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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 25/10/2019 06:05

@AviationLifystyle
He is choosing Type 1 Happiness- it feels great in the moment, so exciting and so liberating. Then like the day after a huge night on the town he will wake up with the hangover from hell,
he could turn back time. Feeling ashamed and wretched.

THIS ^^

Usually called the honeymoon period.
As we all know this comes ti an end.

Laughable really- I'd give it 6 months.

Thanks OP . Thinking of you.

Itallt0omuch · 25/10/2019 07:25

Op you are doing amazingly well you know. You're not doing the pick me dance, which will make you feel worse in the end. Please please say you've taken your half of any joint funds?

Original poster
At17 · 25/10/2019 07:43

I haven’t taken any money yet, no. I’m waiting to speak to a solicitor because, tbh, all our savings are his really. I’ve worked part time for 14 years whereas he earned most of the money.

OP posts:
Itallt0omuch · 25/10/2019 07:50

Be aware he may decide to empty it and leave you with nothing.

Original poster
At17 · 25/10/2019 07:50

He pointed out that everything I have is because he’s worked hard and it’s been exhausting supporting us all. That now it’s his time to have some fun.

Seriously, who did I actually marry?

OP posts:
bakesalesally · 25/10/2019 08:02

Erm, no. You have been a team. Working together. Whilst yours might not have been financially récompensed, it does not make it any less desirable. You did this to give the children you created TOGETHER, a decent home TOGETHER.

Just because he is destroying that, doesn't mean that your contributions should be invalidated.

Oooohhh @At17 I HAVE RAGE FOR YOU!!!!! Angry how are he?

I would take the bloody lot and stash it away, for that remark alone.
Twat

bakesalesally · 25/10/2019 08:02

*dare

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/10/2019 08:09

Oh he's one of those. He sees his Big Job earning Big Money as the only thing in a marriage worth having, and thinks the house cleans itself and the children bring themselves up and all the life admin just gets...done, somehow, and you basically had a Little Job and some hobbies and sat around the rest of the time waiting for him to get home from his Big Job with the money.

Sorry, but if this was his mindset, he was always a knob. If he can't see how you contributed to the running of his life, and therefore to earning money, he's an even bigger knob.

frazzledasarock · 25/10/2019 08:11

I really would empty out joint accounts before he does it. And close them all so no overdrafts can be run up.

I wish I’d done that when divorcing ex would have saved me a lot of heartache, hardship and debt.

That money is yours and your children’s. Your career opportunities stalled because you stayed home to bring up your family and take care of your home. Presumably this was a joint decision and saved money and enabled you STBXH to concentrate on his career and enjoy a worry free home life without the additional expense of outsourcing childcare and home making.

With draw the money and close joint accounts

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2019 08:12

I’ve worked part time for 14 years whereas he earned most of the money
So did he manage to progress his career and earn more money because YOU sacrificed your career and progression to bring up HIS children!?
YES!!
Never ever belittle what you contributed to the family and home.
Waaaay too many women do this.
You are entitled to HALF (at least) of everything.
Did your pension take a nosedive because you were home looking after HIS children!?
YES!
Bringing up children is fucking hard work.
YOU DID THAT!
What did he do to contribute to that? To the chores? To the daily grind of kids?

I would guess at almost FUCK ALL!
Do NOT minimise what you have done and how you have contributed.

RLOU30 · 25/10/2019 08:13

I am sure you have enabled him to have this exhausting job of his. You do have access to the savings don't you ? please move some he really sounds like a nasty shit of a man.

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2019 08:21

He pointed out that everything I have is because he’s worked hard and it’s been exhausting supporting us all

Flip that right on its head. You are currently working part-time and earning below your potential because you as a family made a decision to prioritise his career advancement over yours. I'm sure he worked terribly, terribly hard to get where he is, but I'm equally sure the fact that he will never have had to leave work mid-morning because one of his kids had puked at school might have played in his favour too.

aweedropofsancerre · 25/10/2019 08:22

I would call the bank and explain what is happening and get them to freeze the account. I am assuming when you were part time you were also doing most of the childcare etc to allow him the freedom to work and progress. If he truly believes he has been carrying you for years and has you believing it’s ‘really’ all his savings then I have no doubt he will remove all of it and spend it on his new life. If you don’t freeze the account transfer half of what is in there to ensure he can’t empty it. He will be in for a shock as you move forward towards divorce.

