Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

Sorry you're going through this op.
It will get better/easier.

@At17. I'd phone the bank asap to get any advice they can give you about your financial situation and get an up to date total of your funds. That money is marital assets and is his, yours and the kids.

I found this helpful guide with links:
www.money.co.uk/guides/how-to-get-a-fair-financial-divorce-settlement.htm

It contains lots of usual links to other sites to estimate what you and the children could be entitled to.

Be prepared he may have already been hiding and squirelling away money.

The truth is. He's only got where he is as you have been supporting him and running the family home and caring for his children so don't let him short change you. Imagine all those hours unpaid you have devoted to that over the last twenty years. Now that would be some payslip!

btw.... this is not ACTUAL advice... this is just me thinking about how these arseholes always think and behave the same way and are wasting valuable oxygen and hurting the women who have been supporting them and their children

That’s a shame. Because I have a large patio.

Move half the money.

Does he have absolutely no realisation how "exhausting" the last twenty years have been for you what with housework, pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, juggling part-time work on top of all this whilst ensuring everyone else is catered for and attended to 24/7. You've done all that because you wanted a marriage and family with him. Have you been the one who's decided "that's it" and you deserve "me time" and "adventure". No, you've prioritised your family and their needs. He's the one who's blown it out the water and needs to realise that there are consequences. He can't expect to do a runner and leave you and the kids with nothing and if he did expect to do it then he's an even bigger heartless b*stard than he's shown himself to be to you all this week.

Take care

I was told yesterday, (bare with me) that a top female divorce lawyer in the UK, says that any wife/husb. can get a deal allowing her to live to the same^^ standard of living after divorce as before the separation.
Certainly not frequently seen on mn.
You do however need to be able to finance the SHL.
Money well spent I would say... take 50% of the joint account now

No no no no. Half that money is YOURS and you earned every penny. Be very careful here. Move it now, don't wait for a solicitor meeting. You can always put it back.

I’m sorry to bang on about the money. However you only have a short window of time.

What Happens with these men is that initially they feel euphoric but guilty. They are in a fantasy - the one he’s told you about

how everyone will be better off, really it’s for the best and he’s doing you both a favour

that all his friends and family will understand that he’s helpless in the face of true lurve and the Irresistible Lure of Adventure

That his kids will love OW and they will play Disney families together one afternoon a month (that fits in with their social life of course )

That you will continue to do all the work of raising them without complaint while working full time to fund everything

That you will happily agree to a divorce settlement that means he won’t have to change his lifestyle in any way

That you will just be happy to see him happy and do anything he wants to facilitate that, just as you have done for the last 20 years

Etc etc

When reality hits, he will become bitter and angry. Not at himself or OW of course , it will be YOUR FAULT. He will want to punish you because you have spoiled his dream and he will do that in three ways

1. Money
2. The kids
3. Bad mouthing you to everyone he knows

So you need to protect yourself now , before the storm hits you.

I promise you - his and OW fantasy life doesn’t involve caring for two sulky teenagers for half the week, nagging them to do homework, sorting out their arguments, washing their sports kit and being taxi drivers most evenings and weekends.

So Do NOT believe anything he promises about how he will be reasonable and fair. You know he’s a liar and a cheat.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, I know you are doing really well and you are still in a state of shock .

There was a thread, I can't remember the posters name but she planned everything that her and the kids needed for the year ahead, and stockpiled in storage. She had the luxury of planning, which you don't have but I would by buying Christmas presents now, winter clothes for the kids, school supplies, toiletries. New shoes etc etc etc. All valid family expenses

At17 - do, please, take the advice to withdraw at least half the joint funds, or to have your joint accounts frozen.
Any savings aren't his alone just because he earned most of the money.
How much did the childcare cost him that enabled him to earn that money ?
Take the blindfold off and see that the cost of that childcare was your earings that were sacrificed to take care of the children (and probably the home too).

Half the money is yours OP, that's both the law - splitting assets equally after a long marriage - and morally correct. He has only been able to earn what he has because you've gone part time and done childcare - otherwise he would have had to go part time/not work and do childcare.

