Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

I’m sorry if I seemed tetchy in my last message. I seem to be acting like a wounded animal at times. I really am grateful for the support on here and for everyone sharing their own painful experiences. It’s making me feel less stupid and less alone.

@At17

You didn’t sound remotely tetchy xxx and even if you did, bloody hell you have every right to be. You are entitled to every ounce of anger & sadness you feel! Do not minimise your pain for his sake (children aren’t different of course) fucking hell im so furious on your behalf!

So he wants to stay there living together but not like a couple so you can still look after him and he can enjoy a pick me dance? FUCK THAT. Has he said anything about how you talk to your DC about this??

Also I’m with other ppl - I think the friend is almost certainly the OW too

You sound completely lovely & he needs his sorry arse kicked from here to the middle of next week!

I meant Children are different

NC for this, so will try not to out myself. Dh and I have had a lot of problems this year, nearly split up on numerous occasions. A lot of the behaviour by males listed on this thread has been evident in dh recently, like saying he'll kill himself, make himself intentionally homeless, saying he won't have anything to do with DC if I ask him to leave. Says I have bullied him, all the problems are down to me, and his MH issues are my fault. Then he says if we split up he will not leave our home, but stay as a flatmate, because he doesn't trust that I would give him his share of our assets. I had no say whatsoever in all if this, because he says I have to be in control. It's all mind games. He says I am selfish but he is very manipulative. I don't have the strength to throw him out, and now he's on an about-turn and trying to be a supportive loving partner again. I don't trust him. I don't think the "loving husband" thing will last. I am a weak person.

In my ideal world I would sell our place, give him his share and live in a cheaper area if it meant I was rid of him. So I just want to say, if you were strong enough to get rid of your deadbeat partner, I have nothing but admiration for you. Be free, and be happy.

OP just wanted to send my support and say that none of this is your fault and you are NOT weak, just in shock and rightly so.

I am joining the chorus of suspicion about this friend who has also left her husband this week. At best I think it’s was inappropriate for him to go and see a female friend having just finished with you. I also think it’s hardly surprising that you might wonder if they were having an affair so his anger is completely unreasonable. He has sprung this on you out of the blue without so much of an offer of joint counselling when he was so unhappy all those years You are the one who should be cross about this.

You will and can be OK though,l. This happened to a friend earlier this year out of the blue, and while it has been a tough year for her, she is in a very positive, and much happier position now.

I would try to talk to someone OP, a close friend, so that you can relate what has happened and what is happening and get some third person perspective from someone who has your best interests at heart.

I personally think you've rumbled him, and his plans are in disarray now as the full consequences loom large and suddenly things might not be on his terms any more.

He probably wanted an easy story - that of an amicable break-up, happy co-parenting, and then a few months later the public presentation of a new relationship which was actually in process, emotionally at least, for some time. This preserves his image to all - he doesn't have to be the bad guy, and he has you on side when considering financial and childcare arrangements.

That doesn't mean anything has necessarily happened yet, if there is an OW (and yes - we are all speculating here.)

The thing is, IF this is what is happening, then things might still be recoverable, but he's been really disrespectful to you. Instead of treating you as a partner and discussing any issues honestly he is busy creating a narrative to absolve himself from consequences - he's acting selfishly - self-preservation is the name of his game.

TheSandman is right, he probably is having a hard time and trying to manage complex emotions himself, but I don't know that this excuses dishonesty and lack of respect towards you. If this is the case you need to work out if that's what you're prepared to put up with for the future.

Again - all 'ifs' - time will tell. You will get through this.

Tell him to leave as soon as he gets home. Who the hell does he think he is!! What an arsehole.

Sending strength for today, small steps

Op why did you move into the spare room? You are acting like a doormat. In the nicest possible way please get some self respect. Do not plead, do the pick me dance or feel bad for him. He has made this choice and he has ruined your family unit.

Op I think you need to tell the DC's, they are not stupid and will soon realise whats going on. Its just putting more pressure on yourself to try and keep it quiet for now.
Let their schools know what is happening, so they can receive support if necessary.

I went to work and cried a lot so they’re letting me stay in the office and help with admin and stock work today. I think my puffy face may well have scared the customers anyway!

I just keep thinking of all the things that will be difficult now, like Christmas, though I know this over-thinking is essentially useless.

I know we have to tell the children sooner rather than later, I’m just dreading it. I feel like I’m betraying their trust in me.

@At17 oh sweetheart you are not betraying their trust at all! You’re not the one who wants to leave xxx I don’t have any advice on how to break the news as I’ve not had to do it but I’m sure lots of ppl on here have and can advise

I’m glad work are being supportive too x

Op, I think you need to take a little bit of control here, instead of just being buffeted by the storm.

Go home and tell him he is in the spare room tonight, that as he wishes this, he needs to move in there, don't make this all about making his life easy.

It's a tiny bit of control but will likely make you feel better and him respect you more. I get you're thinking you'll not rock the boat and he might just change his mind, but sadly it doesn't work like that.

In addition try not to cry in his vicinity. Don't tell him you've been crying st work, it's just going to make things worse. I know it's hard, but try to do your crying on private. Even if you need to run a bath and go sit in there and bawl.

In front of him display some self respect, tell him he needs to make a plan and you need to know that plan as you need to tell the kids together and not confuse them more. He has to take the lead on telling the kids. He needs to own it. But with you present.

With their ages they will know there is a significant problem, so it's much better you can both decide what's occurring and then explain it to them, but not leave it dragging.

