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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not ‘allowed’ out

160 replies

allymcbeal1 · 21/10/2019 15:23

My live in partner has lots of issues with me going out (perhaps 1-2 times) a month with other mums from my dd’s class for a meal or to go to cinema. He says it isn’t right to go out after 8 without him. I work full time and raise my child (from ex husband) and this hassle is wearing me down. Any advice?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 23/10/2019 05:11

As for the cultural aspects, we all take what we want from our cultures and discard the rest. Any decent man would have discarded this long ago. He is just a common or garden abuser

GinGym · 23/10/2019 05:58

Red flags should be waving in your face! Not healthy that he thinks this way. You both need time apart to make a relationship successful. Sounds like he wants to control you

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 09:13

Thanks folks. Don’t think it is cultural at all - he is very damaged and can’t trust people.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 23/10/2019 09:39

Could be true but this is also a well known excuse from partners to control partners, who isn’t damaged or hurt in some way, it doesn’t give anyone the right to control you.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2019 09:51

he thinks I was seeing a man!
You need to make it clear that it's entirely up to you now if you want to see another man.
He is allowed to stay in your house until next week when he leaves but he gets no say in what you do or who you see.
Make sure he knows this.

penisbeakers · 23/10/2019 09:54

Tell him to fuck off. Controlling wanksock.

pooopypants · 23/10/2019 10:38

Whose name is the house in?

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 10:46

It’s my house

OP posts:
Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 10:48

It’s my friends birthday today. He has texted my friend asking why she would suggest meeting for a meal at 8.30 and that she is covering for me. What an idiot...

OP posts:
5LeafClover · 23/10/2019 11:03

Use the momentum and the fact he is off next week to get him gone. He is not 'an idiot' he is an abusive controller and if he's ringing your friends you are probably further in than you realise.

You can act now. This is enough to end it and it us unlikely to get better for you if you don't. They are experts at putting their problems as joint problems ( but your problems are yours alone). Do not assume he will leave easily, take lots of precautions and don't put yourself in danger. Good luck.

wheresmymojo · 23/10/2019 11:14

Debts in his name won't be linked to you even though he's registered at the same house.

Since he's due to go home anyway I would dump him the day before or over the phone once he's away.

Since he's a very controlling man please consider making sure you are safe. This kind of man can flip when they think they are losing control.

That might mean you dump him over the phone whilst he's away for example. Or do it in a public place and then don't be alone with him after that (so for example have a friend or relative with you at home while he gathers his things or even better offer to drop his things to him somewhere - again with someone else).

I know this might sound over-cautious especially if he hasn't been violent before but extremely controlling behaviour like this is a red flag for men who 'snap' when their object of control tries to leave:

wheresmymojo · 23/10/2019 11:17

Also I think you think his behaviour is less serious than it is as he has made it seem almost normal.

His behaviour is extreme.

Not 'letting' you out during certain hours, calling your friends etc is extremely controlling behaviour.

I just want you to realise that this is very abusive.

Don't let him minimise it or kid yourself that he's just a bit over protective.

AmIThough · 23/10/2019 11:23

He's even abusing your friends? Wow! Have you told him it's over?

hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2019 11:26

Wow!!!
How dare he text your friend with that crap.
Tell your friend to block him.
Fucking weirdo!!!

BlingLoving · 23/10/2019 11:27

haha. I had a friend whose boyfriend tried to ban her from seeing me as I was "a bad influence". Funny though, it wasn't her or I who put our fist through a car window after a few drinks....

MzHz · 23/10/2019 11:27

He’s got to go. He’s making you look a fool by putting up with this shit.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 11:31

Yes it is over and have told him. He knows I see his behaviour for what it is. He has booked a flight home for Sunday. Looking forward to new start....

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 23/10/2019 11:37

Well done OP I know that must have been hard but you are so much better off without him Thanks

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme?

I would suggest anyone coming out of an abusive relationship take it - it's very interesting and will help you avoid getting into similar relationships in the future.

BlingLoving · 23/10/2019 11:37

If he's booked a flight home, why is he still texting your friend and complaining about days out with your mum? Are you sure he knows this is the end? Does he think he's just going for a short break? Has he really booked this flight? It all seems extremely weird to me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2019 11:38

@allymcbeal1 Great update. Well done!

So sorry you had to put up with this twit, but at least he's going home. I hope things can stay amicable until then.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 11:42

Yes he is going - have seen flight booking. He has started packing his tools (he is a handyman) and things are amicable. I think he wants to prove to himself that he was right that I am seeing someone else but it is his loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 23/10/2019 11:45

Another mum posted me details for eh programme very interesting. Things like driving too fast as a sign of a bully. All coming together now in my mind...this is a warning to others. Abusive men are so charming and this one is very handsome too. They mask their controlling behaviour by saying anything cold happen if you are out in the evening and mask it as being protective.

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 23/10/2019 11:50

He has texted my friend asking why she would suggest meeting for a meal at 8.30 and that she is covering for me.

What a paranoid, controlling, delusional, mentally unhealthy man - the sad and scary thing is that I've seen, heard and experienced similiar. It seems like about a quarter of the male population is like this (and some pretty small percentage of the female) ... All you can do is get rid and they'll become some other poor fucker's problem, for as long as they put up with it.

Windydaysuponus · 23/10/2019 11:57

Let us know what time to raise a Wine to your new start op.
Very liberating to get rid of a twat ime...

QueSera · 23/10/2019 12:04

Why are you even with this person? He sounds evil.