Take the money now, don't let him screw you over through emotional manipulation like that.

1/ start a diary of everything
2/get support from family and friends. Be aware you will lose his family and many friends. This is normal and happens 99% of the time.
3/ Be straight with your children but age appropriate.
4/ This is going to hurt but you will come out the other side.
5/ if you start to become depressed see your doctor.
6/Remember this is so common now it is not you. It is the selfish son of a bitch and the horror he has taken up with.
7/ get a good solicitor and start a binder. Take money if possible and put it aside as he will cut you off financially within 6 weeks. this is the average time it takes
All our hearts go out to you. Blessxx

He pointed out that everything I have is because he’s worked hard and it’s been exhausting supporting us all. That now it’s his time to have some fun.

Yes but the reason you didn't work is because you brought up HIS children.
You are entitled to some of that. HE is the one that limited your earning ability when he got you pregnant and wanted you to look after the children instead of him!

Don't let it go without a fight!

Find all utilitie bills and pay them up to date.
This gives you three months cushion.
Take half of what is left of money.
My friend refused to do this, he went on three holidays in three months while she was begging for food.

He pointed out that everything I have is because he’s worked hard and it’s been exhausting supporting us all. That now it’s his time to have some fun.

He’s a fucking lying bastard.

You raised 2 children- they’re HIS children - and you’ve foregone a larger pension, promotions, hobbies etc to do so.

Your domestic unpaid labour has allowed him to undertake public paid labour. But you’ve both been working!

It doesn't actually matter if you sat on your arse for 20 years eating chocolates OP. You are married to this tosspot so it's halvsies all the way. Take what's yours. He will.

'On a voyage to discover his full inner twat' indeed. I would use this phrase with him.

I hope you've already seen a solicitor and for the love of God get that money out. The other practical advice you've been given has so far been spot on and so is this.

She sorry you're going through this all.

It doesn't actually matter if you sat on your arse for 20 years eating chocolates OP. You are married to this tosspot so it's halvsies all the way.

You have quite a way with words, @IfNot!

If you don't fully believe what the previous posters are saying about half (at least) of the assets earned by you, consider it payment then for the role of Therapist to Fuckwits he's putting you through. You deserve it for listening to his shite.

This happened to a friend of mine and she emptied out half of the joint savings etc. Her solicitor said that was the right thing to do as it ended up in a big two year financial battle and if she had taken the lot it it would have caused problems.

You feel devastated now. It's almost like grief. Clichéd but true. It's just time x

Oh and has she had given up work to bring the kids up she had less earning potential and this was taken into consideration. It was split 75/25 in her favour X

FFS, move half the money immediately.

He's made a mistake, he's wrong about your contributions which were just as important to his higher income, and he will be furious and take it out on you if he can. Protect yourself and the children now!

Yep. Move the money.
It’s not technically his because he was working. It’s both yours.
You need to protect yourself and the beg of next week might well be too late to do that.

@At17

You need to protect yourself and the beg of next week might well be too late to do that.

^^
THIS!!!

If he's already started going on about finances please act now and call the bank today. It's Friday and the weekends coming up and he's already miles ahead of you. Don't give him the chance to waste your money on his big adventures for himself or to start frittering away at your family pot whilst trying to impress his female friend by flashing the cash and treating her and her family. He can do what he wants with his own money once it has all been divided up properly and you and the children have your fair share but please don't give him the chance to squander it willy nilly at the moment when he is in full MLC mode. You can't trust him to do the decent thing with anything now. It's all me, me, me. Don't be fooled by him. Protect you and your children's future asap.

Get yourself sorted. Find out everything you are entitled to. Knowledge is power and if you know exactly where you stand he can't feed your anxiety by winding you up about finances etc.

I agree with a PP about keeping a diary about everything that's being said and done, screenshot all bank statements, and any messages from him so that you have it all to hand for the solicitor.

Good luck

WOW the answers and the emotional force behind them are amazing .I really hope this lady finds it useful. Go girl the best is in front of you big hugs keep in touch.xx