Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

Glad you've sorted the money At17.
Now, if you really wanted to wind him up, you'd change the log-in details to the bank account too.

Plan a response for when he discovers the money has gone.

exH I cannot believe you have stolen my money"
You "Whatever do you mean? I have only taken 50%, altho the judge will likely award me 75%. You shafted 75% of this family.
ExH "I gave you all my blood sweat & tears
You, "Poor Lamb"😊

Or simply,

👍

@At17 you can also tell the council you’re the sole adult occupier in your home currently and get council tax discount.

I would also in your shoes start a child maintenance claim, it takes them something like three months to get money to you from the setting up the in initial claim.

This is all separate from divorce procedure.

I’d do it now as you need to ensure you have money coming in.

Really sorry this has happened, and lots of us here can empathise with what you're going through - it's traumatic. As everyone here so rightly advises - the immediate car crash needs dealing with first and it sounds like you're doing a great job of it already. It's very very hard to handle when you have children too (I too had a young teen when it happened to me). I made a lot of mistakes including my kid seeing all the raw pain which in many ways I would change now.. 4 years later. he now has a baby with the OW but I'm not sure is particularly happy. Hardly sees his first child which I think he will regret later in life. We're happy on our own - I think probably happier than him... sounds strange maybe but now I wouldn't wish it any other way. I'm a much stronger and I think a better person having been through that experience... one book I thought really helped (it may have been recommended to you already) is 'Runaway Husbands' www.amazon.co.uk/Runaway-Husbands-Abandoned-Recovery-Renewal/dp/0986472107/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1H4LUXT7LOGG5&keywords=runaway+husbands&sprefix=runawaay+hus%2Caps%2C137&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1572029649&sr=8-1
it's about this particular kind of abandonment - without warning (for OW) /seemingly changed personality etc. it's quite spookily accurate about the personality type and helps to make sense of some of it and see that none of it is your fault - absolutely none of it. It's the kind of man he is. Sadly you had to find out this way.

Didn’t take long for his unpleasant to tear up did it!

Really pleased you’ve taken what is rightfully yours.

You are doing so well. I'm really glad you took your half of the money. Just the other day I read a thread about a woman on here whose ex cleared out all the bank accounts, leaving her up shit creek with two children.

Now he has moved out you can look into applying for tax credits too. Do you currently get child benefit? If his earnings were too high to get it, get that moving as well, as you will need that for the tax credits/universal credit
and yes, definately onto council for single person discount - you may qualify for more assistance on this too, each council has its own criteria - speak to them, explain the situation, see what they may be able top do
and yes yes to Child maintanence - anything you get from that wont be taken from any extra top ups you get from tax crdits / council tax refund. Im assuming with his talks of swanning off to give space he isnt looking at 50 50 shared care of the children, and his job is probably too big and important for him to see them more than at weekend - no overnights, so you should be looking at the full rate
get the practical things sorted so at least you dont need to worry about putting food on the table

YES!!!!! Well done.

On top of all the above, I'd just document what you're doing. Start with the date he said you're done (copy text message). Then for your bank transfer, take a screenshot of the balance to support you only took 50%. He likes to rewrite history, so it's best to keep everything documented and together. I'd just copy and paste into a word document that you can add to as you go.

Fantastic job of transferring the money. You needed to do that as he's already becoming petulant. Probably because you have ruined his plans of the heartbroken, devoted father regretfully leaving his family and totally unexpectedly finding love - it wasn't planned. Yeah right! You called him out on the OW and have told people who know you the truth - he walked out on his family. That's ruined his plans and his internal narrative and he's not going to be happy about that.

It's also probably because you have been so strong off the bat. No pick me, no hoping he's coming back, now transferring the money. That's going to put him on the back foot which will probably make him defensive. I'm sure he expected you would take some time to get your act together and you've really surprised him.

Well done girl!!!!! I have been lurking but am heavily invested in this for you. My friend semi-recently went through the same thing, she did NOT move the money despite our pleas for her to do so.