So HE decides it over HE decdies not to leave but he decides where he sleeps

absolutely not-take back some control even if you want it to work long term do not be booted out of your own bed he can move into the spare room

Cheaters script – he’s got it down pat!

but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years – re-writing history. The biggest tell-tale sign
He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do – the OW is probably in a relationship as well and they will need time to get a place of their own together. Or… he wants to keep his options open in-case things don’t work out with the OW.
I feel like I’m failing them so badly – STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT – YOU have not failed them. HE HAS.
He says that he wants something different – yep – he wants the OW
while he’s gone to meet a friend – Ohhh… she’s a ‘friend’ now is she!??
Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week – well that’s a bit of a coincidence – don’t you think!?? Stop being niaive OP. This is obvious to all of us!
So, not the OW which is something, I guess – he’s lying. She IS!!
They know each other through work but have socialised at work nights and the odd weekend thing – Please wake up and smell the coffee OP. No matter what he tells you right now – he IS lying.
I know that might sound weak but this was never in my plans – Plans change. Especially when someone has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want to be with you. He just wants all the luxury's you offer (housework, childcare, washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing) while he swans around with the OW.
I hate seeing him in this much pain – It’s an act. This then gets you to be his comfort. WTF???? What about you? What has he done to comfort you in all of this? FUCK ALL! It’s all about HIM.
Yes, we have a spare room so I’m in there for now – WHAT??? He throws this grenade into your marriage and YOU have to have the spare room. WOW OP. He’s done a real number on you.

Soooo… today you move all of his stuff from your shared bedroom into the spare room. HE can stay in there. You honestly won’t sleep properly for weeks even months! So make sure there are consequences to HIS actions now.

He doesn’t get the cushy home life and then off shagging OW. He wants to separate but live together, then that’s what you do. He does all of his own washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing, everything……
He won’t know what he’s losing if you don’t SHOW him, what he’s losing. It’s gonna be hard OP but you need some cool detachment now.

God, I know what you are going through. The sheer heartache. The physical pain. The feeling that someone has ripped your heart out of your chest. Then thrown it on the floor and shattered into a thousand pieces, and then, just for good measure, stomped all over those pieces.

YOUR DH HAS DONE THIS TO YOU!!!!!!

I cant imagine how hard today is for you OP...but please find you inner anger, stop letting him stay in the house, in your bed...he wants to go he can sod right off.

I agree, He does want to make it look that you (plural) aren't happy, this will alleviate his guilt & his DC, parents etc will not judge him badly.
He really does have his eye on someone else. Very likely this woman he ran to yesterday. His plan was to say that the love was gone & he later met new woman.
This is a lie. Don't let him lie to the DC.
Tell him you are not playing a pick me dance, he can fuck off to his new love.
Its what he wants after all.
Be careful he doesn't remove all joint funds.
Get copies of all mortgage/salary slips/ pension/savings. You will need this if the worst comes to the worst, & better to have it "in the bag" before he leaves & hides the financial info, which he will do to pay as little as possible for CMS.
Get a new on line bank account in your name, move any of "your" money, savings etc into it. Start by putting your salary etc into it. & squirrel as much as poss away.
Change your personal passwords on all media, unlink any clouds. & sharing you may have on each other's ipad etc.
Its time to hunker down.
Stop feeling sorry he's crying, he's not your child. He's the man who promised to love & cherish you. Who had babies with you.
He has totally broken the deal.
He gets what he wants but dont make it easy. Let him learn just what you do to make his life comfortable.
Tell him he can see DCs one week day after school, & EOW, starting as of the tomorrow when he leaves.
If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court, its the standard order.

OP, I think you sound wonderful, actually. Very best wishes. You will get through this.

On the OW question, a male friend of mine is ending his marriage, saying things very similar to your husband, and there is no one else on the scene -- although I think he is in part ending it in the hopes that there will be someone else in the future.

And I think he's going to get a shock, because I don't think there are that many people in the market for a slightly scruffy, chronically disorganised fiftysomething who is terrible with money and likes playing computer games.

But I don't think it makes all that much difference. It's just very male that he has total confidence that he will find someone. (I can't imagine his wife, slightly younger, is planning her future conquests with such alacrity.) And that he thinks that the possibility of another relationship in the future is worth ending his marriage he also did it out of the blue and making his wife and young daughters unhappy.

Obviously, he has the right to end his marriage, as anyone does, but there's an incredible sense of entitlement there that is blowing my mind.

Hell yes, HE should be in the spare room. Preferably on the world's lumpiest camp bed. It'll help focus his mind about getting out of your space entirely and giving you some much needed privacy.

@TheSandman
*
feeling trapped in what can turn into an endless childcare arrangement instead of a marriage.*

You sound like an utter charmer

Tell him to leave for a week or so. Don’t let him stay in the house because you’re worried about him going to the OW. If you have space, and he chooses to go to her, you would never have managed to recover your marriage anyway.

Be factual with the children, not emotional. Make sure he’s there, because there’s no fucking way you should have to deal with his shitty behaviour on your own. “Daddy has decided that he doesn’t want to be married to Mummy anymore. He doesn’t want to be husband and wife, he just wants to be friends. So he is going to live somewhere else, but you can still see him whenever you want to” or something along those lines?

No, I disagree, he needs to tell the kids, not the op, it's him that did it, so he needs to take responsibility. She needs to be there though.

Theoretically he should tell the children. But he’s obviously a total prick. So I’d want the wording to come from someone who isn’t a prick (ie me). He should be there to see how he’s hurt them though

I’ve had to take the day off work and he’s annoyed because he’s at home today and is finding me hard to be around right now! This almost made me laugh (bitterly.)

Anyway, he’s leaving tonight so at least I’ll have space to breathe.

I said I hope that living with his parents at 46 and seeing his children every other weekend brings him all the joy that he’s seeking.

I’m pretty angry today.