Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

You said that he seemed fine, making future plans etc, until the last week or so. I'm wondering if he was stringing the OW with 'not the right time' until she upset his plans to have his cake and eat it, by ending her marriage and presumably forcing his hand with some kind of ultimatum.
That might mean he's not as prepared as he could be and might not have had the chance to squirrel or hide money.
Be prepared for him to suddenly realise he's made a terrible mistake and beg you to take him back. It's part of the script. When that happens, listen to how he phrases it. I guarantee it'll be full of how miserable he is, with very little acknowledgement of what you might be feeling.
FWIW, my decades long anxiety issues disappeared once my ex moved out.
I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happens with you.
OP. So many of us have been there but I think we can all guarantee that it gets waaaay better.

I bet OW’s pregnant

"I bet OW’s pregnant"

I hope she's not but :
If she is then that'll definitely put a spanner in the works for his "adventures". What a twit he's been.

OP and him had kids in their teens that would soon be off living their own lives away from the family nest and him and OP could have had more free time and the disposable cash very soon to indulge in hobbies, holidays together etc but if OW is pregnant he'll be back to nappies, toddler tantrums etc and it'll be another 18+ years before he gets his "freedom". What a duffus he is!!!!

You're doing so well , hope you're ok today .

It is blatantly clear the only adventures he is going to be having, are with this OW, he isn't going to suddenly give up his job, he may be able to trot off with her on far afield 10 day holidays, (if she doesn't have DC,) but he will be having his own EOW I assume, unless he has literally walked out on them too.
If he doesn't want them on his w/e, remember it is up to him to get them to his parents or other suitable adults for his allotted time, not just hand them back to you. even if you are perfectly happy to have them.

I bet OW’s pregnant

God what a way to kick someone when they are down. Why would you write such a thing, no one even knows for sure if he's with this woman, to make a leap that she's pregnant isn't ok.

This is someone's life. Not an episode of east Enders. There's a real person behind this thread. Would you speculate gleefully if this was your friend?

Just wanted to send support OP I am a couple of months ahead of you. It's a very, very hard time. I had that weird dissociation feeling you had (maybe you still have now, I certainly still do at times) - like you are acting in a film of your own life. I think it is a self protection mechanism to protect you from the shock and allow you to keep going. The pure agony I felt when my "D"H walked out on me for OW was something I never thought ever go. It is still painful and I have days where I get triggered by something and still cry my eyes out but it's not as bad as it was. I got so much brilliant advice and support from MN (if you look up my username you will find my thread) It's helped me stay sane. You seem to be doing amazingly well but for what it's worth my top tips for keeping going: look after yourself - exercise has been my main saviour (I've never been so fit in my life!), see friends & family, read self help books, get as much sleep as you can, avoid alcohol, remember to eat, just be kind to yourself and don't expect to sort everything out straight away (I went into panic mode and wanted to get everything separated and sorted out immediately - Not going to happen!). You can do this OP, just keep going day by day!

Just chiming in to say that when people post an OP they are looking for support for themselves, but they may not realise that the support and help that they are given can also be useful to others.

A close friend had a young relative whose husband dumped her very suddenly and was giving it the whole 'I'll pay the mortgage, I'll give you X amount every month so you don't have to move,' laying it all on thick. As a result of threads like this I told her not to believe a word he said, to get the money secured and await the revelation of the OW.

Thankfully she listened and put money away, because, lo and behold, he stopped paying the mortgage, cut off all money and wheeled out the 'special friend' within weeks.

So thanks to everyone who advises on these threads, you help more people than you know.

The support on this thread has been life-affirming and made a difference people will never know. I wish I could thank you all individually.

Also, I have 61 missed calls on my phone. I think he may have found out about the money. I’m not at home today so won’t be around if he’s looking for me. I’ll talk to him about it when i’m ready.

It's been a Godsend to me in the past and I'm so glad we have this huge safety net for you - but you are stronger than you realise and empowered to make decisions about yours and the children's lives.

Good riddance and well done!

Just saw 61 calls! Oh I bet now he wants to talk OP.
Don't be available - glad you're out!

Send him one last message saying you will speak to him through your solicitor from now on and send him the details when you have one. Then block.

My ex promised me he'd make good on all the debt he'd got me into (I know 🙈) when we broke up. A couple of months later he was asking for my engagement ring and birthday presents he gave me back. He may promise you that he'll never do you over but he's made clear that that's not the case through all his actions.

Wow 61 missed calls. Now that's definitely got his attention!

