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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I won't have sex with DH, he wants to separate... What next?

152 replies

Notallitseemstobe · 21/10/2019 09:58

Basically that, for various reasons I can't stomach the idea of having sex with him.

He made a move a few weeks ago and I said that, and he stormed off. Then sent me a message on the weekend saying how much he wants to have sex with me. I replied to say that I don't think I can ever do it again, citing menopause and emotional reasons. I've also been ignoring him I know, not knowing what to say as our relationship has changed.

He has suggested we separate as he deserves someone who will want him like that. I know that's true, and we both do need to move on.

We have kids, a house. And I don't know how to disentangle it all, and I'm worried about money.

We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 21/10/2019 10:55

You actually have nothing to lose now by telling him what you've posted here: why it's so awful, how it makes you feel, it's all about him getting his fix on a piece of you so he can get off while you have to just endure it.

That's not mutually satisfying. It sounds awful ... so tell him! Marriage is currently ending ... seriously ... nothign to lose and maybe something to gain.

sunshinesupermum · 21/10/2019 10:56

Notaallitseemstobe Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to a Menopause Clinic or Consultant.

What you are feeling re sex and anything associated with it IS very likely the menopause. You should have blood tests to ascertain your hormone levels, including testosterone (many women do not know that this diminishes considerably during menopause causing complete lack of desire)

Your marriage does NOT have to end now. But I hope your husband will be understanding.

MrsCBY · 21/10/2019 11:01

It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had a healthy sexual relationship. Doesn’t sound like he’s interested in sex being a mutually pleasurable, loving thing at all, more like that he wants to use you/your body for his own satisfaction and that’s it.

That’s sexually abusive behaviour, in my book. No wonder you can’t stand the thought of “sex” with him. What you’re really saying is you’re not prepared to put up with being sexually used/abused any more, and damn right to that.

(Menopause can indeed make it more painful; that can usually be sorted with a good lube. But that clearly isn’t the root of the problem here.)

RancidOldHag · 21/10/2019 11:06

You need to sort out your menopause.

But I also think you need to start planning your separation, as your DH now wants this relationship to end, and you acknowledged right up in the opening post that you know it's over too.

Which means you start planning your separation. I know anxiety can be a symptom of the menopause (another reason to get this medically checked) but that must not hold you back.

Start planning how you will live post-separation and what steps you need to take to get there.

It is wrong to try to force someone to remain in a sexless marriage, and not everything he wants an open marriage (your DH has rejected the idea). There really doesn't seem to be any prospect of a way forward together, not after you've been ignoring him and ruling out intimacy (not just sex, you've even cut basic communication). You cannot keep treating someone like this and expect them to stick around, and what you are doing has gone well beyond difficult menopause and well into chilly emotional abuse by withdrawal.

MrsCBY · 21/10/2019 11:09

I don’t think OP is the abuser here, RancidOldHag. I think OP has been putting up with some really awful, abusive behaviour for a long time, and has finally got to the point where she just can’t any more.

I agree that from just the first post it would seem that way, but when you read the later posts, a very different story emerges.

over50andfab · 21/10/2019 11:15

My ExH withheld sex, but then he was emotionally abusive in many ways, which is why I divorced him.

If it is menopause causing these thoughts, well menopause is confusing generally for lots of women. I guess it comes down to if you both want to make your marriage work and are prepared to try to work through this, and any other problems. Have you told him how he makes you feel..the touching only one part of you? If not, more communication might help.

Lack of libido, dryness etc are problem women experience in menopause. Hormones can help if you want to try them. I can across this series of videos earlier, one of which is low libido which might help
www.thisgirlisonfire.co.uk/features-1/2019/10/17/your-menopause-questions-answered

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 11:19

I don't think you can do anything here. The marriage is over because he wants to leave. You can't force him to remain married to you.

You want a celibate life and he doesn't so the only way forward is to separate.

NameChangeNugget · 21/10/2019 11:21

I totally get his viewpoint here. There’s no point to him in a sexless marriage.

If my DH had said what you did to me and was never going to have sec again, I’d be off like a shot

diddl · 21/10/2019 11:23

" But he only really finds one part of my body attractive, wouldn't touch anything else really and the combination of lack of feeling really wanted and resultant bad sex"

Well then it's not surprising that you don't want to have sex with him.

Who would?

RancidOldHag · 21/10/2019 11:24

The subsequent posts show that the DH (possibly) has a fetish which means his sexual repertoire is limited, and is unappealing to OP.

Which is another reason to separate, as whatever efforts may have been made over the course of the marriage to change and improve the relationship have clearly not worked.

And ignoring someone for weeks is a pretty harsh and extreme form of of withdrawal. If a man was doing this to his wife, it would definitely be called out as abusive.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Whatever led up to this, OP is just as much wrong now as he is.

