Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

Just loads of hugs

Some amazing advice on here. So much support.

I wish I’d gone on here after my first big break up.

Such a shock isn’t it. Sad to say many many of us have been there. We’ve come through though. It’s not the future we necessarily thought we’d have - but every single second of life is so precious you will kick into survival and you won’t be able to help getting another future - your body will drive you! Let it. Your anger is the start...

“We need to talk to get the story straight” = “we need to come up with a fictional shared narrative whereby I’m not the bad guy who’s abandoned my wife for OW”

Oh what a typical cheating arsehole. Like other posters I wonder if your MH will get better now he has gone.

I would send him one text asking what time he wants to collect the DC for the weekend (if you are OK for them to go with him) and what evening during the week would he like them.

If you are not ready for that, keep up the radio silence. You owe him nothing.

Another lurker who's been reading this thread with . Well done OP for how well you've managed this dreadful shock - and what superb advice from other posters. Wishing you strength and courage as you go forward (and that thumbs up suggestion is brilliant)

In same boat and looking on with awe. You are my heroine!

You’re amazing OP you are doing great.
Love the thumbs up thing thats inspired!

Also rooting for you OP. Make sure he does have to do his share of time with the kids. I suspect 'making it difficult' with them means 'making me look like the bad guy' and 'expecting anything beyond me swanning in and out exactly when I feel like it'.
You will honestly come out of this better than he will. I have. 👍

“My ex was desperate for a PR job so they could look alright to their family and friends.” Yep mine was same. That pesky baby that she was pregnant with rather buggered that plan! Totally threw him!

“And I meant to say, I was convinced everyone would side with my exH. No one did. Even his best friend said, "he's my mate and I love him but he can be a selfish wanker".” I had a similar experience.

His side disbelieved me at first as it was so out of character for him, to the point that even when the truth was initially revealed they genuinely thought he was ill/having a breakdown. But his behaviour towards THEM soon changed their minds, he was particularly arsy with his sister which backfired on him.

I also had a call from his best friend (friends since nursery, best man at our wedding) to say that HE was sorry my ex was being such a dick and if there was anything dd or I needed just to call. That friendship has ended, he’s not friends with anyone he was prior to our split and he’s no longer close to his family either, it’s very weird how it’s all panned out.

He sounds similar to my ex. After 20 years together in May he told me he’s been unhappy for years but that we could still be best friends and that splitting allows us to find happiness with other people. He’s a twat. We have a 5 year old....

Also been lurking - OP you are amazing, and your ex is being an absolute knob. Tell everyone the truth of what happened, and focus on the new life you will be having without his twattery.

You’ve spent 20 years being in his team, covering his back and making sure he looks good in front of other people.

How weird that he doesn’t realise this was part of Being Married and that’s the thing he’s walked out on.

My ex H was very surprised to discover that I would no longer do his laundry. Apparently it actually takes time - who knew?

He also used to try to have long conversations with me about work, when he dropped off the kids. The look on his face when I politely suggested that he should really be discussing It with OW , as it wasn’t my problem anymore.

He looked bemused and said “ But she doesn’t know anything about it!”

Funny how all that emotional and domestic labour is invisible to them until it’s withdrawn.

Just caught up on this thread and, OP, you are an amazing woman. Can't believe how far you've come in a few days after such a shock. I think I'd still be gibbering if I were in your situation. Good luck x

@At17

You are bloody brilliant - it must be so painful right now, but keep on ignoring the idiot. It'll drive him mad. And yes, let everyone know the real story. 'Get our stories straight' my arse.

Be Strong!

rightly or wrongly everything happens for a reason and I promise you, you will get through it.

I know its not what you want to hear but you need to turn it around and take some of his choices away...he has just dropped a bomb on you and you are so entitled to do what you need to do...so if that's 'I need you to leave the house so I can figure out where my head is at' then that's what you say...you aren't a doormat...he has made the initial choice but it isn't all up to him...also have a real deep think about whether YOU are truly happy...? can you...if you are honest say that you are happy? once you start asking yourself the hard questions things will figure themselves out...

I think I’m getting a lot more praise than I deserve here. I’m giving out very edited highlights, rather than ten minute updates where I let everyone know how many tissues I’m getting through! (Around 347, if anyone’s curious.) But I do feel more balanced today. And also furious, which is definitely preferable to weeping and begging him not to go.

I saw him briefly today and it’s like a light’s gone off for him now. I’m the enemy now, it seems. That’s hard but it also feels almost laughable. He’s totally rewritten our time together and is shocked that I’m not letting him get away with such bullshit.

Thumbs up is hilarious.
I once replied to a rambling text with
"can you have a look at the toilet in the week please as it's broken" 😂

It's shocking how many of them follow the script to the absolute letter.

26 years, 18 married, no children. History completely rewritten and I am the enemy. Classic MLC following the script to the letter at age 53. Moving to bachelor pad tomorrow. All so pathetic and predictable. All I can say is that when the OW comes out of the woodwork, she is very welcome to him! The moods, the sulks, the petulance, his family, I could go on.

Hey there OP. I think you're selling yourself short a bit there. You've been doing great so far. Yes there will be tears and there will be many more over the next weeks and months and then even more when you think there possibly can't be anymore left in there but that means you're getting all that emotions out and going through the process of acceptance and moving on. If you bottle it all up you won't be able to let it all out and it would be all the more painful for you when it finally bubbled over.

I was just thinking of you and thought of the Gloria Gaynor song and so many words from it seemed so appropriate for you:

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along"

"Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Do you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person and still in love with you"

I'm sure he is angry because he doesn't recognise you now either. You're not the easy pushover he thought you would be. You're showing him strength and dignity and a fire in your belly and that's not what he expected at all and that is why you are now the enemy.

Sorry to read that you're another victim of the MLC @SuperbMonkey

Thanks @TuttiFrutti123. At least I know I’m not alone!

I've had this OP. we are still together as he changed his mind. For a week last year I thought we were fine. He slept in the spare room and blocked me. But after a week he apologised and were okay now but I'll never forget it.

Hope you're ok.

Feel free to send a PM if you want to talk.

@SuperbMonkey sorry you are going through this, it's awful but the relief is amazing when you are off that rollercoaster. Btw unless he's going to live until well into his hundreds it's not a MLC at 53. I think the official term is "just being a twat"

I often wonder how long people can get away with it because called a mid life crisis. Seems to get the blame for any awful behaviour from mid 30s to 60. My ex has apparently been having one for nearly 20 years. Not a crisis at all, it's a way of life they are choosing

I read something interesting recently about Type 1 Happiness and Type 2 Happiness

He is choosing Type 1 Happiness- it feels great in the moment, so exciting and so liberating. Then like the day after a huge night on the town he will wake up with the hangover from hell, wishing he could turn back time. Feeling ashamed and wretched.

You are on the path of Type 2 Happiness - like a long run or a boot camp class - feels awful in the moment, so hard, no end in sight. But after the pain comes a purer, longer lasting and healthy form of happiness- with no regrets.

Thinking of you on this journey, one day you will be so much better than just ok.

@AviationLifystyle
Good post.

I have gone through the type 2 happiness (menopause)

My son called it second puberty.

Thought very hard I'm now a much better, happier and more confident person.

There is a time in midlife when you think - is that it?

I could have been tempted with ab affair. But I asked myself, before taking this course, after a few months (and the novelty had worn off) what would it actually improve ??- nothing I'd just be on the same position with the same problems and frustration.

The only way to solve life's little problems is head on , straight though, tackle at root level.

It's really hard but the true way through.