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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 20/10/2019 19:39

OP Find your anger. If he was your best friend, he would have spoken to you about any unhappiness or dissatisfaction he was feeling and find ways together to make it work, instead he has dropped a bomb on you.

She is the OT, not that it matters, the result will be the same. I know you don’t want a divorce but he does, he has made that decision. What are you going to decide? Ask him to leave and give you some space, it is the least he could do for you.

He is following the script to a T, please don’t be taken in by him or give him any comfort.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. You haven’t let your children down, he has.

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/10/2019 19:40

"Ideally, he wants us both to stay in the house but not as a couple.`'

Aka the benefits of marriage but being single.

You are in shock @At17, I will tell you what I was told (but was too shocked to believe and too paralysed to act on it) ...

throw him out NOW. "Up with this, I will not put". ASSERT your self respect and refuse to allow him his 'confusion and depression' in your space.

Paradoxically, it is the only chance to save you marriage you have (I understood and tried to love my ex better for 3 years). Modelling self respect and taking his home away could shock him into sense.

You must live as though you are alone anyway. And tell the children.

MadeForThis · 20/10/2019 19:42

The best I can imagine is that he spoke to this woman at length about how unhappy she was in her relationship and this made him question your marriage.

Worst case scenario they are having an affair.

You won't know unless he tells the truth or they reveal their relationship.

Regardless you need to stop feeling sorry for him and get angry. You need to look after yourself and your dc. Dont play the pick me game. It will only prolong the hurt.

If you can have a rational discussion with him ask him to leave. You need some space to come to terms with the end of your marriage. How dare he make you feel sorry for him.

Zeldasmagicwand · 20/10/2019 19:42

What a tosser. Textbook denial. Get angry and blame the wife for perceived minor issues whilst denying everything. Angry

Make him leave today.
He needs a reality check that he's not the one holding all the cards.

Lots of men who have affairs do try to go back when they realise the enormity of what they've done but it usually takes weeks or months before reality dawns. In the meantime, try to focus on your family and day to day activities to keep going.

Playing the 'pick me' game isn't the way to get him back and hopefully, as the days go by, you'll realise how much better off you are without him.

Lots of us have been through this shit scenario and eventually come out the other side much, much happier, but it's crap in the beginning and you have to hang on in there. Thanks

VenusTiger · 20/10/2019 19:42

If it’s a shock to you, and as you say, DH has been unhappy for years (why they can’t tell you then is beyond me!!!) then your children are going to be well and truly shocked as well OP, therefore I think he’s right about staying for a while, for the children to come to terms with it.
You’ll both have to tell them soon though.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 19:43

OP if he is having an affair, or about to start one, he'll have two women dancing attendance on him if you allow him to stay in the marital home. Please think about that.

TheSandman · 20/10/2019 19:46

Right. Just because a man is crying doesn't mean he's trying to manipulate you. He might be - only you know how good an actor he is.

He's more likely crying because he genuinely confused and upset by this too. He's being a shit and he knows it. He doesn't want to hurt you but he is. He doesn't want to lose his kids but he might. Yes, he wants his cake and eat it. Yes, his life would be so much simpler if you 'understood' and the kids were 'grown up' about it. he has TeachesOPeaches says 'Fucked it up'. Men don't like to fuck up.
He's not faking this. He doesn't know what to do either.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 19:46

Op, does he want to stay in the house for financial reasons? Can he afford to let you have it and also for him to have his own place?

Where is this woman living? Do you know?

And what's his plan? He moves into a spare room?

ashtrayheart · 20/10/2019 19:47

OP please. You are worth more than this - hanging on waiting for him to choose your fate!

He needs to fuck off while YOU decide what you want, not the other way round.

MaeveDidIt · 20/10/2019 19:48

This ..............ask him to leave OP, if he's ever going to come back to you, he needs to understand what he's losing.

It's totally natural and understandable to do the pick-me-dance, but he will very likely see you as desperate and weak - you need to be a challenge to him after the bomb-shell he's just dropped and not the other way round.

So sorry this has happened to you 💐

saraclara · 20/10/2019 20:00

Can people please not say that he's DEFINITELY having an affair with this woman?

Seriously, none of us knows that. It's ridiculous to post with such authority about something one knows nothing about. It really doesn't help the OP, whether or not it's true.

Newmumma83 · 20/10/2019 20:02

So sorry this has happened

You are quite a bit behind the grieving process so don’t be surprised if you can keep up with him.

I would suggest making a go of things or you start to plan for separation / create boundaries if he feels that he is not willing to give it a go.

The planing time is also giving him time to think but really he has been thinking and having head space for a while now ... it’s not fair to fling this on you request a single life with married benefits ( minus the sex I guess )

Life doesn’t work that way and if he cares for you he should help work towards a way that is as amicable and least painful for you all.

