Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

Yes, you will be going through it all - it's perfectly normal - the so called 'stages of grief' - denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance - but it's not a linear thing - they visit two or three at a time and, like unwelcome guests, pop up again at your door when you thought you were done with them. I genuinely thought I had managed/ got away with a fairly gentle 'anger' stage, and then when it hit me for the second time - wow! It was helpful for me taking control however - they all have their function.

You will move through this, I promise.

Yes the anger is a great motivator. You get so much done with the anger fuelling you.

All the feelings are healthy, OP. If you didn’t feel them, you weren’t connected. You are amazing just being honest and openly acknowledging them. I am so proud of you.

Just caught up with this thread and wanted to add my voice to the chorus of others saying well done, you’re doing brilliantly. He must be so confused that you didn’t carry on feeding his ego and doing the ‘pick me’ dance. Obviously you’re still really upset, but you need to do an Oscar-winning act of never letting him see it from now on, ever.

Good luck with the solicitor this week. Hope you get a good one who will fight your corner. He was probably expecting you to curl up in a ball an lick your wounds for a while longer while he kept the upper hand. Good on you, you’re stronger than you think. You can do this!

Just wanted to let you know OP that I think the whole of Mumsnet is rooting for you.... some have us have been in exactly the same situation, and it is bloody tough. But then there are the odd rays of sunshine where it gets easier. Please continue the updates, I'm so invested emotionally in this post I want to see you getting through this, every day I check for your updates and do a little cheer for you. Xxx

Good luck at the solicitor OP, I'm sure it will feel comforting to have someone fighting your corner.

Podcasts or audiobooks are indeed a great idea for when you need to stop a racy brain and relax a bit. They are very distracting. They've helped me through lots of bad times and anxiety! Also the Calm app for meditations or 'Sleep Stories' might be helpful at bedtime etc.

Good luck at the solicitor OP, I'm sure it will feel comforting to have someone fighting your corner

But remember that your solicitor is not your therapist (therapy's way cheaper!!!). And that you won't get "moral justice" via a divorce, even though we all know he's a lying fucking scoundrel.

You'll get the law, but make sure you get all that you're entitle to. Have a think about the salary, promotions, and pension contributions (employer's and yours) that you've given up, because you've worked part-time as a family agreement to raise his and your children.

Think like him: where would you be (in terms of money & security) if you hadn't had children? I know it's horrible, but he's totally thinking this way.

I’d be far more worried about you if you WEREN’T crying which was me, I did a stupid “pushing on through” thing and didn’t cry until about 2 months in when I went to stay with a friend (timing due to school holidays she’s a teacher) but then bless her she got brunt of it because as soon as I saw a kind familiar face and she gave me a big hug and asked me how I was doing, that was it floodgates opened! Was staying with her a fortnight and spent first 3 days crying!

She was great and just supplied tissues and hugs, kept dd upbeat as much as possible (her youngest and dd same age) end of 3rd day I was calming down, dd in bed and I was able to fill her in on the tale so far and she managed to sort of verbally “caricature” ex (she knew him) and get me laughing at him and how it was all going very wrong for him too.

But yes, nothing wrong with crying and I agree with suggestionsplease1 the stages of grief hit you unexpectedly and catch you out, just as with “normal” grieving. Like her I THOUGHT I’d “done” anger at one point quite early on but the revelation of her pregnancy brought a whole other kind of beast! Yes because it hurt but also because it led to the revelation that the twat hadn’t even been using condoms and I had to deal with the utter humiliation and inconvenience and worry of Sti screening! Git! Didn’t even care enough about me to consider my health! (I have gynae issues anyway which he knew about and an sti could have caused me major problems!) luckily all was ok, but I was livid with him for that!

Good luck with lawyer, and yes keep focused on legalities in that meeting and listen to what they tell you - they not only know the law they know the local judges and what they will and won’t agree to in divorce settlements and reasons for divorce and how to word things to get them to agree, they also know local timescales.

I realised today that despite everything, I had been holding out hope that he was going to say he’d made a big mistake and come home. A small and very stupid part of me wanted that even with everything going on.

But he’s gone. The person I thought I knew, my best friend, my partner, my accomplice in life has gone.

Realising this today (and I know I’ve been naive but I forgive myself for that) has actually sort of helped. He’s not going to give me the answers I want, or the comfort I need. My husband has gone.

It almost feels like I can find my strength properly now. For me and the children.

(Obviously I could be a sobbing wreck again tomorrow! I bought some waterproof mascara today with a wry chuckle.)

Yes he is gone. He's not coming back.
Let's hope at the end of the day he thinks all this heartache for his family was worth it.

The next stage of acceptance will allow you to move forward and heal OP.

Did you get the credit cards sorted out? Have you got your details file nearly ready for the solicitor?

Hope you slept better last night

I'm really sorry :(

Agree, get yourself a credit card, you never know when you might need it.

Op, I have only just seen this thread and I have read your comments only.

I just wanted to say that I was you a few years ago, got the old "I'm not in love anymore" speech whilst denying OW. At the time I never thought I would recover from it, but I did and several years on, I am mostly happy in my own life.

XH is now married to the woman that he was "friends" with, the woman who told him that he understood her in a way that her husband couldn't....... they really do trot out the same old shit don't they, follow that script.

I know that it won't seem like it now, but things really will get better. just take it one step at a time, get yourself organised, and stay as cut off from him as possible.

It’s so sad to hear how cliched and similar so many of our situations are. All these marriages falling apart because people get their heads turned by something shiny and new.

I have all my financial stuff together, ready for the solicitor. I’m really grateful to MNers for guiding me on that because I think I’d still be at the wailing in my pyjamas stage if it wasn’t for the wisdom on here.

I did have a huge cry today though, looking at photos of family holidays. It felt quite cathartic really, like I’ve released some stress. I also don’t have a headache today for the first time in ages.

Big hugs lovely (((((()))))) you are doing amazingly xx

I think that’s the hardest thing - that this person in front of you looks like the person you’ve lived with all these years but in fact they’re a stranger. The person you love is gone to be replaced by a selfish stupid man living out his MLC cliche

I completely get the crying out the stress & im glad it helped you feel better. Lord knows you’re entitled to cry but not in front of him my dear x don’t give him that satisfaction

When you realise you loved a person, but he never was, and you can split who you thought he was, and who he really is....
Then you can heal.

Keep on staying strong!

You're doing amazingly well op.

It may not feel like it, but you’re doing fine Op.

You're going great guns.

Just want to add to the other messages that you are doing AMAZING! I know you don’t feel it right now but we can all see from your posts how strong, honest and bloody brilliant you are doing. Keep going Queen...you’ve got this. ❤️

The waterproof mascara thing made me heart bleed for you. But you're doing so, so well. I'm in awe, to be honest, because you're formidable, even if you don't feel it just yet. He's in for a shock.

Hi @At17. Hope you got on well at the solicitors

You are a stronger women than you think and you should be proud that you will get yourself and children through this.