hazandduck · 25/10/2019 08:28

Oh Op don’t believe that for a second. As others have said, you went part time to raise your (half his) children! You could’ve been earning a full wage and saving too. Those savings are half yours don’t let him bully you out of anything. What an arsewipe, he’s been thinking about this for a while I bet and working out exactly what he thinks you should get financially. It won’t be the same as a figure your solicitor comes up with. Don’t discuss any money with him, just do it all through solicitors X

hazandduck · 25/10/2019 08:32

Or maybe send him a bill for all the childcare I bet you’ve covered whilst he worked and formed his ‘special friendahips’...that’ll probably even it out!!

Lordamighty · 25/10/2019 08:42

Don’t let him minimise your contribution. He has already done a number on you by the sounds of it. The savings you have are joint, everything you own is joint, you are married.
You need to be really careful here because your part time work will affect your financial position now and in the future.
Stop short changing yourself because you will need to steel yourself to stop him short changing you.
See a solicitor & fight him for your rightful share.

Lordamighty · 25/10/2019 08:44

Personally I would transfer half the joint savings into an account in my name TODAY, but that is up to you.

0lga · 25/10/2019 08:51

If you don’t move the money now he might take it all. If he does that, and stops paying the bills, can you afford to keep the roof over your children’s heads on your own wages ?

If you all have to move out because you lose your home, I’m sure your children will be heartened to know that it’s because you didn’t want to take “ daddy’s money “ Hmm. While he’s pissing it up in the Caribbean with new GF.

At least half the money is legally yours if it was saved during your marriage. Plus any pensions, life insurance, card, property etc .

If the solicitor says you were wrong to take it, you can always put it back.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 25/10/2019 08:51

Don't sell yourself short OP, you're doing marvellously. Thanks

Mix56 · 25/10/2019 09:07

"Wife work" starts earlier & ends later than a 9-5 job. It may not be equally intellectually challenging, but it is relentless. All through the w/e. All through school holidays. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, organising, school runs, homework, sports, Plus your job.
If anyone has carried the load it's you

Kit19 · 25/10/2019 09:22

Yes I have to agree with everyone, move some of the money now. He really is on a voyage to uncover his full inner twat & unfortunately you can’t trust him anymore

The only reason he was able to work full time & do his big important man job was because you did the childcare, domestic work & emotional labour. I bet he never had to think of what to cook for dinner or if he had clean shirts.

I feel so desperately sorry for you - it’s not just the loss of your marriage but of the man you thought you married as well :(

justilou1 · 25/10/2019 09:23

The more often I read these stories (because I’m sorry OP, it’s kind of variations of the same theme, with these bastards) the more I think these poor wives might be smarter investing in a hit man rather than a solicitor...

Techway · 25/10/2019 09:23

OP, I get your reluctance to move money but be aware he may start spending himself. Ex did this, bought loads of new expensive toys and it didn't go against him in court. My advice would be to spend what money you need. Don't let him guilt you into feeling as if you didn't contribute.

What happens is that you become the enemy and they treat you with contempt.This seems to relate to OW and him, to justify their deceit and betrayal you have to become this awful person who is deserving of this treatment. How he acts now is nothing to do with you and everything to do with his real character.

On a practical note, how will you pay for solicitors? Do you want to start divorce proceedings straight away, using his unreasonable behaviour.

I so sorry you are going through this.

Brackish · 25/10/2019 09:23

And @Mix56, my experience of watching a male friend get divorced, and even on this thread, actually, is that wife work often continues during the divorce process, incredibly, even when it’s the husband ending the marriage.

In marriages where the female part of the couple has overwhelmingly carried the mental load, I think there’s an expectation that she should also ‘help’ with the divorce process. I’ve watched with incredulity as my friend, having said he wants a divorce, has implicitly assumed his soon-to-be-ex-wife will be the one to arrange Relate sessions or help him decide where to live once he moves out. The cover story is that she’ll help because it’s best for the children, but really, he simply isn’t used to taking responsibility for things.

The difference is that there is no OW.

justilou1 · 25/10/2019 09:24

*btw.... this is not ACTUAL advice... this is just me thinking about how these arseholes always think and behave the same way and are wasting valuable oxygen and hurting the women who have been supporting them and their children. I don’t actually advocate for murderers at all!!!