Is he a cocklodger?

[Lackademic]

Rarely used NC, I'd rather this didn't follow me about.

DP and I have been together 3 and a half years. He lives an hour bus ride from me (he doesn't have a car, I do, and it's 40 mins driving) and stays at mine every weekend Fri night - Mon morning and sometimes 1 or 2 nights per week.

He eats like a horse. His portion sizes are huge. He doesn't ever cook anything unless I specifically request that he do so, otherwise he'll just wait to be fed; and I actually don't even ask him anymore because when I do he makes such gigantic portions which to be frank I cannot afford.

I shop every weekend for food. He does not contribute to the cost of this except perhaps every couple of months or so, when he might suddenly decide to pay half. He does occasionally buy a take-away.

He bitches about the cost of bus fare to come and see me... Every. Single. Time.

Until recently he was sharing a house with 5 other blokes, not much communal living space, small bedroom. I rarely went there unless I was picking him up or driving him home. Since August he's been in a lovely place with one other bloke. Three times I've told him how nice it would be if I came round and he cooked for me. I get vague agreement, no plans.

The vast majority of his clothes live in my wardrobe. I do all his washing.

I earn about £900 per month more than him (but work full-time to his 0.8). From this I pay a mortgage, car costs, wrap around care and private tutoring for my child, and vast petrol sums driving son to school / collecting / going to work; also obvs all household bills. He pays £450 p/m rent including bills. My outgoings far far far exceed his and I have far less disposable income.

I feel like he's massively taking the piss out of me. He comes to my house, gets fed, gets his clothes washed, uses my hot water, heating and electric and contributes absolutely fuck all.

Nice points: obviously we get on well or I wouldn't bother. He helps my son with maths homework which I can't (dyscalculic). He does occasionally contribute to housework / maintenance.

Am I being a complete mug?

You do know what to do. Pack his stuff up and boot him out. You don’t have to ‘talk to him’ about it at all. Just tell him to fuck off.

I'll have to talk to him about it.

Talk about what? How he needs to change? Which he NEVER will. He is taking you for a ride. Loads of food, sex, clean clothes. He's got one hell of a deal with you.

Tell him it's over and get your self respect back. He brings absolutely nothing positive to your life.

If you like him and this is the key part of the relationship not working, why not talk to him about it, suggest what would work for you and see what he has to say?

He might buck his ideas up. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water by dumping without explaining what's not working.

You are enabling this entitled loser to take advantage of you. This is a very poor relationship model for your son.

I feel like he's massively taking the piss out of me. He comes to my house, gets fed, gets his clothes washed, uses my hot water, heating and electric and contributes absolutely fuck all.

But, and this may sound harsh, you are the one facilitating all this. Why?

Also, think of the role model you are portraying to your son in this dynamic. Not good.

Anyway, good that you have posted here, it is the start of a change.

Yes!!!!!

FGS get rid while he's still got another place to go to.

STOP doing his washing.

Cook normal meal portions.

And get him gone. He is definitely moving in by stealth.

When I look at this objectively though I think what I am is a very lonely single mum with pretty low standards for company. I'm really upset with myself.

But at least you recognise this. You are not in denial like some women.

Just make sure this time when you kick him out, it's for good.

You are realising you are worth so much more. Don't settle.

Bloody hell you kicked him out because he's moody but still dated him ?

So the relationship has no future?

Is he massively good in bed or funny or something ?

he chucks it in the laundry,

So, you chuck it in a bin bag and leave it by the front door for him to take with him. Simple. And, should he forget? Then outside the kitchen door, he'll soon be back when he's got no more clean clothes to wear...

Is he massively good in bed or funny or something?

This made me smile. He's not in the least bit funny but he's fantastic in bed. My ex husband is the funniest man I know but wouldn't know how to spot a clitoris even if it were dressed like Where's Wally. I need to up my standards.

Yikes. Tell him to sling his hook.

Yes he is a cocklodger and you are going to have to get rid of this parasitical bloke permanently.

And your comment also is exactly why you were targeted by him in the first place:-
"I like to think I am a very strong minded single (as in, unmarried) independent woman. When I look at this objectively though I think what I am is a very lonely single mum with pretty low standards for company".

He saw you a mile off and decided to exploit you accordingly.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You really do need to dump all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date and totally reassess your whole approach to this through counselling.

This man is the very definition of the word cocklodger even down to being good in bed as well. That is the only thing he is good at.Remember you have bills to pay and if he can’t contribute he has to go. Having a Cock Lodger on your premises is just another form of transactional sex (if indeed you were getting serviced at all!). So change the locks. Go on holiday if you must. Stop indulging yet another weak man. Cock Lodger Be Gone!!!

Your update actually makes it worse. You already knew he was no good as you have kicked him out once. Well done for realizing it.

He did, in fact, live with me here previously. I included this originally then decided it wasn't relevant. I kicked him out a year ago because he was getting on my tits

You are in a relationship with a man you actively dislike. What on earth are you doing? This is insane.

Dump him! You've already done it once, stop him worming himself back into your home. He really is taking the piss. You're worth more, far more.

Find a maths tutor for your son, it will be cheaper in the long run.

There are other fish in the sea.

Agree with everyone else Op, sorry!

Just get rid. Tell him it's not working, the relationship is over and not to contact you again. If he proceeds to make a pest of himself, you can call the police to have a word with him.

He bitches about the cost of bus fare to come and see me... Every. Single. Time.

And yet fails to see the cost of the food you are cooking for him, your own larger outgoings, & the fact that you are doing a lot of domestic chores FOR A MAN YOU DON'T EVEN SHARE A HOME WITH.

The only part you'll miss is helping with son's maths homework. You can get a tutor for that ;)

Cocklodger is having a lovely time, living in your home for much of the month without contributing anything ...

Get yourself a vibrator.
And a maths tutor for your DS.
Do not get the two mixed up.

Every £1 and every minute spent on him is a £1 or minute not spent on your son or yourself. Don’t waste your resources on him any longer.

He'll be horrible. He's confrontational, hates any criticism.

Oh hell, OP.
You KNOW you can do better.
Get rid, so you no longer have to tiptoe around avoiding confrontation with this moody twat.

GenuineK

@Lackademic

I can't believe you need to come on here and ask.

Of COURSE he is a fecking cocklodger. And a moody, miserable, entitled twonk!

What did you expect everyone to say? 'YABU, he sounds amazing?!'

Dump him FGS. Have some self respect and stop putting up with this nobhead!