Is he a cocklodger?

[Lackademic]

Rarely used NC, I'd rather this didn't follow me about.

DP and I have been together 3 and a half years. He lives an hour bus ride from me (he doesn't have a car, I do, and it's 40 mins driving) and stays at mine every weekend Fri night - Mon morning and sometimes 1 or 2 nights per week.

He eats like a horse. His portion sizes are huge. He doesn't ever cook anything unless I specifically request that he do so, otherwise he'll just wait to be fed; and I actually don't even ask him anymore because when I do he makes such gigantic portions which to be frank I cannot afford.

I shop every weekend for food. He does not contribute to the cost of this except perhaps every couple of months or so, when he might suddenly decide to pay half. He does occasionally buy a take-away.

He bitches about the cost of bus fare to come and see me... Every. Single. Time.

Until recently he was sharing a house with 5 other blokes, not much communal living space, small bedroom. I rarely went there unless I was picking him up or driving him home. Since August he's been in a lovely place with one other bloke. Three times I've told him how nice it would be if I came round and he cooked for me. I get vague agreement, no plans.

The vast majority of his clothes live in my wardrobe. I do all his washing.

I earn about £900 per month more than him (but work full-time to his 0.8). From this I pay a mortgage, car costs, wrap around care and private tutoring for my child, and vast petrol sums driving son to school / collecting / going to work; also obvs all household bills. He pays £450 p/m rent including bills. My outgoings far far far exceed his and I have far less disposable income.

I feel like he's massively taking the piss out of me. He comes to my house, gets fed, gets his clothes washed, uses my hot water, heating and electric and contributes absolutely fuck all.

Nice points: obviously we get on well or I wouldn't bother. He helps my son with maths homework which I can't (dyscalculic). He does occasionally contribute to housework / maintenance.

Am I being a complete mug?

Come back and tell us all when you've done it - we will give you a massive cheer and a secret big hug and lots of .

I SOOO wish I'd had Mumsnet back in the early 80s when I made my Big Mistake.

Don't worry @Lackademic...you now have the power of Mumsnet !

Would you like him if you met for dates - meals, cinema etc.?

Who do you think would be paying for these dates?

He's not after dates with OP. He's after the free full board and lodgings OP provides.

I had one like this. The final straw was when he cheerily announced that his bills had gone down.. yes because you are never home and you're using my amenities

Good idea eddie .

Nah definitely sack him. He's a waste of space.

Is the amazing sex worth all the downsides this man seems to have? He doesn't pay his way - that is a deeply unattractive trait, even if he knows how to find your clitoris.

You might have been better off with the husband you divorced. At least he was humorous.

I suppose you could tell this man that he needs to contribute financially, at a realistic rate, and see what he says.

And stop doing his laundry FFS. No No No.

DON'T beat yourself up! You've come to your senses and you can do something about it. It's really hard giving up good sex, but no amount of orgasms is worth that level of piggery besides, you can always booty call him when you need

Try the power of positive visualisation.

Imagine life on the other side. No watching him fill his boots with food you've bought, you've cooked, and he inhales.

No doing his skiddy laundry. (I bet he's a skiddy one).

No more watching him take up space on the couch, in front of the telly, no doubt watching him watch telly.

I agree with another poster. Tutor and vibrator. And maybe some self help books to help you get some insight into why you enter these relationships and help you avoid doing so. You're not a wally. You're doing what you've been pre-conditioned to do. You need to change your conditioning.

Then, when he's not there, take a deep breath, grab the bin liners, do a whirlwind round every room of the house, grab all his stuff, drive it over, drop it off, with the engine still running.

Send a text telling him his free ride is over, for good this time, he's blocked, you don't want to see or talk to him again.

And then block and CELEBRATE!

Op, what are you doing? You know the answer to this, he's taking the piss and it's not going to change.

Just bin him, just do it now, if you're so lonely you'd rather this shit than be alone, then try to make some plans to alleviate that with friends.

Once you are rid of him, hire a maths tutor and get thee to ann summers for your others needs, it will be cheaper and less messy.

Good luck.

The scales have well and truly fallen from your eyes and you're now seeing him for what he is. He's managing to live at yours (using your gas and electric and eating you out of house and home) for over half the week (four or five nights out of every seven) and has you doing all the shopping, cooking, washing and all the mental load. I bet you do use more gas & electric when he's there than when he's not - e.g. the TV's on all the time, he leaves all the lights on, turns up the thermostat etc.