Which is why I think there needs to be a separation. OP Is clearly rather anxious about that final step (which is - possibly - the root of her confusion), but I think once she gets on with the planning she will find that she can do it.

flatshoes · 21/10/2019 11:26

OP, its not you, it sounds as if he is very selfish sexually and I'm not surprised you don't want sex with him. Some men really have no idea and seem incapable of learning. I'm sorry you've been putting up with this and hope you can find a way forward that's best for you.

SierraBravo · 21/10/2019 11:29

I would encourage you to seek counselling. The counselor will be able to help you talk through different options to go forward. In the end, you might decide that you do need to separate, but I think that speaking to a counselor would still be useful, as it can help you to honestly talk about logistics, etc.

I would also second visiting your GP to speak to them menopause, as there may be symptoms you don't realize are related to menopause, and they may be able to offer help with those.

Scott72 · 21/10/2019 11:32

What next? You both get lawyers and get the ball rolling. If its got to the point where you can't even stand the idea of the him touching you, time to move on.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/10/2019 11:34

God he sounds disgusting.
You deserve better op.
What part of you does he fetisise?
I'm assuming youve asked for mutually pleasurable sex and he is refusing? He doesn't have a right to just use your body as he seems to think he does.
Men that insist upon sex when a woman finds it painful are lowest of the low.
Don't lie and say its libido tell him straight he needs to know his behaviour is the problem.
You will be OK without him. Its scary but it will be OK. ❤️

ruralliving19 · 21/10/2019 11:34

I would seek out relationship counselling/sex therapy before giving up on things, if he's willing to try it.

If he's not, or if there are any alarm bells ringing in your head when other posters have asked if he is abusive, then I think you have to move on. It's scary but the first step is a visit to a lawyer.

Nousernameforme · 21/10/2019 11:34

If you turn it round op you could get out of this relationship and go on to have a fulfilling sex life yourself. Do you work?

flatshoes · 21/10/2019 11:43

This man is unskilled and selfish sexually, all the menopause treatment in the world can't solve. OP, I think I'd let him go, who knows what the future holds for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 11:50

But he only really finds one part of my body attractive, wouldn't touch anything else really

Did he actually tell you that? That he only finds one part of you attractive? Bloody hell it's no wonder you don't want to sleep with him anymore

NorthEndGal · 21/10/2019 11:50

I'd say it's time to go your separate ways, as you cant make it work if you are grossed out by him.
He and you deserve to be with someone that accepts and appreciates yourselves

PicsInRed · 21/10/2019 11:51

He sounds selfish and revolting, OP.

No flaming wonder you can't stomach it anymore ... you sound like you've had the patience of a saint.

Please separate and find someone decent for yourself. Flowers

RantyAnty · 21/10/2019 12:10

I think you have to be honest with him about why. He's terrible at it and it does nothing for you. You seem to like each other and get along.
I think there are sex therapists but he has to be willing to change. Write down what you need to feel loved and sexual and tell him.

ThighThighOfthigh · 21/10/2019 12:10

Have you had enjoyable sex before you met dh?

QueSera · 21/10/2019 12:17

I would suggest counselling - even if the end result is separation, it can help the separation be less painful than without counselling, it can help you both see each other's point of view, and understand the issues at play, and know that you tried everything to save your marriage.

But unless you both want an asexual/platonic marriage, which your DH clearly doesn't, and you can't accept sex with him, you need to separate.

Awaywiththepiskies · 21/10/2019 12:33

Oh dear OP - you're both stuck. He sounds terrible at sex, but wants it. You may want it, but not with his clumsy terrible ability at it. Could sex therapy work? If he's so awful at it, have you ever tried to help or show him how to do it better?

I suppose it's something that you both should have "fixed" years ago.

SomeonesSomeone · 21/10/2019 12:48

I strongly suspect saying which body part you are referring to when you say it's the only one he wants to touch would vastly change the responses you are getting.

Let's be frank here, not all body parts are equal when it comes to a man's desire to stick his dick in it.

A for instance, if a man ONLY wanted to stick it in my rear or down my throat and nowhere else, I would not regard that as a sex life and would be out of there so fast that I'd leave a me shaped cloud of dust visible in my haste like in a cartoon. I would feel like a convenient hole, not a partner. I would also consider it abusive if it were plain that I didn't enjoy nor want to do it that way either.

I just getting the feeling that we are not talking a vagina obssession here, sorry if I am off the mark.

I get a sense, no certain why really, that your DH is only interested sexually in something if he knows you don't like it, as if your revulsion for it provides an added turn on to his desire for his singular obsession.

I could very obviously be wrong but I can't be the only one thinking alone these lines.