I won't have sex with DH, he wants to separate... What next?

[Notallitseemstobe]

Basically that, for various reasons I can't stomach the idea of having sex with him.

He made a move a few weeks ago and I said that, and he stormed off. Then sent me a message on the weekend saying how much he wants to have sex with me. I replied to say that I don't think I can ever do it again, citing menopause and emotional reasons. I've also been ignoring him I know, not knowing what to say as our relationship has changed.

He has suggested we separate as he deserves someone who will want him like that. I know that's true, and we both do need to move on.

We have kids, a house. And I don't know how to disentangle it all, and I'm worried about money.

We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?

[onmysofa]

When I eventually did talk about it I was told that's the only thing that turns him on
OP has said that she has talked with him.
No wonder if she's having an affair and I for one hope it's the great sex missing in her marriage.

[leomama81]

Well, to be honest that's kind of normal for heterosexual sex isn't it?

No, just pumping away and pawing at breasts while not touching any other part of OP's body at all is not normal or good heterosexual sex. At the very least it decent sex will usually involve stroking/kissing other parts of a person's body! And given that most women don't orgasm purely through PIV, most men if they are at all good in bed will go for a bit of manual stimulation.

If you have told him that this isn't doing it for you OP and he has said that "that's all that turns him on" without the slightest regard for what turns you on then he really can't complain about your lack of interest.

[over50andfab]

Geppili, it will only bring up posts written under the name being searched.

[TheNestedIf]

I read the other threads.

You don't want sex with him.

You don't love him.

You are shagging someone else (also married).

He now wants to separate so what is the problem, exactly? Do you have so little dignity that you want to continue to use someone you so clearly despise as a piggy bank?

[Interestedwoman]

It sounds awful- it must be bad if you've had no orgasm with him ever. I don't blame you for having an affair. I know what it's like to go off a partner sexually- sometimes it's impossible to be attracted to/want to shag them again.

'We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?'

If you're getting on well, he'll help you sort it out. You could also see the CAB for instance to discuss your options, or a lot of women seek legal advice. Even if you and your ex are still on speaking terms, that might help you know where you stand.

You will be free of this grossness and from having to keep trying to get out of it.

Best wishes xxxxx

[TequilaPilates]

Aah well maybe op needs to admit the affair to her husband and they need to split now.

This marriage is dead in the water tbh.

[TequilaPilates]

If you're getting on well, he'll help you sort it out.

Not likely if he finds out she's been having an affair is it?

[TheNestedIf]

If the sex is genuinely awful why didn't the OP end it before marrying her husband and having children?

Sex can often be fixed but it's how she's trying to justify it to herself for having an affair.

It's only now he has made the decision to move on that her marriage has become a concern for her and that's only for financial reasons.

What you both do is get a solicitor and get on with your lives separately.

[StickAForkInMe15]

On another thread she's said

I'm on the coil and horny constantly lol. My husband and I have never had sex often, I'd like it daily

[AnotherEmma]

It's really bad form to quote from other threads.

OP I hope you end this relationship ASAP.

I expect the affair is giving you a confidence boost after being treated so badly for so long. But you must know that it's wrong.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

It's really bad form to quote from other threads.

Well it may be but it sheds a whole new light on OP’s problem doesn’t it? Maybe posters shouldn’t be fishing for sympathy and the support the Greek chorus in condemning their DH and saying what a bastard he is when they are far from blameless themselves. Just a thought.

[AllFourOfThem]

It’s really bad form to quote from other threads.

Surely it’s worse form to be deliberately misleading readers by not being completely honest and providing the full picture in the first place. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[ladyfromvenus]

I felt the OPs post was perfectly clear, she was seeking advice based on that information alone.
Other points which some posters are now bringing up after searching are separate, it seem to me that some people are on a goady mission. If anyone is unhappy with the thread then I suggest they leave it rather than picking holes and being unhelpful.

[TheNestedIf]

My advice "What you both do is get a solicitor and get on with your lives separately." remains the same.

What is unfair is that she's un-bunging the vat of MN venom towards her husband without giving the full picture that she has an ulterior motive to make this all his fault and make herself feel better.

As said, he might be useless at sex. Or she might be telling herself this to justify having an affair and bragging about it all over MN.

