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Original poster

I won't have sex with DH, he wants to separate... What next?

152 replies

Notallitseemstobe · 21/10/2019 09:58

Basically that, for various reasons I can't stomach the idea of having sex with him.

He made a move a few weeks ago and I said that, and he stormed off. Then sent me a message on the weekend saying how much he wants to have sex with me. I replied to say that I don't think I can ever do it again, citing menopause and emotional reasons. I've also been ignoring him I know, not knowing what to say as our relationship has changed.

He has suggested we separate as he deserves someone who will want him like that. I know that's true, and we both do need to move on.

We have kids, a house. And I don't know how to disentangle it all, and I'm worried about money.

We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/10/2019 12:51

I'm with you, SomeoneSomeone, although I thought that the mystery body part was going to be feet... no idea why!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/10/2019 12:53

I get a sense, no certain why really, that your DH is only interested sexually in something if he knows you don't like it, as if your revulsion for it provides an added turn on to his desire for his singular obsession

Although I missed that bit on first reading and I'm not sure I can see much to back that up here. You might be right, or it might be projection.

As a PP said, it's tough because there's "fault" everywhere now.

Candle1000 · 21/10/2019 12:59

I really think you owe it to yourself to tell him why you don’t want sex with him , don’t let him get away with thinking this is all your fault.

PicsInRed · 21/10/2019 13:08

I get a sense, no certain why really, that your DH is only interested sexually in something if he knows you don't like it, as if your revulsion for it provides an added turn on to his desire for his singular obsession.

I've also come across a man like this.

They want unconsented/unwanted sex, without legal problems. They want their partner to hurt/fear/grieve ... there's a sadistic element to it.

Geppili · 21/10/2019 13:10

Op, feel for you. Am in a similar place with menopause. I have never had an orgasm from PIV. Ever. But my DDH is so good to me! I have low esteem in my body, but he makes me feel reassured and loved all over. Do you masturbate together? Has he ever made you come? Could he be latently gay? Keep posting.

Scott72 · 21/10/2019 13:11

The past few posters have taken a couple of vague comments from OP to mean her husband is a terrible abusive lover who has never given her any pleasure over the course of their marriage. I'm sure he's not that bad, as she still seems fond of him.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/10/2019 13:11

Well, he sounds like a mess. I think you definitely do need to separate, you've dealt with his issues long enough, and arguably he should be free to pursue whatever he happens to be into, whatever it is, there are bound to be people out there who are also into it.

Get some legal advice. Take your time. You don't have to rush into anything. Maybe suggest a formal separation but co-parenting under the same roof for now. If you're comfortable with that.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/10/2019 13:14

I'm sure he's not that bad, as she still seems fond of him.

Does she? All I read was "we get along with friends" which in terms of marriage language can just mean "we don't scream at each other".

MrsCBY · 21/10/2019 13:26

Two wrongs don't make a right. Whatever led up to this, OP is just as much wrong now as he is.

No, she absolutely isn’t. He doesn’t just have a fetish; from the sound of it, he’s never been remotely interested in OP’s sexual pleasure, only his own, and has expected her basically to service him. Years and years of this will have ground her down.

It is deeply wrong to suggest that a reaction to years of abuse (which I suspect OP has been/is in denial about) is on a par with years of perpetrating abuse. So wrong.

You shouldn’t bandy around terms like “emotional abuse” when you clearly have so little understanding of the dynamics of abuse in a relationship.

Scott72 · 21/10/2019 13:27

Good point, only she knows. Although "only really finds one part of my body attractive, wouldn't touch anything else really" probably doesn't mean he's latently gay or an extreme fetishist with tastes few women could satisfy.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 13:32

He doesn’t just have a fetish;

Where has this come from?

All op said was he has an interest in one body part. We don't even know what that means yet now you've categorically decided that he's got a fetish?

This place is bonkers at times.

Idontwanttotalk · 21/10/2019 13:40

"I strongly suspect saying which body part you are referring to when you say it's the only one he wants to touch would vastly change the responses you are getting."

I agree. OP, are you able to tell us which part it is?

flatshoes · 21/10/2019 13:58

OP do not feel you need to say which body part. Whether or not he has a kink he sounds only concerned with his own needs and having you service them. You are now quite rightly pulling away from that and no wonder. I've met men with such expectations, they can be tricky to deal with, think its their right well it darn well isn't.

over50andfab · 21/10/2019 14:06

@TequilaPilates exactly...as tends to happen on these threads, assumptions are made, conclusions are drawn and the OP gets told she should LTB, all from the limited info given 🤷‍♀️

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/10/2019 14:09

I interpreted only interested in one body part as not bothering with foreplay and going straight to PIV.

Original poster
Notallitseemstobe · 21/10/2019 14:26

Oh wow, okay, to explain.

He only has interest in my breasts, and PIV.

No, he's never made me orgasm. When I eventually did talk about it I was told that's the only thing that turns him on.

I can have very good sex, and orgasm.

OP posts:
over50andfab · 21/10/2019 14:41

Have you told him what turns you on and had he made the effort? There’s nothing wrong with his liking breasts and PIV and that turning him on, but It is all give and take, with communication being key if one side is getting it wrong. If he continues to not make the effort, then you have a very valid reason for losing interest.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 14:46

Well, to be honest that's kind of normal for heterosexual sex isn't it? What is it that you want him to be interested in? I guess oral, is that what you would like? In which case have you told him?

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 14:47

By the way, I hope all the "he clearly has a fetish" posters apologise for jumping the gun.

Pollaidh · 21/10/2019 14:52

At first I thought it sounded like he was being reasonable, but from your further posts it seems there's a long history of issues here. What really shocked me was that when you said it was painful, your DH asked if you could pleasure him in other ways. I think most decent men would instead ask what you could instead do together that would provide pleasure for you both!

Unless you have sex therapy I don't see a solution here but separation.

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/10/2019 14:54

By the way, I hope all the "he clearly has a fetish" posters apologise for jumping the gun.

Quite. What they don’t know they make up half the time on here. 🙄

flatshoes · 21/10/2019 14:54

I don't think OP should be asked for more detail, who knows what salacious types are around for their own purposes. OP I really hope you reach the best decisions for you and don't feel you have to answer the more probing questions, some of us really get what you are saying without needing detail.

Geppili · 21/10/2019 15:01

Op when you say in your post 'he made a move' what did that involve? He sounds completely focused on his own pleasure.

Geppili · 21/10/2019 15:02

Does he know that he has never made you orgasm?

Geppili · 21/10/2019 15:04

Fetish:
a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc

I think it fits.