Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

Why on earth are you in the spare room!

Tomorrow, move back in yours and dump move his stuff in the spare.

Are your accounts joint? Don't let him empty them.

See a solicitor.

Stop cooking/washing/ironing/anything for him

Why are you in the spare room op?

My heart goes out to you, if you stay together you will never trust him , every time he is late or goes out, you will always be thinking is he with another woman.
What would you advise a friend going through this
Think of yourself and your children, have a break from him, give yourself time to digest all this, then you're more likely to make a clear decision
Good luck, you deserve better than what you're going through

Good luck at work tomorrow OP.
The break away in a familiar space will hopefully give you some headspace and keep your mind busy and off of the situation at home.

Is there any chance you can get your H to use the spare room tonight instead and you can have your room back? You may not sleep much at all but you'd have a better chance of dropping off even for a short while in your own room and usual bed.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I’m afraid my first thought was “cherchez la femme”

His rewriting history of he’s not been happy for years is CLASSIC cheaters script!

His not wanting to leave immediately suggests she is also married/in a committed relationship and possibly has children of her own that she doesn’t want knowing she cheated on their father...be prepared for him to do a volte face if she chickens out and he suddenly says he’s staying, willing to do counselling etc.

The FIRST thing you need to do is protect yourself financially and legally. Whatever the reason he is no longer your ally and you MUST act accordingly. Joint accounts - open a sole account with a different bank ASAP. I’ve seen so many times on here “he’d never do that to me/kids” only for “him” to do exactly that! I was a sahm with no income of my own when we split within days he’d emptied the joint current AND savings account.

“He says that he wants something different but doesn’t know what that is right now.” That sounds like long game cheaters script, I suspect he’s planning to make out he’s got himself a “bachelor pad”, ends your relationship and moves out, then within 3 months max he’ll be in a “new” relationship and will swear blind “nothing happened” until after he split from you.

Staying in the marital home (with you still cooking his meals and washing his skiddy pants?! I think not!!) is cruel and completely unreasonable, no, if he wants to split he gets lost!

“Shes not the OW. She’s a friend who also left her marriage this week” I think you’re bring incredibly naive if you believe that the timing is far too close to be coincidental!

“My ex swore on his mother's life there was nobody else.” Mine swore on dds - even if I hadn’t had other proof the baby that turned up barely 7 months after we split proved him the liar he was

“because he got angry when I asked him about his friend and whether she is the OW” you asked something perfectly reasonable in the circumstances his denial proves nothing.

I’d bet good money he’s in the bedroom deleting any incriminating texts/messages/call records/photos and pre-warning her in case you contact her husband.

Tears are not necessarily a sign of conscience but self pity and guilt as pps said. He’s crying cos shit got real! He’s no longer in a rose tinted bubble of star crossed romance

Why are YOU in the spare room? Ow or not HE is the one wants to end things, spare room for him at the very least!!

You REALLY need to find your anger and find a real life confidante, mum, sister, aunt?

Remember your H's emotions are ahead of yours, he was thinking about this, had time to process. That makes life really had for you.

I think his tears are because he realises this is getting real and he will be leaving. You are in shock whixh is several stages behind him.

What about your family?

@at17 keeping busy might be helpful. You can always log in here and chat to us. I dont have anyone IRL to talk to either, only my sister who is in another country. But we have MN you're not alone . A day at a time.

Hi OP. The exact same out-of-the-blue sideswipe happened to me almost exactly a year ago. Suddenly my H of 14 years apparently no longer loved me, hadn't been happy for years, and it was all my fault. He took a week away to make up his mind, then stayed a month, we told our DD6 together, and then he moved out.

Reading your thread is eerie as I recognise so much of the initial shock and grasping for interpretations. I also recognise the chorus of OW. In my case there turned out not to be (or at least things fizzled out before they got started).

I'm still in the family home. We now co-parent well. Alongside the grief, and after the initial, horrific 3 months, I've actually had a pretty amazing year and am surprisingly OK. As will you be, and so will your kids. We're just about to start negotiating the financial settlement and will wait another year to divorce by mutual consent.

Anyhow, here are my survival tips fwiw:

1. Tell people. I have had an army of friends, family, neighbours, and colleagues behind me. They truly saved me via their listening ears, practical help (car; childcare), food, drink, and love.

1. Protect your mental and physical space. Get OH out of the house as soon as you can. We avoided each other as best we can, but the nights he was here were horrible.

1. Do your research. I talked to solicitors very soon after OH's announcement. They were adversarial and scary but I'm glad I got an idea of the world I might soon be entering. I also spoke to the mortgage provider and independent financial advisors. It's all information to add to your reserves. Tell your kids’ teacher if they’re of school age so they can keep an eye.

1. Dial things down at work if you possibly can. Processing the shock takes huge amounts of emotional energy.

1. Aim for a balance of time between quiet, processing time for you, confiding in close friends, quality time with your children, and some 'normal' socialising with a wider circle of friends. Not too much of each. The latter is the hardest as those benign topics of holidays, xmas, and other people's partners take on a dark shadow, but it's good to keep some perspective.

1. When you feel able to, eat well and exercise. Obvious, I know, but more important than ever. I used sleeping tablets for the first week, without worry. Don’t drink alone.

Getting out of bed was hard for a while. But this is the situation you’ve been handed, and you can make the best of it. Good luck x

Why are you in the spare room????

