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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not ‘allowed’ out

160 replies

allymcbeal1 · 21/10/2019 15:23

My live in partner has lots of issues with me going out (perhaps 1-2 times) a month with other mums from my dd’s class for a meal or to go to cinema. He says it isn’t right to go out after 8 without him. I work full time and raise my child (from ex husband) and this hassle is wearing me down. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 12:04

9am on Sunday not the best hour for glass of wine!! A new start - back to work on Monday and dc back at school. After 2 years of this we can just be ourselves!

OP posts:
Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 12:05

As I said he is charming and good qualities as well hardworking etc but they all count for nothing if future means can never ever go out again!!!

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 23/10/2019 12:11

You're doing incredibly well op, often people know it's wrong bit just keep trying.

TarMcAdam · 23/10/2019 12:11

*but

Clangus00 · 23/10/2019 12:14

Good for you OP!

TarMcAdam · 23/10/2019 12:17

I know this might sound over-cautious especially if he hasn't been violent before but extremely controlling behaviour like this is a red flag for men who 'snap' when their object of control tries to leave

Another vote for being careful when extracting yourself op, might be best to have company/someone at hand at crucial times.

cauliflowersqueeze · 23/10/2019 12:17

Well done, OP!!!

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 12:18

Won’t be easy. I have a big birthday coming up in 6 months and thought - there will be issues with a party and already been arguments about having a spa weekend - life is too short. It will be hard but will do it!

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Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 12:19

Yes brother and sister staying at weekend and dc will be with exh so good timing from that pt of view.

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Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 12:22

It sounds like I am a party animal literally do school run go to work supermarket and apart from about once a month stay in - dc never asleep before 9 then it’s an hours tv and am shattered. Irony is I am a home bird!! But home will be a less stressed place once he goes!

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InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 23/10/2019 12:31

Feel very relieved that you've made the decision and are going to get rid of him, however please be careful until he's actually gone as I'd worry that he might turn nasty.

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/10/2019 12:40

Go you! So happy to hear he's got his marching orders. Your bright new future awaits

Lentilbug · 23/10/2019 12:55

Congratulations OP. Enjoy your freedom Wine

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2019 13:09

Be prepared for him to change his mind at the last minute and say he can't go for some reason. These sorts like to say 'fine, I'm off!' to call your bluff and then when they realise you aren't fussed, change tactics and decide not to leave, depriving you of your near freedom at the last moment.

Might be wise to book a locksmith for that day, so that as soon as he leaves he can't just waltz back in.

Coyoacan · 23/10/2019 13:34

Great news, OP. I also suggest you plan a few more outings for the next month and invite people round, because you will miss the nice side of him when he is gone.

FinallyHere · 23/10/2019 13:47

Well done for spotting it @allymcbeal1 and doing something about it.

Think about changing the locks as soon as he is gone. No one wants to come home to any 'surprises'

HuggedTree · 23/10/2019 14:20

Huge well done on asking him to go, you owe him nothing and he will only get more and more controlling. Tell all your family/friends as many people as you can and have them come round and stay from today. Make sure he knows that everyone knows so he can’t Touch you or any stuff. Make sure your bank cards and passports and any valuables go to your family.
And Thankyou to your lovely family for trying to help you see his behaviour. Stay safe.

NewName4Mee · 23/10/2019 14:42

Hes a controlling freak.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 25/10/2019 12:08

Thanks to all your advice. He is booked to go. Of course have doubts and he is saying he won’t say anything if go out but he doesn’t think it it right. Have to be strong and consider that I need someone who understands need for friends and female company. I have been ill too with anaemia and sorry he can’t understand that a few nice meals or treats would be good for me. As I said before I work very hard and try to be the best mum so need to remember can go not alone and future will be easier x

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Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 25/10/2019 12:09

That should be go it alone - Freudian slip - as I said have a few niggles but sticking to my guns!

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hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2019 12:12

he won’t say anything if go out but he doesn’t think it it right
No he won't. He punish you with stonewalling abuse - guaranteed!
sorry he can’t understand that a few nice meals or treats would be good for me
What do you mean by this?
Does he try to control what you eat as well????

Please do some work yourself once he has gone before getting involved with any one else.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 25/10/2019 12:13

Thanks you are right - by treats me a facial or having a shopping trip etc. I am a homebod but want freedom to decide what to do

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Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 25/10/2019 12:14

Another relationship not on my priority list at all - have not been single for 25 years so need a break!

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katseyes7 · 25/10/2019 12:16

My in laws were like this. My (ex) husband once told me that his mam had wanted to do something, but his dad said no, and "she abided by his wishes."
l made him a cup of tea and told him that Queen Victoria was dead. lf l were you, l'd walk. And keep walking. lt's only going to get worse.

Mix56 · 25/10/2019 12:20

Major controlling behaviour, He is isolating you, It's making you unhappy. Stop it now, if you are frightened, get someone round to support you while the separation is implemented