He turned into a complete prick SO QUICKLY and lo and behold the OW came on the scene, he pissed all their joint money away on showing her the high life Gosh, the script is uncanny. I directed her to MN and it helped her gain her anger.

You're doing amazingly well. You will come out stronger than you before and happier than ever!!

BTW - friend has recently bought a new house for her and the kids and his OW (much younger) has realized that he is an overgrown man child with two ACTUAL children and it's not quite so much fun as she thought so has ditched him and his now penniless bank account! Karma is AWESOME! Also, all his friends have ditched him too as none of us could believe he would do such a heartless STUPID thing. But he did. They do.

You will get past this and you will be so much better off without him. Hold onto the anger and the thumbs up!!!!

You must NEVER minimise the work you have put in to your family. Working part time, bringing up two children and running the home is way harder than any day your twat of a husband has ever done! You are entitled to every penny and some! He has made you feel like a second class citizen whilst old big bollocks has been the only one working! Utter rubbish! Please go for what you are entitled to

I have been following and so happy you have transferred the money.

I remember the planning thread and there were so many ways that the op planned to prevent financial hardship ahead.

Assuming you are allowed to carry on using the joint account ( check with someone who knows more than me) before he takes the rest out, as I assume he is still responsible for half the running costs of the home/kids: Buy Annual gym memberships up front, add gift cards on to the supermarket shop, buy their uniforms in bigger sizes, pay all utility bills up front, until he starts maintenance it isn’t just your responsibility to feed and clothe the children. Change the locks on the house. He isn’t welcome to just walk in and out anymore.

I love you, OP. I love that you transferred the money. I love how you’re ALREADY realising how nice it is to be in your house without him. Soon you’ll see how unhappy you’ve been for years. Your anxiety will lift. Your depression will vanish. (Most likely.)

He’s a cloud you’ve been living under for years. You are about to feel what it’s like to life in the sunshine.

Hugs to you.

WELL DONE 👍🏼 👍🏼👍🏼

I have just transferred half of our joint account into my personal savings. It’s done. My heart was weirdly racing, and no doubt he’ll be furious, but it’s done. For our children and the future

Well done! 👏👏

Well done, OP!! Your colossal twat of an ex has spectacularly underestimated you, I feel!

Keep up the good work

Well done op👏.so sorry your going through this.

Well done. This will have taken a huge amount of courage, but you did it for you and your children. Omg - he had so underestimated you! A few rocky roads to travel, but you will see, your future is bright

Well done op!!

Glad you are finally finding your anger.

And looking out for you and the kids, hope the appointment with the solicitor goes well.

I've done similar with ex's "listing" in my phone turned his nickname into a sweary one - small rebellions do help.

You're doing so well.

You brave, smart woman!!! I get very frustrated when I read about women who dither, expecting their Spineless Fuckfaces will do the right thing by their children....

Op he really did a number on you didn't he. Convincing you that his job was important, he was more important, what you do to contribute to family life wasn't important. You listened to this narrative so long you became to believe it. You also need a proportion of his pension too op. Don't forget you have sacrificed that too!

Just caught up with this thread again OP. You've been busy! You have that anger now and that steel will carry you through now.

My ex was useless with money and arranging utilities, direct debits etc. The moment we split for him to be with the OW he suddenly became a financial expert - coldly trying to stop direct debits at our rental, drawing out cash etc.

I'm glad you are one step ahead now. Some excellent advice on here.

Has he reacted to you moving the money yet, OP? Hope you are doing ok and not getting too much vitriol off him xx

@At17. Hope you managed to sleep better last night after all the excitement. Have you heard from SF yet?

He'll probably have some dirty tricks up his sleeve so please don't trust him. He may try to convince you to return the money by various means as he promises that he will be fair with it but don't trust him. He may try to do a U turn and move back in saying he's made a massive mistake blah, blah, blah and let you think you are all good again so you put it back but don't be fooled he'll be biding his time before heading off on his adventures and leaving you in the lurch. Keep it in your account as your LTB fund whatever pans out in the coming weeks and months.

Good luck with the solicitor appt next week.