Bless you OP. That's so sad. Try and take one day at a time if you can. No big decisions need to be made until you have come to terms with this. Sending you hugs

He tells you it’s over and you head to the spare room.... dear god if my DH dumped that on me with no warning I would have asked him to leave and certainly would not be heading to the spare room. As I would need to get some head space.... your not his mother and he doesnt want you to be his wife anymore. You need to protect yourself

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Its horrendous. You are in shock, news like this is so hard to take in. He needs to leave asap as its too painful for you. He’s crying because he feels bad. Its very likely he has met someone and the “friend” is the OW. They often deny the truth and rarely leave without someone to go to. Get him packed and out - you may think he’ll change his mind if he stays but it wont help. Honestly it wont.

Phone in sick and tell him to as well. Have it out with him and chuck him out, otherwise you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.
Let him go, he's crying because his plans are ruined, he's even denying, following the script at point number 1.
Why don't you think you deserve better or that he is even on your side anymore? Gosh, I know that's harsh, he's emotionally gone, don't fight for something that won't come back.

I'd go with the both taking the day off, too. Then you can talk properly without the kids being around. And you can plan, and he can pack.

Chumplady.com is a godsend he's reading right off the script

OP, I am so sorry for your devastation.

Your H is treating you with contempt by throwing this grenade into your life and then expecting to live in your home while you suffer.

He is way ahead of you and has an agenda. This friend is very likely the OW, and they are waiting for the right time to be together. I think he is lying to you.

You would be wise to tell him to leave now. He says it is over, so he needs to go. You need space to process your grief without his presence adding to your torment. Do not allow him to control your narrative. Get angry, OP. He is not your friend.

I'm terribly sorry OP but I would bet my house there is another woman waiting.

Nobody really calls time on a long standing relationship with children unless there's an alternative waiting in the wings.

Get your shit together, all financials and be ready for an ugly fight.

It's awful, and the realisation is dreadful, but sadly it's more than likely the truth.

Being at work today could be a blessing in disguise OP by taking your mind off things for a while.
I hope you managed to get some sleep and are not feeling too awful this morning.

Thank you all for your comments. @cloudbusting42, it was so helpful to read your experience and you’ve given me hope.

Why was I in the spare room? Because trying to sleep in ‘our’ bed just wasn’t happening. I kept crying and in the end I thought I would be better off somewhere more neutral. That said, I barely slept at all so perhaps my plan was flawed anyway.

I always thought I’d be tougher than this. Reading threads on here, I would sometimes wonder why posters didn’t just kick their DH out. “Have a bit of self respect!” I would think. It turns out that in real life it’s a lot harder and more complicated than that.

Or perhaps I’m just a lot weaker than I thought. I’m exhausted, I know that much.

You're not weak. You're exhausted and in shock and will experience a range of emotions.

Anger is the one you need. You will be strong - especially when it all comes out in the wash, which it will.

Just look after yourself.

Try to be kind to your self, just remember this situation is not your fault. If he was really that unhappy then he should have spoken to you before it got to this stage so that you could have worked together to try to improve things. I would try to focus on work today to get some head space, it will be over whelming if you just going over it constantly. Can you speak to or meet up with a friend so they can give you a bug hug and some support. 💐

@At17

It's really emotionally exhausting, I think I spent a month basically sleeping when I wasn't actually working. As mums we also put our kids first (unlike wayward h's) so if you have a spare room it is more convenient for one of you to move into it. I kept my room though, it has the cupboards. 7 months on he's just moved out but we have a provisional financial agreement etc in place. It's not plain sailing the kids aren't being very nice to him! But stay strong and pm me if you want to chat irl. You really are not alone, I had great support from a Mumsnetter a few months ahead of me to keep me sane.

No one was suggesting you were wrong for wanting to be away from him by sleeping in the spare room, they were just outraged that he wasn’t the one to sleep in it! Why should he get the comfort of his own bed when he’s the one ending things? That’s the slant people were taking.

Emotional stress is exhausting. I genuinely felt my heart was physically breaking for weeks. I cried non stop most days. I couldn’t eat or think straight. It was just horrendous. But it does gradually lift. Once you have some distance between you and your dh you’ll be able to think a bit clearer, that distance doesn’t necessarily have to be him moving out, it can be just taking yourself out away from him for the whole day or a few days.

Don’t push yourself to go to work if you don’t feel you can manage it. I walked out of work 3 days afterwards as I just couldn’t cope and I didn’t go back (I ended up managing on income support for a while).

I really feel for you OP. While gaslighting me about having an affair, my ex pulled the I’m not happy BS, I don’t know if I want to stay married, while I moved heaven and earth to make things better, he carried on with the emotional affair that had been going on for some time and turned it into a physical affair. I was so ashamed that I had been a bad wife I couldn’t tell anyone for weeks. When he finally ponied up to the truth, the pain of it was unbelievable. I asked him if he wanted to fix it and he said no, so I told him to GTFO of the house. He left the next morning. Like you, I was desperate to fix things, we have two young children. So I spent 6 weeks pick me dancing (when I thought I wasn’t) and then he moved back in. Only he left after barely 2 weeks later. This caused me and the children more heartache and stress than you can imagine. I’m just over 6 months down the line and I can already see how much better off we are without him. How much he engineered the situation to make me look like the bad guy in all of it. I loved Chump Lady, it made me feel strong when I felt like I couldn’t get up some days. Sending you strength and love. You didn’t deserve any of this.