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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 29/10/2019 22:49

I’m sad and angry and pathetic and ridiculous. I don’t know that I deserve any praise.

I am a great mum though.

OP posts:
CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 29/10/2019 22:54

You only feel like that about your self (apart from the positive good mum) because of a situation you are in that isn’t your fault.

Let the process happen, stages will come and go, you will get through this.

We are all rooting for you

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/10/2019 23:43

I’m sad and angry and brave and have been betrayed by my arsehole husband

There. Fixed it for you. Smile

I think you're doing so well. Of course you're devastated. Anyone would be. Give yourself a break - and a bit of love.

HandsOffMyRights · 29/10/2019 23:47

No you're not.

He's made you think that you are, but we're not seeing that.
You are strong and thoughtful and caring and deserving of a nice future.
Please give yourself a break.

He's pathetic. And he's a shit parent, unlike you.

Robin2323 · 29/10/2019 23:59

You are a strong woman going through a horrible experience.
Hugs Thanks

feckinarse · 30/10/2019 01:10

I remember feeling ridiculous and humiliated. Like I'd been fooled and the world was laughing at me.

Those emotions are not correct. They FELT correct, but in fact, the shame was a kind of response to the sudden and surprising rejection/bad treatment from the person I trusted most.

Bollocks. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was treating him how you're supposed to treat a husband.

And the same is true for you. You're the one with the big, good heart who was being a kind, decent, trusting person. And that's how we want to live in the world, isn't it?
HE is the one who is pathetic, ridiculous and stupid, not you. He's kidding himself and lying to himself and others, not you.

It's not pathetic to break down and sob over a coffee mug or picture, or story in the news. It's not pathetic to grieve.

It's pathetic to abandon your family.

You're doing really well. And we are all so impressed by your strength.

justilou1 · 30/10/2019 02:08

You’re only repeating what he’s led you to believe. Listen to us. We’re all awesome!!! We know MUCH better than he does!!!
We spotted him for the spineless arsewipe that he is, didn’t we?

AnyMinuteNow · 30/10/2019 03:22

He's assassinating you because you got angry. You're not allowed to, and if you've had bouts of depression, who can be surprised after hearing the way he is.

Hes all 'well how very dare you have a backbone and be angry' so has to pull you to bits to knock you down.

Don't listen to him being nasty. Hes just being nasty. He will just not have you being angry. Too bad.

You be angry. You've every right. He thought he had all this under control and he could totally manage how it was all going to go and you're threatening all his well made plans with your own ideas about this should go!! Good for you.

Deep friendship. Bollocks. The wife never understands crap. Hmm

Yeah, he can explain all this to the dc. You watch but stay out of it. The dc will be hurt if he tries to blame you so its important to pull him on that if he tries it

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/10/2019 08:35

Sad and angry? Well, yes, who wouldn't be?

Pathetic? Well, by the traditional meaning yes, pathos - a quality which evokes pity or sadness. Pathetic in the modern meaning of spineless - absolutely the opposite.

And ridiculous? Compared to a middle aged man who talks about him suddenly leaving his wife and children as a 'new adventure for us all'? AHAHAHAHA. No.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2019 08:36

I’m sad and angry and pathetic and ridiculous
What????
You are allowed to be sad.
You are allowed to sob for hours on end.
You are certainly allowed to be angry.
In fact, it helps massively if you are. Get the anger out. Harness it!
But.... you are certainly NOT pathetic or ridiculous.
You are dealing with all of this with dignity and being a great role model for your DC.
Stop listening to him and his bullshit.
You are awesome.
Look in the mirror and keep saying it out loud to yourself.
Be proud of you and how far you have come.

suggestionsplease1 · 30/10/2019 09:17

Listen to what all these posters are saying, OP - allow yourself to be sad and angry, but you are not pathetic or ridiculous. You had trust and faith in a man who didn't deserve it, and that's on him.

The qualities that you have are valuable, good ones and they have been abused on this occasion - but don't lose them altogether as a result of this. Just don't direct them at this man anymore. Have faith in yourself and it will allow you to deal with a break in faith from others more easily.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/10/2019 10:06

Being sad and angry doesn't make you pathetic or ridiculous. Neither does believing your life partner is in your corner. He has lied to you and the foundations on which you have built your life have been pulled out from under you.

This is not your fault and the fact that pretty much the same thing has happened to a good number of women I know personally and know to be smart, interesting and excellent people demonstrates to me that it's a fairly common failure of men in mid life.

If you haven't read The Chump Lady website which someone recommended, I would urge you to do so.

