Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 25/10/2019 17:15

Move half of the money out of the joint account, or use it for purchases for the kids, e.g. xmas presents, winter coats, shoes, haircuts etc.

Get photocopies/photos of all relevant paperwork, esp if it's still in the house atm.

Does he have a pension? Copy any documents you can find relating to it.

Does he have any savings accounts / shares / ISAs you don't know about? I would look through the last few years of bank records for any large withdrawals / deposits you don't recognise.

Get a copy of his payslips - is there anything on there that suggests he might be paying into (e.g.) a share scheme?

This might feel aggressive, but you're actually being defensive. You don't need to use any of it if he plays nice. But better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

Original poster
At17 · 25/10/2019 17:16

Thank you for all this good advice about money. You’re all so right, whether I specifically earned it or not, thats money to support the children and make this as gentle and safe as possible for them.

I am furious with him today. We had another short chat this morning and he was so rude. Cold, nasty and mean-spirited. It’s clear I have now become an obstacle to him, someone to be treated with contempt. I’m glad I’m angry because this would be heart breaking otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 25/10/2019 17:17

I have changed his name in my phone to Spineless Fuckface which was immature but pleasing.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 25/10/2019 17:34

At17, It's great that you are feeling stronger,
Do you need to speak to him ? could you avoid the telephone & keep to text/email. So much easier to take a deep breath /hour/day/week to respond. BTW, anything threatening, or frightening, you need to keep.
Have you made sure there is no cloud/media sharing ?
Do your DC ever need to use you phone ?

SunshineCake · 25/10/2019 17:39

But have you taken the money? I'm interested why it is 50/50 as I was thinking 2/3 to the OP as she has the children to support as twatface won't.

AgathaF · 25/10/2019 17:40

Thank goodness you have found your anger now. He is being a total wanker. Your phone name for him is superb and very apt.

Please seriously consider doing what all those posters have suggested regarding your savings.

Happygirl79 · 25/10/2019 17:48

This happened to me after a 17 year marriage He eventually left to be with another woman. It didn't work. We had 2 children together and he begged to come back. I took him back. 3 years later he did the same again. No more. I am happy now.. In fact never been happier. He is now planning to leave his wife of almost 20 years and asking my daughter to hide money from his wife (Has a married woman waiting in the wings) Thank God she refused.
Get rid of him before he causes you a lot more pain. It wont end well.

Mix56 · 25/10/2019 17:48

IF, you are told to return, (& you won't be) you can do so.... much later... for now, just protect yourself, before he moves it.
he is already becoming "Cold, nasty and mean-spirited", you can see where this is going, he isn't sad or remorseful any more is he? He is moving into the next stage, ie. retain the max of "his" money as he can.
Everyone is warning you.

Drabarni · 25/10/2019 17:50

I hope you have taken the money because it might be a fight monday morning. If you do online banking do it asap if not before.
He's really showing his true colours now.
Maybe the waiting 2 years was so that he would only have to support one of the dc?

Drabarni · 25/10/2019 17:52

Please tell him you agree it's time for some fun after raising his kids and you can't wait for some free weekends.

cptartapp · 25/10/2019 17:57

I would take 3/4 of the money. You have three of you to support and he has one. Whatever child support he gives you in the future, will be nowhere near what it costs for 24/7 care of two DC 3.5 days a week. His share. I would put the wind up him and suggest he has actually shot himself in the foot. Ask him how does he plan to have fun with sole charge of two teens on a 50/50 basis. His presumptions are astounding.

Nyctophyllia · 25/10/2019 18:20

If you're in Scotland any money in a joint account belongs to the person who paid it in, different elsewhere where its assumed 50//50

Original poster
At17 · 25/10/2019 18:23

I have just transferred half of our joint account into my personal savings. It’s done. My heart was weirdly racing, and no doubt he’ll be furious, but it’s done. For our children and the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 25/10/2019 18:23

Thank you to everyone who cheer leaded me to do that. Scary but somewhat empowering.

