I won't have sex with DH, he wants to separate... What next?

[Notallitseemstobe]

Basically that, for various reasons I can't stomach the idea of having sex with him.

He made a move a few weeks ago and I said that, and he stormed off. Then sent me a message on the weekend saying how much he wants to have sex with me. I replied to say that I don't think I can ever do it again, citing menopause and emotional reasons. I've also been ignoring him I know, not knowing what to say as our relationship has changed.

He has suggested we separate as he deserves someone who will want him like that. I know that's true, and we both do need to move on.

We have kids, a house. And I don't know how to disentangle it all, and I'm worried about money.

We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?

Speak to the gp and ask to be referred. Maybe strongly consider marriage counselling

"That's the only thing that turns him on'

@TequilaPilates

Yes I guess so but DH always makes sure I orgasm & have a good time before he goes for the PIV, clearly op's DH isn't as considerate.

Geppili

Then I've dated lots of men with fetishes - they're turned on by breast and PIV??

What else are they going to be turned on by? Earlobes, eyebrows?

That's just normal surely?

He has never touched me anywhere else.

Only my boobs. No where else. Ever.

Thus lack of orgasms.

Nquartz

We don't really know though do we? Op originally described it in such a way as many posters jumped to some weird link or fetish, one even asked if he was gay. Turns out we're just talking normal heterosexual sex, so maybe the ops guage is a little off kilter?

Who knows? I'm not sure that we can say anything for definite here.

Notallitseemstobe

Have you told him? Explained what you'd like?

So he's completely rubbish at sex and a selfish lover - I'm not surprised you don't want to DTD.

The only way this is going to work out if it you can both talk about it and make an effort to make sex pleasurable for you both. I wonder whether he even knows that experimenting can be fun - has he ever tried?

It sounds as if you don't want your marriage to fail, so do you want to try talking to him one last time (tell him you've never orgasmed) and see whether he's willing to make an effort. If not, there's no point in staying together. I'm sorry, OP.

OP, can I ask again, have you told him what turns you on and had he made the effort? There’s nothing wrong with his liking breasts and PIV and that turning him on, but It is all give and take, with communication being key if one side is getting it wrong.

It’s difficult to tell if he is either extremely selfish, or you haven’t told him what the problem is for you in having sex with him.

Jesus! He has never touched any other part of poor lovely OP's breasts! That is sooooo abnormal to me.

Any other part of Ops body apart from breasts

So he touches, looks at, sucks her breasts and then wham bam straight into PIV with his cock! God no wonder it hurts you sometimes! This sounds seriously abnormal to me. All men I have been with loved my boobs and legs and crucially my vulva and vagina.

Is that basically how it is, Op?

Yes

Tequila, I agree with you, but surely you can see that in this case the man relies to an abnormal degree on her breasts. He has NEVER touched her anywhere else, eg her thighs, belly, mons, vulva and vagina.

God, Op, that is terrible. Most women need lovingly unwrapping and separating before penetration, and preferably with loads of loving lube and oral kissing. It sounds like very immature anxious sex on his part. Do you know about his previous sexual experience?

Geppili

Honestly, I really doubt it. I can't see for a start off how that's all that can be touched.

I get he might not be great but sorry, no way had he never touched her belly or thighs for example.

Op have you told him what you would like?
What does he like? Does he tell you what he wants?

This sounds like 2 people who are either inexperienced or who cannot talk about sex at all.

Both of you are finding this unsatisfactory so all you can do is try to fix it or split up

Tequila - believe it.

To such a point I have felt like I am pretty much disgusting and so unattractive that I didn't deserve pleasurable sex or to be really desired.

But again, have you told him what you want? Have you said what you like?

I agree with PP - have you ever tried talking to him about how you feel? I think the issue is more the crap sex and less the menopause. If you get on well in other respects then is it worth trying? Maybe put on a film that has a sex scene that focuses on something you would like and use that as a starting point? Not porn, just a mainstream film. Do you think about/want sex with anyone else?

I believe you.

Tequila, he may well have literally touched OP's belly etc by brushing it when they are having robotic PIV, but you know that is not the sort of touch we are all talking about. Loving, lingering caresses with his hands and eyes. Making her feel beautiful in her own complete skin. He's not even opening her to enable penetration. She has been so bloody brave and honest and is clearly at a very low ebb.

How long have you been together?

Its like the OP is being badgered with questions, puts me in mind of certain behaviour on an adult site where some push this for titillation, cant stand that. OP please please be mindful of this.

It seems there is intimacy lacking in OPs sexual relationship, some people may like the functional fumble and thrust sort of sex but OP doesn't find it satisfying and doesn't want it and I don't blame her.

This sounds like 2 people who are either inexperienced or who cannot talk about sex at all.

Both of you are finding this unsatisfactory so all you can do is try to fix it or split up

I agree with Tequila on the above. Sexual therapy and counselling? It's definitely two people who are repressed or shy about expressing themselves emotionally and sexually. I was your husband once and I was very sexually repressed and scared.