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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 30/10/2019 13:14

Yes, you can't know what he's told her. He might even have said the decision was mutual, or implied that you in some way instigated it. He could have said that you asked him to leave and leave out the events that led up to you asking him to leave. She probably at this moment doesn't know what to think and is in shock. She's reached out to you. If you behave with dignity - and have no doubt you're capable of it and it's your natural mode - she'll soon see where the blame lies.

Mix56 · 30/10/2019 13:15

So the start of his new & thrilling adventure is getting off to a really great start isn't it !
Going back to live with his Mummy, with the occasional night in a hotel
I would fill her in on some of his fuckwittery

TeddyBeans · 30/10/2019 13:50

@AT17 just RTFT and I have to say you have been amazingly strong throughout all of this. What a wonderful role model you are to your children ❤

I was put in exactly your position almost 3 months ago (though we weren't married and DS is only a baby) and I had weeks of random out of the blue sobbing and then it just stopped. You realise the person you love is effectively dead and you grieve for what you've lost but life carries on. You will get through all of this! Just keep taking one day at a time my lovely

Star81 · 30/10/2019 14:36

Just read all this and with all you’ve had to take in within such a short period of time I think your doing amazingly !

ginforthewin4 · 30/10/2019 15:06

Wow. Hats off to you OP.
My heart aches for you after reading the full thread. But what an utter DICK he is.
Good. Ridance.

Innishh · 30/10/2019 16:32

Do you think the OW DH rumbled their affair?

Have you told the children yet?

Original poster
At17 · 30/10/2019 17:17

Our children know now, yes. He laid it on very thick with how he is doing this for all of us. My son asked why his dad’s happiness is more of a priority than his children’s. He also asked what we’ve done to try and make things work. Sadly nothing as I wasn’t aware that things were broken until I was told. My husband said we’ve been trying for months but things have just got too bad.

OP posts:
Innishh · 30/10/2019 17:26

That’s a big milestone for you At17 - his DCs will judge him by his actions not his words. Do they know about the OW?

You just need to keep your dignity with your DCs and continue to sooth their pain and confusion after their Dads has inflicted this almighty mess on them.

Your DCs will judge you by your actions too.

HandsOffMyRights · 30/10/2019 17:33

My son asked why his dad’s happiness is more of a priority than his children’s

Children really cut through the crap don't they?

Keep going OP, you are doing well and the children know that none of this is your/their doing. You will be strong for them and they will see how bloody brilliant their mother is.

Countryescape · 30/10/2019 17:39

You’re doing so well IP. I would put a stop to him lying to the kids though. He certainly didn’t work on anything

Innishh · 30/10/2019 17:43

I hope that your DS asked that directly of his Dad? If not and he asks again - ask him gently to ask his Dad - don’t feel you have to sugar coat it.

Did your DS get the truth from you after his Dads lies about “trying for months”?

Don’t let him get away with his deluded narrative - keep to the simple facts

Alwaysgrey · 30/10/2019 17:50

What a slimy piece of shit he is. Kids will see through it. He’s doing all this for you all? Oh how kind he is. What a grade a wank puffin he is!

TuttiFrutti123 · 30/10/2019 17:59

My son asked why his dad’s happiness is more of a priority than his children’s. He also asked what we’ve done to try and make things work

Your son is a credit to you OP. He's displayed a maturity far above his years. You must be really proud of him that he saw straight through his Dad's selfishness and BS.
It's a shame the kids think that you did both try to work through it for months though due to his lies (he's probably told your MIL the same) but hopefully you will set them straight that this break up came as a total bolt out of the blue with no forewarning and that he never gave your relationship the chance to work on it before calling quits.
It would be horrible for them to think that they thought you knew for a while that things were on the rocks and had kept it from them rather than preparing them for the worst.

Hugs Flowers

Allegorical · 30/10/2019 19:25

Don’t feel the need to cover for him or protect him op. Tell them the truth. My mum tried to protect me from the worst of my dads lies and behaviour. It didn’t do me any good in the long run. Just took me longer to see him for what he was. Tell them he left you, you didn’t think there was a problem until he left and you haven’t had a chance to work on things.

Original poster
At17 · 30/10/2019 19:34

It’s so hard. We told them yesterday and I don’t want to badmouth him but also I don’t want them to think this is my idea too. Getting the balance is difficult. He said he was going straight to his mum’s but she said today that he didn’t get back until midnight. Why lie?

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 30/10/2019 19:34

Ugh. Now I just sound petty and obsessed with his whereabouts.

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 30/10/2019 19:38

Because he’s a liar. He’s still trying to make out he’s a decent bloke so you’ll cover for him. You don’t have to berate him to the kids but you can also be honest. That it’s their dad’s choice. The more you post about him the more he sounds like a selfish idiotic dickhead. My friend’s dh did similar. Followed the script but had met a woman online (shared interest) and they just understood each other. He barely sees the kids but is off galavanting around the globe with him and his new woman’s hobby.

Alwaysgrey · 30/10/2019 19:38

I’m sending you a virtual hug, wine, chocolate and a big blanket and buckets of sympathy.

0SometimesIWonder · 30/10/2019 19:49

I don't think telling your children that their father wanting to split with you isn't what you want nor was it your idea can be a bad thing.
You won't be badmouthing him but simply telling the truth; and they deserve the truth.

JoyceJeffries · 30/10/2019 19:50

You’re not obsessed or pathetic - you’ve been blindsided. But, all things considered you are doing incredibly well.

0SometimesIWonder · 30/10/2019 19:50

Sorry, meant to add, you really don't have to cover for him.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/10/2019 19:50

I like the sound of your boy @At17 - he's a real credit to you.

I wouldn't badmouth your husband but equally I wouldn't lie. I'd be non-commital and/or tell them to ask their dad,whichever is most appropriate.

Having said there do not let them think that you were anything other than blindsided by this. They need to know that you're as shocked as they are. Otherwise they will feel horribly betrayed by both of you and you haven't done anything wrong.

JoyceJeffries · 30/10/2019 19:51

I agree that telling your children that this isn’t what you want would be helpful for them.

TuttiFrutti123 · 30/10/2019 19:54

I would tell them the truth OP that this was his idea alone and you had no input and if you do that you will not be bad mouthing him. You are simply being honest and that's what the kids need just now, facts and someone they can totally trust and you are that person.
Don't cover for him and sugarcoat this bomb he has dropped into your family life. This is all on him. If he's not happy you told them the truth TOUGH!

ScreamingLadySutch · 30/10/2019 19:57

"He also asked what we’ve done to try and make things work. Sadly nothing as I wasn’t aware that things were broken until I was told. My husband said we’ve been trying for months but things have just got too bad."

Otherwise known as CUNT STRUCK. Stupid ass but sadly he will only get it when the Power of Pussy wanes

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