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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not ‘allowed’ out

160 replies

allymcbeal1 · 21/10/2019 15:23

My live in partner has lots of issues with me going out (perhaps 1-2 times) a month with other mums from my dd’s class for a meal or to go to cinema. He says it isn’t right to go out after 8 without him. I work full time and raise my child (from ex husband) and this hassle is wearing me down. Any advice?

OP posts:
RickOShay · 21/10/2019 16:03

He doesn’t want your happiness. He doesn’t want to to be the best version of you.
It’s all about him and what he needs.
Be free of that.

Blatherskite · 21/10/2019 16:05

If he works until 10 why do you need to be home from 8?

He's massively controlling and needs dumping. This is a huge red flag.

Poppinjay · 21/10/2019 16:08

What other aspects of your life does he control?

How you dress?

How you spend money?

Who you talk to?

How much you see your family?

Whether/where you work?

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 21/10/2019 16:08

It is cultural to an extent as he grew up in a more traditional east European country so that makes it difficult to ask him to leave as would be hard for him to go home and he is t financially independent to live here on his own. But you are all saying what sister and aunt and my few (remaining) close friends are saying....

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2019 16:10

He needs to be gone from your life permanently. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and this man wants absolute power and control over you.

Was your ex husband abusive also?.

Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 16:12

The cultural thing is an excuse imo, it’s about how a person is inside really, not their culture, and if it really is cultural then you just tell him that in your culture adults make their own decisions and that adults can leave the home and come back again when ever they feel like it!

mumwon · 21/10/2019 16:14

dh & I are not spring chickens Grin & he originates from a culture/country/religion where you might have expected this kind of attitude -newsflash- he doesn't have that kind of attitude! He has, in the past, looked after dc when they were young so I could visit ds in another country BY MYSELF, he has looked after dc so I could have weekends away with my female friends (because he knew I could do with a break) it wouldn't occur to him or me that I would have to ask permission - I ask/mention he does what he can - isn't that what partnerships are about?

Sicario · 21/10/2019 16:15

RED FLAG. This is the tip of the iceberg. He is controlling and abusive. Get rid of him. Don't even think about looking back.

Men like that don't change. They get worse.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2019 16:16

You are not responsible for him OP at all

Move on with your life

Sicario · 21/10/2019 16:17

If you are worried about asking him to leave, please speak to your local police and they will put a 'flag' on your address.

Men like that are at their most manipulative when you tell them it's over. They might cry, or become threatening and abusive, or threaten to harm themselves. It's part of controlling coercive behaviour.

TimeforanotherChange · 21/10/2019 16:19

It's not difficult to ask him to leave - and actually, you don't ask, you TELL. If he isn't financially independent enough to stay here without shacking up with a woman and then trying to control her, then that's his fucking problem.

Tell him to be out by the end of the week.

mummmy2017 · 21/10/2019 16:20

If he loved you, he would not do this.

OtraCosaMariposa · 21/10/2019 16:20

He says it isn’t right to go out after 8 without him

Do you turn into a pumpkin at 8? What an arse. Controlling and horrid.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2019 16:22

"It is cultural to an extent as he grew up in a more traditional east European country so that makes it difficult to ask him to leave as would be hard for him to go home and he is t financially independent to live here on his own".

No you are wrong in thinking this is cultural. He does this because he can and it works for him. If he is not financially independent to live here on his own then he is lodging off you to boot because he thinks you are so desperate for male company that you'd put up with any old shit. He targeted you OP and I have no doubt about that whatsoever.

Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 16:22

TimeforanotherChange I agree with everything you say.

I dislike people that come to live in a culture where it’s normal for men and women to be treated equally in relationships, yet that isn’t their culture and they try to insist that their culture is the way to live.

May I ask where he is from OP?

Babyg1995 · 21/10/2019 16:23

My dp is also eastern European and is the exact same he just likes me socialising with him.

Collision · 21/10/2019 16:24

100% of Mumsnetters have said to dump him

So have your mum and sister.

So what you gonna do?

Lllot5 · 21/10/2019 16:24

Dump him. Not your problem about where he goes or what he does.

MzHz · 21/10/2019 16:24

Get shot of him. This isn’t right at all

foxatthewindow · 21/10/2019 16:25

The cultural thing isn’t an excuse btw - it can be an underlying reason and can help in understanding and unpicking where certain attitudes and behaviours originate from (in our case his mother didn’t have a social life of her own, and he has no experience of women doing things unaccompanied in the evening) but it doesn’t excuse any of it. The correct answer is that he learns to deal with it or he leaves. It really is that simple.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 21/10/2019 16:25

This is so wrong, get out now. 💐

Lllot5 · 21/10/2019 16:25

Can’t go out after eight who does he think he is? Fucking cheek. Posted twice got more angrier as I thought about it.

Original poster
allymcbeal1 · 21/10/2019 16:26

I agree it isn’t cultural as can’t imagine even in his country women don’t go out with their friends!!

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 16:27

Eastern European is many countries!

Inappropriatefemale · 21/10/2019 16:27

Nowt to do with culture and everything to do with the man himself.