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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 27/10/2019 09:06

@Techway great post. Wisdom.

Mum45678 · 27/10/2019 09:07

@Techway This sounds spot on. I’m already realising how much happier without my STBXH less than a year on.

HandsOffMyRights · 27/10/2019 09:30

Spot on @Techway.

magoria · 27/10/2019 09:34

The ripping off a plaster works for OP as well.

It hurts like hell but him booking the hotel room so soon means you are not left in limbo for days or weeks hoping he may realise what he has lost and come back.

You can deal with this pain and start healing now rather than much later.

Cohle · 27/10/2019 09:49

I have no advice OP but I just wanted to say I think you're handling this incredibly well Thanks

It comes across so clearly that your number one priority in every action is your children and this simply isn't true of your STBXH. Your heart must be utterly broken but know in the long run you'll ultimately have a much better life without him.

Original poster
At17 · 27/10/2019 09:50

I woke up today with the now familiar heaviness in my chest and brain. Then I read these most recent messages and it gave me some steel to face the day. The children are going out later so I’m going to go for a long walk then get on with the financial admin.

I will not be blamed for all of this. I refuse to be the bad guy here.

OP posts:
HandsOffMyRights · 27/10/2019 09:52

That's the spirit @At17

Don't let the bastard grind you down. Flowers

Original poster
At17 · 27/10/2019 09:59

Also just received a text message asking if we can talk. Not today, no. Today is for me and the children.

OP posts:
IfNot · 27/10/2019 10:00

He stayed with someone after they split? Big wow.
Bluntness I guess from your name you pride yourself on being blunt but sometimes I think you should change it to Cuntness.
Chin up At17. Suns coming out here, hope it is where you are.

Karabair · 27/10/2019 10:01

That feeling at least in part is grief. You've suffered an enormous loss. Be good to yourself and your children.

It's very hard to go through grief when you're also having to fight to protect yourself from the person you've lost and are grieving for.

TuttiFrutti123 · 27/10/2019 10:04

Hugs OP. I felt really sad for you last night. He pulled that stunt totally to get your attention back.

Enjoy your long walk. Hope it clears your head and rejuvenates you ready for the next stage of sorting out the finances.

Take care Flowers

WhenPushComesToShove · 27/10/2019 10:34

Enjoy your walk. Remember you call the shots now. You don't have to talk to him directly at all if you don't want to and let's face it, he probably only wants to ball you out about the money. Let him fester. Giggle about the fact that he must be sooo much fun to be around right now NOT! Elicit affairs are exciting, angry men sorting out 'family problems' are not

Annasgirl · 27/10/2019 10:37

Oh OP, I posted at the beginning and I just want to say you are amazing. I hope this thread gives you strength and we are all rooting for you. So glad you took the money out of the joint account. Believe me, you are a wonderful woman and do not let him grind you down. You deserve 50% of everything (or more of the house if you stay with the DC) and you should insist that your solicitor gets this for you - this is the legal benefit of marriage and you should remember - the only reason he got all that money was because you did all the wifework. You may even be entitled to more as some people have alluded to - I'm in Ireland so not 100% sure of your situation in the UK.

I would also cancel the joint credit card on Monday as you do not want him to run up joint debts.

I hope your DC are doing well, have you told them? I also hope you have support IRL just to have a cup of tea with. And I am so glad to see the love of MN reaching out to you at this time. We will all be here to offer practical support and anything else you need.

Alwaysgrey · 27/10/2019 10:42

Good on you. Keep your power. If he wants to talk he can when it suits you. He no longer calls any shots at all. Enjoy your day with the children.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/10/2019 10:42

Well done OP

REMEMBER, you can't control his actions, but you CAN control how you react to them. You are now in control of when and how you deal with this. Good on you for refusing to dance to his tune. Talk when you are good and ready, not when HE is ready.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 10:47

Please sit down at the earliest opportunity and set a transitional agreement. Your actual financial agreement will takes months or years, it's about the next few weeks. Living in the house is possible with ground rules but much harder if he has a lady friend! My spreadsheet contains a column of fixed costs eg mortgage, a budget for variable costs eg food, petrol and kids clothes, then a column for discretionary spending eg entertainment, my clothes, savings. My h pays 100% of the fixed costs and I pay the remainder as an interim agreement, I'm actually slightly better off than him because I've picked up more work

justilou1 · 27/10/2019 11:04

Pay all your utility bills in advance as advised by PP with the CC, and do a big grocery shop. If you have any car loans, mobile plans, etc, pay them with the CC too. Then once you’re ahead with all those bits and pieces you are free to cancel the card tomorrow.

Mix56 · 27/10/2019 11:25

Has he spoken to his children ?
I really think it is important he should have "the talk..." it possibly why he wants to speak to you
Has he been in contact with them? do they talk to you ?
Remember to signal this rupture at their schools

Robin2323 · 27/10/2019 11:25

It hurts like hell but him booking the hotel room so soon means you are not left in limbo for days or weeks hoping he may realise what he has lost and come back.*

Maybe not.
I mean this really means nothing. And was probably done for affect.

But ike @Techway says this 'friendship' is a temporary high.
Once he comes down the cold light of day will hit.

Men and boys should be taught stuff at school to help with their emotions.

Little girls end up falling out with friends and then making up or not.

Lads just end up fighting- which is not an option here.

So women are better at talking through their stuff.

Mix56 · 27/10/2019 11:28

He may not even consider you may have seen this booking. & think it's still secret.
Has his "special friend" got DC ? if not, & she is now living alone, logically he wouldn't need a hotel room if she is OW. Other than if its a romantic location

81Byerley · 27/10/2019 11:32

Glad you're getting strength from support on here.

hazandduck · 27/10/2019 12:24

I’m glad this thread is helping, OP. X

Original poster
At17 · 27/10/2019 12:47

My husband often said how lucky I was that he was so hands on with our children, compared to other men. I keep thinking how lucky men are to be thought of as wonderful parents simply by being involved in a very basic sense in the lives of their children.

I know this is a huge generalisation but i’m not feeling too charitable right now!

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 27/10/2019 12:52

For example, his ‘hands on’ including cooking their dinner sometimes. Or filling in a school form. I’m supposed to be extremely grateful for this input.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 27/10/2019 13:19

You are supposed to be grateful because in his eyes you are 100% responsible for the children and he has 0% responsibility .

So If he does 1% he’s a hero and deserves a medal. And if you only do 99% - week that’s no big deal, you are only doing your job.

Like the men who “ babysit “ their own children a few times a year as a “favour “ to their wives.

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