Up to you whether to lay it all out for him and give him a chance to step up i.e. you go to his sometimes, he does the shopping, cooking and washing at least half the time (given he only works 4 days to your 5, he should be doing more, or perhaps that's covered by his couple of nights a week in his own home.)

I think we all know that he won't step up. And you think he'll kick off and turn nasty if you even suggest it. Well, that will be a nice neat way to end things as it will be all his own doing. I think (even though he's a cocklodger) it would be a bit harsh just to say "here are your clothes, it's over" and block him. But if you say, you're not pulling your weight financially and chores-wise, you need to do x, y and z from now on" and he gets stroppy about it, then you say "ok, your choice, I can't carry on like that so we will have to call it a day."

You sound amazing and really funny. Completely capable of running your life. Please remember that he is a taker and he won't make you happy in the long run.
He isn't caring or generous towards you. He doesn't contribute to your life in a fulfilling way.
Sex may be great but there are many guys that aren't stingy with money or sex.
I'm sure you know you can do much better.

Please let us know how it goes!
I agree with the others he is taking the P*. He is an adult you really don't have to susidise him.

Oh lovely

He's holding you hostage in you're own home, and you are letting him 💐

Pack his stuff now and I mean now, drive it to his or dump it outside
If he's that tight over bus fare he won't want to come to yours to argue
He will find another woman to beg off very soon

You sound exhausted and it's a few weeks till Xmas, how about a fresh start and some lower bills so save for a few treats

Get him gone, don't tell him in advance, just do it

I am 64, been married, had live in partner and LTRs. I have never done a man's washing.

People on MumsNet keep saying this. I find it totally weird. When I was married I did all my wife's and kids' washing. The thought of washing my own stuff in one load and my wife washing hers in another would have been ridiculous.

But yes, OP, your "partner" is a cocklodger. Why have you put up with it?

Oh for heaven's sake people! there is no talking to this cocklodger like he's a normal, kind, caring person. Asking him for a contribution blah blah. The only way with cocklodgers is to get rid. OP has had two goes with this one. Enough.

Should cocklodgers be compared to an invasion of rodents, cockroaches, and other housepests that take, take, take, and are absolutely hellish to get rid of?

Do you know @MarianaMoatedGrange? 😅

Oh God, I had an ex a lot like this.

He was so tight. It was a case of, what’s mine is ours and what’s his is his own. He was a cheeky shit, he was eating 2/3 of my food, using the facilities (when he wasn’t at his squat, living like a single person), but was “nice”, and would CRY when I called him out on his nonsense.

I’m SO much better off without him. I ended up finishing with him over the phone, because he didn’t live close by. It was easy.

Dump him! You can do it! You will feel GLORIOUS! Then go and do fun stuff with your kid.

AuntieDolly in my 30s my lone parent friendship group was riddled with the blighters!

I had one of these 🙄
Infact if yours didn't have a job then I would think you were dating my ex.
I put up with it for 5 years because despite the non contribution to household bills (he physically couldn't as he never worked) and the insatiable appetite he was a nice guy and got on so well with DS, he was more of a dad to him than his real dad.
Since breaking up I've realised he wasn't a nice guy, he was a leech and I let him live like a teenage son in my house, he was probably laughing behind my back daily at the giant mug I was.
Don't make the same mistake, you've wasted enough time....

he saw a woman with children and rubbed his hands with glee... 'nicely nicely she's already geared up for taking care of people'
he crept in under the radar and got his feet under the table.

My ex husband is the funniest man I know but wouldn't know how to spot a clitoris even if it were dressed like Where's Wally. I need to up my standards.

This did make me smile OP. I think as others have pointed out is not to facilitate it anymore and only really you can decide if the relationship is to continue. I amazed myself in my 20's as I was not brought up to be a particular strong minded independent woman and my mother certainly didn't have respectful relationships with men to teach us what was acceptable and what wasn't...... but a BF moved in with me, I remember it like it was yesterday, he started putting in his washing in the laundry bin. I had already had the discussion before he moved in that I was his girlfriend and not his mother. He had just left home to move in with me and his mum did everything for him. Anyhow, 3 weeks went past of him putting his washing in the laundry bin and me not washing it. We were going out one Friday night and he started to look for his clean ironed shirts.. I pointed out they were still in the laundry basket dirty, and he needed to do his own washing and ironing or take it back home to mummy. He was furious! I still have a chuckle to myself about it some 20 years later.. He had to go out in a dirty shirt and never expected me to do his washing again. Lead by example.