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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 22/10/2019 08:54

He also said that he will tell the children but will then take off “to give us some space.”

Erm, no. You don’t drop a bombshell on their lives and then run away. That’s not how this is happening.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/10/2019 08:59

You sound like you've found some anger at last OP!
It does take time and it comes and goes so make sure you harness it when it's there.
Don't let him put any of this on you.
This is HIS decision. My ExH wanted to tell our DD that we had fallen out of love. Not true and no, you cannot say that.
She figured out at 11 that he was cheating.
They are pretty savvy so it's best he doesn't try to lie to them.
HE doesn't want to be there. HE wants something different. HE has made this decision.
Reach out to family and friends.
Get some RL love and support around you.
Look after yourself!!!!

Fairylea · 22/10/2019 08:59

Anger is good. Get more angry. It helps.

prawnsword · 22/10/2019 09:07

I agree be angry but above poster sounds quite smug about their 11 year old working out their father was unfaithful to their mother. I think it’s adult responsibility to protect kids from all the gory details. I think telling them we fell out of love but we both still love you is fine. I don’t think they need to know who’s decision it was, or that daddy stopped loving mummy because he has a new girlfriend is healthy. They can learn it as they grow up. But I do think some people enjoy (for want of a better word) seeing their children be hurt by their father the same way he has hurt them. Otherwise why be so candid in front of the kids ?

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2019 09:12

How would you like it to happen op?

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 22/10/2019 09:28

i'd be tempted to speak to his parents, and arrange for the children to stay with them when he thinks he's "giving you some space", whilst also making sure they know exactly what he's been saying, and how much of a coward he's being.

but would completely understand if you'd want to absolutely smother them, to reassure them this isn't something they've done instead.

crocoonimper · 22/10/2019 09:56

Hi @At17

I know how you must feel.

My H told me about 18months ago that the spark had gone but he still loved me and wanted to try to move forward. I had had a bit of a crisis and moved jobs prior to this which made me realise I loved the job I had left and had a bit of a mini breakdown which he fully supported me through - but apparently for him this “drained” us. Work is sorted and I am very happy there now. H has always been an in the background type of guy and was happy supporting me and the kids. I have constantly challenged this over the years as I thought it was unhealthy and he should do more on his own. He has always maintained he is perfectly happy as he is so eventually I had given up and just carried on.

In 2016 he gave up booze completely - his parents have always been functional alcoholics and he felt he was drinking too much. He then had no way of relaxing and tbh it has been quite lonely for me at times because we have always drunk together, shooting the shit etc. But I understand kind of why he stopped and fully respect his decision.

Fast forward to Xmas 2018 when he then didnt love me any more. We did some counselling but he had detached and moved on months before in his head I think. He’s a copper and has boxed us into an “over and done with “ box.

We were going to move to save money and downsize so this became a natural split - I have been on my own with the kids since early Sep in the new house. He moves into a new build next week but has been sofa surfing.

If you saw us together, there is no conflict, it’s as though our relationship has always been just friends, there is NOTHING for me to be screaming about as there is no other woman , no reason.

One of my closest friends has split with her husband and we have been supporting each other, she and H also get on well and for a while there...... but I am 99% sure there is nothing going on. A shit way to feel about my own doubts though.

He is a brilliant father and the only time I have seen him cry was the day we told the kids.

I am SCReAMING inside every day but there is no outlet.

I believe him in terms of the no one else but at the same time I just don’t understand how, after 21 years married and 25 years together, he can just walk away for nothing other than “wanting to be on his own”.

At17 I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling unloveable.

I really hope that you can find a way to get him to communicate properly with you but for the time being he needs to leave so that you can process all this. Meet on neutral ground when YOU are ready. I’m so sorry. Mid life crisis or OW or nothing- it all hurts the same xxxxx

Mix56 · 22/10/2019 09:57

Unspeakable behaviour from him.
You can't work as he has hurt you so badly,he then is angry that you are in "his" space.
Such a good thing he is moving out. He may start to feel the reality.

Also One of my brothers moved back to M+D's house, claiming he wasn't happy, swore there was no one else. Christmas came by & he went alone to a Northern town (other end of country) for the festivities.... & oooo surprise, we discover a short time later that his new friend from this town. She was indeed the OW all along.

Lying. to get out of trouble shows how despicably weak they are.

crocoonimper · 22/10/2019 10:14

Just to reassure you At17 that the kids have been brilliant. I have 17 year old twin boys and a 13 year old girl. Because we sat down all together, because I let him lead as I felt it was his choice to go therefore his responsibility to tell them, because I stamped down on the “I love your Dad and this is all his decision NOT mine” shrieking in my head.