TuttiFrutti123 · 30/10/2019 11:17

Too right OP you feel sad and angry. You've been deceived and abandoned by the person you trusted most in the whole world. He knew all this was coming and you had no idea.
Pathetic and ridiculous, nah, it's him that's pathetic and ridiculous. He didn't even have the guts to admit that his head had been turned by someone else and give you the real reason he was leaving because that would make him the bad guy and he couldn't possibly admit that's exactly what he is. Instead he made up a ridiculous fantasy tale of being a bold, liberated hero going off on adventures and everyone living their best lives because he has sacrificed the marriage and family life to give you back your freedom so he could be a better person and Dad when all he is doing is following the MLC script. What a deluded loser!
Yes, you are a great Mum and your kids are lucky that they have you. You have shown them through courage and determination that even in this time of heartbreak and confusion that you have their best interests at heart and will always there for them.

Flowers
Original poster
At17 · 30/10/2019 12:06

Thank you all, I had a blast of self-pity last night. His mum sent me a text message saying she’s heartbroken and that I need to be strong for the children. Seriously? Of course i’m going to be strong for the children! She’s also letting him stay at theirs indefinitely so he has no incentive to face up to what he’s done.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 30/10/2019 12:21

@At17 I cried for years. Gosh I was sad. My family blown up without any consultation, with a whole heap of blame rage and contempt on top. I eventually filed because I could not take the humiliation of being so unloved, anymore.

And he never wanted to get divorced! He wanted someone to blame, and no financial consequences (whilst he acted single).

It really, really hurts. But keep on keeping on.

"When you are going through Hell, keep on going!" - Winston Churchill.

AnyMinuteNow · 30/10/2019 12:22

Cross at MIL response. Sounds very self-centred that shes heartbroken, if thats all she's said apart from the 'be strong for the kids'. How patronising.

He'll likely get protection from hiding behind his mum.

Has he gone then? Maybe you could take the dc over there so he can explain to them in front of you all the cowardly shit

GabsAlot · 30/10/2019 12:29

Tytpical mil reposnse like youve got to be the strong one to sort it all out while poor diddums gets mollycoddled round mummys

FWIW i dont think your pathetic i think youre amazing

suggestionsplease1 · 30/10/2019 12:29

Don't be too upset with MIL, I imagine she knows full well what a prat her son is being - but he is her son and she's not going to abandon him, that's understandable. She will be feeling very torn because of her love for her son and her love for you all, and as she says herself, heartbroken at what is happening.

Original poster
At17 · 30/10/2019 12:31

She’s a good person and I know this must be hard for her. It’s managing my own expectations, I think. I’m wanting too much from people.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 30/10/2019 12:51

SHE’S heartbroken?!?! Let’s make this about her, shall we? While her spineless gimp of a son (who probably hasn’t mentioned his (undoubtedly failed) deep and profound friendship with the OW, and his fucking awful treatment of you - the woman who is picking up the pieces at home, and explaining to his children why he isn’t calling them?
FUCK HER!!!
Hit her with a truth bomb.

AnyMinuteNow · 30/10/2019 12:53
Hmm

I think you can expect more than that. If she's a good person that is.

If she's a good person would she be taking in her cheating ds?! Hmm

This was his decision after all.

Some are not as good as they seem however. Not saying your MIL is this, but simply based on odd words for her telling you how to be around your dc, which angered you, and rightly so.

She has no other words ?

Will you take the dc round there for tea and a catch up chat with him?

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 30/10/2019 12:56

When my dad cheated on my dad and left us my Nan (his mum) was horrified. She looked after us kids and my mum and had nothing else to do with dad anymore. She had tried to speak to him about it but was so ashamed of what he had done and his response to it that she cut contact.

AnyMinuteNow · 30/10/2019 13:00

Oh sorry to hear you went through that, but thats a good woman there that looks out for those on the receiving end of their ds vile treatment of those they are supposed to love.

If everyone did this, all the time, behavioirs would change. People just dont ostracise cheaters and abusers though so society lets them get away with it by apathy to it. Society is generally condoning in in its actions.

It really is good to see someone stand up to it like your MIL

Kit19 · 30/10/2019 13:01

Big hugs @At17

I imagine he’s not been 100% truthful with his DM and I bet he certainly hasn’t said to her that it’s the start of a new & thrilling adventure for him 🙄

I expect she probably is heartbroken that she has an idiot for a son who has thrown away his marriage for the oldest MLC in the book.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2019 13:10

She’s also letting him stay at theirs indefinitely so he has no incentive to face up to what he’s done.

My best mate is married to exH's best mate. When we finally broke up and I told him he couldn't stay in our marital bed, I kid you not our place, she called and said, "I've told DH he's not fucking staying here". It hadn't even occurred to me that it would be an issue. But looking back she was being very supportive. He made his non marital bed and needed to lie in it. I only found out he'd been cheating through detective work with travel receipts. He's never admitted it.