OP posts:
marriedwithhounds · 25/10/2019 18:29

Well done OP! You are doing brilliantly. I've been lurking since the start but just wanted to say I keep thinking about you and willing you to stay strong. Keep going! 💪🏻

NettleTea · 25/10/2019 18:31

just bear in mind that when you get divorced the judge will start at a 50-50 split of ALL assets (and that includes his pension)
Its one of the few times when staying home to raise children and support a husband in progressing his career is actually given some value
try to get a hold of all accounts and financial details ready for solicitor. Do you think he could be secreting money away anywhere? If he has been ahead of the game. I suspect he may not, because he is used to being the big man, and it wont occur to him that you might get any advice before he does. He probably thinks that he will say how it will be, and you will just go along with it.
Which is why its good news that you have moved half the savings.

TuttiFrutti123 · 25/10/2019 18:32

@At17. Well done for being so brave! You couldn't trust him not to screw you and the children over financially so it had to be done.

He will be furious so prepare yourself for his wrath. I'd ignore the phone if he rings and let it go to voicemail or he can text.

If he comes round and starts getting heavy and you feel threatened then you know who to call.

Take care Flowers

leomama81 · 25/10/2019 18:35

Well done!! Definitely the right move. Ignore any outrage on his part, what is outrageous is that he thinks it should be otherwise.

If you haven't already it might be time to start thinking about consulting a solicitor.

Stay strong @At17, you are doing brilliantly in an extraordinarily difficult situation.

JoyceJeffries · 25/10/2019 18:36

Well done.

The money should be split 50/50. He’s got some nerve.

longtimelurkerhelen · 25/10/2019 18:41

Well done, I know it's scary.

Fuck him.

Mordred · 25/10/2019 18:41

@At17

Bloody well done - you are entitled to the 50/50 split at least and he's an arsehole to suggest he's done all the work.

TuttiFrutti123 · 25/10/2019 18:54

Sorry to worry you, I don't mean to, I just want to cover your back but I would keep a look out what is happening with the joint account now as when he finds out what you have just done he may decide to transfer his half out too leaving it totally empty so I would contact any of your direct debits like utility suppliers, electric, gas and definitely mortgage provider if you have one to let them know what is going on so you don't default on anything. You can always open a separate small account and transfer some of that money into it to cover those household direct debits and to keep it ticking over for now as you don't want him racking up any debts in your name. Anything of his alone not in your name is his own business to sort out.

You're doing great Flowers

Catmaiden · 25/10/2019 19:22

Well done!

NotStayingIn · 25/10/2019 19:29

You're doing great! I love how you are not letting him walk all over you and not letting him get away with his bullshit alternative reality. It's horrific that he wants to break up, but of course that is his choice. But he can not also completely rewrite history. You're not falling into his 'it's all your fault' narrative which is refreshing and great to see.

ScreamingLadySutch · 25/10/2019 19:33

@TheSandman He's more likely crying because he genuinely confused and upset by this too. He's being a shit and he knows it. He doesn't want to hurt you but he is. He doesn't want to lose his kids but he might. Yes, he wants his cake and eat it. Yes, his life would be so much simpler if you 'understood' and the kids were 'grown up' about it. he has 'Fucked it up'. Men don't like to fuck up.
He's not faking this. He doesn't know what to do either.

Thanks for writing that, I really see that it is true. However, the fucking up is SO OBVIOUS.

Why do men fuck up so badly? If men don't like fucking up, how come they do it so spectacularly? How can Strange be worth destroying your family over?

Also, when the proverbial hits the fan, how do men explain (the destroyed family) it to themselves?

I really would love to hear your thoughts, because I will never, ever ever get it.

All the shit @At17 heard is what I heard. Yet really? We are not such terrible, unloveable human beings that homes and children's safety should be wrecked to get away from. Especially as the Great Goddess Strange tends to become Strange#2, #3 and #4 etc.