They seem to understand that whatever is wrong with us; nothing will change for them.

I think without the kids and work and the need to keep going, I would be in a different place which occasionallyI find myself in but friends and family pull me out again. Don’t suffer alone, talk to your nearest and dearest and accept support. Xxx

Original poster
At17 · 22/10/2019 10:16

He’s told me it’s all my fault. I don’t understand him, he’s had to support me too much over the years, he’s wanted to leave for ten years but only just found the courage. That he would have left before but was worried about my mental health so stayed out of pity. That he feels like he’s been dying inside every day.

OP posts:
TooTrusting · 22/10/2019 10:19

My exH wanted us to tell the children together before he left. I said no. I didn't want their lasting memory to be of him walking down the driveway. He thankfully agreed and I told them in my own way.

Original poster
At17 · 22/10/2019 10:25

In fairness to him, I have had bouts of depression and anxiety over the years. That hasn’t been easy for him at all.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 22/10/2019 10:30

Hi OP, I've been following your thread and your last post has upset me so much on your behalf. How dare he lay this on you! How very dare he!

Please do not engage with him any more. I'm so sorry but I hope you now see there is no way back and he does not want a way back. You now need to get cold and hard and take control of your life. He does not get to deicide. As others have said upthread, he is way ahead of you on this - probably years ahead.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP and you need to get financial advice. Call a friend who is very logical and hard headed and good with numbers and get them over to plan your financial well being. You can get through this now by taking control of your life - this man will not be a part of it anymore but you need to get a good financial plan in place for you and your DC.

I fear he will get very mean OP so you need to be prepared - everything will be a battle and there will be many more bombshells exploded.

Stay strong.

catyrosetom2 · 22/10/2019 10:31

Sorry but I would be absolutely spitting that that latest OP. Your fault because you have had anxiety and depression? Give me a break. If he was so unhappy he should have suggested Relate or encouraged you to get counselling, or accompanied you to a GP to discuss medication, not kept quiet and dropped a bombshell, then buggered off to meet a female friend. Fucking men.

Many parents have anxiety and depression. It’s not a reason to pass on the blame to someone for deciding one day you want to leave a marriage.

catyrosetom2 · 22/10/2019 10:32

Same here @Annasgirl. I am practically spitting into my coffee at this numpty.

stucknoue · 22/10/2019 10:35

@At17 I had the same thing, he had wanted to leave for 12 years apparently - it's now "his time" though ironically he still wants to come round for dinner!!!

Stay strong, get good advice- there's lots of online calculators and spreadsheets are your friend. Negotiate tough but fair (they need to be able to eat) getting 1/3 of his income as a guide, admittedly he's a high earner

Fairylea · 22/10/2019 10:41

He’s just saying that to make himself feel better. His ego is massive.

mummmy2017 · 22/10/2019 10:44

Wait till he finds out he is not what he was 25 years ago.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/10/2019 10:45

The thing with the 'pick me' dance is that either you are doing it against another woman who is shiny and new and desperate to keep him too, and will therefore have the advantage, or if there is no OW, you are performing it to the inside of his head, and asking him to 'pick you' over his fantasies of what life outside the marriage holds.

It is, quite simply, never going to work.

Glad you've found your anger, OP. It will help you through the worst bits.

Original poster
At17 · 22/10/2019 11:04

He told me that he never wanted to get married, that I pushed him into it.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/10/2019 11:09

He told me that he never wanted to get married, that I pushed him into it

Oh ffs! did you also push him into having DC? All these years he's been your prisoner. The poor man Hmm

Classic rewriting of history.

aweedropofsancerre · 22/10/2019 11:10

He will say what ever he feels to ensure that you are to blame as it then in his head justifies his shitty behaviour. Wonder if he regrets his DC given that he is now even suggesting he didn’t want to marry you. You must be a very persuasive woman to ‘force’ a grown man to get married. Tell him to keep his shitty comments to himself and own his decision

catyrosetom2 · 22/10/2019 11:15

I feel like you maybe need to buy a violin for this man. Hmm

mummmy2017 · 22/10/2019 11:16

You do know this is all lies.
He is just rewriting you history so he is not the bad guy.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/10/2019 11:23

I bet he trotted out the "my wife doesn't understand me" to his newly single friend, too.

They really do work to a script, don't they?

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