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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 26/10/2019 21:03

You must be hurtihg,
I don't suppose you have anyone who could go & knock on the door?
Caught with his pants down...would end of his bullshit script

k1233 · 26/10/2019 21:04

I'd be inclined to pay the balance of the joint credit card from the joint account and then cancel the card.

Get examples like this together for when you see your solicitor and follow their advice. The only reason I'd be cancelling joint credit cards is so he can't leave you in debt. I'm assuming you have a credit card in your own name. If not you might want to apply for one.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2019 21:05

Knock on the hotel room door? Seriously? You do understand that no hotel gives out room numbers and even if they found out, the husband doesn't need to either answer it or let them in,

And why's the poin? He stayed with someone after they split? Big wow.

OrchidInTheSun · 26/10/2019 21:05

And FWIW, I think men compartmentalise because they'd break down if they didn't. If they allowed themselves to think about how much pain they'd caused you and your children, they couldn't cope. So they shit off all feeling entirely to enable them to follow through.

I don't think it ever makes them very happy in the long run whereas the wives who've been left (as you're already discovering) find a whole new sense of freedom and happiness.

There is a good reason why single women are the happiest adults around Smile

Lordamighty · 26/10/2019 21:11

Joint cards, joint liability. Why should the OP be paying for half of the fuckwit husband’s hotel bill? If he wants overnights in a hotel then he pays for it himself. Cancel the card & get yourself a credit card in your own name.

Alwaysgrey · 26/10/2019 21:15

This must be hurting so much. You’re being really really strong. Have you got some support IRL?

LazyDaisey · 26/10/2019 21:27

Flowers. Just that, really.

If the shit hits the fan in my life, I hope I have as much strength and grace as you’ve shown.

suggestionsplease1 · 26/10/2019 21:28

I remember the unreal feeling. It was like a switch had been turned for my ex - they appeared to be a completely different person. I had the delights of facebook holiday photos a few short weeks later (I had been unfriended but they were kind enough to put a beach pose couples profile pic which was still visible.)

He's doing what he's doing now (again IF he is with OW - it's still all speculation!) because he feels he needs to consolidate his new relationship when you are making it clear there's no road back for him. His eggs are now all in her basket and paradoxically, he is now vulnerable to her. He also needs to distract himself from the uncomfortable emotions he is experiencing due to his actions and create the narrative where his actions are not so bad because this is his one true love (eye roll). He has plunged into the depths of cognitive dissonance and is doing whatever he can to experience some relief.

lalafafa · 26/10/2019 21:47

hellsbellsmelons has great advice for you. Pleased you’re getting angry.

womblemum · 26/10/2019 22:09

Pretty sure there’s no such thing as a truly joint credit card. There will be a primary and secondary card holder. Liability is with the primary card holder only. You need to know who this is.

INeedAFlerken · 26/10/2019 22:22

Can you change the locks since he's moved out? You have text proof he's left. Also call to get the council tax reduced to one adult in the residence.

Hang in there, OP. He's making himself look even worse than he already did. Get through those documents tomorrow and start looking for accounts.

Karabair · 26/10/2019 22:35

And why's the poin? He stayed with someone after they split? Big wow.

He's spending the night with the other woman, the one he's insisting to his wife he hasn't had sex with and who he left his family for. They haven't split, they're still married and he's committing adultery. Which is grounds for divorce. So yes, big wow.

All strength to you OP. You will get through this. It sounds like you are already well on your journey.

TuttiFrutti123 · 26/10/2019 23:20

Hugs to you OP. What a weasel!

I wonder if his special friend is actually with him at all or if he has just booked a room alone to put the the wind up your sails for spite.

Do you have a separate credit card in your own name that you can use? It might be worth asking the bank to freeze/ cancel or remove your name from the joint one for now in case he goes on a further spending spree.

Flowers
Blondebakingmumma · 26/10/2019 23:49

I’d transfer money from your husband’s share of the joint savings onto the credit card to wipe the debt. After all he is creating it.

leomama81 · 27/10/2019 00:14

Good idea from @Blondebakingmumma

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2019 00:55

I have changed his name in my phone to Spineless Fuckface which was immature but pleasing

Inspired, OP! You should have taken 3/4 of the joint account: 3 of you, 1 of him. Don’t let him away with anything. He deserves nothing.

Weenurse · 27/10/2019 03:08

Documents safe and secure?

Robin2323 · 27/10/2019 06:45

I don't think it ever makes them very happy in the long run whereas the wives who've been left (as you're already discovering) find a whole new sense of freedom and happiness.*

This^^
Try not ti worry about the hotel.
All that glitters isn't gold.

Let the dust settle now.
You've secured some money.
Now it's time to regroup.

There is no reason why the way forward can't be calm.

You've shown you're no door mat or walk over. This will set the tone and the way forward .

So keep your cool and look after yourself.

CarolDanvers · 27/10/2019 06:56

You have to pay up front on bookings.com. So the OPs STBX has already paid

No you don't. Many rooms are pay on arrival.

I'd have just left him to it to it as well OP. Far better he's there than making a nuisance of himself at yours.

CallmeAngelina · 27/10/2019 07:20

Where is the hotel room? Local? Or in a romantic holiday spot?

hazandduck · 27/10/2019 07:56

Oh Op I can tell from your last post just how devastated you feel, he’s totally pulled the rug from under you. I know it’s hard but try not to think about what he’s up to as it’ll just make you feel worse, if you have a friend who can come over or you can go out with and just sit in a cafe and rant with, or go and get your hair done, something for you that keeps you busy xx

justilou1 · 27/10/2019 08:10

If you have a joint CC you need to advise the bank that you have split and that you wish to close this card ASAP. He could set up a whole new house with this.

HandsOffMyRights · 27/10/2019 08:33

Morning OP.

Hope you managed some sleep last night - if only from the sheer exhaustion this brings.

Agree that you need to cancel the card - you don't need bad credit on top of all this.

Techway · 27/10/2019 08:54

He also needs to distract himself from the uncomfortable emotions he is experiencing due to his actions and create the narrative where his actions are not so bad because this is his one true love (eye roll). He has plunged into the depths of cognitive dissonance and is doing whatever he can to experience some relief

This may not sink in yet as you are still in shock and your brain and heart will be trying to catch up with the fast moving events but hopefully at some stage you will revisit the thread (and see how much more sense it all makes).

IME during some stage, typically around mid life, men make a decision they are not happy however they don't tend to explore the cause (as most unhappiness is cured from within) and a new partner is a quick fix. It really is throwing the baby out with the bath water as they completely underestimate what they have with their existing wife and family.

They wrongly assume the cause of unhappiness is their wife so they decide if they act decisively the pain will end quickly, a bit like pulling the plaster off but they haven't understood that emotions have to be worked through and a new relationship is just another temporary high.

Bu the time the "high" declines the wife has cycled through the emotions and is now in a happier place as she has realised how much she had to compromise to make the marriage work.

This stuff needs to be talked about with boys and young men as I think they don't tend to discuss uncomfortable emotions in a way that women do.

Op, the speed of this will cause your head to spin and it is so painful. What have the children been told? I don't know how you are holding it together as must be so tough.

hazandduck · 27/10/2019 09:02

@Techway I totally agree with your post.