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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I won't have sex with DH, he wants to separate... What next?

152 replies

Notallitseemstobe · 21/10/2019 09:58

Basically that, for various reasons I can't stomach the idea of having sex with him.

He made a move a few weeks ago and I said that, and he stormed off. Then sent me a message on the weekend saying how much he wants to have sex with me. I replied to say that I don't think I can ever do it again, citing menopause and emotional reasons. I've also been ignoring him I know, not knowing what to say as our relationship has changed.

He has suggested we separate as he deserves someone who will want him like that. I know that's true, and we both do need to move on.

We have kids, a house. And I don't know how to disentangle it all, and I'm worried about money.

We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?

OP posts:

Geppili · 21/10/2019 16:51

Zero titillation here. Just empathy.

Geppili · 21/10/2019 16:55

They are barely talking so she can't tell him what she wants. It sounds like it has been like this always and It's got harder and harder to talk about. I think a therapist would help them get back at least to communicating.

RueCambon · 21/10/2019 16:58

Dont blame the menopause for gods sake. He'll be on line looking for a woman half his age soon. Be honest and tell him his approach wasnt great for you.

stucknoue · 21/10/2019 16:59

Firstly I'm sorry, the only suggestion I have is to try a therapist. Otherwise it's hard but like so many women including me you can do it. Money is my biggest worry too. I'm now dating and it's really hard at first but I'm having more fun than in years (and sex more than once a month)

over50andfab · 21/10/2019 17:06

Zero titillation here too. However it’s normal to ask if there has been communication to try to improve our sex lives. Sometimes it needs a lot of conversation - and direction - to try to put things right and achieve what we want. If we at least do this and don’t get anywhere, and our partner just continues to focus on his own satisfaction at least we’ve tried.

Menopause can of course cause a lot of problems with dryness and pain.However there are things that can be done to help here as well.

I’m not trying to badger the OP, and of course she might want to split up anyway, which is her choice. We’re just trying to suggest all options.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 17:13

I agree with over50.

From the little op has said it's difficult to know if he's inexperienced and has never learned what to do or if he's just very selfish.

If she's never said what she wants or shown him then maybe that's why he doesn't get it.

AgentJohnson · 21/10/2019 17:25

Either you work together to improve things or you separate, sitting on the fence is longer an option.

MrsCBY · 21/10/2019 18:59

By the way, I hope all the "he clearly has a fetish" posters apologise for jumping the gun.

TequilaPilates if you think that what OP has described is normal heterosexual sex, then I feel sorry for you.

Her H is basically using her as a kind of living blow up doll. It’s absolutely vile. She has talked to him and it’s clear he has no interest in sex being something they do together and both enjoy, and that he’s only interested in his own orgasm.

OP has also said she’s not inexperienced and has had very good sex/orgasms with (an)other partner(s). This isn’t about OP not knowing what good sex is, it’s about being with a partner who’s utterly sexually selfish (and sexually dysfunctional) to the point he doesn’t treat her like an actual human being. When you use another human being like that purely for your own gratification, with no thought for their pleasure or the impact that will have on them, that’s abuse.

I have felt like I am pretty much disgusting and so unattractive that I didn't deserve pleasurable sex or to be really desired this is so sad, Notallitseemstobe - it sounds like you have been utterly ground down by years of his appalling treatment of you.

if you have a DD, how would you feel if her partner treated her like this? If you have a DS, how would you feel if he treated his partner like this? I hope that helps you see how very wrong he is and how after years of this it’s actually healthy that you're finally saying no.

I know that contemplating breaking up must be gut wrenching, but seriously, it would be the best thing you will ever do for yourself. Tell him you agree, you need to separate, because he has never been and will never be a decent husband to you. Start imagining a life where you and your feelings matter. It is possible.

onyourway · 21/10/2019 19:32

Menopause can, and often does, blow your libido out of the water. It can also focus your mind on what you may want to do, or not, going forward.

It's not unusual for sex to take a major back seat during menopause and although sometimes couples may separate because of it, some may work together to try to make it work for both of them.

I think it's actually one of the hardest things to go through, if you suffer the menopause badly.

flatshoes · 21/10/2019 19:48

Excellent post from MrsCBY, says it all. So glad to read this rather than some of the obvious bollocks.

CrapTVAddict · 21/10/2019 19:55

What's PIV?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/10/2019 20:00

You deserve more than this. You will find someone you are sexually compatible with. It really doesn't sound like it will be him.

user1481840227 · 21/10/2019 20:30

I very much doubt that this can be fixed.
If he wants to find someone that wants him then let him.
You also deserve someone that wants you, you might be very surprised with how your libido comes back if you met someone new.

When he suggested that you separate did he say what he was going to do? Is he planning on moving out?

HeyNotInMyName · 21/10/2019 20:44

What @MrsCBY said.

Why is it that some posters think the OP has somehow the duty to prove to them she has talked to him, she isn’t inexperienced etc.. and not just that but in the way they want to hear

@Notallitseemstobe he sounds awful and I’m not surprised you can’t stomach it anymore. That’s what happens when you force yourself to have sex even though you don’t enjoy it, all for the sake of the relationship aand the man’s pleasure.

Geppili · 21/10/2019 20:45

PIV penis in vagina

RandomMess · 21/10/2019 20:56

Your sex life with him sounds utterly unbearable, I am amazed your marriage has lasted long enough to have a couple of children together.

The thought of a partner taking in zero interest in whether I ever orgasm or not

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2019 21:10

He sounds terrible at sex, but wants it.

This. I can't imagine he is really a kind, generous, loving partner if he cares so little for your enjoyment in this one area.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 21:40

Why is it that some posters think the OP has somehow the duty to prove to them she has talked to him, she isn’t inexperienced etc.. and not just that but in the way they want to hear

I couldn't care less if the op tells us or not but it's a bit difficult to give any advice at all if you only have the first post to go on isn't it?

Going from the op, the husband seems to want to split up but she doesn't. She seems to want to live as housemates.

How can anyone advise properly?

Cambionome · 21/10/2019 21:57

Well, they could read the ops posts carefully and then try to show a bit of empathy, Tequila. obviously not your forte.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 22:03

Well, clearly, some people read different things within the same posts don't they?

I really don't see how people can so confidently declare that this man is an abusive fetishist based solely on what the op has written?

Regardless, the husband wants to split and the op wants advice on what to do so just telling her that he's awful isn't really answering what she asked is it?

AnotherEmma · 21/10/2019 22:06

Oh, OP

I think you should get counselling for yourself as a priority.

I also think you should get a divorce but the counselling will help you to decide what path you want to take and help you feel ok whatever happens.

over50andfab · 21/10/2019 22:43

I totally agree with Tequila, and have found the OPs lack of answer and general reticence to being asked if she’s even discussed this with her husband a bit weird.

Having done a search on her other posts things have become clearer - suggest others do the same!

Geppili · 21/10/2019 22:49

Thanks

ElspethFlashman · 21/10/2019 23:12

So it turns out OP is having an affair.

OK then.

Righty ho.

Im perplexed why you would want to stay in this marriage, OP. You are shagging someone else anyway.

Geppili · 21/10/2019 23:18

Over50andfab, when you search a users name, does it bring up all the posts and comments associated with all various name changes?

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