I would arrange to go out with your friends or hang out and chat this through with friends that may want to actually kill him but can keep a secret and would forgive him if this all turns around in the future ( for the love of you not him )

And he can stay home with the kids.

It is suspicious timing with his friend ... and you are not crazy to have questioned it, if he tries to act indignant just explain that he is so our of character and you are so behind where he is in the separation that you are going to consider all possibilities no? ( I am still suspicious to be honest .. even if they haven’t cheated it’s not as innocent as he protests )

Helmetbymidnight · 20/10/2019 20:12

if you really do want him to pick you (and i think you might regret that) then its even more important to get him out and take control.
he will find the assertive- im not going to put up with this shit you far far more desirable than someone who will just accept anything he does. fake it til you make it- dont let him screw you over.

Startingoveragain1 · 20/10/2019 20:12

OW or not your mental health needs to come first for you and your dc . Living with him when you didnt chose to break the family is gonna be torture for u no matter how hard u dont want this to happen. Think of an amount of time that youre comfortable with so he can find somewhere and tell him. (Thats what im doing myself ) that way its not like ure kickin him out . You cant have the peraon that has deatroyed your future around you. Its not healthy

Startingoveragain1 · 20/10/2019 20:14

If theyre big enough to decide to destroy a family (they havent decided this in a week or 2...) then they should have planned wtf they were gonna do next. They just cant do anythin right...

Dontknowwhyidoit · 20/10/2019 20:15

You need to choose you, you need to get some space away from him so that you can let the initial shock and pain wear off so that you can begin to think clearly. You do don't have to make any decisions but I would advise seeing a solicitor to see where you stand financially. He should go stay in a hotel or with family and give you this space if he has any respect for you. I have been through a breakup of a 10 yr and 2 kids relationship, he was unfaithful a number of times and denied it every time and I chose to believe him as the alternative was devistating. You will get through this and so will your children 💐💐

Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 20:27

Thank you all again. Some of this has been hard to read, especially being called a mug and a doormat, but I get that’s it’s coming from a place of kindness.

I believe him, or perhaps choose to believe him, about his friend because, right now, this situation hurts enough. I really just want things to be as peaceful as possible for our children. And I think you’re all right, having him here is having a negative effect and I’m struggling to keep my emotions in check. I don’t want to be shouting or sobbing in front of the children, and I fear that I’m too weak to stop myself if he doesn’t go, even temporarily.

Yes, we have a spare room so I’m in there for now. Tomorrow, I’ll talk to him properly (trying to keep calm) about him moving out for a while.

This is breaking my heart.

OP posts:
RLOU30 · 20/10/2019 20:28

What @helmetbymidnight says

I only hope you feel empowered doing so and end up changing your mind about staying with him

RLOU30 · 20/10/2019 20:30

Why are you in the spare room??? I hope it's because the beds more comfy!

longtimelurkerhelen · 20/10/2019 20:33

WTF are you in the spare room, why should you be more uncomfortable.

Mix56 · 20/10/2019 20:38

He wants to leave, he can start by moving out of the marital bed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2019 20:41

Can people please not say that he's DEFINITELY having an affair with this woman?

It's possible that he's telling the truth. Sometimes when something neighs, whinneys, sleeps in a stable, eats grass and trots, it's a zebra. But in this case the coincidences would be:

He has a newish female friend
That the wife hasn't met
Who got separated at exactly the same time
And he wanted to talk to as soon as he split up with his wife
And he acts defensively and angrily when his wife asks about it.

It's a really stripey horse.

And it's fine to enjoy the denial for a while OP. And feel shit and hope it's not the case. But make ABSOLUTELY NO decisions based on thinking he's telling the truth. None. Because you will regret these.

And have him sleep in the shed spare room. Not you.

TuttiFrutti123 · 20/10/2019 20:44

Do you have anyone in RL that you can confide in OP? Someone who you can talk things through with to try to process what's going on?

Flowers
Original poster
At17 · 20/10/2019 20:50

I don’t really have anyone I can call on to come over and chat, but it’s really helped posting on here. I can be difficult to be around in real life because I’m quite anti-social.

I have a ten hour shift tomorrow, only in a shop so nothing too taxing, but I’m dreading it somewhat. The thought of being friendly and ‘up’ seems daunting right now.

OP posts:
litterbird · 20/10/2019 20:56

My heart is breaking for you knowing you are sitting in the spare room trying to keep it together. I hope he can see the error of his ways and accepts what bombshell he has dropped and tries to fix it or go. What you know for sure is he has a female friend who he has confided in straight away who has just left her husband that you have never met. Thats all you know as fact. Just stick to that and get some space from your husband to think clearly. If you go into work and you feel you cannot cope then leave and come home. Talk to your children as they will pick up all of this and they have a right to know.