Send him one last message saying you will speak to him through your solicitor from now on and send him the details when you have one. Then block.
^^
This

Great to hear you are out and about today

Ooo, thats great ! don't answer the phone, he doesn't get to decide what you do or don't do, He left you remember ?
get a few 5 word lines ready, he may be there when you get home.
"That doesn't work for me"
"I'll think about it"
"I let you know on that"
No (whole sentence)
Think, Grey Rock.
Do not get drawn into a dispute. Do not answer tit for tat. Always, take a deep breath or two before responding, then repeat his question before speaking, it gives you time to calm down & think.
if he gets menacing, call the police.
He has lost control of this

He sent me another message this morning asking what I’m telling people so we can ‘get our stories straight.’

I’m telling people he’s walked out of our marriage, left the children and it’s all his idea. There’s no story to get straight.

'Dear Fuckface, no need to worry - I wouldn't be so mean as to put the blame on you to our mutual friends! I've been very honest and fair and pretty much let them know exactly what you've said - you wanted to leave years ago, I pushed you into marriage, you've never been happy - and let's face it that must have been terrible for you, after seeming so happy, they can't believe how much all that pretending must have cost you! But don't worry, I've reassured them that you're ok, especially as, completely coincidentally, you've sparked up a deep and powerful new friendship with a woman you totally assure me you haven't slept with who has also been through the same sad experience and has also just left her husband! What are the chances of such a wonderful supportive new friend appearing just when you need one the most! So, be reassured, our joint friends are fully in the picture'

:)

Could some of those calls be your voicemail calling you op? Or did he genuinely call you 61 times?

A while ago I was held up in a meeting, as my husband was away he was unaware and he couldn't get hold of me, so he was panicking, so he then called our daughter and of course panicked her. The pair of them called me about six times, but due to my voicemail calling me back repeatedly I had over twenty missed calls by the time I saw it.

Anyway, be honest with people, it's th right approach, why lie to protect him after what he's done and the way he's done it, and you're also right, make him wait till your ready to talk, be it today, tomorrow or next week. It's your decision. Not his.

He clearly thought you were so timid and a walk over that you'd do whatever he would ask and he'd have an easy ride of it.

Continue not to be that woman and continue to behave with the self respect, strength and dignity you are.

He'd behaved appallingly. Not so much in ending it. That's fair enough, but in the way he's done it and the way he's treated you.

Make him pay for it.

You are doing SO well!!

And re: money, how much if his salary would he have been able to save if he'd have had to pay out for all the childcare and housekeeping you've done over the years? You own half of that at the very least.

oh you are taking control and he doesnt like it one bit!
You havent jumped to answer the phone when he rang
61 missed calls - thats obsessive, seriously. who calls 61 times???

I know that you think youve had an amazing marriage, but scratch below the surface and I wonder how much you have been controlled by him or had to always put him first.

I bet you are going to bloody THRIVE now he is gone.

Is anyone else wondering how many times the words "I" and "me" are mentioned in those 61 messages?

OP, you are doing so well and such a difference from when you started the thread.
You are going to be fine, it may take some time, but he'll never be ok because he's scum.
Please don't ever be tempted to take him back, he's shown who is is, now.

61 missed calls..... he is angry he didn’t get a chance to empty the account. He really is a twat and he will soon understand the true impact of his ‘new adventure’

He clearly thought you were so timid and a walk over that you'd do whatever he would ask and he'd have an easy ride of it.

Continue not to be that woman and continue to behave with the self respect, strength and dignity you are.

Absolutely.

61 missed calls! Oh wow he doesn't like it when you're not his willing doormat does he?!

Good! As long as he doesn't get aggro. If he does police immediately.

Mine kicked off when I started locking the back door of the house after I noticed he had been letting himself in when I was out and taking valuables that were MINE! (He was made to return them) AND food that I'd bought!

He's also blown my phone up when I've not answered a query instantly as quickly as he'd have liked.

Tough! We are no longer their household managers/PA's etc - they hate it when that realisation hits!

You're doing well, don't be drawn into debates or to putting in writing anything that can even be misinterpreted.

That'd be playing right into his hands, and I know that's hard and I didn't always manage to follow such advice myself as I'll admit I'd lose the rag when he was late/didn't turn up when arranged to see dd.

With hindsight I wish I'd done so many things differently, I think it would have resulted in better outcomes for both dd and I. But then hindsight is an exact science eh?

There a couple of things to note about moving the money, very practical BTW.

However psychologically, it is more complicated. He will interpret it as hostile. Even though you took half, he clearly sees it as his money. He will also see that you have changed. What he wants is him to be able to change while you remain a loving, trusting, gullible and easy to deal with wife. He gets to not be a husband any more obviously. It also says that this is over from your POV. He knows it was over form his POV but you were supposed to be shocked, devestated and broken. You can't be effective, protective of the children and sensible, that's not his script. Be more pathetic, woman!

Get legal advice urgently. So you can be more effective adn practical. We're all cheer-leading for you!

Forgive the typos!