesn't want another child ?! Why the f**k have you posted here when he is being so negative about this? It's clear he doesn't want a baby.

You aren't willing to listen to any of the responses on here & you are just batting them off with saying 'people aren't black & white & everyone makes mistakes' etc .

I think You need to go back to therapy OP.

I'm hoping that you won't be back on MN stating that you are struggling being a single parent & MS but if you carry on with your head in the clouds I feel that that's the inevitable.

Seriously 🤦‍♀️

The only decent thing about this man is that he is avoiding getting you pregnant.

You really need to wake up about the whole situation.

I despair sometimes, I really do.

This is so sad to see. Please don't bring a baby into this. You can't force a man to want a child they will never really want them then never really bother.

❤️

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm going to come at it from a different perspective.

I was 38 when I met DH and we both said we wanted children. He has a disability which, at the moment is relatively stable but it does mean he can't work and would have a significant impact on any children we would potentially have (he wouldn't be able to care for them while I was at work for a sustained period of time).

We had to make the decision that for us children won't be possible. It's a hard decision and it's completely floored me as I left my ex due to him stringing me along about wanting kids (when deep down he didn't want to give up the lifestyle he was used to).

As another poster said, sometimes we can't have everything we want. It's hard but we talked about it honestly (as one day he will need additional care needs) and we both agreed it's best for us as a couple. I didn't want to leave a good man for this reason (especially as like you the clock was ticking and there was no guarantee I would find someone else).

I know at the moment you say things are stable but you can't see what will happen in the future. And in all honesty, it doesn't sound like this man wants children, he is saying what you want to hear.