[over50andfab]

@TheNestedIf exactly and I agree.

I only searched elsewhere for more detail as I felt the OP was only giving enough detail to suit. I also really dislike when posters jump to conclusions and make assumptions on very little detail.

FWIW I'm not judging what other people do in their marriage, and if the OP doesn't fancy her husband because he's crap at sex, or just wants to have multiple affairs that is up to her. It sounds like it's all broken down already, so both seeing a solicitor might be the best course of action. Of course, some couples do decide to still share the family home but date elsewhere, but both sides have to want that.

Good luck OP whatever you decide

[AlexaAmbidextra]

I felt the OPs post was perfectly clear, she was seeking advice based on that information alone. Other points which some posters are now bringing up after searching are separate

How can they be separate? How do you separate being repulsed by your husband and never wanting him to touch you again, at one point blaming this on the menopause, to being horny all the time (OP’s words) and committing adultery with another man?

it seem to me that some people are on a goady mission. If anyone is unhappy with the thread then I suggest they leave it rather than picking holes and being unhelpful.

So you interpret calling out the OP’s one-sided tale of woe as being ‘goady’? I’m not being goady. I just don’t like people fabricating in order to garner sympathy, so if it’s all the same to you I won’t take your advice to leave the thread, thanks all the same. You don’t police who posts where.

[Notallitseemstobe]

I could have name changed, but I didn't for this thread.

Yes, I am having an affair, no I'm not fabricating my issues with my DH to justify it. The issues have been long running. The affair is a symptom, and part solution, but not the instigator of our issues.

My affair complicates my issues on deciding to separate, but my post stands on its own. I was always clear to myself that I had to leave my marriage for me and with the expectation that I would go on to be single.

Without the affair, I would still not be sleeping with my DH. It has however shown me that I can have love, attention and intimacy with someone who actively seeks to give me pleasure and genuinely finds me attractive.

I didnt go out looking for an affair, I did go out looking for sex outside my marriage so I could just once feel like I was normal and have passionate sex. Just once.

But life is never simple.

[Geppili]

Leave him!

[TequilaPilates]

So what's the dilemma? Surely now you need to leave your husband. He wants that, you're being unfaithful and can't stand having sex with him so you need to leave.

I do think it's a bit off that your husband wants to have sex with you, you've rejected it (because you're shagging your bf behind his back) but you're outraged that your husband won't continue living in a celibate marriage.

How comes you get to have sex with your fancy man but your husband can't?

Either leave him or tell him you want an open marriage and that he's welcome to find himself a girlfriend.

[Notallitseemstobe]

I did tell him that actually, if he wanted to.

[TequilaPilates]

I did tell him that actually, if he wanted to.

What did he say?

Did you tell him that you were already doing it?

No wonder he wants a divorce.

[Notallitseemstobe]

He mentioned maybe using prostitutes.

He's so desperate for sex he said he'd do anything I wanted, I assume that means even touch me if he can get laid.

[TheNestedIf]

@over50andfab Good for you for indicating posters should be clear on what the situation actually is.

As for OP, my advice still stands because he doesn't really want to shag other people and continue in this relationship, even if you do.

[monkeymonkey2010]

He only has interest in my breasts, and PIV....he's never made me orgasm....he only really finds one part of my body attractive, wouldn't touch anything else really and the combination of lack of feeling really wanted and resultant bad sex just means things have got to the point I can't handle the thought of it

I'm gobsmacked that YOU tolerated this throughout your dating and then went on to marry and have kids with the guy!
It sounds like the only reason this is now a problem is because you've met someone else and want to end your marriage.

Except that you want your cake and you want to eat it too....i.e have your affair partner on the side and your husband still by your side so nothing in YOUR world has to really change and you can do exactly as YOU please.

What you need to do is begin the ball rolling on divorce and separation and sorting out your finances and child related responsibilities.


I can have very good sex, and orgasm.

[ladyfromvenus]

OP you were clear in my opinion in your original post on the issue you were seeking advice on. You've explained, clarified and repeated info in response to some of those asking for more.
I think you have the strength to work this out for yourself whilst perhaps taking on board the supportive, helpful advice from some posters. All the best OP.